Monday, July 11, 2005


Or Quite Simply..."Go Granny Go"!

By Aphrodite Beamish, a sexagenarian siren with a penchant for candy kisses, pink girdles, and black fishnet stockings (among other delightful diversions denied to most gadflies who’ve been declared "daffy ding-a-lings" or “door-knob dunderheads” by all glee-impaired generations)

According to Webster, (a wicked if not witless wordsmith), a “granny” is “a fussy person”. Others refer to her as a "Shrew", a "Sourpuss" or possibly a "Supreme Snit-Face".

Clearly, “granny” ranks right up there together with all the other pejorative terms used to describe women of a certain age as being “a hag”, “a harridan” or just “a handful”. With few endearing qualities or redeeming features, it’s not surprising that there are so many unpleasant things associated with “grannies”. Just take a look.

First, there's the “granny knot” (responsible for creating more than a few tongue-tied folk with twisted knickers). Second, there's the well-known "granny lane" (where all the putzes with puddle-jumpers hang out or else hug the shoulder for dear life). Then there's the infamous “granny dress”, (a long sack worn by those whose boobs have fallen by the wayside, whose hips ressemble those of a heffalump, or whose flat feet now fit nicely into army boots). And last but not least, there's the god-awful “granny suite”, (a quaint place where offspring lodge their mother because the dog-house is aldready occupied).

For the benefit of those “freedom-fifty females” out there who do not want to sit in a rocking chair, knit wooly hats, and listen to crooners from days gone by – toss your grumps, groans and gripes. It’s time to gird your luscious loins, grab your giddy-up-and-go attitude, and give your gorgeous gutsy head a shake!

Here’s your list of top ten things to do to become a “flamboyant fickle floozie”, a “happy hook-line-and sinker”, or a “tantalizing tart with a heart”:

1. Buy a boa (the bigger the better and the most colorful one on the rack, because this one has your name on it ...“Burlesque Babe”, "Buxom Baroness" or "Blue-Movie Queen"!)

2. Borrow the most erotic novel you can find in the library (then you know it’s passed the censure’s test in case the kids ask – and carry it conspicuously everywhere you go – it’ll be a great ice-breaker and hot conversation piece at any capricious cafe or captivating cocktail party!)

3. Beguile a child to lend you a sparkly magic wand and tiara, plus one rubber toad (these are “must have” ingredients for turning nice young men with tight buns into Princes at midnight; they’re also a visible reminder to nasty nitwits of what’s in store for them if they so much as think a naughty thought or talk back to the Queen of Quips, Quirks & Quidnuncs!)

4. Check out your nearest hunting and fishing club (it's the only place to shoot the breeze or shoot the bull with the best blowhards and feisty fly-catchers in town!)

5. Visit a shoe-store and pick out the best pair of glass slippers you can lay your eyes on (if they don’t have any in stock, ask who makes the best brand …because you need to replace the pair of steel-toed stilettos you misplaced at Binky's Ball last year).

6. Put on your dancing duds, turn down the lights, and crank up the mood music (listen up there “Goody-Two-Shoes” …how can you meet Mr. Right unless your neighbors know you’re one very potent party-animal who simply adores the dog-trot, the dog-paddle, or better yet …a daring dog-catcher!)

7. Sign up for some high-energy hoopla (you know … the steamy, strut your stuff, svelte exercise programs such as private pole-dancing, strip-tease yoga, and winking for wimps!)

8. Learn to play golf (it’s the only time you can talk about balls with great abandon, rent a cute-looking caddy for the day, a carry a long club without any questions asked, or just knock the socks off the other fellows in your foursome as one very spicy, sophisticated, sultry, swinger from Shady Lane!)

9. Practice your pillow-talking skills (by whispering sweet nothings to an admirer your pet rock; that way you’ll constrain your crazy urge to finger paint your front door and be ready to meet Prince Charming, disguised as a shoe clerk, who's eager you try on that little glass slipper silly!)

10. Memorize some provacative parlour pick-up lines (like “Okay, if I shake MY Booty, then will you come out and play?” “Granny Smith doesn’t live here …but if you’re Johnny Appleseed …I’ll show a you good time in my Garden of Eden”, “Keep ringing my chimes like that and I’ll have to call the Big Bopper on you!”)

And if this doesn't work for you, take a hint from one wisewoman with a wishbone -- run out and join the circus. After all, who wouldn't want a couple of "boisterous broads" to liven up the greatest side show on earth!


For some great giggle great gifts for grannies (just make sure there are no crazy coots, old codgers or cantankerous curmudgeons hanging around to spoil the fun) -- check out this spunky site:

And if you're looking for a loopy libertine to accompany you on an entertaining outing, forget Mother Hubbard, Little Red Riding Hood's grandma, or the Old Woman who lives in a shoe! Just click your heels together, rub a metal flask, or better yet ...wish upon a star ... and the "Queen of Quips, Quirks & Quidnuncs" might just make your dipsy-doodle dream come true!

The Quipping Queen had this to say when asked by this reporter what are her most important attributes: "I walk on water, skate on thin ice, and make things out of thin air ...And you do what for a living?"

The Naughty Lady from Shady Lane when asked what constitutes the fountain of youth replied: "I believe in the body-mind-spirit approach to nutrition consisting mainly of Swiss chocolate (to feed the brain), whipped cream (to flex the mouth muscles), and a bottle of Mum's champagne (a bit of bubbly to aid digestion of course)."

The Posterior-Pinching-Pixie from Penzance when asked by this reporter to reveal what led her into the den of propinquity with other wee folk, she replied "Mum said I was a beautiful baby; Dad told me I was a brilliant bluestocking, and my first grade teacher suggested that I take up a career that left others bewitched, bothered and bewildered ... need I say more?"


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