The Quipping Queen

MAY THE SPIRIT OF SERENDIPTY BE WITH YOU ALWAYS!

2007-12-25T12:01:00.000-08:00

December 25, 2007

Dear Naughty Nudnick:
(Forget about trying to hoodwink me...I know who you are!)

I know you're a bit dumbfounded by that puzzling present nestled nicely beneath your tacky tinsel tree, (it's the one you bought last year for a dime at the annual "Grinch Garage Sale").

Well, to make a long story short, I had a most informative talk with "Socrates", (he's the dead Greek philospher who now works as a bouncer at the Pearly Gates Night Club & Casino in a place called "Paradise Lost"), about what to bring someone who's been shall we say, more than a bit naughty this past year.

Not wanting to disappoint you, we decided to take a pass on those twelve drunk drummers (frankly, they're driving everyone nuts which is not a good thing unless one has a large supply of Prozac pills handy).

We weren't impressed with the performance of the eleven incredibly pathetic pipers piping (who couldn't hold a tune even if they tried!)

As for those ten lollygagging lords a-leaping (...just who do they think they are anyway?*!)

And the nine ladies dancing rather dangerously in nothing but their knickers (are a sight for sore eyes, probably because they flunked their final exam at the Queen of Sheba's Pole-Dancing Academy).

Those eight overworked and underpaid maids-a-milking (employed by a cost-conscious company called "Cowbunga!"), they're now vacationing in The Land of Milk & Honey without you!

The seven swans a-swimming (...more like sashaying around a godforsaken lake full of loons looking for a good time no doubt) would not have set a good example for you.

Clearly the six geese-a-laying (who left their all their crap behind so now we all have to wear wellyboots for pity's sake!) spend too much time lollygagging about on the golf course like someone else we know.

We thought of those five fake golden rings belonging to the VANOC Olympic Committee (who are trying to promote the multi-million 2010 Winter Games in a place that rains cats and dogs 364 days a year) are not willing to part with their fool's gold, even for you!

Yes, the four calling birds (that keep on wooing the neighbor's wretched mongrel who's going completely bonkers), apparently they're an endangered species and you can't have them.

Now those three French hens (whom I might add don't speak a word of English but have believe it or not managed to finish off the last case of "Arrogant Frog - Ribet Red" in existence), it seems they're already spoken for at a bachelorette party.

Which brings us to those two tawdry turtle doves (who keep dumping their damn detritus on everyone's pristine front lawn), and a red-legged partridge (better known as "Alectoris rufa") in a pear tree who's so blinking bored with life that he's ready to devour that well-cooked 20 lb. turkey with all the trimmings sitting beside that fantastic XBox 360 with a 20 GB hard-drive located in the trunk of a 2008 Lexus ES 350 with an onboard Navigation System, Moonroof and Bluetooth technology), they flew the coop!

So to sum it all up, we agreed that what you really needed most was a lifetime membership in the Socratic Order of Sandboxes. Since you haven't exactly bit the biscuit yet, the Crumpets Club advised us that they could not accept your application.If it's any consolation, we suggest you prepare your "bucket list" , because at the rate you're going, you may not survive until next year.

Signed,

The Bad Elf
Santa's Sassy Second-In-Command

WHAT...QUIPPING QUEEN PLAYING IN ANOTHER SANDBOX?

2007-10-25T16:14:00.000-07:00

Or, has HRH-QQ gone completely barmy?

For those of you who've been wondering where in the heck HRH-QQ has been for the past few months, I can now let the cat out of the bag.

According to my bodacious bio, "I am easily amused", so it's no surprise if I've been playing with new people, platforms and precious little else as I've officially retired from the royal "rat" race.

More to the point, I've been lounging and lollygagging about putting all manner of tangential topics together for lovers of twittery and twaddle.

So without further ado, I shall now guide you to take a peek at my curious creations in my ever-growing portfolio of puffery (over at "squidoo.com").

So next time you're bored with life, twiddling your thumbs, and wondering when Godot is arriving, you might want to check out these titillating topics:

Weird Words - A compendium of wonky words in the English language that sound naughty but truly are nice once you get to know them.

Strange Street Names - A collection of wild, wacky and very weird street names from around the globe.

Little Loo Library - A great giggle guide to buying some boffo books for the bathroom bookshelf.

Bizarre Books - A miscellany of mirth, especially if one enjoys odd, peculiar, or off-the-beaten track book titles.

Heffalump Headquarters - A hilarious hub for Perfectly Normal Beasts like heffalumps!

Socratic Order of Sandboxes - a place to plop for those who do not qualify for membership in the "Flat Earth Society".

Latin For Laughs - Where Latin-lovers with fractured funnybones hang out!

Yelling It Like It Is! - An ode to that great American icon, the inimitable, irreverent Goddess of Gripe and Mother of Mockery, "Maxine"!

SUMMER SABBATICAL

2007-07-12T09:45:00.000-07:00

To my ripsnorting readers:

This is just a brief bit of bumpf to let everyone know that HRH - Quipping Queen & Empress of Eccentricity is temporarily indisposed (and no she's not ensconced in her powder room).

She who is easily amused is taking a much needed summer sabbatical to hunt for heffalumps (one of her many crazy, cockamammie, crackerjack creative pursuits).

For those wishing to see if she really is a figment of someone's imagination, please take your fingers on over to her bodacious bio and peruse her long list of tengential topics that she finds engaging, entertaining, and sometimes enchanting at SQUIDOO.COM where she has her very own moat and merry-making munchkin friends who can't get enough of a quirky, quaffing QUIPPING QUEEN .

Tah tah, pip pip and all that fooforaw until the fall!

FIRST COMING OF "THE JESUS iPHONE"

2007-06-29T14:51:00.000-07:00

Or, miracle of miracles in the world of mirthful meditations!

By Reverend Ruth Ripplesbottom, Minister of Mirth (MOM) at the popular tongue-in-cheek Temple of Teetotalers & Tiddlywinks, (loosely affiliated with the chuckle-inclined Church of Chortle whose funnybone faith followers are led by the nose by a great big giggling guru of course). When not preaching about the value of smiling, snickering and snorting, she maintains her sanity by delving into such delightful diversions from divinity such as those offered by the Church of 80% Sincerity.

The wireless world of wonk and wit is forever grateful for the wonders of a new technology, especially today's launch of a darling device that's destined to change the way we communicate with mortals not to mention the Maker himself!

This moment in history is akin to the first coming of our Cosmic Creator, (or the "Big Bopper" as some like to call him).

Today, a miracle of miracles has happened...the launch of the little bit of heaven on earth ...Apple's brand new "iPhone"!

Here's a lovely little list of amazing things you'll be able to do with your new do-it-all device:

1. Pious procrastinators and prayer-minded people alike will be pleased to hear that this personal piece of titillating technology means you'll never again experience dropped phone calls to God, the Higher Power, or the Supreme Secular Spirit.

2. Snapping photos of devils in disguise using your iPhone camera will be as easy, provided you can say "1-2-3 cheese please".

3. E-mailing anyone in the cosmos will be a breeze, but the real question is can you type with your pinky finger without swearing a blue streak?

4. Web browsing will soon become a cinch, (especially for those conducting a quick online search for little loop holes in the Bible).

5. No need to sing psalms off key any longer, just tune in to your favorite music (such as hot hymns to soothe the soul or maybe some merry melodies during your morning meditations).

6. And last but not least, for the marginally mirth-minded, this great little gadget also offers a terrific way to download various vanity-videos like Monty Python's "Life of Brian" or TV re-runs of the BBC's hugely popular show among puckish parishioners and pew-pranksters, "The Vicar of Dibley".

