Wednesday, February 22, 2006

PISCATORIAL PROFANITIES


Or, are you flinging a few funny fish indignities my way?

By: Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D., a pleasingly plump piscatory personality if ever there was one, who by all accounts appears to have oodles of spare time to devote to his chosen field of silver-tongued study, “research into obscure oddities of human behavior and miscellaneous mirth found in quaint Middle Earth communities”; (he also holds forth on a regular basis from a high chair located somewhere in the esteemed University of the Bleeding Obvious).

It is regrettable indeed that neither Latin, nor its loquacious lollygagging version known as “Pig-Latin”, is taught in school today.

All of which brings me to my second thought for the day, how to introduce more civility into the 21st century culture of “boordom”, a boring state of mind eagerly sought after by its key proponent, the “booboisie”.

In an effort to raise the level of ludicrous lexicography available to loobies, louts, and lunkheads everywhere, I have taken the liberty of providing a short but nevertheless comprehensive list of piscatorially-inspired profanities.

For the benefit of scamps and scapegraces with a vacuous or vulgarian vocabulary, I have provided both the common name for a variety of exotic tropical fish species in bold letters, followed by the lesser known Latin translation.

It is hoped that those seeking a positive way to express their dislike of those whom they’ve categorized as “bad eggs”, “poor fish, or “tough bunnies” will find some satisfaction in being able to sound off in a more refined manner using the glee-filled, gilled-edged glossary below.

Please insert “You” in front of the most appropriate Piscean profanity you can find that best describes your bosom buddy or the bleeping boor next door.

For peak results (that truly reflect your mirthful malevolence or madcap mood of the moment), try one of these lovely little linguistic labels on for size such as “You Alabama Hog Sucker!” Or, if you prefer something rather more ornate and ostentatious, perhaps let this tasty tidbit trip off the tip of your tongue as it were - “You Hypentelium Etowanum!”

May you enjoy flogging your funny fish monikers on unsuspecting fops and flapdoodlers. Just sit back and watch as all those jaws begin to drop as you let one of your raucous retorts roll out!

Life Lesson 7: In the mainstream of life there are many swimming species from bottom suckers to flycatchers. So if the fish name fits…wear it!

“A”

Alabama Hog Sucker - Hypentelium etowanum
Archer Eelpout - Lycodes sagittarius

“B”

Big-Eyed Synodontis - Synodontis pleurops
Big-Mouth Hap - Tyrannochromis macrostoma
Bleeding Heart Tetra - Hyphessobrycon erythrostigma
Blockhead Cichlid - Steatocranus casuarius
Blotched Pyrrhulina - Pyrrhulina spilota
Blue Lumphead - Cyrtocara moorii
Blunt-Head Cichlid - Tropheus moorii
Blunt-Headed Telmat - Telmatochromis vittatus
Bony Snouted Gudgeon - Butis butis
Bucktoothed Tetra - Exodon paradoxus
Bullrout - Notesthes robusta

“C”

Chunky Hap - Protomelas annectens
Cigar Shark - Leptobarbus hoevenii
Cloudy Doradid - Rhinodoras dorbignyi
Cockatoo Dwarf Cichlid - Apistogramma cacatuoides
Copper Mouthbrooder - Pseudocrenilabrus philander
Croaking Gourami - Trichopsis vittata
Cuckoo Synodontis - Synodontis multipunctatus

“D”
Dogtooth Cichlid - Cynotilapia afra
Dwarf Croaking Gourami - Trichopsis pumilis
Dwarf Distichodus - Distichodus decemmaculatus
Dwarf Gourami - Colisa lalia
Dwarf Livebearer - Heterandria formosa
Dwarf Snakehead - Channa gachua

“E”
Earth Eater
- Satanoperca jurupari
Elephant-Nose Cichlid - Nimbochromis linni
Elongated Lepidiolamprologus - Lepidiolamprologus elongatus
Eye Spot Loach - Acanthocobitis botia

“F”
Fathead Bichir - Polypterus weeksii
Fly-Speckled Hardyhead - Craterocephalus stercusmuscarum
Fork Tailed Lamprologus - Neolamprologus furcifer
Four-Eyes - Anableps anableps

“G”
Golden Tropheops - Pseudotropheus tropheops
Green Scat - Scatophagus argus argus
Green Terror - Aequidens rivulatus

