The Quipping Queen

MAY THE SPIRIT OF SERENDIPTY BE WITH YOU ALWAYS!

2007-12-25T12:01:00.000-08:00

December 25, 2007

Dear Naughty Nudnick:
(Forget about trying to hoodwink me...I know who you are!)

I know you're a bit dumbfounded by that puzzling present nestled nicely beneath your tacky tinsel tree, (it's the one you bought last year for a dime at the annual "Grinch Garage Sale").

Well, to make a long story short, I had a most informative talk with "Socrates", (he's the dead Greek philospher who now works as a bouncer at the Pearly Gates Night Club & Casino in a place called "Paradise Lost"), about what to bring someone who's been shall we say, more than a bit naughty this past year.

Not wanting to disappoint you, we decided to take a pass on those twelve drunk drummers (frankly, they're driving everyone nuts which is not a good thing unless one has a large supply of Prozac pills handy).

We weren't impressed with the performance of the eleven incredibly pathetic pipers piping (who couldn't hold a tune even if they tried!)

As for those ten lollygagging lords a-leaping (...just who do they think they are anyway?*!)

And the nine ladies dancing rather dangerously in nothing but their knickers (are a sight for sore eyes, probably because they flunked their final exam at the Queen of Sheba's Pole-Dancing Academy).

Those eight overworked and underpaid maids-a-milking (employed by a cost-conscious company called "Cowbunga!"), they're now vacationing in The Land of Milk & Honey without you!

The seven swans a-swimming (...more like sashaying around a godforsaken lake full of loons looking for a good time no doubt) would not have set a good example for you.

Clearly the six geese-a-laying (who left their all their crap behind so now we all have to wear wellyboots for pity's sake!) spend too much time lollygagging about on the golf course like someone else we know.

We thought of those five fake golden rings belonging to the VANOC Olympic Committee (who are trying to promote the multi-million 2010 Winter Games in a place that rains cats and dogs 364 days a year) are not willing to part with their fool's gold, even for you!

Yes, the four calling birds (that keep on wooing the neighbor's wretched mongrel who's going completely bonkers), apparently they're an endangered species and you can't have them.

Now those three French hens (whom I might add don't speak a word of English but have believe it or not managed to finish off the last case of "Arrogant Frog - Ribet Red" in existence), it seems they're already spoken for at a bachelorette party.

Which brings us to those two tawdry turtle doves (who keep dumping their damn detritus on everyone's pristine front lawn), and a red-legged partridge (better known as "Alectoris rufa") in a pear tree who's so blinking bored with life that he's ready to devour that well-cooked 20 lb. turkey with all the trimmings sitting beside that fantastic XBox 360 with a 20 GB hard-drive located in the trunk of a 2008 Lexus ES 350 with an onboard Navigation System, Moonroof and Bluetooth technology), they flew the coop!

So to sum it all up, we agreed that what you really needed most was a lifetime membership in the Socratic Order of Sandboxes. Since you haven't exactly bit the biscuit yet, the Crumpets Club advised us that they could not accept your application.If it's any consolation, we suggest you prepare your "bucket list" , because at the rate you're going, you may not survive until next year.

Signed,

The Bad Elf
Santa's Sassy Second-In-Command

WHAT...QUIPPING QUEEN PLAYING IN ANOTHER SANDBOX?

2007-10-25T16:14:00.000-07:00

Or, has HRH-QQ gone completely barmy?

For those of you who've been wondering where in the heck HRH-QQ has been for the past few months, I can now let the cat out of the bag.

According to my bodacious bio, "I am easily amused", so it's no surprise if I've been playing with new people, platforms and precious little else as I've officially retired from the royal "rat" race.

More to the point, I've been lounging and lollygagging about putting all manner of tangential topics together for lovers of twittery and twaddle.

So without further ado, I shall now guide you to take a peek at my curious creations in my ever-growing portfolio of puffery (over at "squidoo.com").

So next time you're bored with life, twiddling your thumbs, and wondering when Godot is arriving, you might want to check out these titillating topics:

Weird Words - A compendium of wonky words in the English language that sound naughty but truly are nice once you get to know them.

Strange Street Names - A collection of wild, wacky and very weird street names from around the globe.

Little Loo Library - A great giggle guide to buying some boffo books for the bathroom bookshelf.

Bizarre Books - A miscellany of mirth, especially if one enjoys odd, peculiar, or off-the-beaten track book titles.

Heffalump Headquarters - A hilarious hub for Perfectly Normal Beasts like heffalumps!

Socratic Order of Sandboxes - a place to plop for those who do not qualify for membership in the "Flat Earth Society".

Latin For Laughs - Where Latin-lovers with fractured funnybones hang out!

Yelling It Like It Is! - An ode to that great American icon, the inimitable, irreverent Goddess of Gripe and Mother of Mockery, "Maxine"!

SUMMER SABBATICAL

2007-07-12T09:45:00.000-07:00

To my ripsnorting readers:

This is just a brief bit of bumpf to let everyone know that HRH - Quipping Queen & Empress of Eccentricity is temporarily indisposed (and no she's not ensconced in her powder room).

She who is easily amused is taking a much needed summer sabbatical to hunt for heffalumps (one of her many crazy, cockamammie, crackerjack creative pursuits).

For those wishing to see if she really is a figment of someone's imagination, please take your fingers on over to her bodacious bio and peruse her long list of tengential topics that she finds engaging, entertaining, and sometimes enchanting at SQUIDOO.COM where she has her very own moat and merry-making munchkin friends who can't get enough of a quirky, quaffing QUIPPING QUEEN .

Tah tah, pip pip and all that fooforaw until the fall!

FIRST COMING OF "THE JESUS iPHONE"

2007-06-29T14:51:00.000-07:00

Or, miracle of miracles in the world of mirthful meditations!

By Reverend Ruth Ripplesbottom, Minister of Mirth (MOM) at the popular tongue-in-cheek Temple of Teetotalers & Tiddlywinks, (loosely affiliated with the chuckle-inclined Church of Chortle whose funnybone faith followers are led by the nose by a great big giggling guru of course). When not preaching about the value of smiling, snickering and snorting, she maintains her sanity by delving into such delightful diversions from divinity such as those offered by the Church of 80% Sincerity.

The wireless world of wonk and wit is forever grateful for the wonders of a new technology, especially today's launch of a darling device that's destined to change the way we communicate with mortals not to mention the Maker himself!

This moment in history is akin to the first coming of our Cosmic Creator, (or the "Big Bopper" as some like to call him).

Today, a miracle of miracles has happened...the launch of the little bit of heaven on earth ...Apple's brand new "iPhone"!

Here's a lovely little list of amazing things you'll be able to do with your new do-it-all device:

1. Pious procrastinators and prayer-minded people alike will be pleased to hear that this personal piece of titillating technology means you'll never again experience dropped phone calls to God, the Higher Power, or the Supreme Secular Spirit.

2. Snapping photos of devils in disguise using your iPhone camera will be as easy, provided you can say "1-2-3 cheese please".

3. E-mailing anyone in the cosmos will be a breeze, but the real question is can you type with your pinky finger without swearing a blue streak?

4. Web browsing will soon become a cinch, (especially for those conducting a quick online search for little loop holes in the Bible).

5. No need to sing psalms off key any longer, just tune in to your favorite music (such as hot hymns to soothe the soul or maybe some merry melodies during your morning meditations).

6. And last but not least, for the marginally mirth-minded, this great little gadget also offers a terrific way to download various vanity-videos like Monty Python's "Life of Brian" or TV re-runs of the BBC's hugely popular show among puckish parishioners and pew-pranksters, "The Vicar of Dibley".

Just think of it ...everything you could possible want or need at the touch of a single button.

Life will never be the same, nor will learning liturgy on a hand-held device. And thankfully, saving souls will become a whole heck of a lot easier with "The Jesus iPhone"!

__________

For more information on the wacky yet wonderful worship circles mentioned above, please drop by the Church of Chortle, the Temple of Teetotalers and Tiddlywinks, and the Church of 80% Sincerity.

ODD, OFFBEAT OR OUTRAGEOUS THINGS TO DO IN APRIL

2007-04-07T16:32:00.000-07:00

Or, how to meet your weird and wacky needs

Compiled by the Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by The Earl of Craboon, a lively lollygagging two-some in the Court of Quintessentially Quirky Quaffers & Quidnuncs

April is the month when fools rush in where wise men never go and angels fear to tread. (And frankly, anywhere wise men and angels hang out together would probably not satisfy the needs of a merry band of mischievous munchkins looking for a good time.)

So without further ado, here is the ludicrous lineup of odd, offbeat or outrageous things to keep you busy for all of April.

April: It's Sill Suds Month, (33 beer festivals to choose from around the globe, all you have to do is show up, tell a few jokes, and get yourself tiddly like all the other tipplers).

April 1: Hilarious Haberdashery, (time to pick out a great big fools cap, (because you’re going to wear in your little pinhead for the next 30 days).

April 6: Fun Friday, (time to blow bubbles in your bathtub and organize a chewing gum contest to see who can blow up the largest bubble without getting it stuck to a face).

April 8: Energizer Bunny Appreciation Day, (a fine occasion to honor the long-life battery that keeps your digital doodads from wimping out on you at an inopportune moment).

April 13-15: Annual Dolly Parade, (so slip on your wild Barbie and Ken togs or Beanie-Baby outfits, and join the fantastically funny folks in Pigeon Forge, TN).

April 20: Bring On The Bull! (wow, you can pay tribute to your Taurus friends and family members, the ones who’re boring and insensitive, not to mention materialistic if not a tad self-indulgent and stubborn. They have one positive quality, they can cook!

April 22: Earth Day, (time to check and see who makes the mud-pies, where’s the hot spot to watch mud-wrestling, and who does the best rendition of “Muddy Waters”.

April 25: Administrative Professional Day, (time to tie up a bureaucrat or “civil” servant in some fancy red duct tape and auction them off to anyone willing to take them).

April 30: Beltane Fire Festival, (you’ll need a kilt, a caber, and some fire-crackers to attend this Scottish celebration marking the beginning in spring; hopefully the Edinburgh Council won’t ban it like they have for the last few years!)

10 REASONS TO CELEBRATE MARCH

2007-03-16T11:07:00.000-07:00

Or, is March really a mad month?

By Patience Pantperhog, a jovial journalist and casual collector of missing socks whose best friend, Tarantula Tulip suggested that she get a life instead of inventing one for readers with way too much time to waste

In a nutshell, (if one enjoys consuming one's daily intake of proteins that way), March is the third month of the Gregorian calendar, according to all the trivia buffs.

Besides being named after the Roman god of war, Mars, (which may account for why there’s so much madness floating around in the universe), March offers at least ten reasons to justify if not celebrate its existence.

1. It’s an opportunity to cleanse one’s colon and become a friend of fibre; (how many folks can’t wait to celebrate “National Kidney Month”)!

2. It’s also “National Nutrition Month”, which means learning to love Brussels sprouts, broccoli, and Popeye’s favorite food, spinach!

3. “Women’s History Month” sounds like a superb way to learn more about the merits of a matriarchal society, how to break through the glass ceiling, and where to find Prince Charming and that gall-darned glass slipper.

4. Hard rock and birthstone collectors will be pleased to know that March is a great month for picking up some aquamarine or diamonds to match one’s teal green satin lounging pygamas at "Mardi Gras" (from February 23rd to March 9th).

5. "International Women’s Day" (on March 8th), is one day to honor women of spunk, sass, and substance, after all without them washing would be a drudge, meals would not be ready by 6:00 pm, and dust bunnies would rule the world.

6. Astrologically speaking “Pisces” and “Aries” born during the month will be happy, and why not…after all, doesn’t the human race need more gullible, self-pitying, temperamental, if not brash, bossy, and self-centered characters?

7. It’s also appropriate on March 17th (St. Patrick’s Day), to sport shamrocks, kiss the Blarney Stone, wear green, and lollygag about with the help of a few libations and leprechauns.

8. The appearance of the vernal or spring equinox (somewhere between March 19-21), is a nice reminder that since spring has sprung, green thumbs everywhere can make mudpies, watch grass grown, or at least talk to trees as they please.

9. Hoop and holler types will enjoy any excuse to watch a 20-day basketball tournament held by the NCAA Men’s Division Basketball “March Madness” Championship.

10. March may come in like a lion and go out like a lamb, which is great news if you’re a member of the animal kingdom, but it may be more helpful to check out the latest weather forecast on weatherbonk if one wants to locate the clouds with silver linings or ponder the reason why one is suffering from something called SAD (or seasonal blahs).

HOW TO BECOME A QUEEN

2007-03-08T13:20:00.000-08:00

Or, Monarch-Making the Easy Way on International Women's Day!

By Victoria Elizabeth, a self-proclaimed Monarch of Mirth, better known by her majestic moniker, "The Quipping Queen"

What better way to celebrate International Women’s Day than honoring the queen that lives in every female on the face of this planet.

There are, at last count, 21.6 million web pages devoted to answering the question, “How to become a queen?”

If truth be told, there are a lot of females the world over hankering for a piece of the patriarchal pie. Most are bored to their teeth waiting around for Prince Charming to show up and claim them (not to mention their glass slipper). Others are not so thrilled about having to compete in a beauty pageant for the honor of being crowned Queen for a Day, Queen of May or Homecoming Queen for that matter.

Considering the fact that very few females can claim the title Queen, (by virtue of their bodacious blueblood lineage), that leaves a limited number of alternatives with which to purse in order to fulfill their dazzling destiny.

The first option for ascending a throne is to marry a monarch. Those wishing to pursue this alternative should keep their eyes peeled for a dude who has a decent prospect of becoming a King in very short order; better yet, choose one that already has his crown, a well-stocked treasure chest, and some tantalizing territory over which to rule. If the lady in question wishes to join the ranks of royalty, she would also be well advised to attend a posh pre-school and a rather fine ivy league college, not to mention befriend oodles of glitterati, or at least attend a good many who’s who whingding shindigs.

By far the more reliable and satisfying option entails following the path of least resistance which involves, believe it or not, proclaiming oneself queen.

Forget the royal rigmarole that usually comes with inheriting a royal title or joining a connubial clan of cockamamie characters and crotchety crustaceans, hoist your own flag, grab your glittering garb and tantalizing tiara, sit upon your very own throne with a plush red velvet cushion, and declare to all the world that you are a wondrous woman of spunk and substance, (who is bound and determined to have a jolly good time for once in her life)!

There’s much to be said for crowning oneself "Queen of Sheba", "Queen of Hearts", "Queen of Wands", "Queen of the Sofa", "Queen of Klutz", "Queen of Experiences", "Queen of the Universe", "Queen of Everything" or whatever other merry moniker pleases your majesty. After all, you also get to pick and choose whom you wish to join your court, whether it be fawning friends, ardent admirers or simply funny folk who make you laugh and play. And you get to call the shots when it comes to decorating your digs, whether you like building sandcastles in the air, hiring some civil knights in shining armor to build you a Lego Castle with a moat, or maybe just a do-it-yourself easy-to construct Cardboard Castle.

Remember, every woman possesses her own compelling, distinctive, and incredible, personal power. When all is said and done, it’s up to women to bring forth their unique talents, share their precious wisdom of life with others, and never to forget to leave the world a better place than when they arrived.

10 THINGS NOT TO SAY ON VALENTINE'S DAY

2007-02-08T07:55:00.000-08:00

Or, is a rose as sweet by any other name?

By Theolonius McTavish*, a vapid, verseless, Valentine’s card giver who would rather forget about February 14th altogether if that was humanly possible

The folks from Lovelines reported that on May 21, 2006 some 4,396 bloggers posted the word "love" somewhere on their sites. How many will post that word on "St. Valentine's" this year remains to be seen.

Valentine’s Day is an absolutely horrible day, especially if one is trying to find just the right card for the love of one’s life, let alone the de rigueur flower arrangement and sumptuously packaged goody box.

It is an equally dismal day, if one is expecting a cute card delivered on a bed of red roses not to mention a bottle of fine red wine together with a box of my lady’s finest chocolate truffles...none of which arrive on the appointed day.

So, if you flub on this fanciful occasion, please practice these pesky pieces of prose on your pet plant or animal companion before whispering the usual sweet-nothings in someone else’s ear on February 14th.

-- Am I’m glad you showed up – I was afraid I’d actually have to kiss that frog! (Gratuitous greeting to an insignificant other.)

-- Withering Violets …you call that a bouquet for a buxom beauty like me! (A brusque ‘bon not’ to a penny-pinching paramour.)

-- So Don Juan, just how many hearts have you broken today? (A zesty zinger for a corporate Casanova masquerading as Cupid.)

-- Just because you’re wearing silk boxer shorts with little red hearts doesn’t mean I know you! (A succinct statement to a spouse one has known far too long.)

-- I don’t do birthday suits…find another gene pool to swim in! (Terse text message to a tasteless twit or near-naked nincompoop.)

-- Do you give prizes to folks who sneeze all over your fancy flowers? (Casual query to a florist.)

-- If I hear another frigging “My Funny Valentine” ring tone duet I'm gonna barf! (One-sided colorful conversation of a Blackberry-boyfriend.)

-- Does this meal come with a magnifying glass or am I supposed to supply my own? (Response to a snooty French restaurant server who brings you one misshapen morsel of mussel in a tiny shell on a large, empty, bone china dinner plate as the main course!)

-- When you’ve finished playing with your little rubber bow and arrow maybe you could peel me a grape! (Saucy salutation from a dainty damsel who’s tired of waiting for her knight-in-shining armour to get with the program.)

-- Kindly keep your candy-wrappers to yourself! (Curt comment from an environmentally-unfriendly Valentine vixen.)

Alternatively, you can always pick up a copy of Love on a Rotten Day: An Astrological Survival Guide to Romance and try to wing it as it were, or at least find yourself a planet that will roll out the red carpet for you ...on your birthday.

And to all those serenity-challenged swains whose pet kimodo dragon consumed their beloved's Valentine card for breakfast, to those who polished off at lunch the box of chocolates intended for their inamorata, and to those who forgot to pick up a plastic petal arrangement from the Dead Flower Society for their sweetheart, thankfully here are a myriad of ways to say "I love you" (in 100 languages)!

__________

*Theo's advice for the hopeless romantic, learn how how to write a love poem with help from the wiki world types.

OUTRAGEOUS EVENTS FOR FEBRUARY 2007

2007-02-01T07:39:00.000-08:00

Or, bring on some odd, strange, and weird things to do!

By Lady Beatrice Blitterlees & Lord Earl Craboon, two party-tossing twits of some renown.

February is no ordinary month. It’s full of feisty, frisky and fun things to do, especially if you’re into celebrating the end of winter (Groundhog Day), not to mention lots of hogs (Chinese New Year’s – The Year of the Golden Pig), and kisses (Valentine’s when Cupid cavorts about with his bow and arrow reminding us why love makes the world go round).

February 2 – WIP WING BOWL in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (US) an annual gluttonous get-together for cockamamie consumers. Twenty contestants will compete against five pesky poultry palates from the International Federation of Competitive Eaters (IFOCE) to see who munches the most chicken wings in 30 minutes.

February 3 - ARROGANT WORMS - a trio of titillators will perform at the Creekside Theater, in Kelowna, British Columbia (Canada) -- all you could ask for from Canada's self-proclaimed Clowned Princes of Humor, Purveyors of the Absurd, and Ambassadors of Fun!

February 14 - Cupid and Cassanova may be busy today, so you might want to drop by a pick up a pesky greeting from the folks at Valentine's From Hell.

February 15 - FLAG DAY IN CANADA -- First find Canada on a map, now design a new flag for this curious country full of crazy Canucks, (which may include but not be limited to loose moose, boisterous beavers, or something called Sasquatch. For more information please contact Rick Mercer.

February 18 - CHINESE NEW'S YEAR'S -- Yippee -- It's the "Golden Year of the Pig", time to pick up one of those heavenly hogwash t-shirts and celebrate!

Before February 20 - SOUTHWEST AIRLINES is sponsoring a contest seeking super-duper snicker videos made by "you" ...to promote wierd or wonderful excursions to any of their 63 dazzling destinations.

GOING WHOLE HOG IN THE YEAR OF THE PIG

2007-01-19T09:38:00.000-08:00

Or, how to avoid being hogtied in the Year of the Pig

By Theolonius McTavish, a raucous road hog with a penchant for pickled pigs toes, Black Forest ham, and Canadian back bacon.

If dogs look up to us while cats look down on us, it's not surpising to find at least one barnyard beast that treats us as equals. It's affectionately known as a dirty old pig.

And since 2007 has been declared the Year of the Golden Pig by Chinese astrologers, who are we to argue!

Now's the time to get a wiggle on and go the whole hog to honor all people, places, and things piggy!

All road warriors are advised to pick up a gas-guzzling Harley-Davidson brutish-sounding bike, better known as hog".

For those who can't save their money or adore counting if not hoarding pennies, it's time to buy a piggbank!

Pig-Pen personalities can finally come out of the closet!

Yup for those who aren't picky about food and don't like brushing their teeth, have we got something for you...a popular piggy tune!

For vertically-challenged crisis-prone critters who are having trouble being b-b-brave...it may be an opportune moment to learn a few words of wisdom from "Piglet".

Gluttonous grunts need no excuses to pig-out on bacon, ham and pork chops(just ask Lisa the Vegetarian)!

And what would the world be without Pink Floyd and pigs!

So, whatever you do this year, be nice to pigs, be they the fuzz with flatfeet, ...the muck-loving, potbellied, slippery, thick-headed variety ...or the higgledy-piggeldy ones who have a hard time finding things right under their snouts.

GOING HOG-WILD IN THE YEAR OF THE PIG

2007-01-12T08:45:00.000-08:00

Or, why not celebrate with a pigskin parade!

By Theolonius McTavish, a ribald rasher who's known to tell bawdy barnyard tales to tipplers at the Hogshead Pub

According to Chinese astrology, 2007 is “The Year of the Pig”. This is welcome news to the “Boars”, “Hogs” and “Swine” of the world who have not had much company to speak of in their end of the quagmire or swamp.

Sus scrofa are said to be gregarious grunts who though they have a wide circle of friends and acquaintances actually have few close buddies who share their passion for mucking about in the mud. Chivalrous and gallant, these cloven hooved critters don’t talk much with is a breath of fresh air considering the stench that often surrounds them.

Swine are not slackers. As a matter of fact, boozy boars have a great thirst for knowledge that includes the ever popular “Bottoms Up”, “Freddy Fudputter”, and “Fuzzy Navel”.

Rabbits and sheep are most compatible with boars. After all, how many creatures do you know that are willing hang out with hogs who avoid turning left or right and definitely have never heard of the word retreat.

So with all that in mind, just what does one say when encountering a pig this year?

I’ll bet you know what a pig-in-a-poke is eh? (Used with a prudish pig from Canada.)

I think I'll curl up with a crumpet and a pig-in-a-blanket. (Used with a British boar.)

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s folks who eat like pigs! (Used with generously-proportioned personalities who frequent Piggly-Wiggly’s far too much.)

I’m not going to be your guinea pig! (Used with scientifically-inclined swine.)

Me, marry that breathtaking boar. In a pig’s eye I am! (Used with ugly ungulates.)

I’m tickled pink to hear all about it. (Used with a porcine personality you’re trying to impress.)

I admire pigskin people. (Used with SuperBowl-infatuated swine.)

Pigtails aren’t your thing, are they? (Used with sveltless, statuesquely-challenged sows or members of the Pigmalion family.)

I wouldn’t get to swill-headed about that if I were you. (Used with a pigpen playmate.)

It's as plain as a pig on sofa. (Used with who deny the existence of an elephant in their living room.)

Piglet, what a squealing sensation you are. (Used with an immature member of the swine family.)

Bring home the bacon but leave your pig at home! (Used with a sweat-hog.)

Of course I love watching pigments dry. (Used with a paint-by-numbers pig.)

I’m not sure I understood all your hogwash, could you repeat that again? (Used with a buzzword boar or a red-tape rasher.)

I'm here to see the guy who can turn a sow's ear into a silk purse. (Used with those who aspire to live high on the hog.)

Being pigheaded certainly does pay off. (Used with stubborn swine.)

I can see you know how to make a pig's ear. (Used with those who manage to muck-up anything they touch).

Watching you pig-out on brussel sprouts renews my faith in veganism. (Used with gluttonous green-oriented grunts.)

Having a super snout is great for digging up the dirt on on the competition. (Used with cosmetically-challeged cartilaginous critters who muck about just for the heck of it).

My god, you've mastered my favorite word in Piggot's Political Dictionary! (Used with pigs of different political persuasions.)

Pocco Rosso's my favorite flying pig. (Used with porcine pilot comic book fanatics or those who are allergic to flying cows and flying nuns).

Please clean-up your pig-pen before you go out and play. (Used with adolscent aardvarks).

I see you use everything but the squeal. (Used with fussy or thrifty sausage-makers.)

And when all is said and done, never forget that miracles happen every day. So keep your eyes open, because pigs can fly (at least they do in hog heaven) and some of them even been coaxed to turn fluorescent green (when served with ham probably)!

__________

For some super-duper swine swag, check out cafepress.com.

JEST-IN-TIME JANARY

2007-01-06T08:14:00.000-08:00

Or, what to do on a breathtakingly boring day...

Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees, in polite circles known as the Duchess of Dither, and Lord Earl Craboon, referred to as the Duke of Doorknobs, (a curious couple occupying a sandcastle somewhere in the Queendom of Quaffing & Quipping).

January is a rather bleak, blessedly boring, and some might even go so far as to say a dreadfully dull month.

On the other hand, peculiar people often find delight in all manner of things odd, peculiar, or downright strange. This is why we've spent a good deal of time tracking down some rather unique things to do to lighten one's sagging spirits at this time of year.

For those with short attention spans, tendencies to day dream frequently, or desires that extend beyond watching paint dry, we recommend participating in one of this month's unusual events:

13 Januay - Join the CFB Gagetown Medieval Anachronists' Club's January Feast (with a curry theme). Bring along some festive frippery, merry muskets, and saucy smiles to this ancient occasion being held at Canadian Forces Base Gagetown in Oromocto, New Brunswick (Canada).

19-21 January - Trundle off to Ressurection Bay, Alaska for the annual Polar Bear Jumpoff and Ugly Fish Toss and while you're at it...why not freeze your posterior off at the parade, loose your concentration during the bed-making contest, gladhand your way around the goofy golf tournament or slide your way to success at the ice-bowling championship.

26-28 January - Hop across the pond to Port Lincoln, Australia and join lots of other slippery souls and try your hand at tuna tossing during Tunarama. PS Don't tell "Tony the Tuna" you're coming!

27-28 January - Get yourself in gear, along with 70 other oddballs, for the world famous Swamp Buggy Races held every year in Florida Sports Park's "Sippy Hole".

30 January - Haul out your bagpipes, whip up some haggis, and practice sitting on a thistle, because Scotland is beckoning you! More to the point, The Lerwick Up Helly Aa, Britain's bonfire festival features a torchlight parade, burning of a Viking galley, and a good deal of Scotch whisky flowing into the wee hours of the night!

And for those who like to putz about with nothing in particular to capture their fancy on their peculiar agenda, do drop by Dracula's Castle in Bucharest, Romania. (Note: The capital city in which this pugilistic palace is located was founded by one rather frightening fellow by the name of Vlad the Impaler in 1459. This charming chap later became the inspiration for Bram Stoker's blood-sucking vampire named....you guessed it!)

Cheerio, pip pip, and tah tah from your tippling tour-guides.

_________

For those who can't find enough curious, off-beat, or unusual places and things to do, why not pick up a copy of Eccentric America.

2007 - WILL WONDERS NEVER CEASE

2007-01-02T09:38:00.000-08:00

Or, why are we celebrating that?

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Professor of Piffle at the University of Utterly Useless Undertakings in Little Snoring (Norfolk) and Dean-of-Do-Nothing at the International Institute of Irregular Verbs & Dangling Modifers in Yonder Bognie

Google reports that there are a mere 239,000 web pages out of a possible 55 billion devoted to the incomplete phrase "2007 Year of".

Besides that astounding bit of bumpf to brighten one's day, perhaps another perusal of the pages will reveal something even more brilliant to boggle a breathtakingly bored mind.

For those whose brain cells are firing on all cylanders, 2007 is expected to rather remarkable, especially if you wish to join in the following year-long celebrations:

Year of the BluOnyx - yippee or yowsers that is if you really dig "mobile content servers"

Year of the Dolphin - of interest to playful Pisceans or those of piscatorial persuasions

Year of the Food Police - will the flab fighters be welcome in your neighborhood?

Year of the Goddess - gods will be riding in the backseat this year and don't you forget it!

Year of the iSlump - you mean to say that podcasting will go poof?

Year of the Night Sky - time to catch a falling star, put it in your pocket, and save it for a rainy day or join those wicked witches riding on broomsticks for some fun

Year of the Outdoors - for all those who love the call of nature, frosting rocks, and bogrolls

Year of the Red Pig - Chinese astrologers however can't guarantee pigs will fly or that piggybanks be full

Year of Women in Engineering - Another Aussie attempt to make women rule the world

Year of the Widget - a whoopee moment for digital doodads and domahickies

Year of Civil Unions - where Glee & Gaiety can finally hook up "downunder"

Year of the Surf Lifesaver - an Aussie lesson on why it's not wise to swim with sharks

Year of the Boar/Ding Hai - the long lost animal companion of Miss Piggy

Year of the Organized Home - a real boon for Clutter Queens & Ripsnorting Recyclers

Year of the Thin Films - that's great if you like stories with thin plot lines

Year of the Rumi - pondering pool and think tank enthusiasts will be overjoyed

Year of the Shawl - a pleasing piece particularly if you're a peek-a-boo person

Year of the Slappy - a pat on the back for all those gawky gamers no doubt

Year of the Truck - giddy-up-and-go gas-guzzlers please...take note!

If none of these turn your crank, it might be time to trade in your old jalopy, date a gadfly, consult a guru or another 365 days for a new lease on life.

HOW TO MAKE A NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION

2006-12-30T16:32:00.000-08:00

Or, can you really complete these sentences?

By Theolonius McTavish, a gallant if not good-natured gladiator with a thistle in his tam who has difficulty swallowing haggis, doing the hokey-pokey, or sleeping in a hammock, (a trio of trivial tribulations with which one daring dude must contend).

Every year, millions of minions around the globe must prepare for the inevitable ritual of “New Year’s Resolutions”.

To aid those who cannot come up with anything that ressembles a reliable (on second thought ripsnorting) resolution, I am providing my own version below. (Note: select one item in parentheses).

