Wednesday, February 15, 2006

BOUNDLESS & BOUNTIFUL BOREDOME


Or, is ennui part of thee?

Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Professor of Pathetic Prose & Poetry at the widely acclaimed University of Uninspiring Utopia, situated in downtown Camel Hump, Wyoming.

For the past 15 years, leading academics around the globe have focused their attention upon an emerging crisis in the human condition, namely the growing incidence of taedium vitae or the more popular term “ennui”.

Being a connoisseur of all things dazzlingly dull, deliriously deadpan, or just plain pathetic has given me a new perspective on how to pursue the boundless and bountiful opportunities afforded by boredom.


A bore, according to one American writer by the name of Ambrose Bierce[1], is “A person who talks when you wish him to listen.” And in the words of an illustrious leader of the Free-World, George W. Bush, Sr., “What’s wrong with being a boring kind of guy?”[2]

Here are some stunning statistics designed to mesmerize the mind of monotonous types. The gargantuan Google search-engine lists:

  • 8,580,000 web pages devoted to the topic of “boredom”,
  • 181,000 pages identify the characteristics of “boring people”,
  • 17,300 pages highlight “boring places” to live or visit, and
  • 16,000 pages provide all manner of stuff and such about “boring products”.

Speaking of “boring places” to visit, here is a little list of doldrums destinations that will keep those baby-boomer fifth-wheelers busy for the next few years:

  1. Bobo (Alabama)
  2. Unalaska (Alaska)
  3. Turkey Scratch (Arkansas)
  4. Nothing (Arizona)
  5. Booneville (California)
  6. No Name (Colorado)
  7. Moosup (Connecticut)
  8. Hourglass (Deleware)
  9. Sopchoppy (Florida)
  10. Between (Georgia)
  11. Papa (Hawaii)
  12. Beer Bottle Crossing (Idaho)
  13. Kickapoo (Illinois)
  14. Beanblossom (Indiana)
  15. Diagonal (Iowa)
  16. Plainville (Kansas)
  17. Lick Fork (Kentucky)
  18. Zylks (Louisana)
  19. Beans Corner Bingo (Maine)
  20. Boring (Maryland)
  21. Cow Yard (Massachusetts)
  22. Podunk (Michigan)
  23. Nimrod (Minnesota)
  24. SoSo (Mississippi)
  25. Knob Lick (Missouri)
  26. Two-dot (Montana)
  27. Worms (Nebraska)
  28. Pahrump (Nevada)
  29. Bungy (New Hampshire)
  30. Succasunna (New Jersey)
  31. Weed (New Mexico)
  32. Cat Elbow Corner (New York)
  33. Boogertown (North Carolina)
  34. Horace (North Dakota)
  35. Slapout (Oklahoma)
  36. Hicksville (Ohio)
  37. Boring (Oregon)
  38. Drab (Pennsylvania)
  39. Mooseup Valley (Rhode Island)
  40. Round O (South Carolina)
  41. Peever (South Dakota)
  42. Nameless (Tennessee)
  43. Ding Dong (Texas)
  44. Plain City (Utah)
  45. Notown (Vermont)
  46. Ordinary (Virginia)
  47. Zillah (Washington)
  48. Looneyville (West Virginia)
  49. Footville (Wisconsin)
  50. Bill (Wyoming)

For a quick relief from “boredom”, I highly recommend a vicarious visit to the following picayune places on the net. Besides, it’s a whole lot better than wiggling your ears all day long, complaining about the nextdoor neighbor's dog lifting his leg on your petunia plants, or belittling breakthrough discoveries like how to thonk, thwack or thrunch a conundrum quietly in your cubicle.

Without further ado, here are some grand things to lighten your Lilliputian life!

  • For those who can’t get enough apathy in their lives, there’s always another delightful demotivating product waiting to be chosen to sit on your wall, desktop, or door.

  • Those with itchy feet and fidgeting fingers will find relief by picking up a gorgeous giggle gadget like a portable pet tree that fits in your pocket.
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[1] Ambrose Bierce, (1842–1914), definition of a bore; Cynic’s World Book (1906).

[2] George W. Bush Sr., (1924- ) during the campaign for the Republican nomination; in the Daily Telegraph, 28 April 1998.