Monday, February 27, 2006

10 THINGS NOT TO DO IN MARCH

Or, how to enjoy more jocularity

Sherlock Tidpit is a remarkable rumpus-room monitor, and even more impressive, he's a rule-of-thumb rapscallion with a very skewed assessment of reality, (which among other things makes him a very valuable vestigial remnant in the Court of the Quipping Queen).

“March” is the fourth month of the Gregorian calendar.

In Latin “March” means to “walk forth”. So, if you don’t like shilly-shallying or sallying forth, aren’t really into “March Madness”, and aren’t prepared to worship the Roman God of war “Mars”, you might want to skip this month altogether.

And if truth be told, 52 per cent of prospective parents at a certain baby naming website voted against foisting this middling moniker known as "March" upon their offspring.

Those who wish to enjoy the jolly spirit of jocularity should do everything in their power to avoid engaging in any of the following fruitless things this month.

1. Banging, bopping or breaking things and creating calamity just because you feel like flexing your mighty muscles, playing King of the Castle, or ruling the Universe; after all, this isn’t a great way to win friends and influence people since there’s always someone out there with a bigger and better billy-club who’s bound to knock you off your Humpty-Humpty pedestal when you’re not looking - then splat, splotch, or whatever all over the place - and no one prepared to patch up your DNA or pick up your 1001 pieces!

2. Making any feudal obligations you’re not prepared to keep forever and ever like asking for the hand of someone in marriage, using floss every day to keep Evil Gingivitis at by or agreeing to take out the garbage for the rest of your life here on planet earth.

3. Can’t imagine being “Mad as a Hatter” or “Mad as a March Hare” - just never agree to play these pathetic pet parts in a dysfunctional drama like “Alice In Wonderland!”

4. On March 8th, avoid casually ogling or waving in a royal manner to members of the female gender they may think you’re harassing them on “International Women’s Day”!

5. This may be the birth sign month of Mars-ruled, fire-eaters like Aries, but resist the temptation to play with someone who’s brash, impulsive, doesn’t listen, exercises poor judgment, always needs to be “top dog”, and is blind to his or her effect on others. Frankly, Scarlet or Scottie, you can do way better by mixing with other classy cosmic critters!

6. On March 15th, beware of the “Ides of March”, by brushing off any dodgy business deals involving money-laundering with any member of a career offender cartel, respectfully pass up invitations to attend any impromptu toga parties, or listen to any half-baked hocus pocus from a fortune-teller who reads tea leaves and examines the insides of toads.

7. On “St. Patrick’s Day”, March 17th, refuse to wear green attire of any kind including boxer shorts or thongs, and turn down an enticement to eat or drink anything green in color no matter how many times your doctor, fitness trainer or your significant other tells you it’s good for you!

8. Men may come from Mars and women from Venus, but best way to hook up with destiny’s darling is to wait patiently for another 11 months when courteous Cupid, cavorting Casanova or perhaps that cute Cat next door will come knocking for a very naughty night out on the town!

9. Hanging around Numerology nudniks, (especially those with a passion for number 7) can be a tad exhausting; you know, the typical ones who adore analyzing things to death, mystify why apples always fall from the tree on me, and tend to focus on the big picture while forgetting about what to prepare for dinner tonight…unless you’re a family-friendly furry one named Fido or Fifi!

10. On March 20th, (the first official day of Spring), do not tell everyone you’re responding to the call of nature by building a privy or prancing about in your blessed birthday suit!

__________

You may be interested to know that this name is not ranked in the top 1000 most popular names from 1990 – 2003.

Being “mad as a March hare” has its advantages, since during the March breeding season, it is said that hares are wilder than at other times of the year (which is probably why the Easter Bunny is highly over-rated for his prolific prowess in North American society).

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