This year I resolve to no longer obsess about my (frigging freckles, flat feet, or furrowed brow), my (receding hairline, expanding waistline, or kingsized keister), or my (fashionable faux-pas, frequent forages into the refrigerator, or far too many trips to the throne room/water-closet to count).

Because I am already really good at (finger-painting, snakes-and-ladders, or pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey), and (skating on thin ice, walking on water, or swimming with sharks) not to mention (burping, flatulating, or snoring), but only when absolutely necessary.

Sure, I ate a lot over the past month, but that’s okay, because I had a fabulous time (courting candy-canes, flirting over fruitcakes, or trifling with hot toddies) and (chewing the fat, draining the cup, or licking the bowl) with (Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, or I can’t recall…is this a trick question?).

After the holidays, I’ll simply get back on track by not (drinking like a fish, eating like a pig, or wolfing down food like there’s no tomorrow), and (passing on the punch bowl, swearing off sweets, or turning down those tantalizing treats), after I've practiced (hustling my bustle, jumping through hoops, or running around in little circles).

This year I am going to take more time to: (beat my breast, leap to conclusions, or pat myself on the back) and more time to (hug trees, pet rocks or watch paint dry).

My name is (The Big Kahuna, Queen Bee if you please, …or your favorite moniker), and this year I’m going to stay cool, eat well, and put the fun back in the “fundamentals” of life... so there!!

VEGGIE VAGABONDS & VIXENS WANTED

2006-12-29T12:43:00.000-08:00

Or, how to promote veggies in a voluptuous way

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Professor of Piffle at the University of Utterly Useless Undertakings in Great Snoring (Norfolk).

Veggies are not the first thing that comes to mind when puttering aimlessly about the overflowing shelves and and along the aisles of today's honking great supermarkets.

Frankly, veggies have been given a very bad rap by food fashionistas. Other than one swashbuckling American hero, (an eccentric pipe-smoking sailor named Popeye), few folks ever dare to chomp on spinach lest a wayward piece embarrassingly lodge between their two front teeth.

In the interests of enhancing the consumption of veggies full of virile vitamins, I have enlisted the support of my dear friend Tom Woo, (a grocery guru by trade who has suggested a few name changes in the hope of attracting a new audience).

-- Alluring Asparagus
-- Aimiable Avocado
-- Ardent Artichokes
-- Bathing Beauty Bamboo Shoots
-- Beloved Basil
-- Bawdy Brussels Sprouts
-- Bodacious Bok Choy
-- Breathtaking Beans
-- Buxom Beets
-- Brazen Broccoli
-- Captivating Cabbage
-- Carnal Carrots
-- Cheeky Chives
-- Chic Celery
-- Casanova Cauliflower
-- Caring Cucumber
-- Kissing Kale
-- Kismet Kidney Beans
-- Erotic Eggplants
-- Enamored Endive
-- Flirty Fennel
-- Gadfly Garlic
-- Libidinous Lettuce
-- Licentious Lentils
-- Luscious Ladyfingers
-- Lusty Leeks
-- Magnificent Marrow
-- Magic Mushrooms
-- Orgasmic Onions
-- Passionate Potatoes
-- Potent Peppers
-- Predisposed Parsnips
-- Provocative Parsley
-- Risque Rutabaga
-- Robust Radishes
-- Romancing Romaine
-- Scintillating Swisschard
-- Sensual Squash
-- Sultry Snow Peas
-- Shapely Shallots
-- Succulent Spinach
-- Stimulating Sprouts
-- Tantalizing Tomatoes
-- Wanton Watercress
-- Yearning Yucca
-- Zesty Zucchini

________

For those interested in the nuances of vegetable names please consult Mighty Fine Words And Smashing Expressions.

For those turned off turnips or members of the vulgar veggy family, (probably the lumpy, bumpy and icky yellow ones), feel free to pick up a copy of The Ugly Vegetables by Grace Lin.

And last but not least, for those seeking a more intriguing, entertaining and informative romp through a practical handbook on pumpkin-oriented paramours, please consult the Dictionary of Aphrodisiacs by H.E. Wedeck.

TOP 10 WAYS TO APPRECIATE THE WRITING IN THIS BLOG

2006-12-22T16:29:00.000-08:00

Or, why you should exercise your eyeballs at least once a day

By the Quipping Queen, a quirky quaffing quidnunc who enjoys whistling in the wind, sampling egg-nog and brandy flavored ice-cream with a rather large soup spoon, and munching on shortbread cookies before bedtime.

Many readers ask me what's so special about my blog that they should read it, let alone recommend it to others.

The short answer is, if you have to ask this uninspiring question -- perhaps counting sheep, humming rum-tiddly-pum, or waiting for Godot is more up your alley.

On the other hand, for those who can't wait to explore the unknown, here are the top ten ways to appreciate the writing in this blog.

1. With a good stiff drink in hand, (because it helps to put a busy mind at ease in order to keep track of the odd collection of characters who drop by the Court of the Quipping Queen).

2. With a pair of rose colored glasses (so as to provide a different perspective on the oddities of life, the wackiness of the universe, and everything else that happens serendipitously).

3. In solitude, preferably the ensconced in the confines of a posh powder room or a substantial throne room (one of the few places one can go these days for a bit of well-deserved privacy).

4. Attired in one's birthday suit (to appreciate the naked truth).

5. Well before the consumption of a large meal (so as to prevent belching all over the contents).

6. Preferably without the aid of an iPod, TV, or CD playing in the background (known to distract even the most conscientious bookworms).

7. Under extenuating circumstances, fully-attired readers may peruse the latest blog entry in the waiting room of their accountant, dentist, lawyer, physician, or veterinarian, (provided they share the contents with these professionals who may not have a funnybone or if they possess one, do not know how to tickle it).

8. On holidays, (instead of reading utterly boring Blackberry messages sent by one's churly children, crabby colleagues, or bleeping boss).

9. Without anything in one's lap, (be it an animal companion or a carnal one...neither of whom can understand why the absurd, odd, or weird side of life appeals to you more than they do).

10. After yoga or meditation, (after all one needs something scintillating to fill in the blanks of life, and a good deal less stressful than connecting the dots or crossing the t's and dotting the i's).

NOTE: For those who wretch at the thought of reading another word, please share your thoughtless remarks with your pet rock. For those who are mildly enamored of with the contents, please be advised that you may need another shot of something stronger to fall madly in love with the blog. And for those who are ecstatic, please refrain from tossing me a bouquet of flowers ...they wilt fast but, if you must, I'll let you know where you can courier me the very finest box of truffles.

__________

And before I sign off, I would like to thank the folks from Wordlab for recognizing on December 22, 2006 in their feature, 25,000 Mile Stones, the modest contribution made to their online wordboard forum by a mirthful maven monarch, not to mention Liz Strauss, a very successful blogger for her Blogger A Day Award.

It seems that there's one powerful potentate in the online world, (named "Bloggy Awards"), who enjoys judging the merits of the written word, and it seems he has lots to say about QQ's sister blog, Wordorium.

10 THINGS TO SAY AFTER GETTING AN UNWANTED GIFT

2006-12-15T09:10:00.000-08:00

Or, mouths were made for mumbling many mirthful murmurings

By Daphne Droitwitch, a merry-minded mystery shopper who adores picking up perplexing presents designed to drive recipients right round the bend

The season of glad tidings and good cheer is fraught with problems, like what to buy someone who has everything.

The answer to this question is to search high and low for the wackiest item on the store shelf, something that you can’t imagine your friend or family member would even dare to purchase.

Half the fun of course is seeing the look on the face of the receiver.

But if you’re perchance the “giftee”, and at a loss for words, take the following valuable advice.

Never be caught without a few ripsnorting retorts for that great holiday gift you wish you hadn’t received from Grandma Myrtle, cousin Horace, or that cute cube farm mate at work.

1. Your choice of odd apparel is a perfect fit … for my gerbil.

2. I know my mother wouldn’t be caught dead wearing this; I guess that’s why St. Peter sent it back with his best regards.

3. And here I thought all these years that you liked my birthday suit.

4. Never kick a gift horse in the mouth, but no one said I can’t pin a tail on a donkey.

5. When life gives you lemons, squeeze them for all they’re worth…and I intend to do just that!

6. I know you care enough to send the very best …but your goat will not fit in my garage, so I’m sending it back to you to cut your grass.

7. Of course I love your present, when did you say your birthday is?

8. Thanks, this will be a great addition to my bunkum book collection in my Little Loo Library.

9. Super…the next housewarming party I attend, I’ll be sure to throw this on the fire!

10. I know you like playing Father Christmas, but unless you can control your urge to yell ho-ho-ho all over the place and scare the pets, I’m gonna have to call Santa's security service to haul you away.

THANK HEAVEN FOR SANTA!

2006-12-13T09:28:00.000-08:00

Or, aren't you glad it's "Jolly Socks" season!

By Theolonius McTavish, a jolly joy-stick rider with a penchant for bright red, flanalette, long-johns and jumbo-sized empty socks that hang from the chimney with care, in hopes that St. Nick likes wash-and-wear!

Much is made of the ho-ho-ho holiday season. But let's face it, what would it be without a saucy sexegenarian making a spectacle of himself, so much so that his little round belly shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jello.

Frankly, who else would be caught dead speeding around in a super-charged sleigh, consuming far too much milk and cookies for his own good health, and then yelling ho-ho-ho at the top of his lungs just to let everyone know he's got a sack full of stuff made by a bunch of over-worked elves?

Clearly, I'm not the only one who has a few reservations about this heavy-duty holiday season and a humongous ho-ho-ho-er with several handles: SANTA, Father Christmas, or Kris Kringle.

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." -- George Carlin

"Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year." -- Victor Borge

"I never believed in Santa Claus becaue I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark." -- Dick Gregory

"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven." -- W.C. Fields

"God is a Republican, and Santa Claus is a Democrat." -- H.L. Mencken

"Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip." -- Gary Allen

"Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses." -- Anonymous

"Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernable source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?" -- Tim Armstrong (from Marvin)

"A good many things go around in the dark besides Santa Claus." -- Herbert Hoover

"Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
He must be a communist.
And a beard and long hair,
Must be a pacifist.
What's in that pipe he's smoking?" -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus".

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to a department store, and he asked for my autograph." -- Shirley Temple

"I played Santa Claus many times, and if you don't believe it, check out the divorce settlements awarded my wives." -- Groucho Marx

"What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic." -- Anonymous

And in this world of wit and wonk, thank God Benny Hill put things straight!

"Roses are reddish,
Violets are bluish,
If it weren't for Christmas,
We'd all be Jewish."

THINK SANTA LIVES AT THE NORTH POLE?

2006-12-11T06:28:00.000-08:00

Or, will the real North Pole please stand up!

By Theolonius McTavish who suffers from Santa Syndrome caused by peer pressure; unmistakable symptoms include snorting at the sight of elves, using heavy-duty air freshners to remove the odor of rutting reindeer, and temporary hearing loss associated with jingling bells.

Everyone knows that Santa Claus lives at the North Pole.

It has to be true because every year kids and grown-ups send their wish lists there via email, snail mail, or courier companies with an overnight delivery guarantee.

The only hitch is that there's only one North Pole in the world, (and it's not even situated in the red, white and blue star-spangled banner country on earth).

To overcome this geographic glitch, Americans came up with ...you guessed it ...a very long list of "North Poles".

Heaven forbid, we can't have all that precious mail destined for the glee-conscious guy in a red suit to go missing. And, we sure as heck don't want to upset the biggest Kris Kringle ka-ching season on record.

So, if you're worried about whether Santa will receive your request for a new digital doodad or a frilly bit of frippery, fear not. Rest assured, there are many places to drop off your note to that fetching fellow at the North Pole:

-- North Pole (Santa watchers claim that he stores his sleigh and snowshoes in Alaska)
-- North Pole Knob (no Virginia, they've never heard about igloos in Newton County, Arkansas)
-- North Pole Mine (where Santa sends folks who've been naughty in Gunnison County, Colorado)
-- North Pole Peak (the elves wear spurs in San Miguel County, Colorado)
-- North Pole Lake (where they don't like skating on thin ice in Blaine County, Idaho)
-- North Pole (red spandex long-johns are a huge hit in Idaho County, Idaho)
-- North Pole (a populated place full of couch potatoes in Idaho)
-- North Pole Mound (Dorothy and Toto get more votes than Santa in Elk County, Kansas)
-- North Pole Creek (where it's fun to watch the ice melt in Broadwater County, Montana)
-- North Pole Tunnel (Santa's underground access to a casino in Lincoln County, Nevada)
-- North Pole (a populated place full of red-nosed folk in Essex County, New York)
-- North Pole (a sweet saucy summit in Clinton County, New York)
-- North Pole Road Bridge (where trolls lie in wait for Santa's sleigh in Brown County, Ohio)
-- North Pole Mine (Santa's stash of fool's gold in Baker County, Oregon)
-- North Pole Creek (Sasquatch is more popular than Santa in Deschutes County, Oregon)
-- North Pole Ridge (word has it there are no elves in Sherman County, Oregon)
-- North Pole Spring (they've never heard of reindeer in Custers County, South Dakota)
-- North Pole Gulf (where the polar bear swim isn't popular in Rhea County, Tennessee)
-- North Pole Canyon (a valley of full of Ebenezer Scrooges in Dickens County, Texas)
-- North Pole Pass (a magnetic place in Utah that welcomes the second-coming of Santa Claus)

Not to put too fine a compass point on it, but the one and only, 100% money-back guaranteed true "North Pole" can be found in a place full of eager beavers, bears, breathtakingly big bugs, not to mention those abominable people of snow who prance and putz about in this cold climate country called Canada.

__________

Wanna see more places, visit http://www.placenames.com/.

BLANKETY BLANK BLANKS

2006-12-04T08:12:00.000-08:00

Or, why the bleep should anyone care?

By Samantha Tooting-Beck, a jest-in-time journalist with an interest in the lifestyle of lackadaisical libertines and low-expectation lounge lizards with lofty literary pretensions

According to a leading tickle-me-pink trend-spotter by the name of Professor Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, (Dean of Do-Nothing & Drollery at the University of Unanticipated Unlikelihoods), the world of blankety blank blanks is increasing at an ever alarming pace.

His rich recollective research into the obscure oddities of life on planet Earth reveals no less than 102,000 web pages currently devoted to the timely topic of blank looks. Professor Hadweenzic speculates that perhaps the sharp increase in the frequency of blank looks is inversely proportional to the number of blank maps of Canada ordered by elementary teachers. Only time will tell.

An even more scintillating statistic is that an astounding 341,000 web pages are dedicated to the existence of titleless tomes better known as blank books. Dr. Hadweenzic suggests that the burgeoning blank book business may in part be attributed to the ever-expanding cache of hidden cookies found on blank web pages. So grab your credit card and pick up a copy of your favorite fake folio before it disappears for good!

And if that doesn't rock your socks off, perhaps knowing that 1,190,000 web pages underline the importance of filling in the blanks correctly will certainly do so. Otherwise the Law of Loopholes will prevail and you'll find yourself failing, flopping, or simply flunking your next exam. It is important to note that the esteemed Dean of Do-Nothing & Drollery had precious little to say about this unmerciful, unmistakable, if not unrewarding fact of life.

However, the good news is that if the latter untoward event should happen, you can take solace in the fact that there's a cute consolation prize waiting for you with your name engraved on it. Oh whoop-dee-do! Won't your family and friends be impressed when you pull out your Blankety Blank Cheque Book and Pen Set at your next glee-challenged gathering.

ONLY IN NORTH AMERICA

2006-12-02T15:34:00.000-08:00

Or, paradoxical places to visit in the heartland of stars, spangled banners, and snowshoes

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, PhD (a pretty hopeless dingbat) who occupies a place of honor in The Creative Loafing Institute as Dean of Dross & Drollery, and Occasional Chairperson of the Cheerful Chinwag & Chortle Department when the spirit moves him

North America, heartland of baubles and bling, glitter and glam, plus oodles of stars, spangled banners and way too many snowshoes, is also a hilarious hub of paradoxical places one can choose to settle down or simply set up shop.

A quirky quilt of posh if not sometimes peculiar place names exits to meet the needs of eclectic, eccentric, and entertaining folk looking for a place to plop.

Indeed, one does not have to look to far to find a delightful directory of dazzling places to visit. There’s a wonderfully wonky selection of titillating towns to choose from, (especially if one is into big screen personalities).

Archie (Louisiana)
Ben Franklin (Texas)
Ben Hur (Texas)
Ben Hur (Virginia)
Big Foot (Texas)
Big Ugly (West Virginia)
Buddha (Indiana)
Flintstone (Maryland)
George (Washington)
Homerville (Goergia)
King Arthur’s Court (Michigan)
King of Prussia (Pennsylvania)
Frankenstein (Missouri)
Napoleon (North Dakota)
Papa (Hawaii)
Pocahontas (Arkansas)
Romeo (Michigan)
Robinhood (Maine)
Ruff Starbuck (Washington)
Santa Claus (Indiana)
Santa Claus (Georgia)
Satan's Kingdom (Vermont)
Tarzan (Texas)
Tolstoy (South Dakota)
Uncle Sam (Louisiana)
Voltaire (North Dakota)

On the other hand, if one lives north of the 49th parallel, the scintillating show-stopper spots on the map truly leave a lot to be desired:

Bugaboos (British Columbia)
Cupids (in Newfoundland)
Disney Island (Ontario)
Disraeli (Quebec)
Druid (Saskatchewan)
Ebenezer (Prince Edward Island)
Hitchcock (Saskatchewan)
Mermaid (Prince Edward Island)
Mozart (Saskatchewan)
Nixon (Ontario)
Starbuck (Manitoba)
Sultan (Ontario)
Viking (Alberta)
Vulcan (Alberta)
Xena (Saskatchewan)

THANKS FOR A BAD CALL!

2006-11-26T18:10:00.000-08:00

November 24, 2006

Victoria Elizabeth Is a B.A.D. Blogger

ME Strauss wrote this at 8:41 am:

Blogger A Day Call: Hello is Victoria Elizabeth there?

Don’t tell the folks in England, but the folks in Canada are only pretending. They might speak to the monarchy over there, but they have a queen over here. She must be royalty. Not only is she called the Quipping Queen, her name is Victoria Elizabeth. You can’t get more stately than a name like that.

Victoria Elizabeth and I have lot in common — she’s a Quipping Queen and I’m a saloonkeeper’s daughter.

Once we said hello, Victoria Elizabeth and I spent 3.2476549388254 seconds on the weather and another 2.99875655 seconds talking about her work experience. Victoria Elizabeth, aka the Quipping Queen, was in Business Development and Strategy. Then she found she liked it better, putting those skills to work as a consultant. She’s been online in one form or another since 1994.

Maybe it was QQVE’s online experience or perhaps it was her royal influence, but we were quickly off the surface and deep into human behavior. We talked about the individuality of bloggers, about how fiercely independent we are. Our conversation included the difference between networking online and networking in person. The Quipping Queen suggested that online connections are specific and narrow — if I want to know about some obscure something, it’s easier to find people who are into just that — blogger relationships are more efficient than real world relationships in that way.

I get jazzed when someone hands me a thought I haven’t had before. I’ll be cooking that one for few months or so.

Victoria and I talked about small talk and perceiving information, how they are really the two ends of one linear spectrum. We covered the topics of innovation and creativity and the reasons that schools and businesses don’t support them. We discussed seeing the elephant the room, how a good idea shifts the balance of power, and what makes folks who live by group think get uncomfortable. For a while there, Joseph Campbell’s Power of Myth was topic on the table.

Let’s just say that we didn’t waste .000000000000001 second on trivial conversation.

Bloggers are intriguing, intelligent people.

B.A.D. Blogger Quote:

If you want to buy stuff off the rack, you might not appreciate what bloggers have to offer. –Victoria Elizabeth aka The Quipping Queen

_________

Quipping Queen owes a big debt of gratitude to a Liz Strauss over at http://www.successful-blog.com for her kind remarks and thoughtful insights into the wonderful world of blogging.

QUIRKY COCKTAILS FOR CURIOUS FOLK

2006-11-11T17:41:00.000-08:00

Or, drinks that would dazzle a dunderhead

By Theolonius McTavish, an irksome Irish inwit with a nose for naughty names, an ear for merry monikers, an eye for pedantic pieces of piffle, and a twisted tongue that enjoys a tankard of titillation, “An Irish Kiss”, or a “Blarney Stone Sip” to sustain his unique form of insanity.

Cocktails are designed fill in time while waiting for some fetching bit of eye-candy to stroll by as much as to whet a whistle.

Care however must be exercised in selecting just the appropriate aperitif to fit the occasion. After all, one doesn't want to appear being a klutz when it comes to choosing a cocktail.

For example, if you’re not a cowpoke with clean boots, it’s not a wise idea to order “42 Flying Mules”, a “Broken Spur”, or a “Buffalo Chip” unless of course you’ve been invited to drop a wad of cash into the hat at a delightfully dull Democratic Party fundraising event.

On the other hand, if you’re invited to attend a Republican Party fundraiser sponsored by the religious right, you had better think twice about sneaking a surreptitious shot of “Elephant Lips”, “Easy Action” or an “Extra Fuzzy Navel” (without the President’s permission). No, this is not the time for “Pink Elephants on Parade” either!

If perchance you’re enjoying an afternoon equestrian event, avoid ordering “A Furlong Too Late”, a “Headless Horseman”, “Horse Feathers” or a “Horses’s Ass” because the bartender is just as likely to flog your fancy fetlocks when you’re not looking!

As for the formal farewell dinner you're hosting for your blankety-blank boss, you may want to forget about ordering a round of “Bitter Experience”, “Bonehead”, and “Braindead” or that all time favorite, “Burnt Turkey”, (unless you’d like a pink slip to match your “Pink Lady”).

Weddings are wonderful occasions to honor two lost souls who happened to find each while tip-toeing through the tulips one spring day, but it’s not really the right place to toast the bride and groom with a “Sally Fudpucker”, “Seduction on the Rocks”, or that slippery special “Sand In Your Shorts” (as they head off on their three-day honeymoon to Hell Hollow, New Hampshire).

And last but not least, after a grueling day on the links, never invite your buddies to partake in a “Skinny Dip”, indulge in “Sex on the Sofa”, or suggest a “Shit on the Grass”, (unless you're prepared to live with the consequences of bad timing, poor judgment, and a lousy golf swing)!

___________

And, if you simply must have more mirthful mouthfuls of marvelous stuff, do drop by one of the most interesting and intelligent imbibing sites I've visited recently.

THE QUEENDOM OF QUIPPERY

2006-11-02T08:53:00.000-08:00

Or, how in the heck does one find this spot of twee and glee?

By Victoria Elizabeth, Her Royal Majesty, The Quipping Queen & Empress of Eccentricity, whose castle, crown and cataleptic courtiers can often be found lollgagging about in the Land of Flakes, Fruitcakes and Nuts, (otherwise known as the capital city of Beautiful British Columbia, in Canada of course).

Visitors to the Queendom of Quippery often drop by this spot of spoofery quite by accident rather than intent, (as the following list of search engine keywords used to find this bodacious blog might suggest).

I thought it appropriate to share with my rapscallion and ripsnorting readers just how many wayfaring wafflers happen upon this bit of bumpf while perambulating or putzing about this great, gorgeous, and gripping universe filled with all manner of trifling topics designed to tantalize the eyeballs and tickle the mind.

For those who can’t manage to sit still in their seats while flapping their gums, twiddling their thumbs, and wiggling their ears like the rest of the world's wonks, here is a random assortment of weird words and phlegmatic phrases that have been used to open the drawbridge to drollery in the Queendom of Quippery.

Best place to find bears in oblivion
Broomcloset marketing
Dingbat Queens
Fairy Godmother’s closet
Hellhole Palms, CA
HMS Surly
Honey Harbour
How Now Brown Cow
Is Unalasaka boring?
Jesters toast
Never kick a gift horse in the mouth
North Carolina masquerade balls
Origin of lollygagging
Punkeydoodles Corners, Ontario
Real estate in Slapout, Oklahoma
Rude Boy Chardonnay
Shoe stores in pei ugg
Snob Hill Chardonnay
Things to put on a resume
Tiddlywink tournament
Twelve days of Christmas parodies
Virginia odd spots to visit
When life gives you lemons

So, the next time you type “things to do on a boring day” into your web browser, odds are that the Guru of Gaffes & Guffaws, (in charge of internet search engines), will probably send you off on a gleeful goose chase to my neck of the woods.

Who knows, if you smile, bow ever so graciously, and say the magic words that every munchkin knows…you may be lucky enough to be awarded one of our prestigious and pretentious titles like: Duchess of Dweebery, Earl of Extended Knecks, or Patron Saint of Pointy-Heads & Piffle.

HAVE YOU SEEN "THE GREAT PUMPKIN"?

2006-10-31T10:09:00.000-08:00

Or, Where to Hang Out on Halloween in Canada

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D., Visiting Professor of Pompous Pinheads & Permutated Pumpkins at the University of Undeniably Useless Undertakings (located in beautiful downtown Grizzly Bear’s Head & The Lean Man, Saskatchewan naturally).

Every year at Halloween, testy tikes from all over the globe manage to send me a gunny sack full of picayune, piffling or patently pitiful questions like: “Where pray tell does "The Great Pumpkin" live?”, “Where’s the best place to find wicked witches at this time of year?” or, “Are there any weird walkabouts worth doing on Halloween in Canada?”

So, in the interest of furthering an appreciation of melancholic, morbid and mumpish morsels of musings on this ghastly ghoulish occasion, please feel free to fill your blessedly barmy boots!

“Where pray tell does The Great Pumpkin live?”

Most likely you will find this valiant vagabond veggie with oodles of vim and vigor tucked away somewhere in one of the following nine cozy corners in this crazy Canuck country: Pumpkin Bay (Ontario), Pumpkin Hill (New Brunswick), Pumpkin Island (Ontario, Nova Scotia), Lac Pumpkin (Quebec), Pumpkin Point (Ontario), Pumpkin Rock (Nova Scotia), Baie Pumpkinseed (Quebec), or Pumkinvine Brook (a small river in Nova Scotia).

Word has it that a smelly sort named “Sasquatch” inhabits the Western environs, (which is why “The Great Pumpkin” had to seek refuge in the god-forsaken geography offered by the other half of the country that’s not over-run with bears, beavers, and blackflies).

“Where’s the best place to find wicked witches at this time of year?”

Often found flying around in black capes with pointy black hats and black leather boots aboard turbo-charged broomsticks, these feisty females will likely be located in “hot spots” like: Lucifer Mountain (Alberta); Bugaboos, Ogre Mountain, or Sorcerer Mountain (British Columbia); Brokenhead, Finger, or Lizard Point (Manitoba); Eel River Crossing (New Brunswick); Blow Me Down, Goblin, Goobies (Newfoundland); Gore (Nova Scotia); Merlin (Ontario), Nail Pond (Prince Edward Island), Magpie and Nitro (Quebec); Cut Knife, Druid or Snipe Lake (Saskatchewan), and last but not least, Snag (Yukon Territories).

If you come across a witch just smile and admire her hexing ability, (unless of course you don’t mind being turned into a tawdry toad for the remainder of your lily-livered life on planet Earth).

Are there any weird walkabouts worth doing in Canada on Halloween?

“The Tacky Tourist Guide to Potty or Peculiar Places Not to Miss Whilst Visiting Canada” recommends the following off-beat, off-the-map, orifices in the wall: Dead Man Flats, Ghost, or Vulcan (Alberta); Flathead, Horsefly, or Spuzzum (British Columbia); Bagot, Button, or Zbaraz (Manitoba); Poodiac (New Brunswick); Billy Butts Pond, Old Man’s Head, and Nicky’s Nose Cove (Newfoundland); Thumb Island (Northwest Territories); Ecum Secum, Mushaboom, and Old Sweat (Nova Scotia); Oldman’s Pocket, Moose Factory, or Pooh Lake (Ontario); Crapaud, Ebenezer, or Old Harry (Prince Edward Island), Aachikaayusaakaasich Portage, (Quebec); and those eye-biting, entertaining towns of Elbow, Eyebrow, or Little Bone (Saskatchewan).

Before I depart, may I wish you a marvellous monster-mashing evening with Morticia & Friends. And do beware of purple people and pumpkin eaters...they've got rather large appetites!

____________

For those who would dearly love to learn more about crazy Canuck Halloween habits, feel free to check out this little gem.

And for those wicked wenches and wiseacre winkers, do drop by a previously-enjoyed pocketbook store, and pick up a cast-off copy of the Queen of the Witches by Jessica Berens. You'll adore the malevolent musings of a posh protagonist named Sheenah, (High Priestess of the Divine Order of Isis and Director of the Witches' Liberation League) and her arch rival/naughty nemesis, Myra, (Clan Mistress and Wiccan Mother of the South London Sisters of Diana).

IDIOTIC IDIOMS

2006-10-15T10:23:00.000-07:00

Or, praise be to twisted turns of phrase

Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by the Earl of Craboon, a lively lollygagging couple who lounge about in the Court of Quintessential Quaffers & Quirks

Those who roll up their sleeves never lose their pants or shirt in a game of Crazy 8's.

People who live in glass houses can’t see through everything.

She who bumps her head on a glass ceiling also complains about glass slippers that don’t fit.

If you're going to act like a bull in a china shop, why don't they call you “Cowabungle”?

If you’re gonna take a bull by the horns, why are you buckling on your chaps and spurs?

A stitch in time will save a surprise in the behind.

Don’t try to teach your grandmother how to suck eggs, unless you'd like to eat the eye of newt and toe of a frog, wool of bat and tongue of dog for the rest of your life!

Never kick a gift horse in the mouth unless of course you like being called a jackass.

He who let the cat out of the bag probably stole the cat’s pyjamas.

If you're going to steal my thunder, may it rain cats and dogs upon you!

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts, unless they have white beards, are dressed in red spandex bodysuits, and are in the company of randy reindeers requesting a shot of ouzo.

If you can do this with your hands tied behind your back, imagine what you could do if your head was screwed on!

To hell with red tape, I’d rather be tied up in knots!

If you wanna bury the hatchet, may as well bury your head in the sand at the same time.

If you’re gonna eat humble pie, please don’t talk with your mouth full.

You may be head over heels in love, but if you can’t put your best foot forward, you may get the order of the boot!

Mind your p’s and q’s, otherwise you may never get from a to b.

Clearly my salad days are over if I can't be cool as a cucumber.

Beware of crocodile tears, they may cost you an arm and a leg!

Here lies one whose name is writ in water; his only saving grace, a laugh like a drain.

I may be a fish out of water but I certainly don't drink like one!

All good things come to he who waits…until the cows come home.

All that glitters is not gold, especially if you live in a fool’s paradise.

