Sunday, April 23, 2006


Or, all there is to know about becoming a self-proclaimed "Queen of Me"

By Victoria Elizabeth, Her Royal Highness, The Quipping Queen and Empress of Eccentricity, from the esteemed Queendom of Quidnuncs, Quirks, and Quaffers

Being a Queen is royal hoot. There’s never a dull moment. In fact every day there’s something to celebrate, so naturally there’s oodles of hoopla, hurrahs and hullabaloos.

In a world weary with worry and work, having any excuse for a party is a good thing. One need not think that one has to have royal blood to be granted the title of "Queen of the Nile", the "Queen of Sheba" or better yet, the "Queen of Everything".

There are plenty of people who for a few shekels would be willing to put a crown on the head of happy homegrown "Beauty Queen", a cross-dressing "Drag Queen", a cosmic "Karma Queen", a magestic "May Queen", a pretty "Prom Queen", or a quaint "Queen of Hearts".

And in the age of “do-it-yourself”, self-proclaimed titles are de rigueur. As a matter of fact, any feisty female can call herself “Queen Bee” if you please. And those 'Freedom-Fifty Floosies' and 'Mavens of Mirth' looking for something to do, well they’ll always find a plush velvet cushion and the title “Queen Mum” awaiting them in the Red Hat Society.

And, last but not least, for those bodacious if not brash babes who can’t qualify as a “Queen for a Day” contestant, they can always wait for their nemeses to give them a moxie moniker like, “Clutter Queen”, “Drama Queen”, “Eat-Your-Heart-Out Queen”, or “Queen of Do-This-Do-That”.

The only real skill or talent required of a Queen is that she knows how to smile, wave, and walk about graciously in little circles. A royal entourage is optional but with those low self-esteem might want to consider hiring a good image consultant, a publicist, not to mention a renowned plastic surgeon. On second thought, forget about boosting your sagging ego -- just follow majestic Maxine's example and "Yell it like it is!" (some fine whine advice from the "Queen of Attitude" herself)!

It also helps if one has an inordinate amount of time on one's hands and lots of fawning family, friends and functionaries who simply adore any excuse to attend a party. The best occasions usually feature some sucky-face schmoozing, a rather fine spread of gluttonous gourmet grub followed by posh pomp and celebratory cirumstance. I hope you enjoy being on the cover of "People Magazine" or the "National Enquirer"!

When not engaged in egregious entertaining and hobby-horse racing, royal duties may also include the handing out of honorary titles to all manner of twittering types. The greatest challenge seems to be keeping a straight face when presenting the Royal Order of Oinkments to the "Contessa of Capers and Catnaps", the “Countess of the Kazoo”, the “Divine Diva of Disorder”, the “Duchess of Diamonds, Dingbats & Doorknobs”, the “Exalted Keeper of Pandora’s Box and the Key to Royal Powder Room”, the “Goddess of Glitch & Glamour Pussies”, the “Governess of Giggle Gatherings”, the “Grand Dame of Decorum & Didn’t I Tell You So”, the “Jest-in-Time Joy-Sticker”, the “Magistratess of Many Hats”, the “Marquesas of Merriment & Music”, the “Priestess of Purple Passion & Plum Plonk”, the “Princess of Pitfalls & Pratfalls”, the “Sisters of Sweet-Tweet”, the “Temptress of Twats & Twaddle”, the “Top-Notch Toy Boy”, the“Viscountess of Vapid Verbosity”, and the most coveted royal rank of all, “Yes-Man of the Year”.

So next time you come across a lady who is wondering what to do on a boring day, why not suggest she use her imagination, bcome mistress of her own dazzling domain as "Queen of the Sofa", "Queen of Shindigs" or at least "Queen of Something Or Other". And, don’t forget to throw a honking great gala on the cockamamie coronation day, (with an engraved invitation hand-delivered to yours truly)!


"The Queen of Everything" by Mary Engelbreit (as seen above), has even inspired a new society of sassy, spunky naturally it's guessed it The Queen of Everything Society.

And don't forget to check in with another regal type, "Queen Jaw Jaw" (a.k.a. "Queen of Experiences" and "Queen of Boomer Humor"), and author of "A Funny Thing Happenened On the Way to the Throne".


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