Just think of it ...everything you could possible want or need at the touch of a single button.

Life will never be the same, nor will learning liturgy on a hand-held device. And thankfully, saving souls will become a whole heck of a lot easier with "The Jesus iPhone"!

__________

For more information on the wacky yet wonderful worship circles mentioned above, please drop by the Church of Chortle, the Temple of Teetotalers and Tiddlywinks, and the Church of 80% Sincerity.

ODD, OFFBEAT OR OUTRAGEOUS THINGS TO DO IN APRIL

2007-04-07T16:32:00.000-07:00

Or, how to meet your weird and wacky needs

Compiled by the Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by The Earl of Craboon, a lively lollygagging two-some in the Court of Quintessentially Quirky Quaffers & Quidnuncs

April is the month when fools rush in where wise men never go and angels fear to tread. (And frankly, anywhere wise men and angels hang out together would probably not satisfy the needs of a merry band of mischievous munchkins looking for a good time.)

So without further ado, here is the ludicrous lineup of odd, offbeat or outrageous things to keep you busy for all of April.

April: It's Sill Suds Month, (33 beer festivals to choose from around the globe, all you have to do is show up, tell a few jokes, and get yourself tiddly like all the other tipplers).

April 1: Hilarious Haberdashery, (time to pick out a great big fools cap, (because you’re going to wear in your little pinhead for the next 30 days).

April 6: Fun Friday, (time to blow bubbles in your bathtub and organize a chewing gum contest to see who can blow up the largest bubble without getting it stuck to a face).

April 8: Energizer Bunny Appreciation Day, (a fine occasion to honor the long-life battery that keeps your digital doodads from wimping out on you at an inopportune moment).

April 13-15: Annual Dolly Parade, (so slip on your wild Barbie and Ken togs or Beanie-Baby outfits, and join the fantastically funny folks in Pigeon Forge, TN).

April 20: Bring On The Bull! (wow, you can pay tribute to your Taurus friends and family members, the ones who’re boring and insensitive, not to mention materialistic if not a tad self-indulgent and stubborn. They have one positive quality, they can cook!

April 22: Earth Day, (time to check and see who makes the mud-pies, where’s the hot spot to watch mud-wrestling, and who does the best rendition of “Muddy Waters”.

April 25: Administrative Professional Day, (time to tie up a bureaucrat or “civil” servant in some fancy red duct tape and auction them off to anyone willing to take them).

April 30: Beltane Fire Festival, (you’ll need a kilt, a caber, and some fire-crackers to attend this Scottish celebration marking the beginning in spring; hopefully the Edinburgh Council won’t ban it like they have for the last few years!)

10 REASONS TO CELEBRATE MARCH

2007-03-16T11:07:00.000-07:00

Or, is March really a mad month?

By Patience Pantperhog, a jovial journalist and casual collector of missing socks whose best friend, Tarantula Tulip suggested that she get a life instead of inventing one for readers with way too much time to waste

In a nutshell, (if one enjoys consuming one's daily intake of proteins that way), March is the third month of the Gregorian calendar, according to all the trivia buffs.

Besides being named after the Roman god of war, Mars, (which may account for why there’s so much madness floating around in the universe), March offers at least ten reasons to justify if not celebrate its existence.

1. It’s an opportunity to cleanse one’s colon and become a friend of fibre; (how many folks can’t wait to celebrate “National Kidney Month”)!

2. It’s also “National Nutrition Month”, which means learning to love Brussels sprouts, broccoli, and Popeye’s favorite food, spinach!

3. “Women’s History Month” sounds like a superb way to learn more about the merits of a matriarchal society, how to break through the glass ceiling, and where to find Prince Charming and that gall-darned glass slipper.

4. Hard rock and birthstone collectors will be pleased to know that March is a great month for picking up some aquamarine or diamonds to match one’s teal green satin lounging pygamas at "Mardi Gras" (from February 23rd to March 9th).

5. "International Women’s Day" (on March 8th), is one day to honor women of spunk, sass, and substance, after all without them washing would be a drudge, meals would not be ready by 6:00 pm, and dust bunnies would rule the world.

6. Astrologically speaking “Pisces” and “Aries” born during the month will be happy, and why not…after all, doesn’t the human race need more gullible, self-pitying, temperamental, if not brash, bossy, and self-centered characters?

7. It’s also appropriate on March 17th (St. Patrick’s Day), to sport shamrocks, kiss the Blarney Stone, wear green, and lollygag about with the help of a few libations and leprechauns.

8. The appearance of the vernal or spring equinox (somewhere between March 19-21), is a nice reminder that since spring has sprung, green thumbs everywhere can make mudpies, watch grass grown, or at least talk to trees as they please.

9. Hoop and holler types will enjoy any excuse to watch a 20-day basketball tournament held by the NCAA Men’s Division Basketball “March Madness” Championship.

10. March may come in like a lion and go out like a lamb, which is great news if you’re a member of the animal kingdom, but it may be more helpful to check out the latest weather forecast on weatherbonk if one wants to locate the clouds with silver linings or ponder the reason why one is suffering from something called SAD (or seasonal blahs).

HOW TO BECOME A QUEEN

2007-03-08T13:20:00.000-08:00

Or, Monarch-Making the Easy Way on International Women's Day!

By Victoria Elizabeth, a self-proclaimed Monarch of Mirth, better known by her majestic moniker, "The Quipping Queen"

What better way to celebrate International Women’s Day than honoring the queen that lives in every female on the face of this planet.

There are, at last count, 21.6 million web pages devoted to answering the question, “How to become a queen?”

If truth be told, there are a lot of females the world over hankering for a piece of the patriarchal pie. Most are bored to their teeth waiting around for Prince Charming to show up and claim them (not to mention their glass slipper). Others are not so thrilled about having to compete in a beauty pageant for the honor of being crowned Queen for a Day, Queen of May or Homecoming Queen for that matter.

Considering the fact that very few females can claim the title Queen, (by virtue of their bodacious blueblood lineage), that leaves a limited number of alternatives with which to purse in order to fulfill their dazzling destiny.

The first option for ascending a throne is to marry a monarch. Those wishing to pursue this alternative should keep their eyes peeled for a dude who has a decent prospect of becoming a King in very short order; better yet, choose one that already has his crown, a well-stocked treasure chest, and some tantalizing territory over which to rule. If the lady in question wishes to join the ranks of royalty, she would also be well advised to attend a posh pre-school and a rather fine ivy league college, not to mention befriend oodles of glitterati, or at least attend a good many who’s who whingding shindigs.

By far the more reliable and satisfying option entails following the path of least resistance which involves, believe it or not, proclaiming oneself queen.

Forget the royal rigmarole that usually comes with inheriting a royal title or joining a connubial clan of cockamamie characters and crotchety crustaceans, hoist your own flag, grab your glittering garb and tantalizing tiara, sit upon your very own throne with a plush red velvet cushion, and declare to all the world that you are a wondrous woman of spunk and substance, (who is bound and determined to have a jolly good time for once in her life)!

There’s much to be said for crowning oneself "Queen of Sheba", "Queen of Hearts", "Queen of Wands", "Queen of the Sofa", "Queen of Klutz", "Queen of Experiences", "Queen of the Universe", "Queen of Everything" or whatever other merry moniker pleases your majesty. After all, you also get to pick and choose whom you wish to join your court, whether it be fawning friends, ardent admirers or simply funny folk who make you laugh and play. And you get to call the shots when it comes to decorating your digs, whether you like building sandcastles in the air, hiring some civil knights in shining armor to build you a Lego Castle with a moat, or maybe just a do-it-yourself easy-to construct Cardboard Castle.