One who is broad in the beam deserves a wide berth at all times.

You can lead a dark horse to water but you can’t make him fish or cut bait!

Ask not for whom the bell tolls, just make sure you’re not ringing my chimes!

If you're gonna fly by the seat of your pants, at least make sure you qualify for Air Miles!

The good news is that those who live high on the hog today are just as likely to run amok tomorrow.

If you’re going to be a dog in the manger, stop whining about the quality of the mutt’s nuts.

He who can’t cast pearls before swine probably can’t turn a sow’s ear into a silk purse either.

If it's all the same to you, I’d rather be a fly on the wall than a fly in the ointment.

YOU'RE IN CANADA NOW!

2006-10-08T10:18:00.000-07:00

Or, telltale signs that you’ve arrived in the home of the Canucks

By Theolonius McTavish, a transplanted toothy tartan type with a yen for tippling tankards and tasty tidbits that give one a terrible tummy ache, a red if not running nose and short-term memory loss.

Friends and even the occasional foe often ask me, “So, how’s life in Canada?”

Well the short answer is, it’s not like any other hub of humanity that’s for sure!

For those who’ve never set foot in a country full of ducks, pucks and Canucks, it’s how shall we say … “charmingly different” or “unprepossessing” if you really dig off-the-beaten path placid places such as “Driftpile”, “Old Sweat”, and “Nowhere Island”.

Here are a few signs to let you know that you’ve arrived in Canada, “the land of deer-in-the-headlight looks” and mythical monsters with bad breath, big feet, and bad hairdos not to mention curiously quaint names like “Bugaboos” or “Sasquatch”.

It’s a very secular spot -- where doughnut and coffee shops dot the landscape and outnumber places of piety by a ratio of 7 to 1, and a wayward winery that has vexed the Vatican by naming one of its vaunting varietals, “Blasted Church”.
The deer and the antelope play right outside your back door, along with the blinking beavers, mangy moose, and those cacophonous crapping creatures known as "Canada Geese".
Politicians who can’t walk on water usually take up skating on thin ice, going on wild-goose chases, or shooting the breeze – three great Canadian pastimes.
The “Barenaked Ladies” serenade you at the border crossing, while conscientious yet highly circumspect Customs & Immigration officials search your bags and travel trunks for any contraband including their favorite froth, “Naked Grape”.
Every barber or barbell shop in town is obliged to play the warbling wafts of waifs like Shania Twain, Diana Krall or Celine Dion, just to keep baby-boomer boys happy.
7-11 convenience stores and the TV shopping channel fill the 24/7 shopaholic segment of the consumer-driven economy, (when Santa Claus and his effervescent eleves at the North Pole are not available to prance about the planet in a fuel-efficient reindeer-powered sleigh dropping off naughty and nice things that make the world go round).
Where “eh” is a more popular pause point in a cat-your-your tongue conversation than such riveting random retorts as “um”, “ah” or “oh”.
Fashionable footwear includes handsome H2O-proof hip-waders, stylish steel-toed boots, or brightly-colored light-weight recycled rubber clogs.
Popular pests, (such as the 79 species of mega-munching mosquitoes who breed here in summer), come in only one size, “Grande”.
Teetotalers recommend sipping rather than slurping “Tea as it should be” when visiting Victoria, B.C., (home to far too many flakes, nuts, and raging grannies).

WEIRD & WHIMSICAL THINGS TO DO IN OCTOBER

2006-10-01T10:03:00.000-07:00

Or, why not have some fun with pirates, pumpkins and posh pet costumes

Compiled by the Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by The Earl of Craboon, a lively lollygagging two-some in the Court of Quintessentially Quirky Quaffers & Quidnuncs

For those who can’t wait for the autumn equinox, falling leaves, and senseless scarecrows, October has just arrived.

Just think of it, only three months to go before that flighty fellow in the red suit comes riding by with his gunnysack full of great stuff for all the good guys and gals.

In the meantime, there’s plenty to do keep the mind occupied, especially if you into pirates, pumpkins and posh pet costumes.

October 2 – Pump Up Your Pumpkin! – You’ll need to practice your yodeling for this one because it’s in Zurich, Switzerland at the Jucker Farmart where everyone loves to weigh in on heavy matters, especially who has the plumpest pumpkin? Last year the prize went to a honking great thing – 341 kilograms (the density of a disproportionate duchess).

October 7 – Loomis Egglant Festival – So you hate “aubergine”, can’t spell it and haven’t developed a taste for it yet, but you might just want to visit the Sierra Nevada mountains of California and visit the town of Loomis where eggplant entries race down a wooden plank in children’s wagons just for the heck of it. Quit complaining…give it a shot!

October 8 – World Conker Championships – Why not be among 500 contestants or 5,000 lollygagging leisure-minded folk…after all, if you can’t toss chestnuts on an open fire the least you can do is join in this saucy sporting event at Ashton Village Green in the U.K.

20-29 October – Fantasy Fest – Can’t wait to don your dorky duds/dazzling diva outfits or posh pet poofery? Well why not take in a week of wonk and weird happenings in Key West Florida on the “Dis-Oriented Express” including masquerade balls, quirky costume events, plumed parades, and much jest if not wholesome jocularity and joy-riding!

21-22 October – Wooly Worm Festival – Vanity-conscious virmiculturists will be pleased to know that they have a special spot to hang out every year. Why not rub shoulders with 1,000 creepy-inspired contestants along with 20,000 more of their furry friends and watch them race their colorful curious critters in Banner Elk, North Carolina.

27 October – November 5 – Pirates Week Festival – Captain Morgan, Captain of the HMCS Pinafore, and Captain Hook invite you to the balmy buccaneers in Georgetown, Cayman Islands for some roguish rum-running and romping about in style!

21-28 October – Circleville Pumpkin Show – Wanna join a crowd of quirky characters (300,000 strong)? Then head on over to a town outside of Columbus, Ohio where they plug the fact they have pumpkins that weigh more than 1,300 lbs., toss the orange orbs all over the place, and invite everyone to join in hog calling and pumpkin pie eating contests.

28-29 October – Witch Festival – If you’re a fan of frightening films, boisterous broomsticks, and wicked wenches, or have an interest in connecting to your Celtic past, casting spiffy spells in a curious coven, now you can join in with other saucy spooks and visit a scary supernatural spot called “Devil’s Point” (the Fort of Cognelot in France).

And whatever you do this month, make sure you keep your eye out for Monster Mashers, Troll Trouncers, and the spunkiest spirit of all, "The Great Pumpkin"!

___________

And if you can't get enough of those priceless pumpkins, you can always pay a visit to the Quipping Queen's Corner.

"RUBY RED" & "GREEN WITH ENVY"

2006-09-30T16:24:00.000-07:00

Or, What Do These Posh Paints Have In Common?

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D. (a Pleasant, hornswoggling Dude), currently the Dean of Dross & Drop-A-Hint at the widely acclaimed Academy of My-Way-Or-The-Highway, (also known as a nexus of noteworthy nincompoops and ninnyhammers situated somewhere between Old Sweat and Pugwash, Ontario, Canada if truth be told).

There is something to be said for owning a mortarboard and long-flowing black gown, it comes in handy at Halloween, and it keeps students guessing as to what quixotic questions are likely to appear on their next exam.

What do “Ruby Red” and “Green With Envy” enjoy in common, besides being the merry monikers of perhaps a few painted ladies from Shady Lane?

Speaking of tromping about in the hollyfuds, today’s topic is devoted to getting lost on a garden path and asking Dorothy for directions to the nearest Yellow Brick Road.

All of which leads to answering the question about "Ruby Red" and Friends including “Queen of the Night”, not to mention “Audrey Hepburn” and “Hilary Clinton”.

To be more precise, these fetching floral names refer not to any flower, but the third one in popularity behind roses and carnations. Wallflowers will be relieved to know that we're talking about none other than the humble tulip.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but there are more than 3,000 names of tulips recorded on the “Classified List & Register of Tulip Names” published annually in the Netherlands by the Royal General Association of Bulb Growers.

(Note: Before the establishment of the Register in the late 1920’s, it is said that some tulips were a tad ticked off …as officially they remained nameless, except for some tantalizing Turkish tulips named “Big Scarlet”, “Diamond Envy", “Increaser of Joy”, “Light of the Mind” and “Star of Felicity”. )

Green thumb types will be pleased to learn that titillating tulips titles reflect a rather broad bevy of bodacious bulbs and colorful companion kits on the market including: “Blushing Ballerina”, “Sealed With a Kiss”, and “Dainty Dancers”.

On the other hand, there are some top-notch tulips named after distinguished European women of history include among others: Anne Frank, Anna Pavlova, Jeanne d’Arc, Madame Curie, Madame de Pompadour, Maria Montessori, George Sand, Margo Fonteyn, Queen Victoria and Queen Mary.

Those interested in trivial tulip tales will probably be more interested in the fact that “tulipmania” began in the early 17th century in which gardeners, investors, merchants, and speculators in Europe paid exorbitant sums of money for special (often fragmented-colored) tulip bulbs. The mulch madness finally ended abruptly in 1637 when the supply caught up with the demand…which may be why in the late 20th century some eccentric fellow named 'Tiny Tim' who couldn’t hold a tune made a blinking fortune by singing, “Tip toe through the tulips”.

Hint: those who don't know the difference between a light bulb, a turnip bulb and a tulip bulb, should probably poke around and find another pondering pool to exercise their nitwit neurons.

THINGS THAT NEVER SAW THE LIGHT OF DAY

2006-09-23T07:46:00.000-07:00

Or, odds and ends that have gone 404 forever!

By Professor Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, one who is known to indulge in far too much scandal broth and cat napping while holding on to his Chair in the Department of Ornamental Obfuscation at the University of the Obtuse, in Oldmans Pocket (Ontario, Canada)

The other day, I was awakened from my usual somnambulant state of shopping by an overly friendly checkout clerk inquiring as to whether I was having a “good day”, and did I find what I was looking for in the store.

Not being a mind reader, I wasn’t altogether sure if we were both on the same planet. Clearly my cerebellum was in parking mode, and my mouth was hanging open long enough to catch a few fugitive fruit flies from the produce section. All of which brings me back to the purpose of today’s tale…things gone lost and perhaps never found.

For readers who need to satisfy their deep-thinking urges and quaint sense of curiosity, there are 146,000 web pages devoted to the topic of things that never saw the light of day.

So exactly what pray tell, has been cooked up or created, and subsequently chucked into a brown box marked “obsolete”, or the crestfallen category referred to as “obscurity” or “oblivion”?

Here is a ludicrous list of odds and sods with a long overdue expiry date:

“TwitCit”, part of the “Citadel” family of pioneering software, that came to an early devise due to a “history of forked code”. One wonders if perhaps the developers forgot to provide cutting-edge knives with their plate of posh puterware!

Technical writer, Gordon R. Meyer, is rather proud of composing the following light-hearted line in a rather dry, lifeless computer manual: “After the tablespace is reordered, the savings are added to the report, as shown in the illustration below. (Magnifying glass not included).” Now we know why those "Dummies" books are so popular.

A lad from the Netherlands informs the world that he wrote lots of computer code way back when on a Commodore 64…some of which was “crap but used anyway”, some that was “brilliant” (at least the author thinks so), and “code that was never used in a program”…hmmm what a bummer for a bodacious byter like “Der Hansie”!

A game-boy toots his horn by saying that he’s been creating code since the age of 10 but today programs as a hobby and not out of necessity. He is only too happy to share his entertaining experiences on the computer at such places as Novalogic and Neversoft, not to mention harken back to those “experimental things that never saw the light of day”.

BBC reported that recently that several secret weapons were being used by military forces including one that never saw the light of day -- not your ordinary “stink bomb” or “dirty bomb”, but something designed to expose the enemy soldiers by their “bad breath”! Perhaps fetid foot-odor was a dead-giveaway?

Parts 2 and 3 of a Caliber Comics story. Does this mean that there are lots of dialogue balloons floating around in space looking for a handful of little lost characters?

Apparently there are more than a few Atari “silver label” games that didn't make it to the toy shelves like: “Dumbo’s Flying Circus”, “Miss Piggy’s Wedding”, “Donald Duck’s Speedboat” and Dr. Salk’s “Peek-A-Boo”. Frankly, does the world really miss them?

The planet “Pluto” may have been recently demoted and sent back to anonymous asteroid belt, but a rebellion may be brewing in the ranks of star-gazers and astrologers. It may well be down for the count … but it’s definitely not out of the cosmos yet!

“Lithium Cabbage” only played a handful of gigs, when the artists split up after graduating from high school. Who knows, if they had finished college, they might have moved on to the next element in the periodic table, and maybe tried a new veggie on for size!

And last but not least the artwork collection of the National Archives of Canada includes a number of designs not selected by the Stamp Advisory Committee, (including one 19th century postage stamp proposal by Sir Sanford Fleming). If truth be told, this delightful dustbin of history draws only a polite applause from a smattering of ho-humming Newfoundlanders but lots of hooping and hollering from hockey-playing Canucks who think taxpayers’ money should be used to finance the salaries of posh pucksters!

FALL FUN FARE

2006-09-22T09:50:00.000-07:00

BRUTES & BOZOS BEWARE!

Registration for UBER UNIVERSITEASE courses must be completed by Monday, September 11, 2006.

The complexity and difficulty level of contents means that class sizes for "Knights of the Big Red Round Table" and their enigmatic entourages will be limited to 8 participants maximum.

All classes begin on Monday, September 18, 2006.

COURSE SYLLABUS AND TIMETABLE

Class 1: How To Fill Up Ice Cube Trays.--- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday & Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 p.m.

Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? --- Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 noon for 2 hours.

Class 3: Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 a.m. for 2 hours.

Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor. --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturday at 2:00 p.m. for 3 weeks.

Class 5: After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? --- Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 p.m.

Class 6: Loss Of Identity - Losing The Remote Control Device To Your Significant Other. --- Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 p.m.

Class 7: Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. --- Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 p.m. for 2 hours.

Class 8: Health Watch- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. --- Graphics and Audio Tapes.Three nights - Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 p.m. for 2 hours.

Class 9: Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost. --- Real Life Testimonials. Tuesday at 6:00 p.m.; location to be determined.

Class 10: Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? --- Driving Simulations. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

Class 11: LIFE LESSONS 1 - 10: Learning the Basic Differences Between Mother & Wife. --- Online Classes and Role-playing. Tuesday at 7:00 p.m., location to be determined.

Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. --- Relaxation Exercises, Meditation & Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours, beginning at 7:00 p.m.

Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. --- Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 p.m. for 2 hours.

Class 14: The Stove/Oven - What It Is? How It Is Used? --- Live Demonstration.Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 15: A Word About Air Freshners - It May Be Fun to Fart Around At Work Without Any Consequences, But At Home It's Quite Another Matter --- Theory Session, field trip to the local supermarket to select cost-effective, environmentally-friendly fragrances and practical demonstration on their use in confined spaces. Thursday at 7:00 p.m.
__________

NOTES

1. POTENTIAL PARTICIPANTS: Upon completion of any of the above accredited courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

2. All courses offered by the fully-accredited Uber Universitease come with self-centered, self-help audio and video tapes or high-definition dude DVDs for the patriarchically-challenged or self-described "non-people persons".
__________

Contributed by a cackle-conscious, Creative Loafer named Renie, (a retired university Professor of English now residing in Victoria, British Columbia).

CALORIE-COUNTING CREATIVE LOAFERS

2006-09-13T15:38:00.000-07:00

Or, ever wondered how many calories one burns while sauntering, snoozing, or smacking one’s lips together for eight hours?

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D. (a pretty happy dude), whose easy-as-pie attitude to life makes him a shoe-in for Dean of Do-Nothing at the Creative Loafing Institute, (dedicated to the long lost art of lingering, lollygagging or lounging about in the company of oneself or other like-minded folk)

Creative loafers and their kindred spirits, the ever elusive “fit wits”, will be pleased to learn that calories can be burned off in many interesting if not intriguing ways.

As a matter of fact, there’s no need to lift weights, run one’s buns off, or swim 100 lengths of the pool every day. The good news is that practically anything one does such as catching a bit of shut-eye, twiddling one’s thumbs, or whistling a happy tune burns calories off.

For calorie-conscious creative loafers, here’s a list of activities guaranteed to expend a little energy if one feels inclined to impress one's family, friends or the folks next door.

Riding a bicycle (built for one), going at a speed of 4 mph, will burn five calories per minute; if that’s too strenuous…try hopping on a tricycle or a unicycle!

Standing at a slot machine for eight hours trying to match those frigging little lemons, oranges and cherries all in a row without losing one’s sanity or burning a large hole in one’s pocket or purse will probably expend 1,402 calories before the day is over.

Walking at a slow pace all day long, (less than 2mph), whether at work or simply puttering will burn off 1,219 calories as will driving a car around for eight hours looking for a senior with short-term memory-loss or finding a fast-food franchise that serves low-carb cookies and lactose-free milk with one’s latte.

Typing on a computer, decorating a festive Ho-Ho-Ho Tree, sitting at mirthless meetings and flapping one’s gums vigorously, or simply sitting on one’s tush and talking with cranky clients for eight hours, will use up 914 calories.

Sleeping for eight hours, (provided one is a mere 160 lbs. and not on any hallucinatory pharmaceuticals), will knock off another 549 calories.

Watching TV, responding to e-mails, or reading one’s favorite book, (although some may consider these arduous forms of mental gymnastics), will nevertheless count for 50 calories towards fulfilling one's goal to eliminate one pound of cellulite this month!

And, for those vacuous vegetarians who can’t wait to get their hands on an 8-inch stalk of celery so their chompers and stomach acid can work their magic, they’ll be pleased to know that it requires more than six calories to digest this tasteless piece of stringy stuff.

The moral to this story of muscle musing is not to sweat the small stuff! And remember, “Life is a great big garden, so why not dig it…and forget all about that calorie-counting!”

__________

For those creative loafers who are really keen on counting calories ... take a peek at this site: Bodybuilding.com

10 THINGS TO DO IN SEPTEMBER

2006-09-02T10:43:00.000-07:00

Or, how to beat the blues, books, or sheer boredom

Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by the Earl of Craboon, a lively lollygagging couple who lounge about in the Court of Quintessential Quaffers & Quirks

September is the ninth lunar month of the Gregorian calendar.

Not to put too fine a point on it but, the Romans, (who in addition to ruling the world way back and racing chariots around coloseums in their their spare time), also managed to invent their very own twelve month timetable. Since they celebrated the New Year beginning in March, September was according to them only the seventh month of the year. Well, so much for the Romans and their short-lived system of reckoning.

The fact is that whether September is the the seventh or ninth month of the year, it’s still the beginning of another school year, and that all too familiar kick-off “show and tell” event. Frankly, who cares if you can’t read, write or spell worth a darn and doodling is your favorite subject! If truth be told, it's just way more cool to cut classes than nourish your noodle isn't it?

All of which brings us to the main point, what things should you contemplate doing to keep yourself from going completely bonkers this month.

1. Hold a Virgo Party for all friends or family members born between August 23 and September 22. After all what would the world be without all those cranky, demanding, irritable, dogmatic, eccentric, nervous, and undemonstrative worry warts? Okay, so maybe they have some redeeming features, they’re loyal, responsible, incisive communicators, and shrewd thinkers who enjoy being King or Queen of the Castle.

2. Take a ride on a subway somewhere. Why? Because it’s about time we celebrated the first subway in North America being opened in Boston on September 2, 1897. The fact of the matter is that nothing much has changed in almost 120 years…people are still pushing and shoving, or complaining about not getting a seat for pity's sake!

3. Participate in the annual weird and wonderful National Mud Festival to be held in Llanelli, Wales from September 9-10. Bring along your welly-boots and hip-waders for a bit of mirky merriment such as mud-wrestling, patty-cake making, not to mention welly-wanging for the entire family!

4. Ever consider yourself a high-flying high-falutin homo sapien? Why not hop across the pond and sign up for the International Bognor Birdman competition, to be held in Bognor, Regis (England) on September 9th and 10th. All you have to do is build your own set of winds and then flap them sufficiently long and far enough to win some mazuma for either yourself or your favorite charity.

5. For those with a penchant for tossing or heaving things around, suggest they take in the “World Black Pudding Throwing Championship” on September 10th in Ramsbottom, Lancashire (in jolly old England naturally). The town is famous for it’s ‘tripe’ (cow’s intestine) and ‘elder’ (steamed cow’s udder)…doesn’t that whet your appetite!!

6. Can’t cook…well have we got something to celebrate! If you can boil water, add a handful of oatmeal and add a pinch of salt for good measure, you can enter the Golden Spurtle World Porridge-Making Championships in Carrbridge on September 10, 2006. Who says chefs are born and not made!!

7. Okay, so you hate cooking and you couldn’t glue a pair of wings together if your life depended on it, but you adore getting behind the wheel of a car. Have we got a great opportunity for you! Time to head on over to Seloncourt, France to enter or watch the French Pedal-Powered Grand Prix, held on September 11th each year. Keep your eyes peeled for a banana car driven by monkeys, a pumpkin piloted by witches or a tiger with a Tarzan behind the wheel.

8. Those with ugly mugs looking for 15 minutes of fame might want to enter the “World Gurning Championships” being held on September 16th in Egremont in Cumbria, in the ‘olde’ country, where else?) Frankly, any festival that’s been organized since 1267 to celebrate the harvesting of the humble crab apple deserves some consideration. So practice putting your head in a horse collar and then contort your face into the scariest, most grotesque or silliest expression possible…who knows, you might even win!

9. For those who haven’t got a clue what to do, why not host a laugh-out-loud lunch (and invite your friends to bring along their bodacious brown bags of course). Tell everyone the theme is “It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time”, a great way for everyone to share their very own tawdry tales of detours, dead ends, and dubious decisions that went wonk when they weren’t paying attention to the things that really do matter like eating popcorn at the movies, experimenting with whoopee cushions, and talking to a pet rock.

10. And last but not least, those who are searching for something to do besides “Waiting for Godot”, they might want to head on down the Yellow Brick Road to Billings, Montana to take part in the "Scarecrow Auction & Festival" from September 21-23. Who says strawmen don’t have fun, even if every now and then one, the odd one goes up in flames? Whatever you do, don’t forget to say hi to the Tin Man, the Lion and the Wizard of Oz!

WHAT, PLUTO NOT A PLANET?

2006-08-24T09:06:00.000-07:00

Or, why snowball citizens are giving Earth the cold shoulder!

Theolonius McTavish, a jovial journalist with a natural inclination for odd, off-beat, and peculiar news stories that capture the imagination of odd, off-beat, and peculiar people

The International Astronomical Union today announced their decision to banish plucky Pluto to the wasteland of outer space. As if that wasn't enough, they also stripped this paltry piece of frozen real estate of its status as 'a pathetically picayune place with little going for it besides an odd orbit around the sun'.

Needless to say the Plutons were reportedly a tad "miffed" at this rather nasty bit of news. Word has it that if they had noses, they would have been thoroughly out of joint at being informed that they are no longer welcome as members of the Cosmic Club. As it was, they felt it more in keeping with their galactic cultural traditions to engage in a feisty bit of fastuous flatulation as a way of expressing their disdain for such a dreadful decision.

In response to this provocative proclamation, Pluto's politicians have closed ranks and decided unanimously to roll up their red carpet and send the following communiqué to Earth:

Dear Earthlings,

In light of your recent decision to refer to our citizens as “vertically-challenged people with frosty dispositions”, (also pejoratively known as “ice dwarfs”), and to revoke our position as the ninth planet in your solar system, please be informed that we shall henceforth be establishing our own solar system and hockey league to which you shall not be invited to join.

Effective today, our reputable robot "Hal" has informed us that "Earthlings haven't got a snowball’s chance in hell of landing their spacecraft on Plutonic ice rinks". Further, he recommended we convey our sincere regrets about asteroid belt anglers no longer being welcome to use Pluto's frozen fishing holes as a rest and recreation stop on interstellar tours. And as for Santa dropping by on December 25th to refuel his wretched reindeer, forget it!

We fervently hope that you enjoy figuring out how to land on Jupiter and Mars without crashing your spaceships not to mention have fun flipping burgers in a fast-food restaurant somewhere at the end of your union-busting universe.

The last piece of advice we offer you before parting company is to pick up a copy of Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Take a peek at what happens when "Kevin" shows up. "Just who the heck is Kevin" you ask...well "Kevin" is any random entity that doesn't know nothin' about nothin'. That's why when "Kevin" suddenly hits something, (well anything big or small and everything in between), members of the Department of Spurious Stuff at Department at the University of MaxiMegalon have to interrupt their daily prayer meeting by the poolside.")

All of which brings us to our last point, are you really, really sure that you want to know what's going on in dimensions 13 to 22 of your universe, let alone the parallel one next door?

Yours truly,

The Big Bopper
President and CEO of Planet Pluto.

Reaction from astrologers around the globe has been mixed. The moral majority of the deep physics folks are deeply distraught as the loss of Pluto will mean that some archetypes of the universe will be missing their magnetic forces. On the other hand, a zealous minority of zodiac watchers are rejoicing at the news that Pluto has been unceremoniously kicked out of the Planet Club. Speculation abounds as to whether Scorpio, (the deep musing sign ruled by the former planet Pluto), will be nixed shortly, resulting in fewer politicians being born under this sign to challenge the rule of Zeus, the Big Kahuna or someone called "the Grebulon Leader".

Meanwhile, entertainment executives from Disney Corporation were contemplating the negative impact of this news on the value of their stock portfolio, which is said to have included a long-forgotten investment in an animated dog named “Pluto”.

Teachers around the globe are threatening to delay the opening of the school year. This news of epic proportions has left them truly in a learning lurch. Not only will they be obliged to work with obsolete science textbooks but now they will have to work overtime revising their lesson plans, thereby cutting into their valuable vacation time!

And last but not least, rumblings have been heard beneath the earth’s crust that a Roman God named Pluto, (ruler of the underworld and X-large firecrackers called “Plutonium Puffs”), is going to boycott Halloween and Guy Fawkes Day, and all independence celebrations as a protest against the decision of mortals to make a mess out of the celestial system of gods and goddesses, not to mention create utter havoc in Hades and galaxies like the Milky Way.

So, stay tuned for fall-out from the earth-shattering decision of those fine folk who've invoked the name of science to tinker with the great big sky above, including an itty-bitty spot called "Pluto" that God allegedly created as an afterthought, or maybe it was a beforethought...no one knows for sure.

__________

Heard a voicemail greeting recently, "Somewhere between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea lies Pluto. Press 1 for "The Devil". Press 2 for "Pluto". Press 3 for "The Deep Blue Sea". Press 4 for "Haven't you got anything better to do with your time?"

Those unhappy with the decision of this spurious stargazing society, (especially if they're within earshot of any university), are invited to honk twice if they think Pluto is still a planet.

And for those who feel inclined to "Save Pluto", please pick up your favorite t-shirt and voice your vexation!

THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T DO YOUR FIRST DAY ON THE JOB

2006-08-23T10:28:00.000-07:00

Or, beware of merry miscreants and munchkin messengers!

By Patience Pantperhog, a typical Taurus who on a good day is self-indulgent, slow-moving, and stubborn, and on a bad day is boring, placid and known to engage in lengthy pondering and procrastination when deprived of cookies and a wind-up alarm clock at her bedside

The world of work is a pretty scary spot to hang out in these days. In fact, the rat race is having difficulty in attracting ripsnorting rodents who are willing to work for peanuts and popcorn.

So, it’s not surprising that employers are keenly aware of the need to offer more perks and pats on the back to a new generation of pesky pests keen on learning how to make mountains out of molehills and how to become the next Titan of Tunnel Vision!

For all those wannabe whippersnappers who want to avoid the rat trap and find the pot of goodies at the end of the rainbow, (while plugged into their cell phones, Blackberries, and laptops), here are a few things you probably shouldn’t do your first day on the job:

Ask for the golden key to the executive washroom and directions to the nearest recycling receptacle for processed tree carcasses and non-violent low-carb fast food.

Demand a security pass or identity card for your pet turtle named, “Beelzebub”.

Record a voice-mail greeting that begins, “You have reached offices of Doom & Gloom, how may we help you today!”

Inquire about peephole policies and what lure to use when fishing off the corporate dock.

Hold a "Crepitation Contest" to break the ice and see who can produce the best Blue Angel (a High-Altitude Flatus Explosion), calicoe, drag, flam, freep, flutterblast, foul fragrance, fundusbreak, gaseous guffaw, involuntary air, mommadaddy, mud-duck, paradiddle, ruff, skillsaw, slider, sphincter song, thunderclap, vulgar vapor or wayward wind.

Burst into tears when you’re not allowed to decorate your cubicle with colorful kiddie cutouts from your favorite book, Captain Underpants.

Pop your head into every nook and cranny with a “Hello, My Name is “Paragon of Positivism”, what’s your handle?

Complain about the lack of a fitness facility with a jungle gym, monkey bars and punching bags.

Invite your colleagues over to your corner of the cube farm for a brown-bag picnic and a quick game of strip poker.

Smack your lips in a lascivious manner and pant profusely when mail is delivered to your desk.

Drop a note in the company’s suggestion box recommending that they replace “Casual Fridays” with “Cross-Dressing Mondays”.

Throw a tantrum upon learning that your modest expense account doesn’t cover chewing gum, Smarties, and red licorice sticks.

Bring your whoopee cushion to work claiming that your doctor prescribed it as an effective ergonomic measure to prevent pain in the posterior.

Whistle while you work, kneel in a Lotus position on your flying carpet, and worship twice daily at your personal shrine dedicated to "Snow White and the Seven Vertically-Challenged, Multiple Personalitied, Involuntarily Undomiciled Male Members of the Mutant Albino Genetic Recessive Global Minority of the Environmentally-Friendly Cottage Dwelling Community with Temporarily Unmet Needs and Objectives".

Oh, and a word of advice…make sure you master the Bureaucratically-Suitable (BS) buzzwords in your industry, otherwise you may find yourself tossed out on your tush with a delightful dog-eared copy of Who Moved My Cheese? in your sweaty little palms.

THE LAST BASTION OF BAWDY LANGUAGE

2006-08-21T10:57:00.000-07:00

Or, why don’t plumbers dump those dirty dangling-modifers!

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, LLD (Learned Leprechaun of Dross & Drivel), publisher of the “Jest-in-Time Technology Journal”, and Dean of Do-This-Do-That at the University of Balderdash & Bumkum in Pahrump, Nevada

Do you know how long plumbing has been around? Since the good old days of Roman gladiators, Lotus-Eaters and Lions, Persian flying carpets, and last but not least, Chinese fortune cookies!

It’s not surprising therefore that more than fifty million web pages are devoted to this ancient skilled trade.

