THIRTEEN THINGS TO DO ON A BORING DAY

Why only 13?...well that's all I could think of nincompoop!


When the world around you seems to be going to hell in a handbasket, or ... you're tired of figuring out whether there's a tiger in the tank of your gas-guzzling SUV, obsessing over your daily intake of calories or hearing your favorite sports team lose yet again, and quite frankly you couldn't give a sweet tweet about what tie or togs to wear...you definitely need help!

So, take my advice, the first thing to do is just toss the little pink, blue, or yellow and green striped pills for the day. (They really don't match your colorless personality anyway)!

Then, turf your frigging "to do" list. (You have far too many things on it for your addled brain to cope with anyway).

Okay, by now you're probably feeling at least 10 pounds lighter (and don't ask me how many kilograms that is). Just trust me or find some other fairy godmother to guide you through the black hole of nothingness that you've managed to make your home for many moons.

Now we come to the fun part, what can be done with the harsh reality of life? How can we overcome the general ennui associated with the thought of another incredibly boring day ahead of you?

Fear not! Take a deep breath. Exhale and let your mind wander into the land of utterly ridiculous thoughts and actions!

1. Write a spunky motto on your mirror with shaving soap, toothpaste or lipstick...the more irreverent the better!

2. Sing a very naughty song at the top of your lungs while taking your morning shower. (If you don't know any saucy songs...just shout out all the four-letter words you know in your vacuous vocabulary.)

3. Lighten up by wearing your clothes inside out or backwards. (If your wardrobe makes you sick, you could always try making paper cut-outs or even going clothing-optional, provided your pets or prudish neighbors don't mind.)

4. Call in to your office or leave a note for family...telling them that you're taking a serendipity sabbatical. (Don't bother trying to explain what it means...you don't know and they don't care...just as long as you promise to show up tomorrow when the stuff hits the fan.)

4. Invent an imaginary scapegoat friend or pathetically pesky pet for the day with whom you can converse and admonish with glee while in the presence of others. (This works well when shopping, taking a coffee break or simply walking down the street...because it's your day to dump on dorks, dingbats, and dweebs!)

5. Go on a water taste-testing day by ordering a single glass of 'aqua viva' in restaurants of your own choosing. (This is a great way to see if your server is hospitable and is in possession of a funnybone. When you have finished your liquid lunch, leave a modest tip and provide the restaurant with a brief evaluation of your taste test on the napkin provided. Be sure to sign it...that way it looks really professional.)

6. Smile, wave enthusiastically to strangers and speak in Pig-Latin to all manner of critters you come across. (Who knows, maybe one of them will be inspired by your brainless droppings and weird antics.)

7. Go to your nearest toy store and take a peek at all the stuff. (Pick up something you can play with for the day...like a water pistol, bubble mix, or a kite kit).

8. Visit your library and ask them if they have any stories about pet rocks, slinkies, silly putty, and hoola hoops. (If they are stymied by your request...go to the children's section, pull a book off the shelf and read it aloud...you're bound to get a crowd!)

9. Show up at your local community centre to register for the International Tiddlywink Tournament. (If they haven't got a clue what you're talking about...offer to organize it and sign up people as they walk in the door. What a great schmoozing opportunity!)

10. Mail a blank piece of paper to a select list of "impossible" people in your life. (It's a wonky way to remind you that it's time to remove them from your Christmas and Valentine card list!)

11. Take a bus ride, admire the scenery and ask the driver and passengers how to climb the Eiffel Tower, locate the leaning Tower of Pisa and find the yellow-brick road to Emerald City. (Don't forget to buy a day-long ticket...heck they might even give you a piece of gum, a bit of candy or some unsolicited advice...just to get rid of you!)

12. Visit your favorite local grocery store and pidgeon hole a bakery clerk. (Then inquire where you can find a "humble pie", what's in it, who makes the best one, and the name of a celebrity, a grand pooh bah, or high muck-a-muck who has actually eaten humble pie successfully).

13. Stand on a street corner with a clip board in hand soliciting signatures for the privitization of public loos. (This will put you in good stead with those who are looking for ways to fix things that aren't broken or create silk purses out of sow's ears).

If at the end of this day, you can remember your name, where you live, and your merry-making mission here on planet earth...consider this day a success. After all, it's not everyone who can "go bonkers" for a day, live to tell their titillating tale, and recommend other jolly-challenged folk (like you) to take this jaunty journey to who knows where.

__________

If you just adore finding really neat things to do while waiting for Godot to arrive... then just mosey on down to your local toy store and pick up a hilarious new game called, "THINS" (Humor-in-a-Box), or order it on-line at http://www.thingsthegame.com