Remember, every woman possesses her own compelling, distinctive, and incredible, personal power. When all is said and done, it’s up to women to bring forth their unique talents, share their precious wisdom of life with others, and never to forget to leave the world a better place than when they arrived.

10 THINGS NOT TO SAY ON VALENTINE'S DAY

2007-02-08T07:55:00.000-08:00

Or, is a rose as sweet by any other name?

By Theolonius McTavish*, a vapid, verseless, Valentine’s card giver who would rather forget about February 14th altogether if that was humanly possible

The folks from Lovelines reported that on May 21, 2006 some 4,396 bloggers posted the word "love" somewhere on their sites. How many will post that word on "St. Valentine's" this year remains to be seen.

Valentine’s Day is an absolutely horrible day, especially if one is trying to find just the right card for the love of one’s life, let alone the de rigueur flower arrangement and sumptuously packaged goody box.

It is an equally dismal day, if one is expecting a cute card delivered on a bed of red roses not to mention a bottle of fine red wine together with a box of my lady’s finest chocolate truffles...none of which arrive on the appointed day.

So, if you flub on this fanciful occasion, please practice these pesky pieces of prose on your pet plant or animal companion before whispering the usual sweet-nothings in someone else’s ear on February 14th.

-- Am I’m glad you showed up – I was afraid I’d actually have to kiss that frog! (Gratuitous greeting to an insignificant other.)

-- Withering Violets …you call that a bouquet for a buxom beauty like me! (A brusque ‘bon not’ to a penny-pinching paramour.)

-- So Don Juan, just how many hearts have you broken today? (A zesty zinger for a corporate Casanova masquerading as Cupid.)

-- Just because you’re wearing silk boxer shorts with little red hearts doesn’t mean I know you! (A succinct statement to a spouse one has known far too long.)

-- I don’t do birthday suits…find another gene pool to swim in! (Terse text message to a tasteless twit or near-naked nincompoop.)

-- Do you give prizes to folks who sneeze all over your fancy flowers? (Casual query to a florist.)

-- If I hear another frigging “My Funny Valentine” ring tone duet I'm gonna barf! (One-sided colorful conversation of a Blackberry-boyfriend.)

-- Does this meal come with a magnifying glass or am I supposed to supply my own? (Response to a snooty French restaurant server who brings you one misshapen morsel of mussel in a tiny shell on a large, empty, bone china dinner plate as the main course!)

-- When you’ve finished playing with your little rubber bow and arrow maybe you could peel me a grape! (Saucy salutation from a dainty damsel who’s tired of waiting for her knight-in-shining armour to get with the program.)

-- Kindly keep your candy-wrappers to yourself! (Curt comment from an environmentally-unfriendly Valentine vixen.)

Alternatively, you can always pick up a copy of Love on a Rotten Day: An Astrological Survival Guide to Romance and try to wing it as it were, or at least find yourself a planet that will roll out the red carpet for you ...on your birthday.

And to all those serenity-challenged swains whose pet kimodo dragon consumed their beloved's Valentine card for breakfast, to those who polished off at lunch the box of chocolates intended for their inamorata, and to those who forgot to pick up a plastic petal arrangement from the Dead Flower Society for their sweetheart, thankfully here are a myriad of ways to say "I love you" (in 100 languages)!

__________

*Theo's advice for the hopeless romantic, learn how how to write a love poem with help from the wiki world types.

OUTRAGEOUS EVENTS FOR FEBRUARY 2007

2007-02-01T07:39:00.000-08:00

Or, bring on some odd, strange, and weird things to do!

By Lady Beatrice Blitterlees & Lord Earl Craboon, two party-tossing twits of some renown.

February is no ordinary month. It’s full of feisty, frisky and fun things to do, especially if you’re into celebrating the end of winter (Groundhog Day), not to mention lots of hogs (Chinese New Year’s – The Year of the Golden Pig), and kisses (Valentine’s when Cupid cavorts about with his bow and arrow reminding us why love makes the world go round).

February 2 – WIP WING BOWL in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (US) an annual gluttonous get-together for cockamamie consumers. Twenty contestants will compete against five pesky poultry palates from the International Federation of Competitive Eaters (IFOCE) to see who munches the most chicken wings in 30 minutes.

February 3 - ARROGANT WORMS - a trio of titillators will perform at the Creekside Theater, in Kelowna, British Columbia (Canada) -- all you could ask for from Canada's self-proclaimed Clowned Princes of Humor, Purveyors of the Absurd, and Ambassadors of Fun!

February 14 - Cupid and Cassanova may be busy today, so you might want to drop by a pick up a pesky greeting from the folks at Valentine's From Hell.

February 15 - FLAG DAY IN CANADA -- First find Canada on a map, now design a new flag for this curious country full of crazy Canucks, (which may include but not be limited to loose moose, boisterous beavers, or something called Sasquatch. For more information please contact Rick Mercer.

February 18 - CHINESE NEW'S YEAR'S -- Yippee -- It's the "Golden Year of the Pig", time to pick up one of those heavenly hogwash t-shirts and celebrate!

Before February 20 - SOUTHWEST AIRLINES is sponsoring a contest seeking super-duper snicker videos made by "you" ...to promote wierd or wonderful excursions to any of their 63 dazzling destinations.

GOING WHOLE HOG IN THE YEAR OF THE PIG

2007-01-19T09:38:00.000-08:00

Or, how to avoid being hogtied in the Year of the Pig

By Theolonius McTavish, a raucous road hog with a penchant for pickled pigs toes, Black Forest ham, and Canadian back bacon.

If dogs look up to us while cats look down on us, it's not surpising to find at least one barnyard beast that treats us as equals. It's affectionately known as a dirty old pig.

And since 2007 has been declared the Year of the Golden Pig by Chinese astrologers, who are we to argue!

Now's the time to get a wiggle on and go the whole hog to honor all people, places, and things piggy!

All road warriors are advised to pick up a gas-guzzling Harley-Davidson brutish-sounding bike, better known as hog".

For those who can't save their money or adore counting if not hoarding pennies, it's time to buy a piggbank!

Pig-Pen personalities can finally come out of the closet!

Yup for those who aren't picky about food and don't like brushing their teeth, have we got something for you...a popular piggy tune!

For vertically-challenged crisis-prone critters who are having trouble being b-b-brave...it may be an opportune moment to learn a few words of wisdom from "Piglet".

Gluttonous grunts need no excuses to pig-out on bacon, ham and pork chops(just ask Lisa the Vegetarian)!

And what would the world be without Pink Floyd and pigs!

So, whatever you do this year, be nice to pigs, be they the fuzz with flatfeet, ...the muck-loving, potbellied, slippery, thick-headed variety ...or the higgledy-piggeldy ones who have a hard time finding things right under their snouts.

GOING HOG-WILD IN THE YEAR OF THE PIG

2007-01-12T08:45:00.000-08:00

Or, why not celebrate with a pigskin parade!

By Theolonius McTavish, a ribald rasher who's known to tell bawdy barnyard tales to tipplers at the Hogshead Pub

According to Chinese astrology, 2007 is “The Year of the Pig”. This is welcome news to the “Boars”, “Hogs” and “Swine” of the world who have not had much company to speak of in their end of the quagmire or swamp.

Sus scrofa are said to be gregarious grunts who though they have a wide circle of friends and acquaintances actually have few close buddies who share their passion for mucking about in the mud. Chivalrous and gallant, these cloven hooved critters don’t talk much with is a breath of fresh air considering the stench that often surrounds them.