While these professional peepers have been poking our pipes and potties for centuries, you’d have thought they might have cleaned up their leak-filled lexicon by now. But no, to my utter amazement, there is a rather long list of titillating if not tawdry terminology to be found in their testosterone-inspired taps, tubs and toolboxes!

It is indeed surprising that in this era of politically-correct posturing that "The American Hyphen Society" and the "American Gender Society" have not yet seen fit to campaign collectively for the removal of this lascivious language from all professional plumbing publications not to mention their debauchery-inspired discourse on drainage.

Frankly, people around the globe will be forever indebted to the valiant efforts of a little known group called the Politically-Correct Plumbers’ Association. These Lords and Ladies of the Loo are taking the lead in rewriting the “Code of Commode Conduct” to remove all indecently exposed adjectives, suggestive slang, and wanton words from their current glossary of glaring glitches.

If consumers are going to spend millions of hard-earned greenbacks on renovating their bathrooms and kitchens, the least plumbers can do is bleed their bilge-filled buzzwords from their foul-mouthed pipes!

A list of the most notorious if not nefarious nouns and phallically-oriented phrases follows:

“B”
Ballcock, Ball Passage, Balloon Bag, Beam Clamp, Bed Depth, Blowbag, Blowdown, Blowfish

“C”
Clamp Straps, Close Coupled, Close Nipple, Closet Flange, Cock, Cockhole Cover, Concealed Trap, Coupling, Curb Cock Shutoff

“D”
Diaphragm, Diffuser, Dip Tube, Discharge Head, Dope, Double Slipper, Down Head Boring Gimlet, Drip Leg, Drop-In, Duo Valve

“E”
Eccentric Shank, End Body, Energy Guide Label, Exposed Shower, Extinction Pop, Eye of the Impeller

“F”
Female Fitting, Female Side Inlet, Female Threads, FIP (Female Iron Pipe), First Draw, First Hour Delivery, Flapper Flush, Flaring Tool, Flex Coupling, Flexible Connector, Flocculation, Flood Level, Flushball, Flushbushing, Flush Joint, Flushometer, Flush Valves, French Drain

“G”
Gas Cock, Gland, Glove Valve, Grooved Fitting, Ground Joint Union

“H”
Hardness, Head, Head Loss, Heat Trap, Hex Key, Hole Saw, Hold Down

“I”
Insert Fittings

“K”
Knob Handle, Knockout Plug

“L”
Light Duty, Lifting Flames, Lock Nut, Low-Flow

“M”
Male Threads, Manhole, Mini-Widespread, Mission Coupling

“N”
Nipple, Nipple Extractor

“O”
Open Front, Optional Body Spray, Orifice, Overflow Hood

“P”
Packing Nut, Peak Hour Demand, Peak Load Period, Petcock, Pickling, Pipe Dope, Plumber’s Putty, Plunger, Poppet, Potentiometer, Power Snake, Priming Jet, P-Trap, Pull-Out Spray

“R”
Recovery Capacity, Relief Valve, Rim Holes, Riser, Roman Spout, Rough-In, Running Trap

“S”
Sag Pipe, Sanitary Bar, Sanitary Fitting, Saponification, Self-Rimming, Service Entrance, Service Victory, Sight Hole, Sill Cock, Skirted, Slip Joint, Slipper Tub, Soft Flame, Spark Test, Spray Patterns, Spud Nuts, Static Pressure, Static Discharge Head, Straight-Stop, Stub-Out, Stud Guard, Stuffing Box, Submergence, Suction Static Lift, Sweated Connection, Swing Joint

“T”
Tailpiece, Tap Adaptor, Temperature Rise, Test Plug, Thermocouple, Thermopile, Total Discharge Head, Trap Arm, Trap Dip, Trap Nuts, Trap Primer, Trapway, Trenchless, Turbulent Flow

“U”
Under-Mounted, Union Nut, Uni-Flex

“V”
Velocity Head, Volatile

“W”
Washdown Water Closet, Water Hammer, Water Spot, Weak Well, Wellpoint, Wet Vent, Working Pressure

“X”
XH – Extra Heavy, XLG – Extra Long

“Y”
Yellow Tipping, Yoke

“Z”
Zero Soft

Readers who share the concerns of the Politically-Correct Plumbers’ Association are invited to voice their vexations to politically-correct politicians and proper-minded plumbers by choosing the most concupiscent cognomens to be eradicated forthwith. In the meantime, take my humble advice, beware of carnal connations used by water closet wunderkins!

10 THINGS THAT WOULD MAKE GOLF MORE EXCITING

2006-08-18T10:59:00.000-07:00

Or, what’s a little more miscellaneous mayhem on the fairway anyway?

By Samantha Tooting-Beck, a happy hide-and-seek, here-and-thereian with a penchant for Master’s of Slow Play, glow-in-the-dark balls, and eliminating the yips!

There’s only one place on earth where birdies and eagles are welcome…and it’s not “Ducks Unlimited”!

It’s high time something was done to liven up the game of golf! Enough with those snotty-nosed sportsmen and their cajoling caddies!! Frankly, the world could do with a few more wedgies, whiffers, and whooshers!

For the benefit of those who think that knocking tiny dimpled balls into prickly bushes, sandboxes, and hidey holes for hours on end is fun, let’s revisit this godforsaken game.

Here are ten things that would make golf more exciting for novice and seasoned players alike.

Golf attire must include a football helmet, red flannelette long johns, and a pair of snowshoes.
There must be five holes with colorful flags to aim for on each putting green.
Each hole shall serve cocktails, finger food, and enthusiastic applause.
Provision for a hot air balloonist to carry players’ clubs and a scuba diver to fetch lost balls from the bottom of ponds.
Tournament-approved baseballs, beach balls, and billiard balls will be used for a minimum of three holes.
One putting green must be played with nothing but a toothpick and a ping-pong ball.
One hole must be played blindfolded.
At least one hole must be played with a croquet ball and mallet.
For extrications from bunkers or sandtraps, players will be provided with stilts and hockey sticks.
On the 19th hole, award the honorary title, Duke/Duchess of Divots, to those who uproot the most grass per square foot during a round of golf.

Remember, the only place in America where the “handicapped” are welcome is on a golf course!

THINGS FISH THINK ABOUT

2006-08-16T09:10:00.000-07:00

Or, every swank tank has its share of crankbaits and crappies

Compiled by Samantha Tooting-Beck, a happy hide-and-seek here-and-thereian, with a penchant for periwinkles, picaroons, and pleasant prittle prattle.

The following frivolous phrases, in honor of Preposterous Piscatorial Parable Appreciation Month, highlight a wide range of picayune if not piffling things that fish think about as they swim around in their aquarium minding their own business and only occasionally watching the wonky world go by at break-neck speed.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate his armchair angling ability?

If there’s some misbegotten moolah to be made, it’s probably in “phish pharming”.

Don’t ever call me a “bottom sucker”, “bucket mouth” or a “really big lunker” unless you want a fin in your chin!

If you need to fish for compliments, you certainly aren't “The Happy Hooker”!

Believe me, I wouldn’t fall for that hook line and sinker stuff, even if you told me I was the prettiest Pisces in this frigging fish tank!

Look Nemo, if you really want to swim in your birthday suit, try another tank please!

So, what does a wild snail do for a wicked bit of fun in this dazzling denizen of the deep?

"Get a grip" said the Hairy Blenny haughtily, "do I look like “Tony the Tuna” to you?"

“Catch and Release” is one of those silly games fly-fishermen play to fill in time while waiting for Godot to show up and tell them what they should be doing instead.

The sign said, “Gone Fishing”, I only hope it’s not at our end of the tank!

No this fish bed does not come with an 18” coiled box-spring mattress and a 25-year warranty!

If that crankbait is a nightcrawler with attitude, then you must be a hapless hen hawg!

I wish they’d stop talking about water nymphs, wet flies, and bottom bouncers, it gives me the willies!

Yep, that big fish looks mighty strange in them hip-high wet waders.

Who let that Forked Tail Darter into our playpen?

He wondered if the Monkeyface Prickleback was really going to have a gay old time with those Boesemani Rainbows?

"If there’s one thing I can’t abide it’s a blankety-blank, blubbering bubblehead", remarked the King of Salmon as he fished a handkerchief from his pectoral pocket!

Hmmm....those fishnet stockings probably won't do much for that French Grunt.

That flake wouldn't know a plastic plant from the real thing, even if he munched on it!

10 THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT STICK INTO A MOVING FAN

2006-08-15T08:58:00.000-07:00

Or, You Mean There’s Fun in FUNky Science?

Compiled by Samantha Tooting-Beck, a jest-in-time journalist with an interest in the lifestyle of lackadaisical libertines and low-carb lounge lizards with literary pretensions

1. Tasteless cheddar cheese strings. – Now there’s one very a bad wrap if ever there was one!

2. A pork barrel. – Yes siree, a proliferation of patronage positions at its best!

3. A whangdoodle. – Ever seen a "monster mash"?

4. Digitized spam. – A novel way to create a mess in your “out box”.

5. A box of cheap red wine. – You're right, some whiners never do learn how to contain themselves!

6. Vintage Hawaiian shirts. – Why not find a volcano to dispose of them if you must?

7. The lyrics to “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”. – Do we really need to find the lost chord in a bad brew tune?

8. A surplus sacred cow. – Are you sure you know how to milk this karmic creature?

9. Cell phone ring tones. – Frankly, they’re like boisterous boomerangs, especially the gross ones, because they all come back when you least expect them!

10. A white elephant. – You mean someone told you this would eliminate the third world debt problem?

WARNING: Attempting to perform any of the above exotic experiments in shape-shifting may result in a huge hodgepodge at the very least, if not a minor morsel of mayhem.

15 THINGS YOU CAN LEARN FROM A PENCIL

2006-08-08T09:06:00.000-07:00

Or, “He’s definitely not the sharpest one in the box!”

Compiled by Samantha Tooting-Beck, a jest-in-time journalist with an interest in the lifestyle of lackadaisical libertines and low-carb lounge lizards with literary pretensions

1. The pen may be mightier than the sword, but a pencil works just as well in a pinch!

2. Never ask an engineer the size of his favorite tool!

3. There are only three things in Nature that go AWOL: keys, umbrellas, and pencils!

4. “To err is human”, that’s why pencils with erasers were invented.

5. Make sure your words are retractable, even if the lead in your pencil isn’t.

6. ‘Tis better to be long and thin than short and stubby’, (trust me on this one!)

7. Remember, a tree sacrificed its long life so someone’s very weird thoughts and stick man drawings could survive on paper!

8. It’s great for filling in the blanks, (unless of course one’s life is a complete blank!)

9. If you can’t be a “grande artiste”, at least be a doodlebug!

10. If it were not for this humble writing instrument, great musical scores, like “Does your chewing gum lose it’s flavor on the bedpost over night”, would never have seen the light of day nor been hummed blissfully by baby-boomers in morning showers all around the globe.

11. Avoid timid or tentative A-type personalities, especially those who say: “I’ll ‘pencil you in’ for a lunch date next week.”

12. The rejects are crushed into mush and find new life as toilet paper.

13. Some things are not destined to be squished nor to go splat, no matter how hard we try!

14. It’s more fun being a saucy scribe than a sycophantic scribbler.

15. Behind every brilliant bean counter lies a pathetic pencil pusher.

IS BALLET BORING?

2006-08-07T08:39:00.000-07:00

Or, beware of tutus and tights that tip toe through the tulips!

Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, (Ph.D.T.) professor of heavy-duty thinking at the Creative Loafing Institute, with oodles of time on his hands enjoys engaging his cerebellum in anything that captures his fancy (which usually means letting his mind wander where it may or may not, depending on the weather or his daily horoscope whichever comes first)

The much maligned multimedia magazine, “The Mad Megaphone”, recently published a rather intriguing article entitled, “Full of Emptiness”, an exposé on why some beetle-headed, belching Blarney stone adventurists from the ‘Old Country’ and their kissing-cousins from the “New World” consider ballet more than a bit boring.

Clearly the hoity-toity set should take heed. If the powers that be in the entertainment industry are keen on attracting a new audience to replace the declining number of white-heads in attendance, they may well wish to consider making a few changes to the traditional tutu titillation event.

What would make it more exciting, might be a good place to start.

After some pain-staking consumer research into how to improve the artsy-fartsy image of the ballet, here are the top ten suggestions gleaned from far too many focus groups filled with testosterone-challenged teenagers and thirsty thirty-somethings, all of whom are looking for a good time on Saturday night.

1. Stage one or two performances in the buff as the cultured clothing-optional consumer market segment is always looking for a high-profile birthday suit occasion to share their Lady Godiva lifestyle with mainstream society.

2. Invite Jungle Jim, Tarzan, and Jane to showcase their high-flying abilities on vines; besides, it’s a great way to promote why the tropical rainforest is worth saving.

3. Encourage dancers to add lip-sync skills to their repertoire for the benefit of a hard-to-reach market demographic, the hearing impaired.

4. Hire Superman (attired in his usual red cape and blue spandex body suit) to leap over buildings with a single bound; this will give the LOLs and LOMs a new lease on life, not to mention a hopeful escape route from the nursing home.

5. Have Eminem translate all the music into rap, that way everyone can leave their Italian, French, German or Spanish dictionaries at home.

6. Add a lightshow and fireworks to keep the audience on their toes instead of those tired dancers in their pointy-shoes and stockings; you’ll win some brownie points with the government health and safety inspectors…just make sure you keep any combustible materials away from Smokey the Bear & Friends.

7. Allow dancers to sport their latest collection of tattoos and navel rings, a gentle reminder to everyone that ballet does indeed support novelty and “equal opportunity artistic expression”.

8. Permit those confined to the orchestra pit to see the fruits of their labor; this will go a long way to resolving a major stumbling block in the musicians’ union labor contract.

9. Invite “Cirque de soleil” to perform during intermission in order to alleviate rather long lineups outside the two restrooms and bar on the mezzanine floor.

10. And last but not least, let circus animals, like dancing bears, play a few minor roles to keep the tiny tots quiet during the performance.

HOW NOW BROWN COW?

2006-08-06T08:15:00.000-07:00

Or, 10 things a cow thinks about when a farmer milks it.

Compiled by Samantha Tooting-Beck, a jest-in-time journalist with an interest in the lifestyle of lackadaisical libertines and low-carb lounge lizards with literary pretensions

1. According to the "Tao of Cow", "The Sound of Moosic" is make-believe just like the "milk of human kindness".

2. Holy cow I'm glad the “Udder Guys” know how to make a big “Brown Cow”, you know the one with the tail end of a bottle of rum, a few shots of crème de cacao and crème de menthe, plus a large scoop of ice-cream and oodles of chocolate shavings!

3. If I hear “Cowabunga” again…I’m gonna ring the wretched necks of those Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles not to mention that bovine bozo, Bart Simpson, with his “Don’t have a cow, man!”

4. I’m truly impressed with the fact that the pH level of a cow is six and that there are approximately 350 “squirts” in a gallon of milk, but the real question is, when can I make some serious moo-lah for a change?

5. Does anyone really care whether the city of Boston was laid out by cow paths or that Wisconsin is home to the largest number of dairy cows in the USA?...guess it's just a slow news day and someone wants to milk those facts for all they're worth!

6. I read somewhere that Christopher Columbus discovered America, but now folks are saying that he brought along some “Mad Cows” just to keep him company …sounds like just another BSE (“bull shit and excrement”) story to me!

7. Why is the town of Beaver, Oklahoma the “Cow Chip Throwing Capital of the World” and not Cow Yard, Massachusetts?

8. A cow can see color and detect odors up to five miles away - so you might want to think twice about frolicking around in those red longjohns and breaking wind on my back forty!

9. Hmmm….if the average cow stands up and sits down 14 times a day, you’d think someone might at least offer us a reclining chair, a back massage and a good moo-vie!

10. Let’s see…assuming an udderly adorable cash cow like me spends 6 hours a day eating and 8 hours chewing cud, tell me again what’s in it for me if I stop moo-ing?

__________
For those who can't get enough boisterous bovine entertainment, check out "Lucky Cow" comic strip, top cow gifts, and learn how to make a cow puppet just for fun.

10 THINGS YOU WISH PEOPLE WOULD STOP TALKING ABOUT

2006-08-05T10:10:00.000-07:00

Or, what you would banish if you had a big fat wand and a honking grand throne to sit upon?

By Daphne Droitwitch, a double-tongued diva who is used to banging break-teeth words into silly shapes so as to annoy her friends, confuse her adversaries, and amuse herself naturally

1. The weather. Undoubtedly a fascinatingly futile forecast, unless you reside in outer space!

2. The latest shooting star on "American Idol". Forget it - why not serenade your shower partner with your favorite soppy song instead, maybe you'll have a more receptive audience!

3. What your batty/blinking boss or nudnik next-door neighbor/cube farm dweller did or said today. Quit complaining, be creative; send them (anonymously) a nice “Nincompoop Appreciation Award”!

4. Why the world, according to you, isn’t fair? Hmmm, so who appointed you God-for-a-Day pray tell?

5. Who trounced whom in today's tiff, tilt, or tussle? Dragon-slaying is highly over-rated, besides, it's a messy sport so try meditating or finger-painting for a change!

6. Diets. If they weren’t invented in heaven, they haven’t got a hope in hell of working!

7. Kids. Frankly folks, this grown-up game of show and tell is wearing a tad thin!

8. The latest exotic vacation. Unless the person suffered from the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and was bitten by a hungry shark, people truly don't want to hear another tiring tale of glee or gluttony let alone see that doggone digital photo album!

9. A state-of-the-art gadget or gigabyte gizmo acquired by someone who hasn’t got a clue how to operate it, but can’t wait to impress their frigging friends and family!

10. Hobbies, (collecting vintage chewing gum wrappers, designing miniature doll house furniture, or whipping up a zesty cocktail concoction called “Under the Kilt” made from peeled cucumbers, kiwi fruit and a shot of gin all look like far too much work for someone with a penchant for lightweight lollygagging like you!)

A TIME FOR JEST & JOY

2006-07-31T08:56:00.000-07:00

Or, never forget how to enjoy being alive every day!

By Patience Pantperhog, a peripatetic putz with a nose for addlepated adventure, things that make one go “cowabunga!” and people with a spunky and playful spirit who don’t take themselves all that seriously

A recent U.S. statistical report indicated that people typically spend on average 8.5 days per month commuting to work, and 47 hours a year in traffic jams (up from 40 hours a decade earlier). Just one example of the questionable perks in store for those living in modern megalopolis.

While some fret or fume frantically about “spinning their wheels going nowhere fast” in the express lane of life, others like the “creative loafing crowd” don't seem to mind being in the flow (be it fast or slow). In fact, the latter appear to find fun everywhere, even the ones hidden in life's little challenges!

More often than not, the 'take-life-as-it-comes' types usually work well with what they've got in their kit bag, (and you rarely hear them complaining). In fact, they're the ones building those hot lemonade stands when oodles of yellow citrus fruit show up on their front lawns (even if it is the dead of winter in Nebraska or at the North Pole)! Ludicrous lollygaggers can also be found heading out to hardware stores to buy colorful patio umbrellas, long hip waders, or posh pet beds when the local weather forecaster says it's going to rain cats and dogs tomorrow.

So, perhaps there’s a lesson or two to be learned from the “creative loafing crowd”:

1. Live life to the fullest everyday – find something positive in every situation and person you meet, feel your own rhythm, and explore your reason for being here. When in doubt, ask what your favorite cartoon character would do to solve the problem?

2. Discover your true passion and then follow your heart; after all, it’s the only way to experience peace of mind not to mention happiness beyond your wildest dreams. So you wanna be the world's best rocking horse rider, or you have itchy feet and wouldn't mind climbing a pyramid...go for it!

3. Celebrate something every day you're alive – because after all, you’re the hero or heroine of your very own story, so take a little time to honor every accomplishment be it big or small. Put those gold stars and smiley faces whereever you want; and whatever you do don't forget to give yourself and at least one other living thing a big hug every dug...yup that tree trunk will do just fine!

4. Be around fun people whenever you can; their joyful spirit is to known to add just enough levity to life to defy the force of gravity when it really counts. Or appoint yourself as "Guru of Gaffs" for a day just to chase the gloom and glum away!

5. Share your gifts and talents as well as your light and warmth with everyone; be ready to entertain, encourage and comfort them; and last but not least, be open to receiving the precious gifts and treasures that others may have to offer. If "All for one and one for all" is good enough for the Three Musketeers, it's good enough for you!

By the way, every creative loafer knows that fun and frolic can be enjoyed anytime, anywhere. Life is never boring when you smell roses, collect fairy stones, and find four leaf clovers. And remember to smile and keep a stash of lollypops handy to give to strangers whom you'll meet along the way!

WORLD BIRTHDAY SUIT APPRECIATION DAY

2006-07-29T12:52:00.000-07:00

Or, why not celebrate a bit of birthday suit bravado?

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D. (Professor of Happiness & Delight), whose easy-as-pie attitude to life makes him a shoe-in for Dean of Doodling at the Creative Loafing Institute, (dedicated to the long lost art of lingering, lollygagging or just hanging out in a lackadaisical or lounging manner in the company of oneself or other merry-minded folk)

At last count, there were 95,600 websites dedicated to "birthday suits".

Little is known about the origin of "birthday suits" or for that matter their devine designer.

The good news is that no two birthday suits are alike. The bad news is you can't exchange them. All of which brings me to a rivetting conclusion.

What the world needs now is a special day dedicated to honoring the humble birthday suit. After all it's the one which one enters the world with and is obliged to wear for life, whether we like it or not!

While body artists, Lady Godivas and naturists might have a field day with this event, it is likely that prim and proper politicians not to mention prudish pundits fearing a "brouhaha" would boycott this threadbare occasion.

Such an egads event however calls for few tittering taglines just to get things started:

It's never too late to make a birthday suit fashion statement!

If birthday suits come in all colors, shapes and sizes...I'd like stripes!

Double-breasted self-expression -- the key to a brand-name birthday suit!

I just want a birthday suit that doesn't shrink or wrinkle, is that too much to ask?

The naked truth is hard to hide behind if one's in a birthday suit!

Prudish painters know that birthday suits give fig leaves a reason for being.

I'm glad my blessed birthday suit comes drip-dry!

Look if the Great Creator didn't design those birthday suits then who did?

La belle province - Bienvenue aux costumes d'Adam et d'Eve!

It was definitely a cover-up, because birthday suits never go out of style!

L.A. - capital of cosmetically-enhanced birthday suits!

At 90, it's a relief to know that I'll never outgrow my birthday suit!

Are you sure this birthday suit doesn't have any buttons?

Canada - Home to Eager Beavers & 32,569,394 Below-Zero-Rated Birthday Suits!

No I'm sorry ma'am...we can't make alterations to your birthday suit while you wait.

Do bogies & brownies in birthday suits live in "SuperNatural B.C.?"

For Pete's sake...if you can't laugh...at least learn how to dance in your birthday suit!

Brazil - Where Bossa Nova Birthday Suits Play Naturally!

California - Home to Beach Boys, Big Bucks & Way Too Many Birthday Suits!

For those interested in celebrating "World Birthday Suit Appreciation Day"...pick a convenient sunny day, send invitations early, and wait to see who shows up for this day of delight to honor the skin we're in!

OUR CHURCH OF CHINWAGS & CHUCKLES

2006-07-24T12:50:00.000-07:00

Or, "Help Wanted: Ticklish taglines for a tabernacle of titillation"

Patience Pantperhog, a part-time pew-pixy, who's dedicated to finding new ways to save the souls of blasphemous blackberry-users and text-messaging troublemakers.

Pastor Prattle of “Our Church of Chinwags & Chuckles”, (and organizer of the annual “Parade of Lost Souls”), suggested that perhaps this procession of piffle and poppycock needed a bit more pizzazz to attract a younger crowd, (better known in the flavor-of-the-month faith-based community as the 'disaffected dogma consumer market segment’).

Rather than rely on a cast of well-worn WASPS who have great difficulty wiggling their tongues in time to the music, the Pastor suggested perhaps something be done to entice a younger audience to partake of the weekly "Happy Hour" (featuring groovy gospel music, munchies and mocktails).

A Committee of Bright Ideas was struck. However, after witnessing a few bolts of lightening ignite one too many burning bushes, the Committee decided that it was safer to seek input from the public by way of a contest.

So, a classified ad was placed in the local paper: “Cheeky Churchisms Wanted”. Parishioners and passersby were invited to crack a few wishbones and exercise their funnybones by offering suggestions for a new church tagline, (that had to grab the attention of the 'plugged in generation').

Below is a selection of the best tacky taglines received by "Our Church of Chinwags & Chuckles". (WARNING: The sassy snippets submitted may result in excessive giggling or may cause harmful side-effects such shrieking, smirking or snorting, thus undermining the health and well-being of spiritually compromised consumers or vulnerable born-again bible-thumpers. If this is the case, weak-willed worshippers are advised to avoid participating in either the bi-weekly "Chortle Church Challenge" or the monthly "Mirth Marathon").

Miracles happen when you lose your manual, map, and myopic vision!

Remember, God loves skinny dippers - that’s why he invented birthday suits!

Look smarty-pants the sign said “Turn left to Paradise”, so where are all the angels?

I’ve been to Graceland and the Wasteland, so what are you offering?

Fess up, what’s in it for me to change the tunes on my iPod?

Do I look like a “Ring My Chimes” sorta guy to you?

Me…Take The Road Less Travelled…you must be kidding!

We’ve got the babes and boogie boards…whad’ya mean St. Peter can’t find the Pearly Gates Beach Resort!

To download “Jesus Loves Me” ring tones, you’ll need a cell phone ma’am…

You want me to follow that Yellow Brick Road?

Before I take this heavenly journey…does it come with a scenic route and free snacks?

To a man in blue: “You mean there’s a posted speed limit on the Highway to Heaven?”

I’m not going up that creek without a paddle and a prayer thank you!

Heads up, the halos are coming!

Watch your step, sacred cow crossing ahead!

I’d like to sign up for that “Walk on Water Course”.

How to build a stairway to Paradise without bricks or mortar!

You have reached Cloud Nine, please leave your name and number and we'll return your call when spirit moves us!

If God doesn’t fish, play golf, or shoot pool…exactly what does he do with his buds?

Okay, if God can mend a broken heart, why can't he share the winning lottery number with me?

And now a word from our sponsor …(drum roll please)…the “Big Kahuna Tuna”!

Trust me ... My Karma can run over your Dogma in under 10 seconds!

If God doesn’t drink, gamble, play with the angels…or read minds, how come visitors to Vegas always say, “God only knows what got into me”?

Hmmm….going around in eternal circles is not my idea of serenity!

Stay tuned for the next episode of “Parting the Red Sea the Easy Way!”

“Immaculate Conception” -- truly a spotless match made in heaven!

So next time you’re wondering what to do while waiting in line at the supermarket, perhaps you can come up with some snappy one-liners for “Our Church of Chinwags & Chuckles”…the more the merrier!

10 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY MUM

2006-07-03T09:07:00.000-07:00

Or, What Makes Her A Whacky and Wonderful Woman!

By Victoria Elizabeth, the last member a curious Celtic clan whose main claim to fame is clever claptrapping.

Glancing through my Mum's bodacious box of bits and pieces the other day, I came across something she had carefully tucked away as one of many timeless treasures received over the years from family members and friends.

Since the amusing note below was penned by yours truly several years ago, I'm reminded that each day we have on earth is very precious indeed. And, it's never too late to tell your Mum how much she means to you, (especially when it's neither Mother's Day nor her birthday).

So here are just a few of the things I adore about my Mum:

1. She's a magnetic maven - full of wit, wisdom and oodles of charm.

2. Not the superficial type, she loves a juicy philosophical discussion or a political debate, and why not -- especially if she's read all the "Great Books" known to man, and gone to university in the fifth decade of her life!

3. An organizer 'par excellence', she truly shines when entertaining the family clan, the neighbors, the local Mahjong group...and come to think of it...a whole host of visiting firemen over the years.

4. She's one very bright, perceptive and creative soul...who's never at a loss for words, but spelling them...well that's another matter.

5. She's a born money manager and a prudent investor -- besides, I don't know any other chronologically-gifted gal who banks by phone, types her own email, and trades on line!

6. Never boring, she's keen to tell wicked stories, ask provocative questions, and play all manner of games to keep a party going.

7. A kindred sprit of the other world and an avid late-night radio listener, she communicates effortlessly with critters large and small not to mention the invisible folk.

8. She loves all living things be they pesky people, potty plants or precocious pets including her frolicking, four-legged, furry companion named "Ben".

9. Born with a logical mind, a pragmatic spoon in her mouth, and a set of 'house rules'...all she wants are lots of little conundrums to puzzle over plus a few doggone doozies to solve thank you.

10. And last but not least, she can burn toast with the best of them -- but she's the only one I know who'll turn around without missing a beat and tell you, "It's good for your constitution"!

TO MY READERS

2006-06-18T10:11:00.000-07:00

A note from Victoria Elizabeth, aka 'The Quipping Queen', and host of this blog

Please forgive me for not keeping up with the lighter side of life of late.

For the last three months, I’ve been assisting my elderly Mum leave her home for the past twenty years and move into a senior’s residence. It has been both physically and emotionally challenging, symbolic in many respects to embarking on a voyage into uncharted waters that would end tragically but peacefully for her on June 1, 2006.

This has undoubtedly been the most difficult juncture in my life as I am reminded of the untimely death of my only sister twenty years ago in May, the loss of my grandmother fifteen years ago, and the passing of my Dad in hospital seven years ago.

I am however blessed to have the support of a superb son, two wonderful nephews, a very caring aunt, and many thoughtful cousins around me. And, I am also honored to have received the genuine affection of friends and the compassion of complete strangers who have comforted me enormously during this time of transition.

We never know what life has in store for us. And, although the last week spent with my Mum in a Palliative Care Unit brought many tears to my eyes, it was a truly miraculous and timeless moment full of unexpected gifts that none of us could have imagined.

It was through this experience that I learned a valuable life lesson -- that the power of love is always around us if we but surrender to it and trust that it will guide us safely through any unfamiliar terrain. My faith in humanity and my sense of joy in living each and every day to its fullest has been graciously renewed in an incredible way. This lesson gives me much strength and peace of mind as now I embark on the remainder of my own joy-filled if not jocular journey.

Born in Montreal 85 years ago, my mother was a talented artist, an independent-thinker, and a remarkable “grande dame” who couldn’t help but leave an indelibile impression whereever she went. With her faithful 15-year-old canine companion (an American cocker spaniel named “Benjamin”) always at her side, she delighted grandchildren with her ‘house rules’ scrabble games, enjoyed friendly competition with peers at her weekly Mahjong, and simply adored wearing a witch’s hat at Halloween, 'flying by the seat of her pants', and handing out golf balls to smiling ‘trick or treaters’ from the front door of her Salt Spring Island home.

