10 REASONS TO CELEBRATE MARCH

Or, is March really a mad month?

By Patience Pantperhog, a jovial journalist and casual collector of missing socks whose best friend, Tarantula Tulip suggested that she get a life instead of inventing one for readers with way too much time to waste

In a nutshell, (if one enjoys consuming one's daily intake of proteins that way), March is the third month of the Gregorian calendar, according to all the trivia buffs.

Besides being named after the Roman god of war, Mars, (which may account for why there’s so much madness floating around in the universe), March offers at least ten reasons to justify if not celebrate its existence.

1. It’s an opportunity to cleanse one’s colon and become a friend of fibre; (how many folks can’t wait to celebrate “National Kidney Month”)!

2. It’s also “National Nutrition Month”, which means learning to love Brussels sprouts, broccoli, and Popeye’s favorite food, spinach!

3. “Women’s History Month” sounds like a superb way to learn more about the merits of a matriarchal society, how to break through the glass ceiling, and where to find Prince Charming and that gall-darned glass slipper.

4. Hard rock and birthstone collectors will be pleased to know that March is a great month for picking up some aquamarine or diamonds to match one’s teal green satin lounging pygamas at "Mardi Gras" (from February 23rd to March 9th).

5. "International Women’s Day" (on March 8th), is one day to honor women of spunk, sass, and substance, after all without them washing would be a drudge, meals would not be ready by 6:00 pm, and dust bunnies would rule the world.

6. Astrologically speaking “Pisces” and “Aries” born during the month will be happy, and why not…after all, doesn’t the human race need more gullible, self-pitying, temperamental, if not brash, bossy, and self-centered characters?

7. It’s also appropriate on March 17th (St. Patrick’s Day), to sport shamrocks, kiss the Blarney Stone, wear green, and lollygag about with the help of a few libations and leprechauns.

8. The appearance of the vernal or spring equinox (somewhere between March 19-21), is a nice reminder that since spring has sprung, green thumbs everywhere can make mudpies, watch grass grown, or at least talk to trees as they please.

9. Hoop and holler types will enjoy any excuse to watch a 20-day basketball tournament held by the NCAA Men’s Division Basketball “March Madness” Championship.

10. March may come in like a lion and go out like a lamb, which is great news if you’re a member of the animal kingdom, but it may be more helpful to check out the latest weather forecast on weatherbonk if one wants to locate the clouds with silver linings or ponder the reason why one is suffering from something called SAD (or seasonal blahs).

HOW TO BECOME A QUEEN

Or, Monarch-Making the Easy Way on International Women's Day!

By Victoria Elizabeth, a self-proclaimed Monarch of Mirth, better known by her majestic moniker, "The Quipping Queen"

What better way to celebrate International Women’s Day than honoring the queen that lives in every female on the face of this planet.

There are, at last count, 21.6 million web pages devoted to answering the question, “How to become a queen?”

If truth be told, there are a lot of females the world over hankering for a piece of the patriarchal pie. Most are bored to their teeth waiting around for Prince Charming to show up and claim them (not to mention their glass slipper). Others are not so thrilled about having to compete in a beauty pageant for the honor of being crowned Queen for a Day, Queen of May or Homecoming Queen for that matter.

Considering the fact that very few females can claim the title Queen, (by virtue of their bodacious blueblood lineage), that leaves a limited number of alternatives with which to purse in order to fulfill their dazzling destiny.

The first option for ascending a throne is to marry a monarch. Those wishing to pursue this alternative should keep their eyes peeled for a dude who has a decent prospect of becoming a King in very short order; better yet, choose one that already has his crown, a well-stocked treasure chest, and some tantalizing territory over which to rule. If the lady in question wishes to join the ranks of royalty, she would also be well advised to attend a posh pre-school and a rather fine ivy league college, not to mention befriend oodles of glitterati, or at least attend a good many who’s who whingding shindigs.

By far the more reliable and satisfying option entails following the path of least resistance which involves, believe it or not, proclaiming oneself queen.

Forget the royal rigmarole that usually comes with inheriting a royal title or joining a connubial clan of cockamamie characters and crotchety crustaceans, hoist your own flag, grab your glittering garb and tantalizing tiara, sit upon your very own throne with a plush red velvet cushion, and declare to all the world that you are a wondrous woman of spunk and substance, (who is bound and determined to have a jolly good time for once in her life)!

There’s much to be said for crowning oneself "Queen of Sheba", "Queen of Hearts", "Queen of Wands", "Queen of the Sofa", "Queen of Klutz", "Queen of Experiences", "Queen of the Universe", "Queen of Everything" or whatever other merry moniker pleases your majesty. After all, you also get to pick and choose whom you wish to join your court, whether it be fawning friends, ardent admirers or simply funny folk who make you laugh and play. And you get to call the shots when it comes to decorating your digs, whether you like building sandcastles in the air, hiring some civil knights in shining armor to build you a Lego Castle with a moat, or maybe just a do-it-yourself easy-to construct Cardboard Castle.

Remember, every woman possesses her own compelling, distinctive, and incredible, personal power. When all is said and done, it’s up to women to bring forth their unique talents, share their precious wisdom of life with others, and never to forget to leave the world a better place than when they arrived.