Thursday, June 10, 2004


Frankly, it's about time we find out what makes us tick...other than hockey, more hockey and lots of belching beer drinkers!

1. Only a Canadian inquires politely about the rules of play in the sandbox and decides, (after a rigorous policy analysis and a public consultation process), that it’s prudent to offer a government-sponsored skills training program on how to build sandcastles in the air to temporarily-displaced “yes” people of merit with diverse learning styles who are also team players and enthusiastically committed to the principles of social justice, transparency and accountability in the workplace.

2. Only a Canadian travels abroad with a regulation size/weight suitcase or a carry-on item tagged with a modestly displayed red-and-white maple leaf.

3. Only a “Canuck” has figured out that the best game strategy on any ice is to skate around every issue and to pass the buck whenever possible.

4. Only a Canadian wears a “tuque” in winter, microwaves a frozen “tortiere”, and knows that every francophone person of snow is called “Bonhomme”.

5. Only a Canadian knows that Santa Claus, Sasquatch, and the co-creator of Superman deserve credit for making “the True North Strong and Free”.

6. Only a Canadian could create nonsensical mind games like “Balderdash”, “Pictionary” and “Trivial Pursuit” to kill time while waiting for Godot.

7. Only a Canadian with compassion builds affordable housing financed by taxpayers to accommodate a fixed-income, generously-proportioned, hirsute, Ho-Ho-Ho-ing senior wearing a tight-fitting crimson tunic and living in a sleigh with a red-nosed ungulate called Rudolph plus four bell-ringing equity employment applicants named Dancer, Prancer, Donner and Blitzen!

8. Only a Canadian feels safe and secure knowing the total number of sunny days recorded per month, the UV index rating, any wind-chill or gale force wind warnings and, last but not least, the daily summer mosquitoe count.

9. Only a Canadian understands that ‘better gnomes and gardens’ is simply green-thumb code for a powerful plot with lots of wonder-weeders.

10. Only a Canadian invents ingenious fashion-industry staples such as the zipper and Velcro --- but doesn’t guarantee the folly of a fly in the hands of a fool.

11. Only a Canadian could create a mushy meal called Pabulum to keep toothless types udderly satisfied while milking the rest of us for millions of dollars.

12. Only a Canadian could create a special spirit called rye, a unique whet-your-whistle Newfie Screech, and the world’s only tuck-in-handles beer carton.

13. Only a Canadian understands how to cash in on oodles of ice and white flakes by designing the world's first snowblower, snowmobile, and Zamboni.

14. Only a Canadian appreciates how a mouse might feel waking up one day beside a paranoid elephant who’s taken over the living room, moved the cheese, installed surveillance cameras, motion detectors and zapping devices, not to mention cleaned out the beer fridge including the last slice of pizza.

15. Only a Canadian conjures up quirky placenames to entice tourists to pop in and take a peek at the folks in Fanny Bay (BC), Sexsmith (AB), Climax (SK), Dropmore (MB), Camelot Beach (ON), Dixville (QC), Peel (NB), Grosses Coques (NS), Kinkora (PE), Dildo, (NF) and Tuktoyaktuk (north of 60o).

16. Only a Canadian knows that “peace, order, and good government” means no pushing or shoving in school yards or grocery lineups, no trespassing on grass marked “keep off”, and finding a qualified political candidate who doesn’t live in a glass house, has publicly sworn off booze, cigarettes, and happy pills for life not to mention condemned the indiscriminate use of sling-shots.

17. Only a Canadian with an eccentric, enterprising mind could dream up ways to decorate a pair of rubber boots and then sell them at a premium to foreigners who’ve been forewarned about the dangers of cow pies, buffalo chips, goose droppings, seagull poop and doggie doo dah in pristine parks and public places.

18. Only a Canadian is proud of the fact that Vegreville, Alberta is home to the world’s largest Easter Egg (9m high), that St. George Street in St. John’s, Newfoundland has the longest bar crawl on the planet (187 taverns at last count), and that we live in a diverse, tolerant, secular society where a bible store and a strip club can exist side by side as they do in North Bay, Ontario.

19. Only a Canadian knows why we add “eh” at the end of every sentence -- to keep the myth alive that a lumberjack in a plaid shirt, sipping on maple syrup in a log cabin in the woods, is behind every blinking screw-up in the country.

20. Only a Canadian knows that laughter is the best medicine; that’s why we export lots of comedians and healers to the USA just to ensure that the Americans keep splitting their sides, falling out of their chairs, and off our blessed backs for a while!


At 3:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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