From the bottom of my heart, I thank my dear parents, fond grandparents, and my spunky sister for sharing their lively Celtic spirit of wit and wisdom, not to mention their eternal source of light and love with me during their unforgettable transit on this planet.

SAVE THE COMMITTEE TO SAVE COMMITTEES!

2006-05-12T18:14:00.000-07:00

Or, whom would you nominate for the “Wondrous Waste of Time Award”?

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D. (a pretty happy dude), whose absent-mindedness makes him a shoe-in for Dean of Do-Nothing at the Creative Loafing Institute, (where he practices the art of losing one's train of thought, looking down's one's nose at others, or fulfilling his destiny as a locquacious luminary when he's not otherwise engaged in twiddling his thumbs and contemplating his navel during a proverbial yet piddling if not altogether pointless committee meeting)

This being the “Year of the Canine”, it seems only fitting that recognition should be given to all those who toil tenaciously to become lapdogs, show-dogs and the ever elusive top dogs.

Many attend prestigious institutions of higher learning where they learn the art of how to wag their tongues and tails to impress their masters, receive larger bones and treats, or at least avoid being banished to the doghouse for eternity.

After much to-ing and fro-ing, not to mention a doubtful dose of deep deliberation, “The Save the Committee to Save Committees”, is pleased to announce that twenty oddly named quirky committees have been nominated for the inaugural “Wondrous Waste of Time Award” - sponsored by the “Wassup & Whatchamcallit Society” (WAWS).

This year’s long-winded list of lollygagging lip-laborers include:

Bare Facts Committee

Blame It On The Cucumber Committee

Committee For Being Fluffy

Committee of Wise Men

Committee Overseeing X-Words, Roving Awards, Textually Hilarious Verbiage & Omnipresent Nonsense

Cricket Committee-Playing

Extras of the World Unite Committee

International Swing, Lindy Hop, Jitterbug, Carolina Shag & Hustle Committee

Joint Committee of the Higher Education & Entertainment Communities

Mega Man Robot Naming Committee

Save The Time Squad Committee

Save This Date Committee

The Evolution Control Committee

The Odd Odd Odd Committee

The Pulpit Committee

The Illusion of Safety Committee

The World Flying Disk Ultimate Committee

Unintentionally Hilarious Resources Committee

Urban Homesteading Task Force

WEEE Directive

Readers are encouraged to email, (before December 31, 2006), their choice of committee to receive the first “Wondrous Waste of Time Award”. (NOTE: Additional nominations will be accepted provided our panel of judges can agree on where and when they can meet, plus the all-important issue …what’s on the menu for this special occasion).

10 THINGS NOT TO DO IN THE MONTH OF MAY

2006-05-08T09:31:00.000-07:00

Or, why to avoid dancing around May poles at all costs

By Sherlock Tidpit, a remarkable rumpus room coordinator, and even more importantly, he’s a rule-of-thumb rapscallion with a very skewed assessment of reality (which among other things makes him a very valuable vestigial remnant in the Court of the Quipping Queen)

The fifth month of the Gregorian calendar is to put it mildly a month of spring rites, fertility, flora, and all manner of fauna with a few Maid Marians, Bride Ales (weddings) and fanciful fools thrown in for good measure.

On the other hand, be prepared for the unexpected…after all, Uranus has gone retrograde, garden gnomes have disappeared for some reason, and the weather forecaster says it’s likely to rain cats and dogs for the next thirty days…blame it on El something-or-other.

So without further ado, here’s the list of TEN THINGS NOT TO DO during the month of May:

1. Think you’re “Paul Bunyan” and spend pointless time whacking down lots of trees with a handy-dandy new double-edged stainless steel bladed axe that will undoubtedly put a dent in National Forest Week celebrations and disappoint the fairy folk at the very least.

2. Participate in the “May Games of Robin Hood”, unless one is prepared to challenge a Sagittarian (a.k.a. the archer in astrology), a crossbow competitor named Cupid, or Friar Tuck (founding member of the Blessed Bow & Arrow Brigade).

3. Send a flowerpot, a box of chocolates, and a groveling greeting card to the matriarch who once suckled you; (just brush your teeth, put on a smile and wear your best bib and tucker on “Mother’s Day” …and don’t forget to give her a big hug)!

4. Arrange a rather grand garland out of spring boughs and blossoms (unless of course you enjoy sneezing, wheezing, and watery eyes not to mention engendering the wrath of allergic altercations from your nearest and dearest hay-fevered friends and coughing kissing cousins from who knows where).

5. Accept an invitation to dance around a pole, sit on a throne, or wear a crown of daisies, (unless your name is “Maid Marian” or the “Queen of the May”).

6. Wander into a Wicca festival of fertility (unless perchance you’re prepared to run around in the buff, make offerings to the moon, or find peace and serenity in the power of flowers to soothe one’s harried brow and wrinkled forehead).

7. Befriend a twittering twin known as “Gemini” (whose inquisitive, quick-mind and charming, fickle split-personality not to mention loose lips are usually offset by a large dose of impracticality, irritability, and a rather non-committal nature).

8. Get ticked off at your blinking boss (unless you’ve entered him or her into a new corporate contest called “Go Fly A Kite Day” …to see which super-duper snot can fly their frigging flag the highest)!

9. Say unpleasant things about heffalumps, pink elephants, or garden gnomes; (unless you want every tot in town to throw a tantrum at your front door)!

10. Exceed the speed limit just because you’re all revved up for the Indy 500, you’re late for work as a gas jockey the Wee Willie Winky Pit Stop, or your flat feet are all worn out from running a last place finish in the famed Boston Marathon!

And remember …take heart because if all else fails, surely you can find 31 things you’ve never done in your life before…juggle melons, write a silent symphony, or ride a camel!

WELL AREN'T WE THE "BEE'S KNEES"!

2006-04-23T10:03:00.000-07:00

Or, all there is to know about becoming a self-proclaimed "Queen of Me"

By Victoria Elizabeth, Her Royal Highness, The Quipping Queen and Empress of Eccentricity, from the esteemed Queendom of Quidnuncs, Quirks, and Quaffers

Being a Queen is royal hoot. There’s never a dull moment. In fact every day there’s something to celebrate, so naturally there’s oodles of hoopla, hurrahs and hullabaloos.

In a world weary with worry and work, having any excuse for a party is a good thing. One need not think that one has to have royal blood to be granted the title of "Queen of the Nile", the "Queen of Sheba" or better yet, the "Queen of Everything".

There are plenty of people who for a few shekels would be willing to put a crown on the head of happy homegrown "Beauty Queen", a cross-dressing "Drag Queen", a cosmic "Karma Queen", a magestic "May Queen", a pretty "Prom Queen", or a quaint "Queen of Hearts".

And in the age of “do-it-yourself”, self-proclaimed titles are de rigueur. As a matter of fact, any feisty female can call herself “Queen Bee” if you please. And those 'Freedom-Fifty Floosies' and 'Mavens of Mirth' looking for something to do, well they’ll always find a plush velvet cushion and the title “Queen Mum” awaiting them in the Red Hat Society.

And, last but not least, for those bodacious if not brash babes who can’t qualify as a “Queen for a Day” contestant, they can always wait for their nemeses to give them a moxie moniker like, “Clutter Queen”, “Drama Queen”, “Eat-Your-Heart-Out Queen”, or “Queen of Do-This-Do-That”.

The only real skill or talent required of a Queen is that she knows how to smile, wave, and walk about graciously in little circles. A royal entourage is optional but with those low self-esteem might want to consider hiring a good image consultant, a publicist, not to mention a renowned plastic surgeon. On second thought, forget about boosting your sagging ego -- just follow majestic Maxine's example and "Yell it like it is!" (some fine whine advice from the "Queen of Attitude" herself)!

It also helps if one has an inordinate amount of time on one's hands and lots of fawning family, friends and functionaries who simply adore any excuse to attend a party. The best occasions usually feature some sucky-face schmoozing, a rather fine spread of gluttonous gourmet grub followed by posh pomp and celebratory cirumstance. I hope you enjoy being on the cover of "People Magazine" or the "National Enquirer"!

When not engaged in egregious entertaining and hobby-horse racing, royal duties may also include the handing out of honorary titles to all manner of twittering types. The greatest challenge seems to be keeping a straight face when presenting the Royal Order of Oinkments to the "Contessa of Capers and Catnaps", the “Countess of the Kazoo”, the “Divine Diva of Disorder”, the “Duchess of Diamonds, Dingbats & Doorknobs”, the “Exalted Keeper of Pandora’s Box and the Key to Royal Powder Room”, the “Goddess of Glitch & Glamour Pussies”, the “Governess of Giggle Gatherings”, the “Grand Dame of Decorum & Didn’t I Tell You So”, the “Jest-in-Time Joy-Sticker”, the “Magistratess of Many Hats”, the “Marquesas of Merriment & Music”, the “Priestess of Purple Passion & Plum Plonk”, the “Princess of Pitfalls & Pratfalls”, the “Sisters of Sweet-Tweet”, the “Temptress of Twats & Twaddle”, the “Top-Notch Toy Boy”, the“Viscountess of Vapid Verbosity”, and the most coveted royal rank of all, “Yes-Man of the Year”.

So next time you come across a lady who is wondering what to do on a boring day, why not suggest she use her imagination, bcome mistress of her own dazzling domain as "Queen of the Sofa", "Queen of Shindigs" or at least "Queen of Something Or Other". And, don’t forget to throw a honking great gala on the cockamamie coronation day, (with an engraved invitation hand-delivered to yours truly)!

__________

"The Queen of Everything" by Mary Engelbreit (as seen above), has even inspired a new society of sassy, spunky somethings...so naturally it's called...you guessed it The Queen of Everything Society.

And don't forget to check in with another regal type, "Queen Jaw Jaw" (a.k.a. "Queen of Experiences" and "Queen of Boomer Humor"), and author of "A Funny Thing Happenened On the Way to the Throne".

DOG DITTY DAILY #30

2006-04-19T07:48:00.000-07:00

A Motivational Moment for Misguided Masters & Mutts

By Hugo Hotagen, DDD (Duke of Doorknobs & Doghouses), a loyal lapdog-in-training apprenticed to the affable, agnostic and all-round air-headed Court of the Quipping Queen

In honor of "The Year of the Dog", here are three dog stars you probably didn't know even existed:

Sirius - often known as th,e brightest star in the night sky, is located in the constellation of Canis Major (Big Dog).

The Pup, a white dwarf star and companion of Sirius, is also located in the constellation of Canis Major.

Procyon, is the principal star in the constellation Canis Minor (Little Dog).

And for those who can guess the names of the three canine stars who appear on Hollywood's "Walk of Fame", and the answer is ... "Lassie", "Rin Tin Tin" and "Strongheart". Your prize ... a dog biscuit naturally!

THE LONG-LOST LEXICON OF "E"

2006-04-18T14:47:00.000-07:00

Or, why entertaining elfin words should be used more often

By Samantha Tooting-Beck, not-your-average Cosmo girl, but one with an abiding interest in old or odd words that have been banished from common conversation

The letter "e" (5th letter in the English alphabet), is an easy-going yet eloquent symbol for the third tone of a C-major scale in music, a layer of the ionosphere occurring at about 65 miles (110 km) above the earth's surface capable of reflecting shortwave frequencies, and last but not least, a fate worse than death if it appears on an exam paper or essay denoting an abysmal if not unsatisfactory grade.

Our time-starved culture appears to be adopting some rather bizarre behavior these days involving the asphyxiation of the English language. In the name of enhancing efficiency and increasing productivity, our limited fast-food oriented vocabulary is being reduced even further by reliance on abbreviations, acronyms, buzz-words, jargon and slang not to mention a proliferation of "emoticons" as a way to communicate 'feelings' rapidly to others using email, internet relay chat, and instant messaging technoloy.

Connoisseurs of the "slow food movement" will undoubtedly find solace in the novel "slow communication movement". The latter relies heavily upon reviving long-lost words from the English language and giving them a home in everyday conversation and correspondence.

So, in the interests of honoring the letter "e", here are some wonderful words you may wish to include in your repertoire of rivetting repartee, chortling chit-chat and chug-a-lugging.

ear basher n. a quaint phrase meaning an individual who more often than not is referred to in less than flattering terms as an incredibly dreadful boreearwigging vb. egregious eavesdropping (which is a pre-requisite for namedropping during a networking event or occasion)

eating irons n.pl. a culinary-inspired term meaning eating utensils such as knives, forks and spoons (which are utterly useless when it comes to devouring finger foods, veggie dips or BBQ baby-back ribs)

ectomorphic adj. descriptive of a slender svelt soul who graces the Victoria's Secret runway or occupies the sizzling centrefold pages of a men's magazine

edentulous adj. descriptive of toothless types (who tend to mumble their words when chewing the fat or chin-wagging with chatty-Cathy folks)

eellogofusciouhipoppokunurious adj. a rather torqued tongue-twister used to amaze one’s family, friends or cube farm mates, meaning 'very good'

efftsoons adv. soon after (e.g. efftsoons the eelpouts swam down his alimentary canal, he knew his life as a lounge lizard would never be quite the same)

eggies n.pl. borrowed marbles, (which might be great if they belong to an egghead), but may bring bad luck, especially if they're "snake eyes" (belonging to a venomous viper)

embonpoint n. a pleasingly plump person with a playful personality (as opposed to an ordinary ornery obese oaf)

embroglio n.pl. a confusing or bitterly complicated altercation (usually involving melodramatic mayhems, muddy messes, and one too many monotonous monsters)

engastrimyth n. a ventriloquist (which is terrific occupation if one has a knack for putting words in the mouth of others, or wishes to make dummies look simply dazzling in front of an audience comprised of “yes”-inspired yokels)

equilibrist n. an equal-opportunity tightrope walker or sophisticated scapegoat (which is a convenient socially-responsible asset to have on any well-padded corporate payroll)

eudemon n. a good spirit with an environmentally-friendly, consumer-oriented attitude (such as a member of the endangered extraterrestrial and ephemeral universe be it the "Jolly Green Giant", "The Man From Glad" or Cinderella's "Fairy Godmother")

euphobia n. fear of good news (an ailment which is difficult to treat especially if the patient is glued to CNN or Newsworld 24/7, but may be partially mitigated provided the subject switches permanently to the "Shopping Channel" and has a credit card available at all times)

Eve with the lid on n.pl. the first-known comfort food prepared by the Chief Cook and Bottle-Washer in the Garden of Eden from sun-ripened fruit, (more commonly known as "apple pie")

exegetist n. a wanton windbag (who is capable of exposition and explanation ...of practically anything under the sun at the drop of a hat and a dandy guest to have at a deader-than-a-doornail dinner party)

exosculate v. to kiss heartily (which isn't at all challenging if one possesses pucker power, a pleasing if not pulchritudinous partner, and an excuse other than it’s Valentine’s or Mother’s Day)

May you enjoy these eclectic examples of evocative endearments at your leisure.

DOG DITTY DAILY #29

2006-04-11T10:00:00.000-07:00

Poopoo Creek (British Columbia)
Dog Creek (Manitoba)
Poodiac (New Brunswick)
Nicky's Nose Cove (Newfoundland & Labrador)
Pugwash Junction (Northwest Territories)
Pooch Lake, Pooh Lake, Puppy Lake (Ontario)
Poodles Corner, (Prince Edward Island)
Puppy Lake, Shitagoo Lake (Quebec)

MASTERING THE ART OF IRRELEVANT FAULT-FINDING

2006-04-10T11:41:00.000-07:00

Or, how to do a little damning with faint praise when it counts

By The Right Honorable James Offleyhoo, former Grand-Pooh Bah of the Backside Bench-Warming Bureau, and author of a hugely popular eclectic etiquette guide entitled, “What Color Velvet Cushion Should You Order for Your Next Board Room Chair?”

Climbing the steps to success can sometimes be a tad messy, (which is why I’ve created several absolutely trivial yet tittering things to do along the way).

In a world full of non-stop networking and nebulous name-dropping, it is high time that everyone learns the long-lost art of irrelevant faultfinding to accompany the fatuous flattery that seems to abound everywhere.

After all, nobody is perfect, (even if they do wear a “Superman” t-shirt or a wireless “wonder-bra” beneath their business attire). And, in today’s environment of vapid verbiage, it’s certainly best to follow the KISS principle.

In the interest keeping things short and simple, the best way to support those glib-enhanced, goal-oriented, boardroom-bound, robust rabbits on their rise through the ranks of corporate confabulation is to damn them with faint praise.

Here are a few fine examples of ripsnorting remarks one may wish to drop casually in the ears of those who might consider hiring these pitter-pattering yet prodigious pets.

“George will be a tremendous asset to your management team, when he can find his key to the executive washroom or his hand-held digital device with his “to do” list on it.”
“It has been my pleasure to have known Mary-Beth Flotsom-Jettison since childhood; she’ll make an exceptional executive assistant, (if she’s permitted to run the corporate fitness program consisting of daily dodge-ball games, hopscotch, and kick-the-can.)”
"Peter Paternoster, a hard-working, dedicated customer service coordinator has but one minor faux-pas …telling shaggy dog stories on company time, (which is why he’s affectionately known by his family and friends as “Bite-the-Biscuit”).”
“If there’s one thing that Jessy Jawbone can do it’s make a lasting impression on your bottom line; (and if I recall, she never shied away from taste-testing margaritas and tequilas or dipping her fingers into the anchovies and caviar at our corporate retreats!)”
“Percy Fletch is a far-sighted yet flexible problem-solving civil engineer when it comes to draining swamps, emptying flooded mine shafts, or parting waters in raging rivers for movie audiences; (my only reservation might be, can he fill up my gas tank correctly?")
As my dear mother used to say, when in doubt about what to say about someone, think of it like a meal. “Sprinkle a hint of spice or add a pinch of salt …it’s bound to taste better.”

___________

Note: There are 17,000 web pages dedicated to the notion of "damning with faint praise", for those wishing to pursue this fascinating topic in more detail.

ALL YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT ERGASOPHOBIA

2006-04-08T10:35:00.000-07:00

Or, how come I never heard of that word before?

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D. (a pretty happy dude), whose easy-as-pie attitude to life makes him a shoe-in for Dean of Do-Nothing at the Creative Loafing Institute, (dedicated to the long lost art of lingering, lollygagging or just hanging out in a lackadaisical or lounging manner in the company of oneself or other like-minded folk)

Being an egghead sometimes has its advantages …like having a piece of software or a 1930’s cartoon character named after you, and a place to hang your mortarboard when impressing fanciful first-year college students.

On the other hand, being an egghead conjures up negative images like folks with pithy pointed heads, horned rimmed glasses, and a prominent protuberance pinched between one too many pages of posterity.

So rather than debate the merits of how many fairies are dancing on the head of a pin like many of my esteemed colleagues at the Creative Loafing Institute, I have found that devoting myself to an appreciation of a little known state of affairs called “ergasophobia” to be infinitely more entertaining.

For those niggardly need-to-know types, “ergasophobia” has nothing to do with a popular pastime among tiny tots, macho males in elevators, and a taboo topic at the dinner table -- … the full-bodied and unmuffled release of fetid flatus.

“Ergasophobia” should not be confused with another “e”-inspired form of dis-ease known as “erythrophobia”, (a fear of blushing), or its close cousin, “eremophobia” (fear of being oneself or of loneliness).

Perhaps it’s about time to kill the suspense and just inform everyone just why “ergasophobia” deserves any sort of attention in the great scheme of things.

Those who enjoy snoozing, schlepping about, or sipping on something strong and full-bodied (whatever that may be), will probably have a predisposition towards “ergasophobia”. Likewise, those who have a passion for twiddling their thumbs, tapping their toes, or whistling a witty tune while watching the world go by will undoubtedly be all too familiar with “ergasophobia”.

Worker bees, head honchos, and platitudinous politicians will probably declare "ergasophobia" to be the single-most destructive disease to afflict the 21st century hives of industry and innovation. No less than 15,000 web pages are devoted to this malady more often known by its shirking symptoms, thither and yon thinking processes, or lackadaisical lissome lifestyle that is not conducive to any form of work, (be it physical or mental).

While pill-pushing potentates invest millions in powerful potions designed to put folks to sleep or wake them up, there are many who stubbornly refuse to practice the Protestant work ethic, who throw their “Think & Do” books aside, and with a smile simply toss their “to do” lists, cell-phones, and laptops in the drink.

So, while some may have been labeled by economists, eggheads, and employers as loafers, lollygaggers, or laggards…perhaps these folks something to teach the rest of us. Maybe they have found the best way to spend every moment ...in the joy of being here right now… without fear of the past or the future, and more importantly, a willingness to let go and by doing so -- find their place in the flow of life.

__________

Folks who need to know more about "fears and phobias", please visit the index and search page of World Wide Words; then put your thinking caps on, sharpen your pencils and work your little buns off going through all 15,000 web pages of "fear of work"!

Meanwhile, leisure-inspired lugnuts are advised to let their fingers do the walking over to Dribbleglass, to look at the boffo billboards or see one of the many merry "misinspirationals" (as shown above).

DOG DITTY DAILY #28

2006-04-07T08:48:00.000-07:00

A Motivational Moment for Misguided Masters & Mutts

By Hugo Hotagen, DDD (Duke of Doorknobs & Doghouses), a loyal lapdog-in-training apprenticed to the affable, agnostic and all-round air-headed Court of the Quipping Queen.

Here are mixed bag of movies that have used the word "dog" in the title, in honor of the "The Year of the Dog":

"A Boy And His Dog" (1975)
"A Dog's World" ('Mondo Cane' - Italian, 1961)
"Alpha Dog" (2006)
"Atomic Dog" (2004)
"Black Dog" (1998)
"Citizen Dog" (2004)
"Danny the Dog" (2005)
"Dog Day Afternoon" (1975)
"Dog Days of Summer" (2004)
"Dog Eat Dog" (1964)
"Dog of Flanders" (1997)
"Dog Soldiers" (2002)
"Dracula's Dog" (1978)
"Ghost Dog" (1997)
"Ghost Dog: A Detective Tail" (1951)
"Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai" (1999)
"If...Dog...Rabbit" (1999)
"Love is a Dog From Hell" (1987)
"Mad Dog Glory" (2004)
"Mad Dog Morgan" (1976)
"Mad Dog Time" (1996)
"Man Bites Dog" (1992)
"Must Love Dogs" (2003)
"My Dog Skip" (2000)
"Soccer Dog" (1999)
"The Night I Followed the Dog" (2004)
"The Shaggy Dog" (2006)
"Wag the Dog" (1977)

__________

For those mutt-motivated movie buffs who need to know more than 1,000 interesting movie and TV doggy-inspired stories, check out the Earth's Biggest Movie Database.

And for the "pooch-inspired" palm-powered people, there's always the
VideoHound Database.

IT'S TITILLATING TARTAN DAY!

2006-04-06T09:43:00.000-07:00

Or, Scots do it with kilts if you please

By Theolonius McTavish, a do-it-yourself tartan kilt-maker who’s sat on one too many thistles in his career as a jest-in-time technology expert on what makes Scots tick & talk, do the highland fling, and lick their thumbs to sign their names

Tartan Day is a wonderful occasion to celebrate all things quirky and quaint from the "Land of Bonnie Prince Charlie, Robbie Burns and Rob Roy"…be they kilts (or what lies beneath them), cabers (or why anybody bothers tossing them), and Celtic love knots (how to tie them or how to get out of their nuptial knots in a hurry).

For centuries Scots have been on the rocks. This is not surprising since belting out bawdy ballads on their blessed bagpipes is their national pastime, when they’re not all haggling over who makes the best beef broth, haggis, and porridge.

Being bull-headed seems to come naturally as does beating their chests incessantly while mucking about in the moors and crooning to those old ‘Brigadoon’ tunes. When not hoofing about in the heather, they keep fit by quaffing their daily ration of Scotch whisky and digging themselves out of sand traps on St. Andrews golf course ...just for the heck of it.

However, some might say that their greatest contributions to the treasury of world culture are their get-up-and-go Gaelicisms. A sampling of these obscure if not obtuse expressions follows:

“Ah cannae dae nuthin aboot that hen, ye’ll huv tae talk tae the high heid yins upstairs.”
– “I can’t do anything about that woman, you’ll have to talk to the management team upstairs.”
“An then yer arse fell aff.”
– A colorful expression used to describe someone who is bs-ing you.

“Aye, where’s the Heid Bummer?”
– “So, where’s the Big Dog/Head Honcho/Top Banana?”

“F*** wuv been rummelled!”
- “F*** we’ve been discovered!

“Get aff yer arse yer ault weegie bampot.”
– “Get off your backside you ancient, mildly unhinged person, living west of the River Carron!”

“He’s a right numpty and pie-eater!”
- “He’s a useless soul and a person of low social expectations!”

“His heid’s full ae mince.”
– “His head’s full of nonsense/rubbish.”

“Haud yer wheest, ah’m on the phone.”
- “Pipe Down, I’m on the phone!”

“Man yer feet are howfin.”
– “Man your feet are smelly.”

“Never seen a daft wee zoomer before?”
– “Have you never seen a slightly out-of-touch erratic person with a volatile disposition before?”

“Stuff it up yer juke!”
– “Stuff it up the front of your t-shirt.”

“Yer Maw cares.”
– “Does it look like I give a flying fig about it.”

Tune in next year for more merry musings about the trial and tribulations of color-coordinated Scots on Tartan Day.
__________

And for those who can't get enough of the Scottish vernacular, take a wee peek at the First-Foot Dictionary.

Can't get enough of those titillating tartans?... try this online Tartan Store.

10 THINGS NOT TO DO IN APRIL

2006-04-05T10:37:00.000-07:00

Or, how to enjoy more jocularity

Sherlock Tidpit is a remarkable rumpus-room monitor, and even more impressive, he's a rule-of-thumb rapscallion with a very skewed assessment of reality, (which among other things makes him a very valuable vestigial remnant in the Court of the Quipping Queen).

Does anyone really care about the origin of the fourth month of the Gregorian calendar? Well, mavens and masters of miscellaneous matters certainly do!

This month called “Aprilis”, (from the Latin word “aperire” meaning “to open”) probably has something to do with Pandora’s Box, (...the opening of which on April 1st results in far too many fools coming out to play, and a refusal on the part of governments the world over to declare “April Fools’ Day” a national holiday).

Perhaps starting off on the wrong foot this month, (by putting said foot in one’s mouth or indeed someone else’s), signifies the true meaning of April.

With that in mind, here are ten things that should be avoided at all costs this month.

1. Keeping the company of fools, (as they have a bad habit of falling in love under odd circumstances with very strange people; they also bounce off the walls and blunder about creating havoc just for the fun of it, and last but not least, they rush in where angels fear to tread causing mayhem in the heavenly order of all things great and small).

2. Trying to make timely deposits in to your “Daylight Savings Bank Account", (when you can’t recall if you should move the clock ahead or back one hour).

3. Getting your hands on a jump-for-joy toy so you can join in the “Lava Lamp Day” celebration on April 5th; (…no... a Chia pet, slinky or hoola hoop just won’t do!)

4. Going "hog wild" over a beer called “Moosehead”, (which may spoil the flora and fauna-minded festivities being organized by National Wildlife Societies on April 9th).

5. Howling at the full moon on April 13th; (it may be the “Year of the Dog”, but unless you enjoy living in the doghouse, fetching bones, or barking up the wrong tree for the rest of your doggone life, take my humble advice …just forget!)

6. Harrassing any environmentally-friendly worms, wombats or woodpeckers, (especially on “Earth Day”, April 22nd); hmmm.... so how about some merry mud-slinging or perhaps a bit of mud-wrestling to really get into the spring of things?

7. Entertaining any darling dragons (be they the fire-breathing sort or even those cute little green ones), unless of course you come from Newfoundland and Labrador where they simply adore any excuse for a party, especially on "St. George’s Day", April 23rd).

8. Poaching any Easter Eggs or setting traps for Easter Bunnies, (unless you care to be sued up the ying yang by the sweet treat and toy manufacturing cartel, tarred and feathered by tantrum-throwing tots, or charged by the police and SPCA for wilful cruelty to itty-bitty critters).

9. Telling any jokes about 'civil servants' or Grand Poobahs on "Administrative Professionals Day" - April 26; (you never know when those Big Fish in little ponds may come in handy one day by saving your precious posterior from a fate worse than death…the tax department!)

10. Inquiring as to the whereabouts of a bull when enjoying a spot of tea in a china shop; (while this may tickle the fancy of Taurus types with birthdays this month, do you really want more self-indulgent, slow-moving, stubborn friends in your life?)

__________

For more about those cute green thingamybobs, check out "Mom Can I Have a Dragon?"

TEXT MESSAGE FROM THE BIG BOPPER

2006-04-04T08:45:00.000-07:00

Or, the Big Guru in the Sky has finally learned how to communicate with teens!

Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, (Ph.D.T.), professor of heavy-duty thinking at the Creative Loafing Institute, who enjoys engaging his cerebellum in anything that captures his fancy (which usually means letting his mind wander where it may or may not depending on the weather or his daily horoscope whichever comes first)

The younger generation has managed to master not only challenging tasks like how to install computer software without reading manuals and program the TV/DVD remote control so only they can use it, but also how to use cell phones to text message in an obscure language so adults haven’t got a clue what they’re doing!

Like all new inventions, it seems that the “early early adopters" or pioneers pave the way for the rest of the dweebs to jump on the boat before it's littered with far too many crazy critters. Then again, the real issue may be how long the dottering dweebs take to decide to board the ark before it's too late!

Sometimes technology is not all that it's cracked up to be ...even in heaven. The other day I read somewhere that digitally-driven do-gooders from the Ministry of Magic Musings had just released the first text message communication between the “Big Guru in the Sky” and a cell-phone iPod earthling named "TFH".

GOD: TWIMC N-E-1 ER?
(Translation: To Whom It May Concern. Anyone Here?)

TEXT MSG 1: HI ID10T
(Translation: Hi Idiot)

GOD: XME? HURU?
(Translation: Excuse Me? Who are you?)

TEXT MSG 1: BKA TFH. HURU?
(Translation: Better Known As Thread From Hell. Who are you?)

GOD: YDKM. FWIW TP. BKAG
(Translation: You Don’t Know Me. For What It’s Worth: Team Player. Better Known as God)

TEXT MSG 1: N1
(Translation: Nice One)

GOD: OMG YTTT?
(Translation: Oh My Gosh You Telling The Truth?)

