Thursday, July 21, 2005


Or, how to avoid doing things you shouldn’t be doing in your backyard

By Aphrodite Beamish, a half-witted, hey-nonny-nonny harridan and makeover maven of bliss-challenged, breathtakingly bewildering if not botched-up backyards of America

The dog days of summer are clearly upon us, judging from the plethora of pesky pets and people gadding about in the nooky-conscious neighborhoods of America.

Statistics say, (and you known those nifty numbers never lie), that seven out of ten Americans prefer to spend their leisure time lollygagging at home rather than lusting out and about in the dens of impropriety and iniquity. So, if the ‘moral majority’ is just a tad hot and bothered this summer, it’s not surprising that 84% also want to “revitalize their outdoor living space” (provided they haven’t gone bankrupt remodeling the kitchen and renovating the bathroom).

For those with decadent dreams and a dismal credit rating, the following advice will warm the cockles of your heart (more than a new hot tub, patio heater, or a blinking barbecue).

Here are the top ten things not to do in your backyard this summer:

  1. Do not make your back nine more “wilderness-friendly”; (we already have far too many Big Birds, Pink Elephants, and One-Eyed-One-Horned-Flying-Purple-People-Eaters schlepping around sampling pet bowls for freebie eats and drinks than urban dwellers can cope with).
  2. Avoid extreme fantasy recreation or humungous backyard sports (like Tiddlywinks’ Tournaments, Toe-Wrestling Competitions, and Classic Hopscotch Games which cause far too many injuries to adults who enjoy acting like kids, Billy goats, and jungle-gym bunnies).
  3. Squelch the need to showcase one’s nincompoop avocations, (whether they involve the storage of rusted relics and recycled refuse including pitted pick-up trucks, beaten-up bikes, limp lawn-mowers, well-worn what’s-its, whatever’s, or whatnots).
  4. Hold off on organizing a “Backyard Blue-Movie Night”, (unless you’re ready to provide oodles of finger foods, fizzy drinks, and fashion eye-wear for Freedom-Fifty-Five Club members).
  5. Refrain from erecting pretentious potties, outrageous outhouses, or loud latrines to experience that “happy camper” feeling of days gone by, (unless you also want to provide your high-and-mighty neighbors with clothes pegs for their noses).
  6. Exercise caution in conducting “controlled barbecue burning”, (unless of course you have a comprehensive insurance policy that covers carcinogenic-cooking incidents).
  7. Forget about mulching and manure spreading to improve the productivity of your carnivorous plants, (you already have one too many Venus Flytraps as it is).
  8. Steer clear of pools, ponds, and pinking shears; (you haven’t learned to walk on water yet and Green Thumb pruning is not exactly your forte unless “limbless” is in this year).
  9. "Creative Taxidermy" has its place (but erotic garden ornaments of titillating trolls, pleasant pixies, and feisty frogs is probably not such a good idea in your neck of the woods).
  10. Dodge the notion of building a backyard bunker to escape the bothersome bugs (be they pesky pets, petulant people, or plague-challenged pests… just tell everyone and everything you don’t like to “Buzz Off” or you’ll be obliged to call in the folks from RAID).

So now that you’ve got the TOP TEN DON’TS …get cracking on what you can do with your boring backyard. After all, anything is better than living another day with that egads eyesore! And before breaking out the booze to celebrate your fun-loving fantasyland, BEWARE OF BACKYARD BOZOS - BUNGLING IS AS BUNGLING DOES.


For more details about what to do with your breathtakingly boring backyard, please feel free to visit:

What would a backyard be without a bleeping weather map of the entire planet --


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