Monday, October 25, 2004


Or, wabbit hunting is for wimps

by Theolonius McTavish, one whose abiding interests include obscure interpretations of "The Good Ship Lollipop", biodegradable hexagons, "Sleep Country" mattresses, and the origin of the fox trot

Some say that the world is being overrun by far too many rabbits -- Oswald the Rabbit, Roger the Rabbit, Bugs Bunny not to mention all manner of wretched little Easter Bunnies. If that’s so, then “wabbit hunting” is sure to become a growth opportunity for outfitters, guides, and taxidermists or for those catering to the Saturday morning cartoon-rerun crowd.

On the other hand, some suggest that it requires neither courage nor skill to outwit a bouncy, four-legged, floppy-eared thing with a twitchy pink nose. They hold the popular view that the only reason these critters exist is to keep wimpy warriors safe if not sound and give the wicked wenches something to cook besides tasteless toads.

Those with the “right stuff” know that the "real action" in life comes from slaying dragons, mashing monsters or trouncing trolls. For a change of pace, there’s always the chance of saving the odd damsel-in-distress or two, just to keep a fellow feeling needed on his day off.

As fate would have it however, "real men" have done such a bang up job of eradicating the big brutes over the past few centuries, there's precious little to tick off on their “to do” lists. No more tales to impress long-lost lovers. No more battering rams to strike fear into the hearts of those wanting to grab a guy's favorite parking spot.

Diversions such as a daring game of snakes and ladders, extreme-tiddlywinks and no-holds-barred croquet simply won't cut it any longer. And, with no dragons, monsters or trolls around to hunt, clearly something had to be done before the fickle finger of fate intervened.

The possibility that the woosies, or heaven forbid the thought that the wenches might take over and -- put an end to hunting, close the pleasure palaces, not to mention declare peace in the Garden of Eden -- obviously did not sit too well with the macho-merengue types. This scenario was not an option! So, there wasn't a moment to lose if a hunky dory outcome was to be engineered!

That’s why “The Academy of Arcane Stuff & Tricky Things” stepped in to offer a silver-tongued solution to this perplexing problem. Needless to say, after much consolation, consultation, and a few stiff drinks...the ivory-tower icons got together with several baron-of-beef business buddies and a couple of pleased-as-punch politicians who all agreed on one thing -- the need for a plan.

This was a tall order however since the gurus had only ever prepared "pomp and circumstance" pieces of piffle. Would they be able to produce anything but the usual five-inch-thick, two-volume, color-coordinated, bound-set of embossed tomes typically found languishing on bookshelves propping up the dust bunnies? This time, a miracle was in order. Nothing less than a "Master-Plan" with a "pithy purpose, pliable priorities, and oodles of prizes" would do thank you.

So, after forty days of peripatetic pondering in the seclusion of the "Hundred Acre Wood", (including 960 hours of going around in little circles, and 39 nights of counting sheep), they came up with a groundbreaking, politically-incorrect 'man-power' strategy (affectionately known as Plan-B).

Although the stupendous plan was woefully short on details, at least the election of an awe-inspiring 'Grand Pooh-Bah of Everything Important in the Universe' was hailed as a neat way to boost the flagging morale of the lads. On second thought, it might also have had something to do with giving the bureaucrats plenty of time to sharpen their pencils, or just an excuse to haggle over the best bang-for-the-buck on how to save the world from the scourge of wimps and woosies.

If the devil is in the details, then they surely must have been lost forever in the small print of all this blessed bumpf. And for those who missed out on the Grand Thoughts About Nothing Summit of Great Minds, there's still time to sign up for courses like "Where to Find the Best Haycorns", "Useful Pots to Keep Things In", and “Knowledge Management for Bears of Very Little Brain”.

After all, who in their right mind could refuse a misspelled engraved invitation to a seminar on "Hunny-Making Tips", a CD sampler of Popular Hip-Hop Hums not to mention a "smackeral of something" around 11 o'clock, plus a client feedback form covered with those ubiquitous smiley faces, and an autographed personal copy of Plan-B?

No doubt prozac-popping Poohs, materialistically-challenged Rabbits, anxiety-disordered Piglets, donky-depressive Eeyores, hyper-active Tiggers, brilliant but dyslexic Owls, single-parenting Kangas with at-risk Roos and detached-personality Christopher Robins will find these amusing activities just a tad taxing on their simple cerebellums.

By the way, play-with-your-food fanatics, petting zoo herbivores, and wee wabbit workers should definitely consider a career change. According to Plan B, "Our mighty man-power strategy guarantees a marvellous, bright, new future for MANkind, especially those who pursue a challenging eco-adventure career in the emerging field of heffalump and woozle hunting." Oh won’t that be fun tiddley pom! Another gold star, tiddley pom. Ho hum tiddley pom.

Lesson from Hundred Acre Wood: If one whistles long enough while digging a Deep Pit to trap a heffalump or one wanders aimlessly about in the wilderness with a pot of honey to catch a woozle, one's definition of the elusive critters will vary with the weather, one's appetite, and the volatility of the Animal Kingdom Happiness Index (AKHI).


Mindful munchkinds may also be interested pursuing further studies of Pooh and Friends such as "The Pooh Perplex", and "Post-Modern Pooh", not to mention the ever-popular philosophical mind-benders, the Tao of Pooh and the Te of Piglet.

For the really keen folk (with very wonky funnybones) who dearly need to know everything about nothing, do check out "Pathology in the Hundred Acre Wood: a neurodevelopmental perspective on A.A. Milne" .

And for those with a transcendental appreciation of life, take a peek at Jason Arbaugh-Twitty's article, "Pooh of Walden Pond"


At 5:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I rather enjoy the Hundred Acre Wood, and I am a piglet by nature and i surely dont suffer from some anxiety disorder or pill pop either. I'd rather read the TAO of POOH and the TE of Piglet. A much more "enlightening" read by far.

Why do people feel the need to label, degrade and analyze every little thing we ONCE held sacred for Children and everyone who grew up in the Hundred Acre Wood.



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