TXT MSG 1: AFAICT IAM PITA
(Translation: As Far As I Can Tell I Am A Pain In the Ass)

GOD: SOHF WUF?
(Translation: Sense of Humor Failure. Where Are You From?)

TXT MSG 1: WG WTSDS WUF?
(Translation: Wicked Grin. Where The Sun Don’t Shine. Where Are You From?)

GOD: NMKOP FYI JADIP
(Translation: Not My Kind of Place. For Your Information Just Another Day in Paradise)

TXT MSG1: YYSSWW A/S/ ?
(Translation: Yeah Yeah Sure Sure Whatever. Age, Sex?)

GOD: BG. WOG. FTL U?
(Translation: Big Grin. Wise Old Guru. Faster Than Light …You?)

TXT MSG1: FYA FTASB
(Translation: For Your Amusement Faster Than a Speeding Bullet.)

GOD: GGN WNOHGB. GOK LYLAB
(Translation: Gotta Go Now Where No One Has Gone Before. God Only Knows Love You Like A Brother)

TXT MSG1: WYS URYY4M SNERT
(Translation: Whatever You Say. You Are Too Wise For Me - Snotty Nosed Egotistical Rotten Teenager)

So next time you want to say something nice to a plugged in member of the younger generation, or communicate with a higher power, remember this six-letter greeting or farewell, “MTFBWY” (May The Force Be With You)!

And if you're luck seems to be running a little thin these days, never forget the awesome acronym "ABITHIWTITB"...A Bird In The Hand Is Worth Two In the Bush!

_________

For those who need a better handle on hand-held device communication, drop by NetLingo.

DOG DITTY DAILY #27

2006-04-02T13:41:00.000-07:00

"Sit happens."

"Dogs inspire biting humor."

"All bark, some bite."

"Delerious dogumentary incurs howls."

___________

In case you didn't catch the name of the mutt movie...wander over to The Four Word Film Review .

For more canine cajolery, check out "The 100 Greatest Dogs of Pop Culture History.

WANTED: COURT JESTERS AND FOOLS!

2006-03-31T10:17:00.000-08:00

Or, …if you hear laughter, you’re definitely not in heaven!

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, PhD (pretty hopeless dingbat) who occupies a place of honor in The Creative Loafing Institute as Dean of Dross & Drollery, and he's also the Occasional Chairperson of the Cheerful Chinwag & Chortle Department (whenever the spirit moves him)

Nearly 121 million web pages are devoted to the humble “fool” with but a mere 7,290,000 dedicated to his opposite, the “wise man”. One might assume therefore that fools outnumber wise men by a ratio of 17 to 1, but one might be wrong.

Considering the fact that in the 13th century court jesters played a vital role in royal affairs, these once indispensable positions died however with the demise of King Charles I in 1649. It seems that Oliver Cromwell’s republican supporters thought it looked like a good idea at the time. Little did they know that when the monarchy was restored eleven years later, regrettably the role of the court jester was not resurrected. (Perhaps that was because a strong belief in God, the Holy Trinity and a surplus of angels was more useful than the frivolous remarks of a fool with a title.)

Today the fool has been relegated to the back of one card in Tarot Card deck. Clearly, there are few opportunities for fools to find their rightful place in a world full of logic, reason, and practical solutions to every problem under the sun.

So just what might a help wanted classified ad for a fool say today?

Help Wanted: A consummate cully who is willing to fall in love with every new product or service on the market, and then part with his or her money easily!

Wanted Immediately: A mirthful person who owns an outfit with bells, is prepared to carry a bladder on a stick if required, and is willing to be the butt of everyone’s jokes as well as provide entertainment spontaneously when called upon to do so by the powers that be if you please.

Exceptional Career Opportunity: A Corporate Jester who’s willing to do the undoable, think the unthinkable, say the unsayable, and last but not least, drive the organization bonkers with oodles of creative folly!

True fools understand that their journey of jocularity demands that they travel light, for they know not where they are going or what they’re supposed to be doing.

By exercising their sense of curiosity, they have no fear of asking silly questions like: “Why is that elephant sitting in the living room?”, “Why is the Emperor wearing no clothes?” or “Who says it can't be done?”

Those with a mission of mirth and merriment know that their only purpose in life is to go out and enjoy the world. For their sole passion is just to see what there is to see and delight in all of it …without any preconceived notions or expectations about anything or anyone.

No need for “fool-proof” plans or fear of looking like a fool; because fools are always true to themselves and their calling! These light-hearted souls enjoy exploring the mysteries of life. And their candor not to mention their creativity in dealing with conundrums make them grateful guests at any grassroots giggle gathering.

So, without further ado: A toast to fools the world over – may they entertain, educate and enliven our journey through life!

A FOOL'S PARADISE IN CANADA?

2006-03-31T06:38:00.000-08:00

Or, if fools rush in where angels fear to tread, then where do they usually hang their hats when they're not falling in love or parting with their money?

By Theolonius McTavish, a jest-in-time news junkie, who spends far too much time seeking pots of gold at the end of rainbows, kissing blinking blarney stones without too much luck, and commiserating over the lack of four-leaf clovers in his field of dreams!

Well, April Fools' Day is drawing near. While "every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day and wisdom consists of not exceeding that limit", April 1st is one day when we can truthfully say that the sky is the limit for playing the fool!

So, what better occasion than now to find out just where all those Canadian class-clowns and comics call home.

A quick glance at a Mirth Map of Canada suggests there may be a whole lot of tomfoolery going on in the following places:

Chin or Community Punch Bowl (Alberta)
Loos or Ta Ta Creek (British Columbia)
Button or Finger (Manitoba)
Dipper Harbour or Five Fingers (New Brunswick)
Cow's Lick or Leading Tickles West (Newfoundland & Labrador)
Thumb's Island (Northwest Territories)
Dingwall or Ecum Secum (Nova Scotia)
Belcher Islands or Zebra Mountain (Nunavut)
Funnybone Lake or Punkeydoodles Corners (Ontario)
Oyster Bed Bridge or Uigg (Prince Edward Island)
Baie des Ha! Ha! or Funny Lake (Quebec)
Limerick or Smuts (Saskatchewan)
Snafu Creek and Snag (Yukon Territories)

On second thought, maybe it's a good idea to stay far away from a "fool's paradise". And if you're not sure where that it is, just follow Will Roger's advice - it's the spot where "everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects."

__________

And for those who need an excuse to flaunt their frippery and feathers, or just enjoy foolish food for thought ...drop by in the evening of April Fools' Day and join the rest of the fools at Ogden Point Cafe (at the Breakwater) in Victoria, BC!

FUNNY FOODIE PHRASES - PART IV

2006-03-30T12:17:00.000-08:00

Or, what brain food have you got on the menu tonight?

By Pierre Buldoo, (former head chef at the “Flash in the Pan” Bistro), and one of those whine and dine types who is quick to find fault with any flavorful filet that misbehaves in front of guests or any beverage that bubbles in such a way as to draw unwarranted attention to itself, thus disturbing what is generally known as ‘genteel chin-wagging’

While casually wading through my favorite bedtime book, “The Glossary of Gluttony & Guzzling”, I realized that no reliance should be placed on appearance, especially when it comes to food.

Indeed, what you see is not necessarily what you get. After all how does one know the state of the ingredients before they’ve been beaten, whipped, or zapped? And, who really knows the state of mind of the cook who prepared those “pickled pigs toes” anyway?

All of this brings me back to page 322 of the glossary, and funny foodie phrases beginning with the letter “d” and concluding with “k”:

D:

deipnophobia (n) a less debilitating social phobia usually referred to as “a fear of dinner conversation”, the remedy for which is usually dining in the comfort of a closet, a cube farm cubicle, or a quick drive-thru fast-food outlet

Democritorte (n.) an ancient emphemeral philosopher who was credited with mixing love draughts incorrectly vexing a good many Greek gods not to mention mere mortals, (who satiated themselves with yummy tummy cakes made with lots of eggs, grated nuts, a a rich frosting designed to boost their sagging spirits)

dew-drink (n.) a draft of beer before breakfast, (popular among those with an aversion to crying over spilt milk and those who think pulp in orange juice is gross)

dicky (n.) slang term for a cock o’ the walk that doesn’t know when to shut up

doggy bag (n.) a pejorative term for the container of leftovers provided by restaurants wishing to satisfy the ever changing desires of frugal lapdogs, parsimonious top-dogs, and thrift-conscious watchdogs who frequent their five star eating establishments

E:

edacious (adj.) craving food or voraciously devouring it in great quantities (usually at weddings, wakes, and workplace retirement parties when someone else is footing the bill)

eelogofusciouhipoppokunurious (adj.) descriptive of a meal …particularly a finger-licking good pizza, (also used as a compliment to a host or hostess when you don’t know whether the pizza has been hand-made, ordered out, or store-bought…as in “My that meal was eelogofusciouhipoppokunurious!")

Eve with the lid on (n.) an unusual culinary expression meaning “apple pie” the way someone’s Mum used to make it in the good old days before frozen pastry, microwaves, and brand-name, easy-to-prepare, pie mixes had been invented

F:

farctate (n.) a state of being stuffed (like a turkey) or filled to the gills (like a puffer fish)

farmyard nuggets (n.pl.) colloquial term for real honest to goodness eggs laid by stress-free, grain-fed, range-free hens with happy dispositions and prodigious capabilities

fleshpot (n.pl.) a place that provides lusty little tidbits, (confirming the fact that the only way to win a man's heart is through his tummy)

fletcherize (vb.) to chew or masticate a morsel of food at least 30 times to make it digestible, as in “Fletcherize this you fool…I’ve had enough of your tough tortes for one day!”

foot-ale (n.) ale bought by a person entering a new job to those who are already employed; this is also known affectionately as “networking” or “paying one’s dues”

G:

glister of fish hooks (n.) a glass of Irish whisky (commonly consumed by irreverent imps, lewd leprechauns, and whimsical wee folk who live in trees if you please)

glop (n.) a thick semi-liquid food or mixture of foods that is said to be mushy, tasteless, or unappetizing in appearance (usually prepared by young children or bored bachelors who use “hungry man’s helper” to disguise the contents of the meal )

goblocks (n.) large mouthfuls of food (that usually suggest that the consumer is hungry, happy, or perhaps just hates to see good food go to waste on someone else’s plate)

gormandizer (n.) one who devours food in a gluttonous manner; one who binges, eats to excess as in, “he/she eats like a pig”; the opposite of “he/she eats like a bird or a fly”

groak (vb.) to stare at someone who is eating food in the hopes of being tossed some leftovers; often referred to as the “uninvited house guest” or the salivating pooch at the end of the table

H:

hare soup (n.) a rather saucy soup with a reputation for exciting desire among Mad Hatters and Bunny Club members

hassenpfeffer (n) a well-seasoned rabbit stew (with lots of pepper that when combined with an unexpected “hachoo” leaves a mouthful of bunnkins spattered all over the dinner table)

hop toad (n.) a strong liquor that compels one to hop about incessantly or croak unexpectedly

hygrophobia (n.) a fear of liquids (especially the kind you can’t consume or swim in)

I:

ick wit (n.) pejorative term for a tasteless tongue-twister

ingluvious (adj.) gluttonous as in “What an ingenious if not ingluvious manner of devouring Dictionnaire erotique, a Latin-French dictionary of delicate but delightful diversions published in Paris in 1885.”

J:

jejunator (n.) a person who fasts (when he’s not promoting the slow-food movement)

jentacular (n.) pertaining to the first meal of the day (that for some is a little less than spectacular, unless one gets a real kick out of eating weight-watcher wabbit stuff)

jowfair (n.) an event that does not occur despite a good deal of planning (probably having something to do with Murphy’s Law or “the best laid plans of mice and men”)

jowter (n.) a person who sells fish (because he hates jousting for a living)

K:

kalling (n.) a form of fortune-telling based on what variety of cabbage a blind-folded individual selects; one who follows a coleslaw calling

kickshaw (n.) a tidbit or delicacy (consisting of at least 5,000 calories that one gets a kick out of eating, especially in front of anyone consuming a lean-cuisine meal)

kreatophagia (n.) the eating of raw meat (which usually goes down better with several shots of “Beefeater” gin)

And if perchance these words of wit and wonk leave you feeling a tad woozy, fear not. Relief is close at hand in the form of something that Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus (a.k.a. Claudius I - Emporer of Rome) was known to have said.

Apparently the ruler of Rome had a fondness for food, thinking nothing of inviting 600 or more licentious lollygaggers over for a meal of wine, women and song. While flatulence was prohibited in public during the first century AD, Claudius seriously considered "an edict to legitimize the breaking of wind at table, either silently or noisily."

Thankfully democracy prevails in some countries today, and we can do whatever we please with our volatile vapours. Some people may however pay a heavier price than others for being part of the animal kingdom. We may have won the right to "pig out", but we're still trying to come up with how to solve the problem of errant 'sliders', and the occasional whiff of wayward vulgar wind).

___________

For those who need to verify the veracity of the Roman Emporer's words..., pick up a copy of Gaius Suetonius Tranquillus. The Twelve Caesars.

DOG DITTY DAILY #26

2006-03-29T08:47:00.000-08:00

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."
"If you want to be Top-Dog, you've got to get off the porch."
"When you're in deep water the best thing to do is shut your mouth."

__________

For those who need a little tough but tender truism today from a top-dog ... just tune into Zelda Wisdom.

Created by Carol Gardner, the "Zeldom Wisdom" GGGRRRUUUFFF greeting card line and merry mutt merchandise, is certain a well-deserved bark of distinction"!

POOCH-FRIENDLY PLACES?

2006-03-27T10:10:00.000-08:00

Or, is that a beautiful biscuit and bow-wow welcome sign up ahead?

By Theolonius McTavish, a canine-friendly Celt, who wouldn’t be able to distinguish between a Schnauzer and a Shih-Tzu, or a Scapegrace and a Scaramouche

Canada is that big blank spot on a map occupying half of a continent called North America.

This sprawling country is inhabited by far too many wild critters, (better known as eager beavers, ugly moose, and well-fed guano-producing gulls). On the plus side, it’s also home to a surplus of crapping canines, (also known to be “man’s best friend” unless one is on the receiving end of a bloodhound, pit-bull or a rottweiler).

So, why the big interest in mutts you might ask? Well, 2006 has been dubbed “The Year of the Dog” by all those who ascribe to a zany zodiac full of animals with special powers be they pigs, roosters, rams etc.

All of this leads to exactly where are the most pooch-friendly places in this homeland of hockey pucks and 24-hour a day donut and coffee shops for sleep-deprived wage slaves?

A road map is as good a place as any to get started. And judging from the place names, perhaps at least a handful might offer a biscuit, a blanket, or comfy canine quarters:

Alberta:
Driftpile, Freedom, Grassland, Ma-Me-O Beach, Seven Persons, and Wander River.

British Columbia:
Anarchist Mountain, Horsefly, Likely, Poopoo Creek, Resplendent Mountain, Sandspit, Skookumchuck, Spuzzum, Tranquille, Yak, Youbou, Zero Lake, Zeus Glacier, and Zippermouth Lake

Manitoba:
Bird, BirdTail, Boggy Creak, Cooks Creek, Dog Creek, Eden, Nonsuch, Red Sucker Lake, and Sandy Hook

New Brunswick:
Bath, Poodiac and Utopia Lake

Newfoundland & Labrador:
Billy Butts Pond, Comfort Cove, Exploits River, Flowers Cove, Fortune, Fox Roost, Funk Lake, Happy Adventure, Happy Valley-Goose Bay, Hare Bay, Hearts Content, Hearts Delight, Heart’s Desire, Jerry's Nose, Lawn, Mouse Island, Nameless Cove, Nicky’s Nose Cove, Old Room, Paradise, Tickle Cove, and Wild Bight

Northwest Territories:
The Ramparts

Nova Scotia:
Coddle Harbour, Lapland, Mink Cove, Mushaboom, Old Sweat, Pugwash, and Sackville

Nunavut:
Zebra Mountain and Zigzag Island

Ontario:
Bath, Bruce Beach, Carp, Dummer, Funnybone Lake, Happyland, Honey Harbour, Lively, Nowhere Island, Oldmans Pocket, Pickle Lake, Pooch Lake, Pooh Lake, Punkeydoodles Corners, Puppy Lake, Sucker Creek, Tiny, Turkey Point and Wawa

Prince Edward Island:
Crapaud, Knutsford, Old Harry, and Whim Road

Quebec:
Funny Lake, Grande-Entrée, Ham North, Shitagoo Lake, Yarm, Zaza Lake, and Zip Lake

Saskatchewan:
Carrot River, Chicken, Choiceland, Grizzly Bear’s Head, Little Bone, Love, Lucky Lake, Moose Jaw, and Yellow Grass

Yukon Territories:
Flat Top, Good Neighbour Peak, Snafu Creek, and Welcome Mountain

__________

Frankly, after re-reading this, I’m almost tempted to go out and create a miscellaneous mutt-friendly map of places to take your favorite Fido or Fifi. Just take a snapshot of the welcome sign posted and let me know if they really do fling their doors wide open for your wet-nosed, four-legged, tail-wagging friends!

What, you haven't got a clue about the "Year of the Dog"? Then better find out more about what's in store for these furry-critters.

And in case you’re wondering whether they have “pooch-friendly” places in the ‘Old Country’, you’ll be glad to know “Church Stretton" in South Shropshire has won the “top-dog” prize in the U.K.

And for those who can’t get enough of those Shih-Tzu snapshots, here are some more.

FEAST OF FOOLS WELCOMES YOU!

2006-03-26T08:03:00.000-08:00

Or, where do all the grand gigglers gather on April 1st every year?

By Theolonius McTavish, a jocular jest-in-time journalist, and professional party tosser who never needs an excuse to dress up and act the part of a fool, fop or fonkin!

April Fools’ Day is one of those days that seems to be highly under-rated by the makers of guffaw-inspired greeting cards, mirth merchandisers and a host of party planners.

Being a Celt whose kissed more than a few Blarney stones in his day, I know a good party when I see one. And, I wouldn’t miss the opportunity to celebrate April Fools’ Day in Canada’s capital of granola-gardeners and grinning gargoyles here in Victoria, B.C.

While the capital of British Columbia takes pride in counting its blooming blossoms every spring, (and reminding the rest of the country what they’re missing by not living in Lotusland), the City oddly enough does keep a few frivolous facts under wraps, perhaps for very good reason.

Visitors to Victoria probably aren’t even aware of a little known fact that the city is a vortex of vintage vixens (nearly three waggish women for every mild-mannered male), and that it is also home to a large covey of witty Wiccans, goddesses of giggle, not to mention Priestesses of Puckery.

Lest macho and metrosexual men of merriment feel left out of this festivity, there is no need to fret or be fit to be tied! April Fools’ Day attracts a diverse group of equal-opportunity fun and frolicking friends who love to get dressed up in foolish attire, tickle their funnybones, plus play with words, food, music as well as other odds and ends.

This year Victoria’s very own Creative Loafing Institute will be organizing a delightful “do-it-yourself drollery event in honor of the inner imp in everyone” (better known as the "FEAST OF FOOLS") at Ogden Point Café, (199 Dallas Road, near the Breakwater), from 5 to 8 p.m. on Saturday, April 1st.

Fannie Fortunata, Coordinator of Cut-and-Paste at the Creative Loafing Institute, assures us that “this occasion will appeal to ‘fools who fall in love’, ‘fool-proof systems analysts’, and those who can’t resist rushing into places ‘where wise men never go and angels fear to tread.”

The Manager of Malapropisms & Merry-Meals at Ogden Point Café, “Dick Danger”, is putting on his best blinking bib and tucker and arranging a sassy spread for this entertaining evening of good cheer designed to whet the whistle and appetite of every finger-licking fop, flop, and fool in town!

This event is free! So haul out the most outrageous costume you can find in your closet, rummage around for some jolly jokes to exchange, or just bring along a sample or two of your creative contributions. The latter may include such things as doodles, drawings, loopy limericks, tacky tricks, mangled music, etc. to share with other muddleheaded munchkins on April Fools’ Day!

And should you ever doubt the wisdom of a day devoted to the humble fool in all us, never forget the words of Mark Twain, “Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.”

___________

The Creative Loafing Institute, is a fully-accredited addlepated amusement centre, (certified by the Ministry of Casual Lollygagging & Loopy Lifestyles), that will appeal to anyone who can do any of the following in no particular order: twiddle their thumbs, wiggle their ears, hum tiddly pum (or wink inconspicuously).

In case you're wondering, the fine fool who graces us with his appearance on this page is the witty work of Victoria, B.C. artist, Jack Cooper!

For those who aren't sure if they have a funnybone or have never consumed any foolish food for thought, perhaps they should get their hands on this crazy claymation comedy, "Feast of Fools".
And for those nincompoops and ninnyheads who need to brush up on their wacky wordpeckering before the event, why not take a peek at "The Foolish Dictionary Online".

DOG DITTY DAILY #25

2006-03-25T07:22:00.000-08:00

A Motivational Moment for Misguided Masters & Mutts

By Hugo Hotagen, DDD (Duke of Doorknobs & Doghouses), a loyal lapdog-in-training apprenticed to the affable, agnostic and all-round air-headed Court of the Quipping Queen.

Here is a piffling piece of pooch poetry in honor of the "Year of the Dog":

"Now lapdogs give themselves the rousing shake,
And sleepless lovers, just at twelve, awake:"

(Alexander Pope, 18th century British poet, from his celebrated work - The Rape of the Lock)

___________

For those who don't know a thing about "hotdogs", "lapdogs" and "watchdogs", please consult Webster's Online Dictionary under the heading of "dogs" for all you ever wanted to know about these marvellous mutts.

And for those who need to get their hands on The Little Book of Big Lapdogs, drop by Ultimutt.com.

ODE TO ODD BOOK TITLES

2006-03-24T07:40:00.000-08:00

Or, in praise of droll diversions that grace the covers of diatribes and dross

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, a blushing bookworm who doesn’t give a tinker’s damn about reading rhymes but nevertheless is tantalized by titillating titles that tickle the fancy of readers (with incredibly short attention spans, a dislike of mind-bending exercises, and a desire to expand their Little Loo Library holdings at minimal cost)

It has been said that one can never judge a book by its cover. However, it would appear that the jolly jackets adorning some recently published materials might well invite a second glance, even by a casual browser of bookshelves or a bleary-eyed bibliophile.

While authors wait with bated breath for the announcement of prominent literary awards such as the “Booker” or “Pulitzer” Prize, few if any buy a rabbit’s foot, kiss the Blarney stone, or cross their fingers in the hope of receiving “The Diagram Prize for the Oddest Title of the Year", (sponsored by the UK-based trade journal, “The Bookseller”).

Since 1998, many lost if not altogether forgotten authors have been surprised to learn the existence of such an award let alone the fact that they have earned a prestigious place in what some might term “the annals of the inane”.

First prize for the oddest book title of 2005 went to: People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What To Do About It.

Frankly, it was a close call as judges spent many weeks sipping weak tea and sometimes something stronger just to keep them awake. The winner apparently had some stiff competition from other egregiously quaint if not endearingly quirky titles including: The Art and Craft of Pounding Flowers: No Paint, No Ink, Just a Hammer!, Ancient Starch Research, Fancy Coffins To Make Yourself, and Tea Bag Folding.

For the benefit of some blessed bookworms who might have fallen asleep and missed out on the previous winners of witless wonk, here is a selection you may wish to acquire:

Bombproof Your Horse
Designing High-Performance Stiffened Structures
Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice
Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian Personality
How to Avoid Huge Ships, 227 Secrets Your Snake Wants You to Know
Celtic Sex Magic: For Couples, Groups and Solitary Practitioners,
Hot Topics in Urology
The Joy of Chickens
The Theory of Lengthwise Rolling

Now whatever you do, grab some paper, sharpen your pencils, and don't forget the eraser so you can get busy on coming up with next year's nifty nincompoop book title. And if you don't walk away with "The Diagram Prize" fear not. I'll be offering a brand new award called "The Doorknob Trophy" -- for the longest book title ever devised by devoted dingbats and diatribists!

____________

For those interested in more witty wordpeckering, why not take a peak at Tony Augarde's "Wordplay" articles appearing in a wonderfully entertaining online compendium called "Oxfordshire Limited Edition".

DOG DITTY DAILY #24

2006-03-23T09:10:00.000-08:00

"And in that town a dog was found,
As many dogs there be,
Both mongrel, puppy, whelp and hound,
And curs of low degree."
(Oliver Goldsmith, 18th Century Irish playwright, witty poet, and entertaining essayist from his celebrated work entitled, "Elegy on the Death of a Mad Dog")

"Ours is a mongrel language which started with a child's vocabulary of three hundred words, and now consists of two hundred and twenty-five thousand; the whole lot, with the exception of the original and legitimate three hundred, borrowed, stolen, smouched from every unwatched language under the sun, the spelling of each individual word of the lot locating the source of the theft and preserving the memory of the revered crime." (Mark Twain's Autobiography)

"A book is like a man -- clever and dull, brave and cowardly, beautiful and ugly. For every flowering thought there will be a page like a wet and mangy mongrel, ..." (John Steinbeck, 20th century American writer and novelist)

__________

An American journalist by the name of Harry Esty, (born in Syracuse, New York in 1889), wrote about a mangy mutt called "Nibbie" in his book entitled, "Some Nonsense About a Dog".

For those who can't abide dog-eared books, perhaps they can quit complaining and check more of these Mark Twain quotations.

And speaking of "mongrels"...here's a whack of wicked information about this word which hails from the old Latin term "mixticius", and Amazon.com notes that the noun "mongrel" is searched for 34 times a day on their English-language book site, while the term ranks 36,835 in a list of approximately 700,000 words in the English language.

15 ODD PLACES TO VISIT BEFORE EXPIRING

2006-03-21T17:47:00.001-08:00

Or, how come these far-flung places aren’t in any tourist brochures?

By Theolonius McTavish, a tartan-loving tippler with a very full kit and caboodle just waiting for an opportunity to practice my pig-Latin on unsuspecting aliens from outerspace; (where else do you suppose cosmic crash-landing critters might come from?)

Having visited umpteen unbecoming if not a tad un-English pubs in my lifetime, it’s high time I make preparations to visit some far-flung places that do not appear in those lovely glossy-colored tourist brochures beckoning buffoons like me to a bug-infested beach somewhere with the only saving grace being lots of free mouth-watering margaritas!

Pray tell why aren’t the following fifteen far-flung and perhaps fly-by-night places not on the tip of every tourist’s tongue? Perhaps it may have something to do with the fact that few who venture a visit to these vapid vortexes of vitality return in good health or in good spirits.

Suffice to say that I’ve decided to put them on my “to-do” list of places to visit before I expire.

1. Bight of Biafra/Bonny - a lost little piece of landscape on the coast of Africa and tantalizing trivial pursuit question to pose during a long lull in a deathly boring dinner-table conversation which happens rarely in America, as no one is ever at home at the same or they’re all watching wretched wrestling on TV!

2. Funafuti - sounds like a fun-filled spot until you find out it’s an atoll in the Pacific where some like to lob things that usually blow up and cause an unsightly mess.

3. Gippsland - a dazzling domain of dirt in Australia that is home to the world’s largest earthworms, up to 12 feet in length, for those curious non-metric types.

4. Glittertind - no it’s not the home of a quaint casino in Nevada, but an 8,110 ft. (2472 m.) molehill in Norway, probably inhabited by more than a few testy trolls if I'm not mistaken.

5. Great Dismal Swamp - another languishing landmark that lies somewhere between the American states of Virginia and North Carolina, that even the alligators appear to avoid for fear of getting bogged down in the muck with no one nearby to throw a life-raft, a tree frog or even a humble animal cracker!

6. Grossglockner - well if you think it’s a place full of folks with big beaks and long necks, you’d be wrong, it’s a mountain (12,457 ft. or 3797 m) in south west Austria that welcomes abominable people of snow not to mention the odd yodeler or two.

7. Ifni - a sp"if"fy spot in southern Morocco …but who knows if it’s really there or not ...it’s been a pretty “iffy” place to visit unless that is you would care to ride a bad-tempered camel, brave a few sandstorms and grind your teeth for entertainment.

8. Lolland - an almost forgotten island in the Baltic sea whose Danish inhabitants have probably never heard of lollipops or lollygaggers, but they know The King of the Elves if they can ever get their hands on this elusive extraterrestrial being.

9. Macgillicuddy’s Reeks - you might think it was a place full of foul-smelling fish folk but you’d be wrong, it’s the highest mountain in the Land of Leprechauns and Dermot of the Love-Spot.

10. Powys - may be called the "Paradise of Wales" but unless you fancy a bit of cricket, fencing, or quoiting and happen to speak their delightful dialect, you may not find your way to a popular three-star watering hole named, "Llanfihnangel-Yng-Ngwfyna" (where they know how to celebrate every sporting success in style)!

11. Pukapuka – a sparsely populated and isolated atoll in the Cook Islands whose residents do not play peek-a-boo with the palm trees; (this vital fact was overlooked in the writings of a 1930’s anthropologist named Ernest Beaglehole).

12. South Uist – one of two islands of the Outer Hebrides whose only claim to fame is an old test range for rockets circa 1953 and an eye-sore called, “Eynort”.

13. Tittybong - not a passion pit, it’s an out-of-the-way place along with others such as Eweylamartup, Jiggalong, Mullumbimby, and Toowoomba found in the Land of Oz.

14. Zagazig – is unlikely to see any mass-tourism until its main attraction “Bubastis” is put back together again (an Egyptian version of Humpty-Dumpty), although if truth be told these ancient ruins reflect a rather ripsnorting record as the center of the largest annual orgy of all the Eastern Mediterrean in the 5th Century B.C, (according to Herodotus who stated that some 700,000 gathered for a very festive wine and women taste-testing event, usually glossed over in tour guide books).

15. Yap – a Micronesian island of the Carolines (located in the Western Pacific Ocean), is known for its quaint inhabitants who prefer to trade in American green backs rather than ancient stone money known as Fé, but if you don’t speak Ulithian or Woleaian and don’t scuba dive this probably won’t be a warm and fuzzy place you'll remember with much fondness.

__________

Here are a few more place names to keep in mind for your next whirlwind tour of the world before you meet the "Big Bopper in the Sky"!

DOG DITTY DAILY #23

2006-03-20T11:33:00.001-08:00

Five things I learned from my dog:

1. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

2. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you've had enough.

3. If what you want lies buried, dig deep until you find it!

4. Run, romp and wiggle your tail daily.

5. Never pass up the opportunity for a joy ride.

__________

By the way, here's a great source of pooch posters and scallywag signs to keep everyone begging for more!

And for basset-hound owners who need their own parking permit, try this one out!

FUNNY FOODIE PHRASES - Part III

2006-03-19T11:36:00.000-08:00

Or, are you sure we are what we eat?