“H”
Harlequin Shark - Labeo cyclorhynchus
High-Backed Headstander - Abramites hypselonotus
Hog-Nosed Brochis - Brochis multiradiatus

“I”
Inexpectatum Pleco - Hypoptopoma inexpectatum

“J”
Jelly Bean Tetra
- Ladigesia roloffi
Jumping Characin - Copella arnoldi

“K”
Keyhole Cichlid
- Cleithracara maronii
Kissing Gourami - Helostoma temmincki

“L”
Largemouth Buffalo
- Ictiobus cyprinellus
Lemon Algae Eater - Gyrinocheilus aymonieri
Long Nosed Loach - Acantopsis dialuzona
Lyretail Lamprologus - Neolamprologus brichardi

“M”
Moustache Synodontis - Synodontis membranaceus
Mudskipper - Periophthalmus barbarus

“N”
Northern Hog Sucker
- Hypentelium nigricans

“O”
Obese Synodontis - Synodontis obesus
Obscure Snakehead - Parachanna obscura
Ocellated Loach - Acanthocobitis urophthalmus

“P”
Pig-Face Pufferfish - Tetraodon suvatti
Pingi Logsucker - Garra pingi pingi
Pumpkinseed - Lepomis gibbosus
Purple Headed Barb - Barbus nigrofasciatus

“R”
Red Devil - Amphilophus labiatus
Red Eyed Tetra - Arnoldichthys spilopterus
Red Hump Eartheater - Geophagus steindachneri
Red Snakehead - Channa micropeltes
Red Striped Earth Eater - Geophagus surinamensis
Red Terror - Cichlasoma festae
Red Tipped Bleeding Heart Tetra - Hyphessobrycon pyrrhonotos
Red Wagtail Platy - Xiphophorus maculates
Roanoke Hog Sucker - Hypentelium roanokense
Rummynose Tetra - Hemigrammus bleheri

“S”
Scat
- Scatophagus argus
Sharp Toothed Tetra - Micralestes acutidens
Shortnose Gar - Lepisosteus platostomus
Six Barred Epiplatys - Epiplatys sexfaciatus
Six-Bar Lamprologus - Neolamprologus sexfasciatus
Six-Barred Distichodus - Distichodus sexfasciatus
Skunk Loach - Botia morleti
Slant Nosed Gar - Ctenolucius hujeta hujeta
Smallmouth Buffalo - Ictiobus bubalus
Spotnosed Gar - Lepisosteus platostomus
Spotted Hoplo - Hoplosternum pectorale
Spotted Shovelnose - Hemisorubim platyrhynchos
Spotted Snakehead - Channa punctata
Spotted Thick-Lipped Loach - Nemacheilus strauchi
Squarehead Earth Eater - Gymnogeophagus gymnogenys
Star-Gazing Doradid - Astrodoras asterifrons
Striped Headstander - Anostomus anostomus
Striped Snakehead - Channa striata
Sucking Loach - Gyrinocheilus aymonieri
Sulphurhead Hap - Otopharynx lithobates

“T”

Tail-Light Tetra - Bryconops melanurus
Texas Cichlid - Cichlasoma cyanoguttatum
Thick-Lipped Gourami - Colisa labiosa
Three Spot Eartheater - Geophagus daemon
Three Spot Gourami - Trichogaster trichopterus
Tire Track Eel - Mastacembelus armatus
Two-Spot Pink Bagrid - Mystus micracanthus

“U”
Uaru - Uaru amphicanthiodes
Umbee - Cichlasoma umbriferum

“V”
Vampire Pleco
- Leporacanthicus galaxias

“W”
Warmouth
- Lepomis gulosus
Wimple – Myxocyprinus asiaticus

“Y”
Yellow Tetra - Hyphessobrycon bifasciatus
Yo-yo Loach - Botia lohachata

“Z”
Zipper Loach
- Noemacheilus botia

_____

Note: The author is not responsible for any politically-incorrect interpretation of the above-mentioned pointy-headed piscatorial profanities.

For fun with fish names, pithy piscatorial poseurs, fishtank name-droppers and swim-trunk showoffs are advised to check out: http://www.crickler.com/puzzle20/serenefish.html

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