Swine are not slackers. As a matter of fact, boozy boars have a great thirst for knowledge that includes the ever popular “Bottoms Up”, “Freddy Fudputter”, and “Fuzzy Navel”.

Rabbits and sheep are most compatible with boars. After all, how many creatures do you know that are willing hang out with hogs who avoid turning left or right and definitely have never heard of the word retreat.

So with all that in mind, just what does one say when encountering a pig this year?

I’ll bet you know what a pig-in-a-poke is eh? (Used with a prudish pig from Canada.)

I think I'll curl up with a crumpet and a pig-in-a-blanket. (Used with a British boar.)

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s folks who eat like pigs! (Used with generously-proportioned personalities who frequent Piggly-Wiggly’s far too much.)

I’m not going to be your guinea pig! (Used with scientifically-inclined swine.)

Me, marry that breathtaking boar. In a pig’s eye I am! (Used with ugly ungulates.)

I’m tickled pink to hear all about it. (Used with a porcine personality you’re trying to impress.)

I admire pigskin people. (Used with SuperBowl-infatuated swine.)

Pigtails aren’t your thing, are they? (Used with sveltless, statuesquely-challenged sows or members of the Pigmalion family.)

I wouldn’t get to swill-headed about that if I were you. (Used with a pigpen playmate.)

It's as plain as a pig on sofa. (Used with who deny the existence of an elephant in their living room.)

Piglet, what a squealing sensation you are. (Used with an immature member of the swine family.)

Bring home the bacon but leave your pig at home! (Used with a sweat-hog.)

Of course I love watching pigments dry. (Used with a paint-by-numbers pig.)

I’m not sure I understood all your hogwash, could you repeat that again? (Used with a buzzword boar or a red-tape rasher.)

I'm here to see the guy who can turn a sow's ear into a silk purse. (Used with those who aspire to live high on the hog.)

Being pigheaded certainly does pay off. (Used with stubborn swine.)

I can see you know how to make a pig's ear. (Used with those who manage to muck-up anything they touch).

Watching you pig-out on brussel sprouts renews my faith in veganism. (Used with gluttonous green-oriented grunts.)

Having a super snout is great for digging up the dirt on on the competition. (Used with cosmetically-challeged cartilaginous critters who muck about just for the heck of it).

My god, you've mastered my favorite word in Piggot's Political Dictionary! (Used with pigs of different political persuasions.)

Pocco Rosso's my favorite flying pig. (Used with porcine pilot comic book fanatics or those who are allergic to flying cows and flying nuns).

Please clean-up your pig-pen before you go out and play. (Used with adolscent aardvarks).

I see you use everything but the squeal. (Used with fussy or thrifty sausage-makers.)

And when all is said and done, never forget that miracles happen every day. So keep your eyes open, because pigs can fly (at least they do in hog heaven) and some of them even been coaxed to turn fluorescent green (when served with ham probably)!

__________

For some super-duper swine swag, check out cafepress.com.

JEST-IN-TIME JANARY

2007-01-06T08:14:00.000-08:00

Or, what to do on a breathtakingly boring day...

Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees, in polite circles known as the Duchess of Dither, and Lord Earl Craboon, referred to as the Duke of Doorknobs, (a curious couple occupying a sandcastle somewhere in the Queendom of Quaffing & Quipping).

January is a rather bleak, blessedly boring, and some might even go so far as to say a dreadfully dull month.

On the other hand, peculiar people often find delight in all manner of things odd, peculiar, or downright strange. This is why we've spent a good deal of time tracking down some rather unique things to do to lighten one's sagging spirits at this time of year.

For those with short attention spans, tendencies to day dream frequently, or desires that extend beyond watching paint dry, we recommend participating in one of this month's unusual events:

13 Januay - Join the CFB Gagetown Medieval Anachronists' Club's January Feast (with a curry theme). Bring along some festive frippery, merry muskets, and saucy smiles to this ancient occasion being held at Canadian Forces Base Gagetown in Oromocto, New Brunswick (Canada).

19-21 January - Trundle off to Ressurection Bay, Alaska for the annual Polar Bear Jumpoff and Ugly Fish Toss and while you're at it...why not freeze your posterior off at the parade, loose your concentration during the bed-making contest, gladhand your way around the goofy golf tournament or slide your way to success at the ice-bowling championship.

26-28 January - Hop across the pond to Port Lincoln, Australia and join lots of other slippery souls and try your hand at tuna tossing during Tunarama. PS Don't tell "Tony the Tuna" you're coming!

27-28 January - Get yourself in gear, along with 70 other oddballs, for the world famous Swamp Buggy Races held every year in Florida Sports Park's "Sippy Hole".

30 January - Haul out your bagpipes, whip up some haggis, and practice sitting on a thistle, because Scotland is beckoning you! More to the point, The Lerwick Up Helly Aa, Britain's bonfire festival features a torchlight parade, burning of a Viking galley, and a good deal of Scotch whisky flowing into the wee hours of the night!

And for those who like to putz about with nothing in particular to capture their fancy on their peculiar agenda, do drop by Dracula's Castle in Bucharest, Romania. (Note: The capital city in which this pugilistic palace is located was founded by one rather frightening fellow by the name of Vlad the Impaler in 1459. This charming chap later became the inspiration for Bram Stoker's blood-sucking vampire named....you guessed it!)

Cheerio, pip pip, and tah tah from your tippling tour-guides.

_________

For those who can't find enough curious, off-beat, or unusual places and things to do, why not pick up a copy of Eccentric America.

2007 - WILL WONDERS NEVER CEASE

2007-01-02T09:38:00.000-08:00

Or, why are we celebrating that?

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Professor of Piffle at the University of Utterly Useless Undertakings in Little Snoring (Norfolk) and Dean-of-Do-Nothing at the International Institute of Irregular Verbs & Dangling Modifers in Yonder Bognie

Google reports that there are a mere 239,000 web pages out of a possible 55 billion devoted to the incomplete phrase "2007 Year of".

Besides that astounding bit of bumpf to brighten one's day, perhaps another perusal of the pages will reveal something even more brilliant to boggle a breathtakingly bored mind.

For those whose brain cells are firing on all cylanders, 2007 is expected to rather remarkable, especially if you wish to join in the following year-long celebrations:

Year of the BluOnyx - yippee or yowsers that is if you really dig "mobile content servers"

Year of the Dolphin - of interest to playful Pisceans or those of piscatorial persuasions

Year of the Food Police - will the flab fighters be welcome in your neighborhood?

Year of the Goddess - gods will be riding in the backseat this year and don't you forget it!

Year of the iSlump - you mean to say that podcasting will go poof?

Year of the Night Sky - time to catch a falling star, put it in your pocket, and save it for a rainy day or join those wicked witches riding on broomsticks for some fun

Year of the Outdoors - for all those who love the call of nature, frosting rocks, and bogrolls

Year of the Red Pig - Chinese astrologers however can't guarantee pigs will fly or that piggybanks be full

Year of Women in Engineering - Another Aussie attempt to make women rule the world

Year of the Widget - a whoopee moment for digital doodads and domahickies

Year of Civil Unions - where Glee & Gaiety can finally hook up "downunder"

Year of the Surf Lifesaver - an Aussie lesson on why it's not wise to swim with sharks

Year of the Boar/Ding Hai - the long lost animal companion of Miss Piggy

Year of the Organized Home - a real boon for Clutter Queens & Ripsnorting Recyclers

Year of the Thin Films - that's great if you like stories with thin plot lines

Year of the Rumi - pondering pool and think tank enthusiasts will be overjoyed

Year of the Shawl - a pleasing piece particularly if you're a peek-a-boo person

Year of the Slappy - a pat on the back for all those gawky gamers no doubt

Year of the Truck - giddy-up-and-go gas-guzzlers please...take note!

