Wednesday, April 05, 2006

10 THINGS NOT TO DO IN APRIL


Or, how to enjoy more jocularity

Sherlock Tidpit is a remarkable rumpus-room monitor, and even more impressive, he's a rule-of-thumb rapscallion with a very skewed assessment of reality, (which among other things makes him a very valuable vestigial remnant in the Court of the Quipping Queen).

Does anyone really care about the origin of the fourth month of the Gregorian calendar? Well, mavens and masters of miscellaneous matters certainly do!

This month called “Aprilis”, (from the Latin word “aperire” meaning “to open”) probably has something to do with Pandora’s Box, (...the opening of which on April 1st results in far too many fools coming out to play, and a refusal on the part of governments the world over to declare “April Fools’ Day” a national holiday).

Perhaps starting off on the wrong foot this month, (by putting said foot in one’s mouth or indeed someone else’s), signifies the true meaning of April.

With that in mind, here are ten things that should be avoided at all costs this month.

1. Keeping the company of fools, (as they have a bad habit of falling in love under odd circumstances with very strange people; they also bounce off the walls and blunder about creating havoc just for the fun of it, and last but not least, they rush in where angels fear to tread causing mayhem in the heavenly order of all things great and small).

2. Trying to make timely deposits in to your “Daylight Savings Bank Account", (when you can’t recall if you should move the clock ahead or back one hour).

3. Getting your hands on a jump-for-joy toy so you can join in the “Lava Lamp Day” celebration on April 5th; (…no... a Chia pet, slinky or hoola hoop just won’t do!)

4. Going "hog wild" over a beer called “Moosehead”, (which may spoil the flora and fauna-minded festivities being organized by National Wildlife Societies on April 9th).

5. Howling at the full moon on April 13th; (it may be the “Year of the Dog”, but unless you enjoy living in the doghouse, fetching bones, or barking up the wrong tree for the rest of your doggone life, take my humble advice …just forget!)

6. Harrassing any environmentally-friendly worms, wombats or woodpeckers, (especially on “Earth Day”, April 22nd); hmmm.... so how about some merry mud-slinging or perhaps a bit of mud-wrestling to really get into the spring of things?

7. Entertaining any darling dragons (be they the fire-breathing sort or even those cute little green ones), unless of course you come from Newfoundland and Labrador where they simply adore any excuse for a party, especially on "St. George’s Day", April 23rd).

8. Poaching any Easter Eggs or setting traps for Easter Bunnies, (unless you care to be sued up the ying yang by the sweet treat and toy manufacturing cartel, tarred and feathered by tantrum-throwing tots, or charged by the police and SPCA for wilful cruelty to itty-bitty critters).

9. Telling any jokes about 'civil servants' or Grand Poobahs on "Administrative Professionals Day" - April 26; (you never know when those Big Fish in little ponds may come in handy one day by saving your precious posterior from a fate worse than death…the tax department!)

10. Inquiring as to the whereabouts of a bull when enjoying a spot of tea in a china shop; (while this may tickle the fancy of Taurus types with birthdays this month, do you really want more self-indulgent, slow-moving, stubborn friends in your life?)

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For more about those cute green thingamybobs, check out "Mom Can I Have a Dragon?"

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