By Pierre Buldoo, a cock-a-leekie cook who spends his spare time collecting cute cock-and-bull stories not to mention curious culinary expressions that may be useful to impress those hard-to-please cock-a-hoop folks from out of town or visiting firemen with oodles of time on their hands and no place to go

While glancing through the “Glossary of Gluttony & Guzzling” the other day, I came upon some weird and wonderful words beginning with the letter "c" that deserve a special spot on any platter of puckery.

So, when eat out next time at a fine restaurant with primp and proper guests, please feel free to sprinkle these sumptuous syllables about to warm the cockles of the heart belonging to your dinner companions and snooty service personnel.

cachinnate (v.) to laugh loudly at the sight of funny-looking food or funny-fingered folks trying to eat lobster tail in a delicate manner (so as not to attract unwarranted attention)

cagmag (n.) a tough old goose, or simply inferior food of any kind (often found in places whose reputations proceed them such as ‘greasy spoons’ or ‘holes in the wall’)

cancatervate (v.) to heap humungous amounts of pasta into a pile in the middle of one’s plate (in order to have more room to plop the “alfredo” or spicy tomato sauce)

cannikin (n.) a small can or drinking vessel (filled with whatever tickles one’s fancy) that fits inconspicuously in purse, pack sack or jacket pocket

cap-à-pie (adv.) meaning ‘from head to foot’, consistent with the behavior of one who prefers to put a foot rather than finger food in his/her mouth at cocktail parties

caperberry (n.) bears no relation to the “crackleberry”, but in ancient times it was sad that the berry of the caper plan was considered a strong aphrodisiac for those who are tired of tantric exercises or little blue pick-me-up pills

capernoited (adj.) descriptive of a slightly inebriated, soused or tipsy guest whom you probably never should have invited for a meal, (even if it is your best buddy or bemusing boss)

cardoon (n.) no ...it’s not a party pooper, a wet blanket, or a popcorn-consuming bridge-player but rather a prickly plant akin to an artichoke whose fleshy inner leaves are often eaten as an aphrodisiac, especially in the land of lovers (France)

carminative (adj.) descriptive of bacterial buildup that induces the expulsion of "vulgar winds" (better known as "rogue volatiles" such as "blue angels", "freeps" or "sliders") from the intestine caused by the ingestion of lovely legumes or lactose foods

carnophobia (n.) a fear of meat particularly, “hot dogs” or “pigs-in-a-blanket”

carpophageous (adj.) fruit-eating, (popular among happy hippy peach pit folks and groovy grape or granola types living in California or the Gulf Islands of B.C.)

cenatorial (adj.) pertaining to dinner or supper as in “George eagerly looked forward to joining his closest cenatorial companions, (a six-foot tall white rabbit named “Harry” and a horizontally-challenged elephant with a blue tusk called “Boo Hoo”), for some gristle and grog at a nearby pub.”

cepivorous (adj.) onion-eating, (a great hobby for those who hate hobnobbing)

chalybeat (n.) archaic term for beer consumed by chilly willies and chinwaggers

chankings (n.) morsels of a half-masticated meal that fall out of one’s mouth quite by accident, or bits of food that are intentionally abandoned or rejected (after having been chewed or chomped upon and deposited unobtrusively on the corner of one’s plate)

chthonopagia (n.) excessive consumption of dirt, (synonymous with too much hearth and home…so how blasting off from the “Mother Ship” for a night out with those blessed “Beastie Boys”?)

chug-a-lug (v.) to consume the entire contents of a beverage container without stopping for air while seated on a bar stool of some sort, (accompanied by that well known tippling tune sung by one’s blotto buddies, “Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall”)

Cissa, aka cittosis (n.) an acute craving or abnormal desire for strange foods during pregnancy, (that fortunately afflicts only half of humanity, more or less)

cleptobiosis(n.): a condition known as fleshpot thievery, food foraging without a permit, grub grabbing when no one’s looking, sustenance stealing involving the plunder of edible provisions without permission; (not recommended for formal occasions)

coddling (n.) a small immature green cooking apple; (they’re often of more use in a great game at Halloween involving having them bob about in a bucket of water while asking one’s guests to bite into them without making a mess of one’s dining room table)

codswallop (n.) unadulterated nonsense that’s best shared among friends on April Fool’s Day

Cold Duck (n.) a cheap blend of sparkling burgundy and domestic champagne that’s often used to impress an amatory acquaintance

coshering (n.) the prerogative of a feudal lord entitling him to lodging and a meal at the expense of others, (today we might call this individual a meal moocher who takes advantage of a relative, friend, colleague or employee’s hospitality once too often)

costermonger (n.) a street vendor or “hawker” who sells fish, fruits, vegetables and other comestibles from a cart (that probably did not pass the latest safety inspection by the Motor Vehicle Branch but whose owner is a member in good standing of the goody-two-shoes guild who supplies fresh ingredients to the chef in your favorite restaurant)

crackleberries (n.pl.) what those Downunder Aussies love to eat, better known as eggs

crapulous (adj.) given to gluttony, over-eating, or a similar condition known as being “sick by intemperance” (requiring an extra large bib and a wallet full of credit cards)

creophagist (n.) a carnivore or meat-eater who can’t stand the sight of carbohydrates

cribble (n.) course flour or meal, that when mixed with water makes superb glue; (v.) to sift or to pass through a sieve (hopefully this removes all the nits or bits of things one hasn’t a clue how they got in there in the first place)

cucurbitaceous: resembling a cucumber or squash (a real tongue-twister to pull out of your triva treasure chest during particularly long pauses in dinner conversation among dreadfully boring dinner companions at a wit-challenged wedding or retirement party)

cuckoo-ale (n.) a hops beverage consumed out of doors by agricultural laborers amidst much mirth and jollity celebrating the sound of the first cuckoo birds returning in springtime

Cuttle-Fish (n.) a piscatorial ingredient in love potions reputed to have been used by thaumaturgist Apuleius, who lived in the second century A.D. and is said to have prepared it in order to win the affections of a wink and blink widow

____________

For those who like to eat and feed on more unusual words, do drop by The Phrontistery .

DOG DITTY DAILY #22

2006-03-17T09:13:00.000-08:00

Or, how about a delightful doggy biscuit to celebrate St. Patrick's Day!

A Motivational Moment for Misguided Masters & Mutts by Hugo Hotagen, DDD (Duke of Doorknobs & Doghouses), a loyal lapdog-in-training apprenticed to the affable, agnostic and all-round air-headed Court of the Quipping Queen.

Here are a few quaint if not quintessenial quotations by one very interesting if not irreverent Irish icon in honor of the "Year of the Dog":

"I like a bit of mongrel myself, whether it's a man or a dog, they're the best for everyday." (George Bernard Shaw)

"Life on board a pleasure steamer violates every moral and physical condition of healthy life except fresh air... . It is a guzzling, lounging, gambling, dog's life. The only alternative excitment is irritability." (George Bernard Shaw)

"If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman's pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog." (George Bernard Shaw)

___________

There are 565,000 web pages devoted to"green dog". Ahem, it isn't easy being one.

So, whether you're looking for The Green Dog: A Mostly True Story, a color-coordinated emerald green posh pillow for your lime-green mutt or a clean green dog loo ....you'll probably find it on the Internet ...along with a pair of dog print cotton pj's for girls and toddlers.

And speaking of green dog biscuits, why not try some!

SAY THAT AGAIN?

2006-03-14T10:44:00.000-08:00

Or, words that sound naughty but really aren’t…

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D. (a Pontificatingly happy Dork), whose vocation consists of sitting on a velvet cushion (provided by the University of the Addleheaded & Absurd) and expounding upon all manner of miscellaneous material, including words that sound lewd or lusty but are perfectly innocuous if one only knew the meaning.

A casual glance through a dictionary is to some a chore, while to others, it is a source of good cheer not to mention several chortles in what might have otherwise been a very boring day.

Those who have a passion for peachy keen words as I do will appreciate the buffet of buffoonery that exists between the pages of the Concise Oxford, Funk & Wagnalls, or Merriam Webster’s version of all things English.

Here is a saucy sample of words that may inspire a second look:

blowsabella (n.) no, it is not one of those transparent tight t-shirts or see-through blouses worn by happy hippies and flower children but rather a rare expression meaning a red-faced wench or a female whose hair is disheveled (before hair-spray had been invented)

chirogymnast (n.) ahem…it’s not a breath-taking boudoir bouncer, it is a mechanical contraption used to exercise a pianist’s fingers…which is probably the origin of a quaint yet quintessential definition of a piano player …“one who enjoys tinckling the ivories” (hmmm...maybe it's 'tickling' them?)

doatee (v.) much as the word might mean a devoted admirer or a swooning sweetheart, it is an old English verb meaning to node the head when asleep whilst one is sitting up possibly in a church, but today more likely it is in front of the TV (a.k.a. boob tube)

lixiviate (v.) no it has nothing to do with receiving a tiny taste of something called "titillating tongue-lashings", but involves a most intricate series of scientific steps involving the extraction of a soluble constituent from a solid mixture by washing or percolation, (now doesn't that warm the cockles of your heart today?)

nude contract (n.pl.) no this is not an contract stipulating the terms and conditions of a clothing-optional T.V. weather forecaster, but rather an ancient English legal expression meaning “without consideration, “where no action can arise”

nugatory (adj.) this is not a pit stop for naughty-navel gazers on their way to purgatory; rather, it is an eight-letter word meaning trifling, inconsequential or inoperative, (a word that comes in hand when describing a small snafu like why a machine went caput and how the operating manual went missing along with fine fellow who knows how to fix it in a jiffy)

peelo (n.) some suggest the word is an ancient Anglo Saxon term meaning “effluent”; Finnish folk say it means a “net cretin” or “telecommunications dweeb”, while the Irish have claimed that it as a slang expression meaning “glum” or “morose-looking”

peeper (n.) it might be easy to jump to the conclusion that a peeper is nothing but a venturous voyeur with a pair of opera glasses, in point of fact, it is a variety of tailless amphibians (such as a tree frog or spring peeper) known to make shrill riveting sounds causing insomnia among the late-night caper crowd or tryst-minded tea-for-two types

peever (n.) not to be confused with a pesky peek-a-boo player on a losing streak, this six-letter word means a stone used in a popular children’s game known as ‘hopscotch’

peewit (n.) while some may believe this word is a slang expression meaning an ill-behaved or incontinent nitwit, it is actually a bird…from the lapwing (not lap-dancing) family

sexagenarian (n.) – no it’s not a euphemism for Don Juan, Casanova or Matahari, nor is it a chronologically-gifted gentleman who has a penchant for pinching posteriors…rather, it refers to a member of the human race in the sixth decade of life on a planet called “Earth”

tantrels (n.) while it might be nice to think that this term has something to do with young ladies sunning themselves on a beach somewhere with utter abandon, this antiquarian word means idle people with no fixed address or full-time job with good fringe benefits

underhung (adj.) it has nothing do with the position of one’s private parts in a pair of spandex shorts during a particularly awkward movement of an exhausting yoga routine; it is an old English term meaning a person whose lower jaw projects more than is customary

Stay tune for more miscellaneous mirth from the pages of your favorite dictionary.

DOG DITTY DAILY #21

2006-03-12T08:18:00.000-08:00

"Let sleeping dogs lie." (English proverb)

"Do not disturb the sleeping dog." "Non stuzzicare il can che dorme." (Allexandro Allegri)

"It is nought good a sleeping hound wake." (Geoffrey Chaucer)

__________

Here's a great opportunity for you pet pals to enjoy a bit of doggy doowop, and show off your dogbone applause after playing the "Sleeping Dog Game" http://www.tequestadistrict.org/PDF/CubRoundApril2005.pdf

DOG DITTY DAILY #20

2006-03-11T07:49:00.000-08:00

"Near this spot are deposited the remains of one who possessed Beauty without Vanity, Strength without Insolence, Courage without Ferocity, and all the Vitues of Man, without his Vices. This Praise, which would be unmeaning Flattery if inscribed over human ashes, is but a just tribute to the Memory of Boatswain, a Dog." (George Gordon, Lord Byron, Inscription on the Monument of a Newfoundland Dog.)

__________

And speaking of delightful daring dogs and their ong-haired stories, why not take a peek at a remake of an old film, "The Shaggy Dog" http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/shaggydog/

DOG DITTY DAILY #19

2006-03-10T09:44:00.000-08:00

"Wise dogs don't bark." (Author unknown)

"Wise dogs smile, you know."
(The Wizard's Tears, Maxine Kumin and Anne Sexton, 1975)

"It's a wise dog that obeys its own master." (Proverb)

"It's a wise dog that scratches its own fleas." (Proverb)

___________

Speaking of chronologically-gifted clever canines (or hounds with heaps of horse-sense), why not mosey on over and check out "Wise Dog Cards" at http://wisedogcards.com/

By the way, who'd a thought that dudes and damsels trying to dodge doggy doo doo would have inspired the unforgettable "I heart New York" (logo)? Hmmm...read about what this top-dog graphic designer responsible for this indelible icon has to say: http://www.believermag.com/issues/200309/?read=interview_glaser

FUNNY FOODIE PHRASES - Part II

2006-03-09T08:43:00.000-08:00

Or, amusing ambrosia for addlepated Adams’ apple lovers

By Pierre Buldoo, a smashing short-order cook at the Carpet Knight Cafe, who spends his spare time collecting curious culinary expressions that may be useful in filling a boring breach in one of those long, awkward, pregnant pauses that often occur during a dazzlingly drab dinnertable conversation in a hoity-toity restaurant whose name you can't pronounce and a maitre d' who takes pride in exhibiting an appalling display of faux French

Culinary consumption has long been known as the best way to enhance one's girth not to mention ensure one has an indubitably good time.

So to get in the spirit of scrumptious sauciness and shameless scuttlebutt, I have produced below a short list of funny foodie phrases beginning with the letter "B", (designed to whet the appetite or whistle whichever comes first).

barathrum (n.) a person with an insatiable appetite like a bottomless pit

basil (n.) an aromatic plant used by wily women as a love charm; also known for its therapeutic qualities and said to help the deficiency of Venus

batrachophagous (adj.) descriptive of one who indulges in delicacies like frogs or toads

Batrachophobia (n.) a fear of amphibious vertebrates such as frogs or toads (whether alive, pan-fried, or pickled)

beasts of venery (n.pl.) the hart, hind, hare, boar and wolf (in other words red-blooded wild things better left in the woods with Little Red Riding Hood and her grandmother)

bedabble (vb.) to wet or soil by dabbling (as in fingering foods without a pair of gloves)

belly-pinched (adv.) starved sumptuous sustenance types, (i.e. hungry-as-a-horse folk without a horse of course)

belly-rack (n.) the art of gormandizing, i.e. stretching the belly or gut from excess food and boasting about such feats to one's feckless friends

Bête noire (n.) commonly called a bugbear; (as in a person or thing to be avoided because it tends to turn one’s tummy into a topsy-turvy state and being called a ‘party pooper’)

biltong (n.) South African expression meaning jerked meat, (i.e. not your average netherparts, from the word “bil” – buttock + “tong” – tongue)

Bird Nest Soup (n.) an aphrodisiac Chinese culinary preparation that leaves ladle lovers a bit “bird-brained” after the first course

bizarrerie (n.) any portion of menu that is odd, eccentric, or highly unusual (such as dromedary drumsticks, fricasseed angel wings, or a tantalizing tidbit of toasted tripe)

bleezed (adv.) denotes the change in one’s countenance following the consumption of far too much alcohol at a wake, a wedding, or a workplace retirement party

blind tiger (n.) a pretty potty place (that sells a wide selection of intoxicants illegally)

blinked beer (n.) sour, weak (bad) beer that may result in belching and “belly-vengeance” among lounge lizards

bloated (adj.) descriptive of an obnoxiously vain gut (that suffers from too much gourmet gluttony, grubbing good times, or gratuitous grab-bagging)

BlOnD GiRaFfe (n.) a boisterous bit of beefsteak served to folks with big chompers, long necks, and fat wallets

blotto (n.) a delirious state of mind induced by the immoderate ingestion of several barrels of beer, a basket of rather bold burgundy, or a case of very bad spirits

blue-plate (adj.) descriptive of the main course on a mild-mannered menu that comes with measly morsels of meat, a portion of insipid wimpy veggies, served with cold tasteless gravy and a simpering sprig of last week’s parsley (on special from the local farmer’s market)

bonnyclabber (n.) sour milk that has become thickened (not great for the old British dessert standby of milk pudding, or its American counterpart, the ice-cream soda)

bouffage (n.) a satisfying meal usually involving the consumption of meat, especially hamburgers (i.e. eating in a greedy manner by filling one’s mouth and making one’s cheeks swell excessively to impress one’s dinner companions or rude relatives)

brizzle (vb.) to burn slightly, singe, or scorch (a “must” have skill for any backyard barbecue enthusiast)

Broad Bean Soup (n.) a light meal consumed daily by Italians for its amatory virtues

Buttermilk Bath (n.) an exceptional anti-aphrodisiac said to repel ripsnorting amatory challenges (by coating the consumer in the buttermilk of a she-buffalo)

__________

For those who can't get enough gourmet giraffes and guffaws, please consider visiting one of may favorite watering holes and wicked eateries in Key West, Florida - the "BlOnD GiRaFfe" (see photo above).

DOG DITTY DAILY #18

2006-03-08T08:44:00.000-08:00

"Each of us must journey through the dogs, beyond the dots, and to the truth, alone." (The Mouse and His Child, Russell Hoban, 1967).

___________

For those who'd rather send their pooches packing to a 'ruff ruff retreat' rather than "journey through their dogs", here's one place pooches will feel quite at home - "The Bed and Biscuit" - http://www.bedandbiscuit.com/dogvacations.htm .

A ZEST FOR JEST!

2006-03-07T12:53:00.000-08:00

Or, the joy of jocularity

By Susan Snitterby, a creative loafing consultant with an incredibly large kit bag and caboodle not to mention far too many aces and jacks up her sleeve to count

I am reminded today of an amusing answer to life's little challenges and exactly what to do while you're waiting for the Tooth Fairy, the Great Pumpkin or the Man From Glad to solve them:

“Poetry and Hums aren’t things which you get, they’re things which get you. And all you can do is to go where they find you.”[1]

Speaking of where to go to find the good times, maybe all we have to do is enjoy the power of puck and play wherever we are. After all, human beings are the only crazy creatures who truly appreciate the value of a tee hee or perhaps oodles of hums to relieve a mess of stress.

Want to find a ho-ho or a hum? All you need to do is wash your worries away and hang them out to dry. If that doesn't work, then consider becoming a “Master of Mirth” or “Mistress of Merriment”.

First things first! Follow these steps to reach a state of serenity and serendipity:

Toss your To-Do list for the day.
Lose your laptop.
Shut off your cell phone.
Bury your Blackberry or pitch your Palm Pilot!
Unplug your user-friendly diversionary devices: i-Pod, videogame, radio, or TV.

Second, shift gears …into a lower one if you please, (at least for the next 24 hours):

Send all your “shoulds” packing.
Quit the need to compete or to control anyone or anything.
Vamoose all signs of vanity or victimhood.
Banish the blame game.
Give your attitude some latitude!

And, last but not least, tune in to your "inner child" …you know, the one who’s never allowed to come out and play! It’s time to welcome your “inner imp” back into your life! Time to discover, explore or tickle your funnybone before it’s too late! So, whatever you do:

Eat your favorite funky food or comfort comestible …peanut butter and jam sandwiches, 12 flavors of ice-cream, or whatever whets your appetite!
Visit the video store and rent a funny flick or two.
Check out a belly-laughing book from the library – don’t forget to take a peek at the kid’s section!
Create a new name for yourself – a mirthful moniker, a haw-haw handle, or a titillating title because you deserve it!
Rummage through your wardrobe closet – time to get dressed-up in something really outrageous – mismatched socks or shoes, gaudy tie, and vintage sack dress or Hawaiian t-shirt!
Find a pencil and paper because now you’re going to do that self-portrait, stick-person, or just color outside the lines!
Sing your favorite nursery rhymes in the shower, bang a few kitchen pots, or hum a tune on a comb…good golly -- it's Miss Molly and Mr. Beau Jangles!
Grab the scissors, glue pot, and old magazines or newspapers – yup it’s crazy collage time again!
Get some glee in your whee …find a pack of playing cards somewhere and build a house of cards - then blow it down; flip pennies; play hop-scotch; or just wiggle your ears or raise your eyebrows!
If you meet anyone, and feel the need for a chortle or a chinwag – trying practicing your Pig-Latin, or if you prefer…just invent your own loopy language!

Enjoy yourself … and may the farce be with you for now and ever more!

__________

[1] The House at Pooh Corner, A.A. Milne, 1928.

DOG DITTY DAILY #17

2006-03-07T09:11:00.000-08:00

"Don't keep a dog and bark yourself." (Proverb)

"Many dogs can understand almost every word humans say, while humans seldom learn to recognize more than half a dozen barks, if that." (The 101 Dalmations, Dodie Smith, 1957)

___________

Speaking of canine communication, faux paws, and poo-poo-ing the other pooches, one t-p manufacturing company is calling upon 'man's best friend' to assist in the toilet training of tiny tots ... http://www.cottonelle.com/products/kids.asp

For those who can't get enough "paws for inspiration", why not rent a great giggle film, "The Paw Paws", a merry medley of mooching mates such as 'Princess Paw Paw', 'Aunt Pruney Paw' and 'Pu Pooch' http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0283769/

DOG DITTY DAILY #16

2006-03-04T08:13:00.000-08:00

"Black Dog" (Led Zeppelin)
"Dog Breath" (Frank Zappa)
"Der Deitcher's Dog" (Public domain, composer unknown)
"Hair of the Dog" (Guns N'roses)
"Hound Dog" (Elvis Presley)
"How Come My Dog Don't Bark (When You Come Around)? (Dr. John)
"How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me? (Mel Tillis)
"Me And You And A Dog Named Boo" (Kent Lavoie)
"Oh Where Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone" (Public domain, composer unknown)
"Old Dog Tray" (Jerry Ernst)
"Pavlov's Dog" (MP3 - composer unknown)
"Puppy Dog Song" (Christopher Kavi Carbone)
"Salty Dog Blues" (Elvin Rooks & the Blue Grass Ramblers)
"Sick As a Dog" (Aerosmith)
"Stray Dog Strut" (Cowboy Bebop)
"Walking the Dog" (Rufus Thomas)
"Wanna Be A Dog?"(Barry Louis Polisar)
"Wrong Side Dog" (Linda Book)

__________

Trivia buffs will be pleased to know that there are only 6,650,000 web pages devoted to dog song titles.

There's no shortage of musicians with doggy monikers: "Big Yellow Dog", "Bonzo Dog Band", "Dog Eat Dogs", "Hound Dog Taylor", "Temple of the Dog", and "Three Dog Night".

And, in case you're wondering what a "Wrong Side Dog" looks like, you can fill your boots with all you ever wanted to know about this fascinating furry critter at: http://www.mp3tunes.com/album_details.php?album_id=25101.

FUNNY FOODIE PHRASES - Part I

2006-03-03T10:14:00.000-08:00

Or, how to play with your food for thought

By Pierre Buldoo, a smashing short-order cook at the Carpet Knight Cafe, who spends his spare time collecting curious culinary expressions that may be useful in filling a boring breach in one of those long, awkward, pregnant pauses that often occur during a dazzlingly drab dinnertable conversation in a hoity-toity restaurant whose name you can't pronounce and a maitre d' who takes pride in exhibiting an appalling display of faux French

Whilst I enjoy flipping burgers, toasting buns, and drenching french fries, my true passion is devoted to discovering quaint culinary expressions that put the zest and zing into so many bland seasonings.

For those who appreciate a little more logic in the ludicrous side of life, I have summarized below a selection of saucy sustenance, beginning with the letter "A" in the English alphabet.

abracadabra (n.) a magical charm or incantation that a chef uses on all meals before they leave the kitchen (in the hope that he/she will receive oodles of compliments from guests)

abstemious (adj.) descriptive of one who rarely indulges in food or drink, but may on occasion resort to telling off-color jokes if it’s a slow night or the meal is unappetizing

abligurition (n.) excessive or prodigious expenditures on food or alcohol, designed to impress the heck out of those whose measure success is equated with all manner of stuff, (that makes most folks sick to death with all that food for thought)

Acorus Calamus (n.) an aromatic herb, known in the Middle Ages as “Sweet Flag”, while in ancient Rome it was associated with erotic practices and called "Venus’ plant"

accubation (n.) the practice of eating or drinking while in a prone position (which is really great if one is reclined on a King-size bed or atop an air mattress in a pool but a tad trying if one is in a full-service dining room not wishing to attract any undue attention from nearby guests)

acerophobia (n.) a fear of not enjoying the fruit of the vine; descriptive of one who suffers from sourpuss syndrome

al dente (adj.) anything that tickles the teeth, tongue or tastebuds, as in lightly cooked enough to retain a somewhat firm texture

alliaceous (adj.) smelling like garlic or onions, (which is not advisable if one is planning on a night of poetic perfumery, voluptuous verse, and tinkling trinkets)

Almond Soup (n.) a sumptuous meal whose ingredients include powdered almonds, egg yolks, chicken stock and cream; known to induce a feeling of militant well-being

alliumphobia (n.) a fear of bad-smelling bulbous bits like chives, garlic, leeks, onions, and shallots

a load of cod’s wallop (n.pl.) a catchy colloquial expression meaning half-baked balderdash or nothing but blinking bunkum

amatory cooking (n.pl.) culinary preparations reputed to have aphrodisiac virtues include: aubergine (eggplant), apple/pear/pineapple fritters, beef or chicken curry, cheese soup, egg omelette, milk pudding, onion soup, oyster stew, and soft herring roe

ambergris (n.) a waxy substance found floating in or on the shores of tropical waters, believed to be the secretion in the intestines of the sperm whale used in cooking as an aphrodisiac; French courtiers of the seventeenth century customarily nibbled on chocolates covered with ambergris

anchovies (n.pl.) gastronomically appealing small Mediterranean fish resembling herring used as an amatory appetizer, or lust-provoking little garnish

anacardic (n.) pertaining to a cashew nut, (which is a tasty tippling teaser served with premium-priced low carb imported pale ales or lightly chilled micro-brewed beers)

Anacreontic (adj.) descriptive of an amatory-themed, convivial-toned drinking song or light lyric used to accompany poor pub grub or to impress a new barstool acquaintance

anadipsia (n.) abnormal or excessive thirst, usually from eating too many peanuts, cashew nuts, and potato chips or just hanging around far too many salty sea dogs

analeptic diet (n.pl.) all food of easy and quick digestion that avoids fatiguing the gastric organs, stimulates the central nervous system, and promotes the secretion of virile semen; it is said that males who adopt such culinary delights become well suited to make the sacrifices required of a dashing Don Juan, a cavorting Cupid, or a Casanova of carnal-knowledge

anserine (adj.) of or resembling a goose, gooselike; avoid goose-stepping, giving anyone goose-bumps or cooking someone else’s goose, unless you’re prepared for a few unintended consequences…which can sometimes be a tad messy

Aphrodisiac Cakes (n.pl.) ancient form of pastry made in the shape of the pudenda muliebria and offered as a token of affection during divine sacrificial rituals; popular among Teutonic baking aficionados

arachibutyrophobia (n.) a fear of peanut butter; which means you should at all costs avoid being seated in the peanut gallery in a classy café as it may be a hazard to your health

arachnivorous (adj.) descriptive of one who enjoys eating insects, especially spiders, (preferably with a pinch of salt or chocolate covered with a warm caramel glaze)

arm and a leg (n.pl.) an exorbitant price paid for a measly meal that probably will not entice a partner’s endearing invitation to see any fetching etchings this evening

Artemisia (n.) Named after the Greek moon goddess often portrayed as a virgin huntress, this genus of aromatic plants includes such nifty notables as ‘wormwood’ and ‘mugwort’, classic condiments in amatory cooking

artichoke (n.) a tall thistle-like herb, whose edible parts are the fleshy bases of the leaves; widely consumed in France, it is said to induce a state of euphoria and pleasant relaxation that is often a precursor to encounters of the canoodling variety

aubergine (n.) eggplant, (which when mixed with a paste made of flour, water, boiled tree bark, peppercorns, chives, pimentos and vanilla beans, is said to be a popular tropical love potion)

Australorp (n.) black domestic fowl developed by the Aussies; valued for egg production but probably would qualify as a “finger-licking good” or fine fricassee entrée

avulse (v.) to pluck …as in cherries from a bowl or feathers from a chicken, (for those who enjoy an affordable, do-it-yourself modest main course or healthy dessert)

ayahuasca (n.) an hallucinogenic beverage made from a South American vine, which probably shouldn’t be consumed unless one is a shaman, a soothsayer, or a spin doctor

__________

One of my favorite funny foodie books is, The Ravenous Muse: A Table of Dark and Comic Contents - A Bacchanal of Books, by Karen Elizabeth Gordon. (For more details, see reviews by epicurean eccentrics at AMAZON.COM http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/067941861X/sr=8-1/qid=1141494486/ref=sr_1_1/104-1999651-7493561?%5Fencoding=UTF8 . Now there's a wicked word wench if ever there was one!

See interview with the Karen Elizabeth Gordon regarding her paradoxical pieces of puffery and prose at: http://www.beatrice.com/interviews/kegordon/

DOG DITTY DAILY #15

2006-03-02T08:34:00.000-08:00

“Is your dog’s breath worse than his bite?” (Anonymous)

“As second reading speeches go, it was probably the most dog’s breath of a speech I ever heard.” (Remark made in New South Wales – Australia - Legislative Council Hansard Full Day Transcript, 3 June 1985).

__________

Speaking of “dog’s breath”, there are some 13,600 web pages devoted to this topic.

The best place to find out more about the “hair of the dog” among other animal idioms and expressions is "The Dog Hause" at http://www.doghause.com/idioms3.asp

The fact of the matter is that this year you’re far more likely to run into someone wearing a “Dog’s Breath Lounge & Poker Room” t-shirt than someone wearing the “cat’s pajamas”! http://www.crazyshirts.com/detail.cfm?sku=1050680&dept=004. On the other hand, beware of biffy-loving bar-stool beagles!

There are several brands of beer that sport such names as “Dog’s Breath Porter”, “Dog’s Breath Brown Ale”, and “Dog’s Breath Bitter” – “Ale with an attitude!” And, if you need a bit of mood music to go along with your hound-dog halitosis, you might want to listen to "Dog Breath" by Frank Zappa!