If none of these turn your crank, it might be time to trade in your old jalopy, date a gadfly, consult a guru or another 365 days for a new lease on life.

HOW TO MAKE A NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION

2006-12-30T16:32:00.000-08:00

Or, can you really complete these sentences?

By Theolonius McTavish, a gallant if not good-natured gladiator with a thistle in his tam who has difficulty swallowing haggis, doing the hokey-pokey, or sleeping in a hammock, (a trio of trivial tribulations with which one daring dude must contend).

Every year, millions of minions around the globe must prepare for the inevitable ritual of “New Year’s Resolutions”.

To aid those who cannot come up with anything that ressembles a reliable (on second thought ripsnorting) resolution, I am providing my own version below. (Note: select one item in parentheses).

This year I resolve to no longer obsess about my (frigging freckles, flat feet, or furrowed brow), my (receding hairline, expanding waistline, or kingsized keister), or my (fashionable faux-pas, frequent forages into the refrigerator, or far too many trips to the throne room/water-closet to count).

Because I am already really good at (finger-painting, snakes-and-ladders, or pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey), and (skating on thin ice, walking on water, or swimming with sharks) not to mention (burping, flatulating, or snoring), but only when absolutely necessary.

Sure, I ate a lot over the past month, but that’s okay, because I had a fabulous time (courting candy-canes, flirting over fruitcakes, or trifling with hot toddies) and (chewing the fat, draining the cup, or licking the bowl) with (Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, or I can’t recall…is this a trick question?).

After the holidays, I’ll simply get back on track by not (drinking like a fish, eating like a pig, or wolfing down food like there’s no tomorrow), and (passing on the punch bowl, swearing off sweets, or turning down those tantalizing treats), after I've practiced (hustling my bustle, jumping through hoops, or running around in little circles).

This year I am going to take more time to: (beat my breast, leap to conclusions, or pat myself on the back) and more time to (hug trees, pet rocks or watch paint dry).

My name is (The Big Kahuna, Queen Bee if you please, …or your favorite moniker), and this year I’m going to stay cool, eat well, and put the fun back in the “fundamentals” of life... so there!!

VEGGIE VAGABONDS & VIXENS WANTED

2006-12-29T12:43:00.000-08:00

Or, how to promote veggies in a voluptuous way

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Professor of Piffle at the University of Utterly Useless Undertakings in Great Snoring (Norfolk).

Veggies are not the first thing that comes to mind when puttering aimlessly about the overflowing shelves and and along the aisles of today's honking great supermarkets.

Frankly, veggies have been given a very bad rap by food fashionistas. Other than one swashbuckling American hero, (an eccentric pipe-smoking sailor named Popeye), few folks ever dare to chomp on spinach lest a wayward piece embarrassingly lodge between their two front teeth.

In the interests of enhancing the consumption of veggies full of virile vitamins, I have enlisted the support of my dear friend Tom Woo, (a grocery guru by trade who has suggested a few name changes in the hope of attracting a new audience).

-- Alluring Asparagus
-- Aimiable Avocado
-- Ardent Artichokes
-- Bathing Beauty Bamboo Shoots
-- Beloved Basil
-- Bawdy Brussels Sprouts
-- Bodacious Bok Choy
-- Breathtaking Beans
-- Buxom Beets
-- Brazen Broccoli
-- Captivating Cabbage
-- Carnal Carrots
-- Cheeky Chives
-- Chic Celery
-- Casanova Cauliflower
-- Caring Cucumber
-- Kissing Kale
-- Kismet Kidney Beans
-- Erotic Eggplants
-- Enamored Endive
-- Flirty Fennel
-- Gadfly Garlic
-- Libidinous Lettuce
-- Licentious Lentils
-- Luscious Ladyfingers
-- Lusty Leeks
-- Magnificent Marrow
-- Magic Mushrooms
-- Orgasmic Onions
-- Passionate Potatoes
-- Potent Peppers
-- Predisposed Parsnips
-- Provocative Parsley
-- Risque Rutabaga
-- Robust Radishes
-- Romancing Romaine
-- Scintillating Swisschard
-- Sensual Squash
-- Sultry Snow Peas
-- Shapely Shallots
-- Succulent Spinach
-- Stimulating Sprouts
-- Tantalizing Tomatoes
-- Wanton Watercress
-- Yearning Yucca
-- Zesty Zucchini

________

For those interested in the nuances of vegetable names please consult Mighty Fine Words And Smashing Expressions.

For those turned off turnips or members of the vulgar veggy family, (probably the lumpy, bumpy and icky yellow ones), feel free to pick up a copy of The Ugly Vegetables by Grace Lin.

And last but not least, for those seeking a more intriguing, entertaining and informative romp through a practical handbook on pumpkin-oriented paramours, please consult the Dictionary of Aphrodisiacs by H.E. Wedeck.

TOP 10 WAYS TO APPRECIATE THE WRITING IN THIS BLOG

2006-12-22T16:29:00.000-08:00

Or, why you should exercise your eyeballs at least once a day

By the Quipping Queen, a quirky quaffing quidnunc who enjoys whistling in the wind, sampling egg-nog and brandy flavored ice-cream with a rather large soup spoon, and munching on shortbread cookies before bedtime.

Many readers ask me what's so special about my blog that they should read it, let alone recommend it to others.

The short answer is, if you have to ask this uninspiring question -- perhaps counting sheep, humming rum-tiddly-pum, or waiting for Godot is more up your alley.

On the other hand, for those who can't wait to explore the unknown, here are the top ten ways to appreciate the writing in this blog.

1. With a good stiff drink in hand, (because it helps to put a busy mind at ease in order to keep track of the odd collection of characters who drop by the Court of the Quipping Queen).

2. With a pair of rose colored glasses (so as to provide a different perspective on the oddities of life, the wackiness of the universe, and everything else that happens serendipitously).

3. In solitude, preferably the ensconced in the confines of a posh powder room or a substantial throne room (one of the few places one can go these days for a bit of well-deserved privacy).

4. Attired in one's birthday suit (to appreciate the naked truth).

5. Well before the consumption of a large meal (so as to prevent belching all over the contents).

6. Preferably without the aid of an iPod, TV, or CD playing in the background (known to distract even the most conscientious bookworms).

7. Under extenuating circumstances, fully-attired readers may peruse the latest blog entry in the waiting room of their accountant, dentist, lawyer, physician, or veterinarian, (provided they share the contents with these professionals who may not have a funnybone or if they possess one, do not know how to tickle it).

8. On holidays, (instead of reading utterly boring Blackberry messages sent by one's churly children, crabby colleagues, or bleeping boss).

9. Without anything in one's lap, (be it an animal companion or a carnal one...neither of whom can understand why the absurd, odd, or weird side of life appeals to you more than they do).

10. After yoga or meditation, (after all one needs something scintillating to fill in the blanks of life, and a good deal less stressful than connecting the dots or crossing the t's and dotting the i's).

NOTE: For those who wretch at the thought of reading another word, please share your thoughtless remarks with your pet rock. For those who are mildly enamored of with the contents, please be advised that you may need another shot of something stronger to fall madly in love with the blog. And for those who are ecstatic, please refrain from tossing me a bouquet of flowers ...they wilt fast but, if you must, I'll let you know where you can courier me the very finest box of truffles.

__________

And before I sign off, I would like to thank the folks from Wordlab for recognizing on December 22, 2006 in their feature, 25,000 Mile Stones, the modest contribution made to their online wordboard forum by a mirthful maven monarch, not to mention Liz Strauss, a very successful blogger for her Blogger A Day Award.

It seems that there's one powerful potentate in the online world, (named "Bloggy Awards"), who enjoys judging the merits of the written word, and it seems he has lots to say about QQ's sister blog, Wordorium.

10 THINGS TO SAY AFTER GETTING AN UNWANTED GIFT

2006-12-15T09:10:00.000-08:00

Or, mouths were made for mumbling many mirthful murmurings

By Daphne Droitwitch, a merry-minded mystery shopper who adores picking up perplexing presents designed to drive recipients right round the bend

The season of glad tidings and good cheer is fraught with problems, like what to buy someone who has everything.

The answer to this question is to search high and low for the wackiest item on the store shelf, something that you can’t imagine your friend or family member would even dare to purchase.

Half the fun of course is seeing the look on the face of the receiver.

But if you’re perchance the “giftee”, and at a loss for words, take the following valuable advice.

Never be caught without a few ripsnorting retorts for that great holiday gift you wish you hadn’t received from Grandma Myrtle, cousin Horace, or that cute cube farm mate at work.

1. Your choice of odd apparel is a perfect fit … for my gerbil.

2. I know my mother wouldn’t be caught dead wearing this; I guess that’s why St. Peter sent it back with his best regards.

3. And here I thought all these years that you liked my birthday suit.

4. Never kick a gift horse in the mouth, but no one said I can’t pin a tail on a donkey.

5. When life gives you lemons, squeeze them for all they’re worth…and I intend to do just that!

6. I know you care enough to send the very best …but your goat will not fit in my garage, so I’m sending it back to you to cut your grass.

7. Of course I love your present, when did you say your birthday is?

8. Thanks, this will be a great addition to my bunkum book collection in my Little Loo Library.

9. Super…the next housewarming party I attend, I’ll be sure to throw this on the fire!

10. I know you like playing Father Christmas, but unless you can control your urge to yell ho-ho-ho all over the place and scare the pets, I’m gonna have to call Santa's security service to haul you away.

THANK HEAVEN FOR SANTA!

2006-12-13T09:28:00.000-08:00

Or, aren't you glad it's "Jolly Socks" season!

By Theolonius McTavish, a jolly joy-stick rider with a penchant for bright red, flanalette, long-johns and jumbo-sized empty socks that hang from the chimney with care, in hopes that St. Nick likes wash-and-wear!

Much is made of the ho-ho-ho holiday season. But let's face it, what would it be without a saucy sexegenarian making a spectacle of himself, so much so that his little round belly shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jello.

Frankly, who else would be caught dead speeding around in a super-charged sleigh, consuming far too much milk and cookies for his own good health, and then yelling ho-ho-ho at the top of his lungs just to let everyone know he's got a sack full of stuff made by a bunch of over-worked elves?

Clearly, I'm not the only one who has a few reservations about this heavy-duty holiday season and a humongous ho-ho-ho-er with several handles: SANTA, Father Christmas, or Kris Kringle.

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." -- George Carlin

"Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year." -- Victor Borge

"I never believed in Santa Claus becaue I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark." -- Dick Gregory

"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven." -- W.C. Fields

"God is a Republican, and Santa Claus is a Democrat." -- H.L. Mencken

"Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip." -- Gary Allen

"Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses." -- Anonymous

"Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernable source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?" -- Tim Armstrong (from Marvin)

"A good many things go around in the dark besides Santa Claus." -- Herbert Hoover

"Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
He must be a communist.
And a beard and long hair,
Must be a pacifist.
What's in that pipe he's smoking?" -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus".

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to a department store, and he asked for my autograph." -- Shirley Temple

"I played Santa Claus many times, and if you don't believe it, check out the divorce settlements awarded my wives." -- Groucho Marx

"What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic." -- Anonymous

And in this world of wit and wonk, thank God Benny Hill put things straight!

"Roses are reddish,
Violets are bluish,
If it weren't for Christmas,
We'd all be Jewish."

THINK SANTA LIVES AT THE NORTH POLE?

2006-12-11T06:28:00.000-08:00

Or, will the real North Pole please stand up!

By Theolonius McTavish who suffers from Santa Syndrome caused by peer pressure; unmistakable symptoms include snorting at the sight of elves, using heavy-duty air freshners to remove the odor of rutting reindeer, and temporary hearing loss associated with jingling bells.

Everyone knows that Santa Claus lives at the North Pole.

It has to be true because every year kids and grown-ups send their wish lists there via email, snail mail, or courier companies with an overnight delivery guarantee.

The only hitch is that there's only one North Pole in the world, (and it's not even situated in the red, white and blue star-spangled banner country on earth).

To overcome this geographic glitch, Americans came up with ...you guessed it ...a very long list of "North Poles".

Heaven forbid, we can't have all that precious mail destined for the glee-conscious guy in a red suit to go missing. And, we sure as heck don't want to upset the biggest Kris Kringle ka-ching season on record.

So, if you're worried about whether Santa will receive your request for a new digital doodad or a frilly bit of frippery, fear not. Rest assured, there are many places to drop off your note to that fetching fellow at the North Pole:

-- North Pole (Santa watchers claim that he stores his sleigh and snowshoes in Alaska)
-- North Pole Knob (no Virginia, they've never heard about igloos in Newton County, Arkansas)
-- North Pole Mine (where Santa sends folks who've been naughty in Gunnison County, Colorado)
-- North Pole Peak (the elves wear spurs in San Miguel County, Colorado)
-- North Pole Lake (where they don't like skating on thin ice in Blaine County, Idaho)
-- North Pole (red spandex long-johns are a huge hit in Idaho County, Idaho)
-- North Pole (a populated place full of couch potatoes in Idaho)
-- North Pole Mound (Dorothy and Toto get more votes than Santa in Elk County, Kansas)
-- North Pole Creek (where it's fun to watch the ice melt in Broadwater County, Montana)
-- North Pole Tunnel (Santa's underground access to a casino in Lincoln County, Nevada)
-- North Pole (a populated place full of red-nosed folk in Essex County, New York)
-- North Pole (a sweet saucy summit in Clinton County, New York)
-- North Pole Road Bridge (where trolls lie in wait for Santa's sleigh in Brown County, Ohio)
-- North Pole Mine (Santa's stash of fool's gold in Baker County, Oregon)
-- North Pole Creek (Sasquatch is more popular than Santa in Deschutes County, Oregon)
-- North Pole Ridge (word has it there are no elves in Sherman County, Oregon)
-- North Pole Spring (they've never heard of reindeer in Custers County, South Dakota)
-- North Pole Gulf (where the polar bear swim isn't popular in Rhea County, Tennessee)
-- North Pole Canyon (a valley of full of Ebenezer Scrooges in Dickens County, Texas)
-- North Pole Pass (a magnetic place in Utah that welcomes the second-coming of Santa Claus)

Not to put too fine a compass point on it, but the one and only, 100% money-back guaranteed true "North Pole" can be found in a place full of eager beavers, bears, breathtakingly big bugs, not to mention those abominable people of snow who prance and putz about in this cold climate country called Canada.

__________

Wanna see more places, visit http://www.placenames.com/.

BLANKETY BLANK BLANKS

2006-12-04T08:12:00.000-08:00

Or, why the bleep should anyone care?

By Samantha Tooting-Beck, a jest-in-time journalist with an interest in the lifestyle of lackadaisical libertines and low-expectation lounge lizards with lofty literary pretensions

According to a leading tickle-me-pink trend-spotter by the name of Professor Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, (Dean of Do-Nothing & Drollery at the University of Unanticipated Unlikelihoods), the world of blankety blank blanks is increasing at an ever alarming pace.