If you’re in the mood for puttering about or picking up some prehistoric paraphernalia, perhaps one of the best spots to find your heavenly heart’s desire is at “Dog’s Breath Antiques” in Saanichton, (on the outskirts of Victoria, British Columbia, Canada).

And last but not least, New Scientist magazine reported in its March 12, 2005 issue that an American food giant by the name of "Proctor & Gamble" has filed a patent (2004/47925) for a brand new bow-bow meal that offers pooches longer and healthier lives with the help of a magic ingredient called "garlic". Several grams of this grand gastronomic giddy-up-and-go-getter food additive will keep these hounds healthy for who knows how long. (No doubt the company will also be coming out with a mellifluous mutt mouthwash shortly, in case the dogs dig into too many garlic cloves at one sitting.) http://www.newscientist.com/backpage.ns?id=mg18524902.800

PITH & PIFFLE

2006-03-01T08:37:00.000-08:00

Or, why did you write this brazen book on buffoonery anyway?

By Penelope Bonkles, a jaunty journalist and jest-in-time jitterbugger with an insatiable thirst for bubbly beverages and breathtaking bits of wonk that wiggle waggishly.

The following is a brief interview with Peter Poffleyend, (author of what has been called by many revered reviewers as undoubtedly “the worst-selling how-to book in North America” titled, “Pith & Piffle – All You Ever Need to Know About Something That You Had No Idea That You Ever Wanted In The First Place – Or How to Be Happy Without A Plan, Proceed Successfully In the Absence of A Process, or Arrive at A Destination That Bears No Resemblance to the Pretty Picture You Had In Mind In The First Place.”).

Q: What possessed you to write what some have termed a “nonsensical narrative”?

A: Well, I was walking along the beach one day minding my own business (and casually looking for fairy stones to give to a few of my far-out friends), when suddenly a seagull by the name of Jonathan flew fancifully over my head and let a load of guano go. That was a sure sign from the cosmos that I needed to bless the bird, freshen up, and kick-start my own kismet!

Q: And have you found your destiny yet?

A: Why yes, I’ve learned there’s no point in waiting for Godot or someone else to light a fire under your tail, or give you a map, compass and a GPS to find the proverbial Holy Grail. In fact, writing this book taught me a lot about life – that people will buy almost anything as long as the balderdash, bafflegab and bunkum comes nicely wrapped with a welcome back coupon entitling them to a 10% discount off their next purchase.

Q: What can readers expect to find between the pages of your pocketbook?

A: Well for starters, I point out where to find goofs, gadflies, and guffaw-lovers just like them. And if you need umpteen more reasons why to buy this practical pocketbook on “Pith & Piffle” here they are: (1) Why you need to walk the path of pomp and puckery! (2) How to build a brand new world full of ballyhoo, bamboozlement, and bombastic beating around the bush. (3) What constitutes a life of ludicrous leisure and lavish lollygagging? And lastly, when to enjoy yourself, because it’s never too late to wink!

Q: What advice would you give those seeking an avocation in the field of creative loafing?

A: Quit trying to fit into someone else’s box. Create your own sandbox, become King/Queen of your own Castle, and invite others over to play! If you want your life to be interesting and exiting – dare to be different…dare to be you and not a carbon copy of someone else! Just remember what Henry David Thoreau had to say: “I would rather sit on a pumpkin, and have it all to myself, than be crowded on a velvet cushion.” Besides, every new year brings 365 days of opportunity – so watch out for those seagulls!

__________

For those who can't get enough Orange Organics and pumpkin art -- the above carved cutie is courtesy of master-carver John Vickers of Victoria, B.C. So trot on over and take a gander at some great pumpkins at http://www.flickr.com/photos/quippingqueen/ and http://www.ltgov.bc.ca/whatsnew/mr/mr_oct01_2003.htm for more details.

EXQUISITE EUPHEMISMS & EGESTA ETIQUETTE

2006-02-28T10:58:00.000-08:00

Or, how to say discreet things in public without causing embarrassment

By: Count Guidobaldo Le Touquet, one who excels in excursive expeditions into a myriad of matters involving the expedient expulsion of effervescent effluvium.

It has been said that distasteful discussion about the expulsion and evacuation of masticated materials is better left for locker room chitchat or all-night sister gabs.

While everyone purports to be in favor of respecting "Mother Nature", few want to talk about their daily duties nor what to do with the precious poop left behind by domesticated pets and people plus numerous Sasquatches, Yetis, and Yahoos that inhabit the Wild Wild Kingdom on planet Earth.

Impromptu “calls of nature” are to be expected since we are after all Homo-sapiens. Although how we respond to such primal urges in a social context requires mastering all manner of niceties, and a code of conduct better known as ‘Egesta Etiquette’.

To assist in this process, the English language has coined a variety of flowery phrases and mellifluous metaphors to express the urgency of attending to the vagaries of Mother Nature.

Since the days of Adams and Eve, men and women have been excusing themselves to attend to their offal obligations. Macho males do not wax eloquent on this topic. Instead they prefer to use rather short and succinct expressions like, “I’m going off to take a piss, dump, leak, piss or a crap”.

Those males with a little more class such as “Men from Mars” and their close kin often referred to as “metrosexuals”, observe a little more propriety about these middling matters by avoiding the use of any delightfully raw and debased expressions in reference to the discharge of organic matter.

Victorian ladies and Vixens from Venus on the other hand tend to express things in a most discrete and delicate manner, in hushed tones at all times. Cultural fashion dictates that females find alternative titillating terms that reflect the ancient rituals and customs associated with wishing to be ensconced in the privacy, comfort and convenience afforded by her very own tinkle temple thank you very much.

To the average non-English speaker or alien from outerspace however, common evacuation euphemisms and potty parlance appear rather ambiguous if not altogether enigmatic.

While might wish to ask, “Where’s the bathroom?” to a server walking by in a fancy restaurant, it is rather more polite and indeed some might say even de rigeur to inquire from the maître d’, directions to the nearest “necessarium”, “place of ease”, or “comfort station”.

Being quite at home in one’s own “loo” or “water closet”, seated upon a posh porcelain god, is one thing as is trudging happily about in the backwoods somewhere to enjoying the call of the wilds not to mention an aromatic piece of architecture known as a “biffy”, “latrine”, “outhouse”, “privy”, (or the floating kind known as a “head”). However, it’s best not to dwell for any length of time on this tawdry topic of conversation while in mixed company.

Please refrain from any reference to any mobile, miracle methane technologies such as “high-speed honey wagons” and digitally-programmed “dunnies” or “donnikers”, as this will inevitably result in unwarranted questions from curious souls wishing to know more about these mundane yet mucky matters. On the other hand, Zen-inpsired environmentalists will probably find it helpful to refer to the value of using “night deposits” in replenishing the soil in their roof-top urban garden and as a way of honoring “Mother Nature”!

As to excusing oneself to make a “quick pit stop” at the closest “can” or “john”, it’s best to say something more innocuous like, “Do you mind if we stop to find the ladies’/mens’ room, the restroom, or the facilities?”

Last but not least, when faced with an ordure ordeal or on the brink of a biological break, it is best to abstain from using the vulgar vernacular such as needing to “drain the lizard”, “perfume the loo”, “siphon the python”, “tap a kidney, “train Thomas on the terracotta”, “void my bladder”, “water my horse” or “see a man about a dog”.

Instead, one should relieve oneself by relying on a few good-old standbys such as:

"I’m going to freshen up."
"I’m going to powder my nose."
"I’m going to see Mrs. Murphy."
"I’m going to shake the dew off a lily."
"I’m going to visit the ‘Happy Room’."
"I’m going to visit the little girls’/boys’ room."
"I’m going to visit the little inventor’s room."
"I’m going to visit the Powder Room."
"I’m going to visit the Tinkle Pantry."
"I’m taking my daily constitutional."

For those with “blue blood” who adore “red carpet” and “royal treatment”, please feel free to use the following phrases:

"I’m going to my Royal Office."
"I’m going where even the Emperor must go on foot."
"I’m going where the King/Queen goes alone."
"I’m reclaiming my throne."
"I’m retiring for a while to reign on my porcelain throne."

And, to those who’ve been raised on indoor plumbing or who're spending vast amounts of money and leisure-time hidden away in a spiffy spa behind a bolted bathroom door – may you find your inner peace and your Manifest Destiny ...without the need for either T.P. or me!

10 THINGS NOT TO DO IN MARCH

2006-02-27T11:44:00.000-08:00

1. Banging, bopping or breaking things and creating calamity just because you feel like flexing your mighty muscles, playing King of the Castle, or ruling the Universe; after all, this isn’t a great way to win friends and influence people since there’s always someone out there with a bigger and better billy-club who’s bound to knock you off your Humpty-Humpty pedestal when you’re not looking - then splat, splotch, or whatever all over the place - and no one prepared to patch up your DNA or pick up your 1001 pieces!

2. Making any feudal obligations you’re not prepared to keep forever and ever like asking for the hand of someone in marriage, using floss every day to keep Evil Gingivitis at by or agreeing to take out the garbage for the rest of your life here on planet earth.

3. Can’t imagine being “Mad as a Hatter” or “Mad as a March Hare” - just never agree to play these pathetic pet parts in a dysfunctional drama like “Alice In Wonderland!”

4. On March 8th, avoid casually ogling or waving in a royal manner to members of the female gender they may think you’re harassing them on “International Women’s Day”!

5. This may be the birth sign month of Mars-ruled, fire-eaters like Aries, but resist the temptation to play with someone who’s brash, impulsive, doesn’t listen, exercises poor judgment, always needs to be “top dog”, and is blind to his or her effect on others. Frankly, Scarlet or Scottie, you can do way better by mixing with other classy cosmic critters!

6. On March 15th, beware of the “Ides of March”, by brushing off any dodgy business deals involving money-laundering with any member of a career offender cartel, respectfully pass up invitations to attend any impromptu toga parties, or listen to any half-baked hocus pocus from a fortune-teller who reads tea leaves and examines the insides of toads.

7. On “St. Patrick’s Day”, March 17th, refuse to wear green attire of any kind including boxer shorts or thongs, and turn down an enticement to eat or drink anything green in color no matter how many times your doctor, fitness trainer or your significant other tells you it’s good for you!

8. Men may come from Mars and women from Venus, but best way to hook up with destiny’s darling is to wait patiently for another 11 months when courteous Cupid, cavorting Casanova or perhaps that cute Cat next door will come knocking for a very naughty night out on the town!

9. Hanging around Numerology nudniks, (especially those with a passion for number 7) can be a tad exhausting; you know, the typical ones who adore analyzing things to death, mystify why apples always fall from the tree on me, and tend to focus on the big picture while forgetting about what to prepare for dinner tonight…unless you’re a family-friendly furry one named Fido or Fifi!

10. On March 20th, (the first official day of Spring), do not tell everyone you’re responding to the call of nature by building a privy or prancing about in your blessed birthday suit!

__________

You may be interested to know that this name is not ranked in the top 1000 most popular names from 1990 – 2003.

Being “mad as a March hare” has its advantages, since during the March breeding season, it is said that hares are wilder than at other times of the year (which is probably why the Easter Bunny is highly over-rated for his prolific prowess in North American society).

THE LONG-LOST LEXICON OF "D"

2006-02-26T15:41:00.000-08:00

Or, a ditty dedicated to the key of “d”

By: Samantha Tooting-Beck, not-your-average Cosmo girl, but one with an abiding interest in old or odd words that have been banished from common conversation.

In the interests of resurrecting rather fine words that rarely see the light of day in either spoken or written English, I’ve decided to create a delightful ditty dedicated to the fourth letter “d” of the English alphabet.

Darvel Dillytop, an amateur danseuse realized that her dangling dashpot days were over.

Suffice to say that the diaplasticks weren’t working any more, and the deleterious effects of a dry-diet were leaving her in a davering, distraught and drowning the miller state of mind as she contemplated the double onslaught of dysania and dysbulia. Frankly, the prospect of spending her remaining time on terra firma with a bunch of ding-a-lings and dingbats did not exactly ring her chimes.

Not wanting to become a dwizzen-faced, deliquesced diva (let alone a doddering Delilah with a decorative dome doily atop her cerebellum) or even worse, dwanged before her time, she decided to deliberate upon the matter while ensconced comfortably on a donnicker in a nearby donjon (that incidentally offered a fresh new perspective on life).

There she encountered a deformed durry, a dough ball and a dream stick. Not one for dumpster diving or drinking tobacco, she exercised her druthers and determined that it was high time for her to dress up like a dog’s dinner and consult a dookin, a douzeper, plus a druid for good measure, before there was a downswing in the market and the inevitable loss of all her double-digit investment opportunities.

The dookin, (after presentation of a double sawbuck), suggested that if this delectable den mother wished to avoid dystopia her best bet was to keep dronish dupes, dramatic monologists and double-talking droobs at a distance. Next she was advised to seek the company of a suitable dough bug that wished to make this doozer of dollybird his very own dowsasel and not a disreputable doxy or a draggle-tail.

The dagger-sporting douzeper, (named “Don Quixote”), indicated that the dewy-eyed deltiologist should satisfy her urge for dromomania by purchasing a dream sack, a dufflebag, and a book on dontopedalogy. He also warned her to be on the lookout for double-speaking drab doppelgangers and a duet of donsy doo-woppers. Clearly engaging in ducks and drakes or donkeywork and drudgery are not pastimes fit for a drop-dead gorgeous damsel who’s destined to become at the very least a dulcimer-playing water nymph or at best, a deceptive dynamo named Dulcinea with a walk-on part in a deodorant commercial at a droll-booth performance.

The double-dome druid after double-checking the diurnal activities of a dormouse, and examining a docile dowcet, recommended she drop her dowager duchess routine, ditch the idea of becoming a devil’s advocate and dodge any door-to-door dummkopfs, dunderheads or dunghavenhooters that might come knocking. He also told her never to date a double-negative dyvour, a dithering do-si-do type or become anyone’s down-at-the-heel doormat.

Needless to say, after such dharmic guidance from a bunch of divine dudes, this demure deipnosophist knew that neither demolition derbies nor dazzling diamonds could ever divert her from her dolce vita future with the man of her dreams…a distinguished dental-flosser and desirable deosculator … the denuded Don Juan himself!

__________

For the benefit of baffled readers, A Lexicon of Lost-And-Found Words (containing words beginning with the letter "d" found in the above tale of twaddle and twittery) follows:

dangling – descriptive of activities performed by a circus trapeze artist
danseuse - a female ballet dancer
davering – walking about in a dazed condition, as in to wander aimlessly
dashpot – shock absorber
deleterious – harmful
deipnosphist – one who is exceptionally good at dinner-table conversation
Delilah – the mistress and betrayer of Samson in the book of Judges
deliquesced – to become soft or liquid with age
deltiologist – one who collects postcards
demure – affectedly modest, coquettishly coy, or reserved
denuded – without the benefit of a fig leaf, naked as it were…
deosculator – one who kisses kisser affectionately and passionately
dharmic – pertaining to an individual’s duty fulfilled by observance of customs or cosmic laws
ding-a-lings – nitwits, kooks
dingbats – nincompoops, noddypoles, nudnicks, and nuisances
diaplasticks – medicines which are good for a limb out of place
dithering – a highly confused, indecisive, nervous or vacillating person
diva – a distinguished female or posh performer
doddering – feeble, senile old fogy
dolce vita – a life of indolence and self-indulgence
dollybird – pretty young woman
dome doily – a wig
Don Juan – a captivating man known as a great lover or seducer of women
donjon – the main tower of a castle.
donnicker – a toilet
donsy – restive or saucy
dontolpedalogy – putting one’s foot in one’s mouth
dookin – fortune-teller
doozer – an extraordinary of its kind
doppleganger – the ghost or double of a living person
double-dome - intellectual
dough ball – stale bread and cinnamon used as fish bate
dough bug – a wealthy person
double sawbuck – a twenty dollar bill
douzeper – one of twelve legendary knights
dowager – dignified elderly widow
dowcet – the testicle of a deer or rabbit
down-at-the-heel – old-fashioned, shabby
dowsasel – a sweetheart
doxy – floozy or mistress
drab – cheerless; descriptive of “droobs” i.e. boring or dull people
draggle-tail – slattern or slovenly-dressed saucy female acquaintance
dream sack – a cowboy term for a sleeping bag
dream stick – an opium pipe
dressed up like a dog’s dinner – to wear one’s best bib and tucker
druid – an ancient Celtic priest known to have magical powers
drinking tobacco – euphemism for smoking
drippers – people who constantly grouch and grumble
droll-booth – a traveling theater
dromomania – the compulsive longing for travel
dronish – habitually lazy
droobs – dull or boring people
drowning the miller – adding too much water to wine or spirits
druthers – free choice, preference
dry-diet – total abstinence from liquids
dry-suit – a close-fitting waterproof rubber suit used especially by skin divers
ducks and drakes – skimming flat stones or shells along the surface of calm water
dulcimer – a stringed trapezoidal-shaped instrument played with light hammers held in the hands
Dulcinea – mistress or sweetheart (of Don Quixote).
dummkopfs - blockheads
dumpster-diving – collecting stuff tossed away in private or public refuse receptacles
dunderheads – big blockheads
dunghavenhooters – imaginary mouthless creatures that beat their victims into gas and inhale them through large nostrils
durry – a cigarette butt
dwanged – bowed down, decrepit with too much harassment and worry
dwizzen-faced - skinny-looking parched person
dysania – having a difficult time waking up in the morning
dysbulia – loss of will power
dystopia – an imaginary place where everybody is depressed
dyvour – one who is bankrupt

WORDS TO WONDER BY

2006-02-25T10:15:00.000-08:00

Or, words you haven’t got a clue what they do

By: Samantha Tooting-Beck, a wordmongering wanderlust and wizardess of jim-crackery who enjoys musing about the mysteries of misplaced words and mangled meanings.

For those with a love of lost-and-long-forgotten words like me, the dictionary can be a plucky pocket paramour and, if truth the bold, the next best thing to a good roll in the hay!

All of which brings me to a quickie-quiz I've developed for those with short-attention spans and a need to expand their vapid vocabulary.

So here are four fine words and meanings from which to choose. Your task for today, should you accept this mission impossible, is to separate the wonk from the weal thing (in under 120 seconds).

Remember, no peeking or poking about in any reference books, and no calls to your best friend to bail you out!!

Let the giggling game begin:

Bort:

(a) A blundering fellow with a very big axe to grind.
(b) A blissful fleeting moment that’s better forgotten.
(c) A diamond that a gal wouldn’t be caught dead wearing!
(d) A pathetic particle whose spin is akin to zero.
(e) None of the above.

Fleffeater:

(a) A machine capable of turning, bending and folding in one operation.
(b) A rabbit characterized by its large size, vigor, and solid coat color in black or white.
(c) One who coaxes or wheedles relentlessly.
(d) In reference to materials of inferior quality and workmanship.
(e) None of the above.

Malkin:

(a) A filthy, ill-cooked mess of victuals.
(b) A cat, hare or untidy lady.
(c) An impudently bold person.
(d) An ancient preparation used to expel tapeworms.
(e) None of the above.

Shammocking:

(a) The feeling of roughness caused by a new undergarment.
(b) Descriptive of a short, sensational, 19th century peep-show.
(c) A state of frenzy induced by dancing with the aid of a stimulant.
(d) Descriptive of an idle, good-for-nothing person; a close relative of the common schlep.
(e) None of the above.

_____

Bort: (c)
Fleffeater: no such word (e)
Malkin: (b)
Shammocking: (d)

DOG DITTY DAILY #14

2006-02-24T08:42:00.000-08:00

Motivational Moment for Misguided Masters & Mutts

Compiled by Hugo Hotagen, DDD (Duke of Doorknobs & Doghouses), a loyal lapdog-in-training apprenticed to the affable, agnostic and all-round air-headed Court of the Quipping Queen.

A quirky, quizzical and sometimes questionable quotation or two in honor of the "Year of the Dog":

"Let the dogs bark, the caravan moves on." (Anonymous)

"His bark is worse than his bite". (Proverb) Variations: "His bark is as bad as his bite." -- "He has a bark but no bite."

"You're barking up the wrong tree." (Proverb)

__________

Speaking of barking dogs, according to 17th century English dramatist John Webster, "Cowardly dogs bark loudest."

William Shakespeare (1564-1616) had this to say on the subject of 'barking dogs' in The Merchant of Venice, "And when I ope my lips, let no dogs bark."

On the other hand, there are some observers of modern management in a dog-eat-dog world who have more profound things to say on the subject like: "Its just so much easier for the people higher up the ladder to bark down the orders, rather than come down the ladder."

And here's an unlikely dog tale that's hit the best-seller list...who'd have thought a mutt could make the author so much moola! http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060224/od_nm/life_dogstory_dc

DOG DITTY DAILY #13

2006-02-23T08:25:00.000-08:00

Motivational Moment for Misguided Masters & Mutts

Compiled by Hugo Hotagen, DDD (Duke of Doorknobs & Doghouses), a loyal lapdog-in-training apprenticed to the affable, agnostic and all-round air-headed Court of the Quipping Queen.

A quirky, quizzical and sometimes questionable quotidian quotation or two, in honor of the "Year of the Dog", follows herewith:

"We don't have to think up a title till we get the doggone book written." (Carl Sandburg, 1878-1967, American poet)

"I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me." (Al
Gore, U.S. Politician)

"Doggone Life - Fighting like cats and dogs!" (Anonymous)

__________

There are 1,330,000 web pages devoted to the word "doggone" -- a handy euphemism for that ever popular profanity: "damn".

For those who simply adore knowing all there is to know about "doggone" feel free to visit a compendium of quirky stuff at http://www.websters-online-dictionary.org/definition/doggone

PISCATORIAL PROFANITIES

2006-02-22T07:31:00.000-08:00

Or, are you flinging a few funny fish indignities my way?

By: Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D., a pleasingly plump piscatory personality if ever there was one, who by all accounts appears to have oodles of spare time to devote to his chosen field of silver-tongued study, “research into obscure oddities of human behavior and miscellaneous mirth found in quaint Middle Earth communities”; (he also holds forth on a regular basis from a high chair located somewhere in the esteemed University of the Bleeding Obvious).

It is regrettable indeed that neither Latin, nor its loquacious lollygagging version known as “Pig-Latin”, is taught in school today.

All of which brings me to my second thought for the day, how to introduce more civility into the 21st century culture of “boordom”, a boring state of mind eagerly sought after by its key proponent, the “booboisie”.

In an effort to raise the level of ludicrous lexicography available to loobies, louts, and lunkheads everywhere, I have taken the liberty of providing a short but nevertheless comprehensive list of piscatorially-inspired profanities.

For the benefit of scamps and scapegraces with a vacuous or vulgarian vocabulary, I have provided both the common name for a variety of exotic tropical fish species in bold letters, followed by the lesser known Latin translation.

It is hoped that those seeking a positive way to express their dislike of those whom they’ve categorized as “bad eggs”, “poor fish, or “tough bunnies” will find some satisfaction in being able to sound off in a more refined manner using the glee-filled, gilled-edged glossary below.

Please insert “You” in front of the most appropriate Piscean profanity you can find that best describes your bosom buddy or the bleeping boor next door.

For peak results (that truly reflect your mirthful malevolence or madcap mood of the moment), try one of these lovely little linguistic labels on for size such as “You Alabama Hog Sucker!” Or, if you prefer something rather more ornate and ostentatious, perhaps let this tasty tidbit trip off the tip of your tongue as it were - “You Hypentelium Etowanum!”

May you enjoy flogging your funny fish monikers on unsuspecting fops and flapdoodlers. Just sit back and watch as all those jaws begin to drop as you let one of your raucous retorts roll out!

Life Lesson 7: In the mainstream of life there are many swimming species from bottom suckers to flycatchers. So if the fish name fits…wear it!

“A”

Alabama Hog Sucker - Hypentelium etowanum
Archer Eelpout - Lycodes sagittarius

“B”

Big-Eyed Synodontis - Synodontis pleurops
Big-Mouth Hap - Tyrannochromis macrostoma
Bleeding Heart Tetra - Hyphessobrycon erythrostigma
Blockhead Cichlid - Steatocranus casuarius
Blotched Pyrrhulina - Pyrrhulina spilota
Blue Lumphead - Cyrtocara moorii
Blunt-Head Cichlid - Tropheus moorii
Blunt-Headed Telmat - Telmatochromis vittatus
Bony Snouted Gudgeon - Butis butis
Bucktoothed Tetra - Exodon paradoxus
Bullrout - Notesthes robusta

“C”

Chunky Hap - Protomelas annectens
Cigar Shark - Leptobarbus hoevenii
Cloudy Doradid - Rhinodoras dorbignyi
Cockatoo Dwarf Cichlid - Apistogramma cacatuoides
Copper Mouthbrooder - Pseudocrenilabrus philander
Croaking Gourami - Trichopsis vittata
Cuckoo Synodontis - Synodontis multipunctatus

“D”
Dogtooth Cichlid - Cynotilapia afra
Dwarf Croaking Gourami - Trichopsis pumilis
Dwarf Distichodus - Distichodus decemmaculatus
Dwarf Gourami - Colisa lalia
Dwarf Livebearer - Heterandria formosa
Dwarf Snakehead - Channa gachua

“E”
Earth Eater - Satanoperca jurupari
Elephant-Nose Cichlid - Nimbochromis linni
Elongated Lepidiolamprologus - Lepidiolamprologus elongatus
Eye Spot Loach - Acanthocobitis botia

“F”
Fathead Bichir - Polypterus weeksii
Fly-Speckled Hardyhead - Craterocephalus stercusmuscarum
Fork Tailed Lamprologus - Neolamprologus furcifer
Four-Eyes - Anableps anableps

“G”
Golden Tropheops - Pseudotropheus tropheops
Green Scat - Scatophagus argus argus
Green Terror - Aequidens rivulatus

“H”
Harlequin Shark - Labeo cyclorhynchus
High-Backed Headstander - Abramites hypselonotus
Hog-Nosed Brochis - Brochis multiradiatus

“I”
Inexpectatum Pleco - Hypoptopoma inexpectatum

“J”
Jelly Bean Tetra - Ladigesia roloffi
Jumping Characin - Copella arnoldi

“K”
Keyhole Cichlid - Cleithracara maronii
Kissing Gourami - Helostoma temmincki

“L”
Largemouth Buffalo - Ictiobus cyprinellus
Lemon Algae Eater - Gyrinocheilus aymonieri
Long Nosed Loach - Acantopsis dialuzona
Lyretail Lamprologus - Neolamprologus brichardi

“M”
Moustache Synodontis - Synodontis membranaceus
Mudskipper - Periophthalmus barbarus

“N”
Northern Hog Sucker - Hypentelium nigricans

“O”
Obese Synodontis - Synodontis obesus
Obscure Snakehead - Parachanna obscura
Ocellated Loach - Acanthocobitis urophthalmus

“P”
Pig-Face Pufferfish - Tetraodon suvatti
Pingi Logsucker - Garra pingi pingi
Pumpkinseed - Lepomis gibbosus
Purple Headed Barb - Barbus nigrofasciatus

“R”
Red Devil - Amphilophus labiatus
Red Eyed Tetra - Arnoldichthys spilopterus
Red Hump Eartheater - Geophagus steindachneri
Red Snakehead - Channa micropeltes
Red Striped Earth Eater - Geophagus surinamensis
Red Terror - Cichlasoma festae
Red Tipped Bleeding Heart Tetra - Hyphessobrycon pyrrhonotos
Red Wagtail Platy - Xiphophorus maculates
Roanoke Hog Sucker - Hypentelium roanokense
Rummynose Tetra - Hemigrammus bleheri

“S”
Scat - Scatophagus argus
Sharp Toothed Tetra - Micralestes acutidens
Shortnose Gar - Lepisosteus platostomus
Six Barred Epiplatys - Epiplatys sexfaciatus
Six-Bar Lamprologus - Neolamprologus sexfasciatus
Six-Barred Distichodus - Distichodus sexfasciatus
Skunk Loach - Botia morleti
Slant Nosed Gar - Ctenolucius hujeta hujeta
Smallmouth Buffalo - Ictiobus bubalus
Spotnosed Gar - Lepisosteus platostomus
Spotted Hoplo - Hoplosternum pectorale
Spotted Shovelnose - Hemisorubim platyrhynchos
Spotted Snakehead - Channa punctata
Spotted Thick-Lipped Loach - Nemacheilus strauchi
Squarehead Earth Eater - Gymnogeophagus gymnogenys
Star-Gazing Doradid - Astrodoras asterifrons
Striped Headstander - Anostomus anostomus
Striped Snakehead - Channa striata
Sucking Loach - Gyrinocheilus aymonieri
Sulphurhead Hap - Otopharynx lithobates

“T”
Tail-Light Tetra - Bryconops melanurus
Texas Cichlid - Cichlasoma cyanoguttatum
Thick-Lipped Gourami - Colisa labiosa
Three Spot Eartheater - Geophagus daemon
Three Spot Gourami - Trichogaster trichopterus
Tire Track Eel - Mastacembelus armatus
Two-Spot Pink Bagrid - Mystus micracanthus

“U”
Uaru - Uaru amphicanthiodes
Umbee - Cichlasoma umbriferum

“V”
Vampire Pleco - Leporacanthicus galaxias

“W”
Warmouth - Lepomis gulosus
Wimple – Myxocyprinus asiaticus

“Y”
Yellow Tetra - Hyphessobrycon bifasciatus
Yo-yo Loach - Botia lohachata

“Z”
Zipper Loach - Noemacheilus botia

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Note: The author is not responsible for any politically-incorrect interpretation of the above-mentioned pointy-headed piscatorial profanities.

For fun with fish names, pithy piscatorial poseurs, fishtank name-droppers and swim-trunk showoffs are advised to check out: http://www.crickler.com/puzzle20/serenefish.html

DOG DITTY DAILY#13

2006-02-21T07:15:00.000-08:00

Motivational Moment for Misguided Masters & Mutts

Compiled by Hugo Hotagen, DDD (Duke of Doorknobs & Doghouses), a loyal lapdog-in-training apprenticed to the affable, agnostic and all-round air-headed Court of the Quipping Queen.

A quirky, quizzical and sometimes questionable quotidian quotation, in honor of the "Year of the Dog", follows herewith:

"I pray thee let me and my fellow have a 'hair of the dog' that bit us last night." (Proverb)

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Speaking of the 'hair of the dog that bit' ...the best remedy for a humungous hangover might well be taking a swig of the stuff that swatted you in the first place!

But, if you really need to know more about "the hair of the dog"... wander over and see what Google has to say: http://www.googlism.com/what_is/h/hair_of_the_dog/

As a matter of fact, "Hair of the Dog" also seems to be a big hit with a pack of pooches better known as "Guns N'roses"!