His rich recollective research into the obscure oddities of life on planet Earth reveals no less than 102,000 web pages currently devoted to the timely topic of blank looks. Professor Hadweenzic speculates that perhaps the sharp increase in the frequency of blank looks is inversely proportional to the number of blank maps of Canada ordered by elementary teachers. Only time will tell.

An even more scintillating statistic is that an astounding 341,000 web pages are dedicated to the existence of titleless tomes better known as blank books. Dr. Hadweenzic suggests that the burgeoning blank book business may in part be attributed to the ever-expanding cache of hidden cookies found on blank web pages. So grab your credit card and pick up a copy of your favorite fake folio before it disappears for good!

And if that doesn't rock your socks off, perhaps knowing that 1,190,000 web pages underline the importance of filling in the blanks correctly will certainly do so. Otherwise the Law of Loopholes will prevail and you'll find yourself failing, flopping, or simply flunking your next exam. It is important to note that the esteemed Dean of Do-Nothing & Drollery had precious little to say about this unmerciful, unmistakable, if not unrewarding fact of life.

However, the good news is that if the latter untoward event should happen, you can take solace in the fact that there's a cute consolation prize waiting for you with your name engraved on it. Oh whoop-dee-do! Won't your family and friends be impressed when you pull out your Blankety Blank Cheque Book and Pen Set at your next glee-challenged gathering.

ONLY IN NORTH AMERICA

2006-12-02T15:34:00.000-08:00

Or, paradoxical places to visit in the heartland of stars, spangled banners, and snowshoes

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, PhD (a pretty hopeless dingbat) who occupies a place of honor in The Creative Loafing Institute as Dean of Dross & Drollery, and Occasional Chairperson of the Cheerful Chinwag & Chortle Department when the spirit moves him

North America, heartland of baubles and bling, glitter and glam, plus oodles of stars, spangled banners and way too many snowshoes, is also a hilarious hub of paradoxical places one can choose to settle down or simply set up shop.

A quirky quilt of posh if not sometimes peculiar place names exits to meet the needs of eclectic, eccentric, and entertaining folk looking for a place to plop.

Indeed, one does not have to look to far to find a delightful directory of dazzling places to visit. There’s a wonderfully wonky selection of titillating towns to choose from, (especially if one is into big screen personalities).

Archie (Louisiana)
Ben Franklin (Texas)
Ben Hur (Texas)
Ben Hur (Virginia)
Big Foot (Texas)
Big Ugly (West Virginia)
Buddha (Indiana)
Flintstone (Maryland)
George (Washington)
Homerville (Goergia)
King Arthur’s Court (Michigan)
King of Prussia (Pennsylvania)
Frankenstein (Missouri)
Napoleon (North Dakota)
Papa (Hawaii)
Pocahontas (Arkansas)
Romeo (Michigan)
Robinhood (Maine)
Ruff Starbuck (Washington)
Santa Claus (Indiana)
Santa Claus (Georgia)
Satan's Kingdom (Vermont)
Tarzan (Texas)
Tolstoy (South Dakota)
Uncle Sam (Louisiana)
Voltaire (North Dakota)

On the other hand, if one lives north of the 49th parallel, the scintillating show-stopper spots on the map truly leave a lot to be desired:

Bugaboos (British Columbia)
Cupids (in Newfoundland)
Disney Island (Ontario)
Disraeli (Quebec)
Druid (Saskatchewan)
Ebenezer (Prince Edward Island)
Hitchcock (Saskatchewan)
Mermaid (Prince Edward Island)
Mozart (Saskatchewan)
Nixon (Ontario)
Starbuck (Manitoba)
Sultan (Ontario)
Viking (Alberta)
Vulcan (Alberta)
Xena (Saskatchewan)

THANKS FOR A BAD CALL!

2006-11-26T18:10:00.000-08:00

November 24, 2006

Victoria Elizabeth Is a B.A.D. Blogger

ME Strauss wrote this at 8:41 am:

Blogger A Day Call: Hello is Victoria Elizabeth there?

Don’t tell the folks in England, but the folks in Canada are only pretending. They might speak to the monarchy over there, but they have a queen over here. She must be royalty. Not only is she called the Quipping Queen, her name is Victoria Elizabeth. You can’t get more stately than a name like that.

Victoria Elizabeth and I have lot in common — she’s a Quipping Queen and I’m a saloonkeeper’s daughter.

Once we said hello, Victoria Elizabeth and I spent 3.2476549388254 seconds on the weather and another 2.99875655 seconds talking about her work experience. Victoria Elizabeth, aka the Quipping Queen, was in Business Development and Strategy. Then she found she liked it better, putting those skills to work as a consultant. She’s been online in one form or another since 1994.

Maybe it was QQVE’s online experience or perhaps it was her royal influence, but we were quickly off the surface and deep into human behavior. We talked about the individuality of bloggers, about how fiercely independent we are. Our conversation included the difference between networking online and networking in person. The Quipping Queen suggested that online connections are specific and narrow — if I want to know about some obscure something, it’s easier to find people who are into just that — blogger relationships are more efficient than real world relationships in that way.

I get jazzed when someone hands me a thought I haven’t had before. I’ll be cooking that one for few months or so.

Victoria and I talked about small talk and perceiving information, how they are really the two ends of one linear spectrum. We covered the topics of innovation and creativity and the reasons that schools and businesses don’t support them. We discussed seeing the elephant the room, how a good idea shifts the balance of power, and what makes folks who live by group think get uncomfortable. For a while there, Joseph Campbell’s Power of Myth was topic on the table.

Let’s just say that we didn’t waste .000000000000001 second on trivial conversation.

Bloggers are intriguing, intelligent people.

B.A.D. Blogger Quote:

If you want to buy stuff off the rack, you might not appreciate what bloggers have to offer. –Victoria Elizabeth aka The Quipping Queen

_________

Quipping Queen owes a big debt of gratitude to a Liz Strauss over at http://www.successful-blog.com for her kind remarks and thoughtful insights into the wonderful world of blogging.

QUIRKY COCKTAILS FOR CURIOUS FOLK

2006-11-11T17:41:00.000-08:00

Or, drinks that would dazzle a dunderhead

By Theolonius McTavish, an irksome Irish inwit with a nose for naughty names, an ear for merry monikers, an eye for pedantic pieces of piffle, and a twisted tongue that enjoys a tankard of titillation, “An Irish Kiss”, or a “Blarney Stone Sip” to sustain his unique form of insanity.

Cocktails are designed fill in time while waiting for some fetching bit of eye-candy to stroll by as much as to whet a whistle.

Care however must be exercised in selecting just the appropriate aperitif to fit the occasion. After all, one doesn't want to appear being a klutz when it comes to choosing a cocktail.

For example, if you’re not a cowpoke with clean boots, it’s not a wise idea to order “42 Flying Mules”, a “Broken Spur”, or a “Buffalo Chip” unless of course you’ve been invited to drop a wad of cash into the hat at a delightfully dull Democratic Party fundraising event.

On the other hand, if you’re invited to attend a Republican Party fundraiser sponsored by the religious right, you had better think twice about sneaking a surreptitious shot of “Elephant Lips”, “Easy Action” or an “Extra Fuzzy Navel” (without the President’s permission). No, this is not the time for “Pink Elephants on Parade” either!

If perchance you’re enjoying an afternoon equestrian event, avoid ordering “A Furlong Too Late”, a “Headless Horseman”, “Horse Feathers” or a “Horses’s Ass” because the bartender is just as likely to flog your fancy fetlocks when you’re not looking!

As for the formal farewell dinner you're hosting for your blankety-blank boss, you may want to forget about ordering a round of “Bitter Experience”, “Bonehead”, and “Braindead” or that all time favorite, “Burnt Turkey”, (unless you’d like a pink slip to match your “Pink Lady”).

Weddings are wonderful occasions to honor two lost souls who happened to find each while tip-toeing through the tulips one spring day, but it’s not really the right place to toast the bride and groom with a “Sally Fudpucker”, “Seduction on the Rocks”, or that slippery special “Sand In Your Shorts” (as they head off on their three-day honeymoon to Hell Hollow, New Hampshire).

And last but not least, after a grueling day on the links, never invite your buddies to partake in a “Skinny Dip”, indulge in “Sex on the Sofa”, or suggest a “Shit on the Grass”, (unless you're prepared to live with the consequences of bad timing, poor judgment, and a lousy golf swing)!

___________

And, if you simply must have more mirthful mouthfuls of marvelous stuff, do drop by one of the most interesting and intelligent imbibing sites I've visited recently.

THE QUEENDOM OF QUIPPERY

2006-11-02T08:53:00.000-08:00

Or, how in the heck does one find this spot of twee and glee?

By Victoria Elizabeth, Her Royal Majesty, The Quipping Queen & Empress of Eccentricity, whose castle, crown and cataleptic courtiers can often be found lollgagging about in the Land of Flakes, Fruitcakes and Nuts, (otherwise known as the capital city of Beautiful British Columbia, in Canada of course).

Visitors to the Queendom of Quippery often drop by this spot of spoofery quite by accident rather than intent, (as the following list of search engine keywords used to find this bodacious blog might suggest).

I thought it appropriate to share with my rapscallion and ripsnorting readers just how many wayfaring wafflers happen upon this bit of bumpf while perambulating or putzing about this great, gorgeous, and gripping universe filled with all manner of trifling topics designed to tantalize the eyeballs and tickle the mind.

For those who can’t manage to sit still in their seats while flapping their gums, twiddling their thumbs, and wiggling their ears like the rest of the world's wonks, here is a random assortment of weird words and phlegmatic phrases that have been used to open the drawbridge to drollery in the Queendom of Quippery.

Best place to find bears in oblivion
Broomcloset marketing
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HMS Surly
Honey Harbour
How Now Brown Cow
Is Unalasaka boring?
Jesters toast
Never kick a gift horse in the mouth
North Carolina masquerade balls
Origin of lollygagging
Punkeydoodles Corners, Ontario
Real estate in Slapout, Oklahoma
Rude Boy Chardonnay
Shoe stores in pei ugg
Snob Hill Chardonnay
Things to put on a resume
Tiddlywink tournament
Twelve days of Christmas parodies
Virginia odd spots to visit
When life gives you lemons

So, the next time you type “things to do on a boring day” into your web browser, odds are that the Guru of Gaffes & Guffaws, (in charge of internet search engines), will probably send you off on a gleeful goose chase to my neck of the woods.

Who knows, if you smile, bow ever so graciously, and say the magic words that every munchkin knows…you may be lucky enough to be awarded one of our prestigious and pretentious titles like: Duchess of Dweebery, Earl of Extended Knecks, or Patron Saint of Pointy-Heads & Piffle.

HAVE YOU SEEN "THE GREAT PUMPKIN"?

2006-10-31T10:09:00.000-08:00

Or, Where to Hang Out on Halloween in Canada

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D., Visiting Professor of Pompous Pinheads & Permutated Pumpkins at the University of Undeniably Useless Undertakings (located in beautiful downtown Grizzly Bear’s Head & The Lean Man, Saskatchewan naturally).

Every year at Halloween, testy tikes from all over the globe manage to send me a gunny sack full of picayune, piffling or patently pitiful questions like: “Where pray tell does "The Great Pumpkin" live?”, “Where’s the best place to find wicked witches at this time of year?” or, “Are there any weird walkabouts worth doing on Halloween in Canada?”

So, in the interest of furthering an appreciation of melancholic, morbid and mumpish morsels of musings on this ghastly ghoulish occasion, please feel free to fill your blessedly barmy boots!

“Where pray tell does The Great Pumpkin live?”

Most likely you will find this valiant vagabond veggie with oodles of vim and vigor tucked away somewhere in one of the following nine cozy corners in this crazy Canuck country: Pumpkin Bay (Ontario), Pumpkin Hill (New Brunswick), Pumpkin Island (Ontario, Nova Scotia), Lac Pumpkin (Quebec), Pumpkin Point (Ontario), Pumpkin Rock (Nova Scotia), Baie Pumpkinseed (Quebec), or Pumkinvine Brook (a small river in Nova Scotia).

Word has it that a smelly sort named “Sasquatch” inhabits the Western environs, (which is why “The Great Pumpkin” had to seek refuge in the god-forsaken geography offered by the other half of the country that’s not over-run with bears, beavers, and blackflies).

“Where’s the best place to find wicked witches at this time of year?”

Often found flying around in black capes with pointy black hats and black leather boots aboard turbo-charged broomsticks, these feisty females will likely be located in “hot spots” like: Lucifer Mountain (Alberta); Bugaboos, Ogre Mountain, or Sorcerer Mountain (British Columbia); Brokenhead, Finger, or Lizard Point (Manitoba); Eel River Crossing (New Brunswick); Blow Me Down, Goblin, Goobies (Newfoundland); Gore (Nova Scotia); Merlin (Ontario), Nail Pond (Prince Edward Island), Magpie and Nitro (Quebec); Cut Knife, Druid or Snipe Lake (Saskatchewan), and last but not least, Snag (Yukon Territories).

If you come across a witch just smile and admire her hexing ability, (unless of course you don’t mind being turned into a tawdry toad for the remainder of your lily-livered life on planet Earth).

Are there any weird walkabouts worth doing in Canada on Halloween?

“The Tacky Tourist Guide to Potty or Peculiar Places Not to Miss Whilst Visiting Canada” recommends the following off-beat, off-the-map, orifices in the wall: Dead Man Flats, Ghost, or Vulcan (Alberta); Flathead, Horsefly, or Spuzzum (British Columbia); Bagot, Button, or Zbaraz (Manitoba); Poodiac (New Brunswick); Billy Butts Pond, Old Man’s Head, and Nicky’s Nose Cove (Newfoundland); Thumb Island (Northwest Territories); Ecum Secum, Mushaboom, and Old Sweat (Nova Scotia); Oldman’s Pocket, Moose Factory, or Pooh Lake (Ontario); Crapaud, Ebenezer, or Old Harry (Prince Edward Island), Aachikaayusaakaasich Portage, (Quebec); and those eye-biting, entertaining towns of Elbow, Eyebrow, or Little Bone (Saskatchewan).

Before I depart, may I wish you a marvellous monster-mashing evening with Morticia & Friends. And do beware of purple people and pumpkin eaters...they've got rather large appetites!

____________

For those who would dearly love to learn more about crazy Canuck Halloween habits, feel free to check out this little gem.

And for those wicked wenches and wiseacre winkers, do drop by a previously-enjoyed pocketbook store, and pick up a cast-off copy of the Queen of the Witches by Jessica Berens. You'll adore the malevolent musings of a posh protagonist named Sheenah, (High Priestess of the Divine Order of Isis and Director of the Witches' Liberation League) and her arch rival/naughty nemesis, Myra, (Clan Mistress and Wiccan Mother of the South London Sisters of Diana).