CANOODLING WITH A CANUCK IN A CANOE?

Or, Ahem ...Welcome to Climax, Saskatchewan!

By Theolonius McTavish, a kilted Celt with an aversion to bombastic bagpipe players, Blarney stone kissers, and boisterous beer drinkers

Canada is a pretty straight-laced, peaceful place, where seldom is heard a discouraging word and the skies are not cloudy all day, except for eleven and a half months of the year affectionately called "winter", (when everyone goes inside for a break from the bugs, barking dogs, or far too many exposed bosoms and buttocks -- euphemistically referred to as "bare essentials").

So, one might casually ask ... if the deer and antelope are casually prancing about on the back forty, while beavers are bustling around building dams all day long, and a few blessed birds are freezing their tails off busking for a living in downtown Toronto ...what pray tell are the citizens of this fine country doing to have a good time (besides playing hockey ...or hooky as the case may be)?

Well, judging from the pleasantly playful yet provocative placenames dotting the deepfreeze landscape called Canada, perhaps the reader will be able judge just what pastimes pique the curiosity of a Canuck.

• Ass Hill (Newfoundland)
• Bareneed (Newfoundland)
• Bath (New Brunswick)
• Begin (Quebec)
• Beamsville, Ontario
• Belly River (Alberta)
• Big Bras d’Or (Nova Scotia)
• Billy Butts Pond (Newfoundland)
• Blissville (New Brunswick)
• Bonanza (Alberta)
• Buttonville (Ontario)
• Carrying Place (Ontario)
• Chance Harbour (Nova Scotia)
• Chase (British Columbia)
• Cherryville (British Columbia)
• Come-By-Chance (Newfoundland)
• Comfort Cove (Newfoundland)
• Community Punch Bowl (Alberta)
• Conception Harbour (Newfoundland)
• Conquest (Saskatchewan)
• Crotch Lake (Ontario)
• Cruise Lake (Ontario)
• Cupids (Newfoundland)
• Curve Lake (Ontario)
• Dipper Harbour (Newfoundland)
• Dixville (Quebec)
• Ebb and Flow (Manitoba)
• Exploits River (Newfoundland)
• Fascination Mountain (British Columbia)
• Fanny Bay (British Columbia)
• Fertile (Saskatchewan)
• Finger (Manitoba)
• Flat Top (Yukon Territories)
• Forget (Saskatchewan)
• Fortune (Newfoundland)
• Freedom (Alberta)
• Fruitvale (British Columbia)
• Funnybone Lake (Ontario)
• Fox Roost (Newfoundland)
• Gander (Newfoundland)
• Good Neighbour Peak (Yukon Territories)
• Grande Entrée (Québec)
• Ha! Ha! Baie des (Québec)
• Halfmoon Bay (British Columbia)
• Halfway Point (Newfoundland)
• Happy Adventure (Newfoundland)
• Happy Valley-Goose Bay (Newfoundland)
• Happyland (Ontario)
• Havelock (Quebec)
• Heart’s Content (Newfoundland)
• Heart’s Delight (Newfoundland)
• Heart’s Desire (Newfoundland)
• Holdfast (Saskatchewan)
• Honey Harbour (Ontario)
• Hooker Mountain (British Columbia)
• Hooping Harbour (Newfoundland)
• Hope (British Columbia)
• Kinkora (Prince Edward Island)
• Lady Slipper (Prince Edward Island)
• Lapland (Nova Scotia)
• Leading Tickles (Newfoundland)
• Liberty (Saskatchewan)
• Likely (British Columbia)
• Little Seldom (Newfoundland)
• Lively (Ontario)
• Love (Saskatchewan)
• Lucifer Mountain (Alberta)
• Lucky Lake (Saskatchewan)
• Lucky Man (Saskatchewan)
• Lulu Island (British Columbia)
• Lushes Bight (Newfoundland)
• Ma-Me-O Beach (Alberta)
• Manyberries (Alberta)
• Meat Cove (Nova Scotia)
• Mermaid (Prince Edward Island)
• Middlesex (Ontario)
• Mink Cove (Nova Scotia)
• Monkland (Ontario)
• Moonbeam (Ontario)
• Newbliss (Ontario)
• Nipawin (Saskatchewan)
• Nipissing (Ontario)
• Nippers Harbour (Newfoundland)
• Nojack (Alberta)
• Nottawa (Ontario)
• Nun’s Island (Prince Edward Island & Quebec)
• Nuttby (Nova Scotia)
• Overflowing River (Manitoba)
• Paradise Point (Ontario)
• Peel (Ontario)
• Pilot Butte (Saskatchewan)
• Pilot Mound (Manitoba)
• Pincher (Alberta)
• Pitt Meadows (British Columbia)
• Pleasantville (Ontario)
• Plenty (Saskatchewan)
• Plum Point (Newfoundland)
• Precious Corners (Ontario)
• Punkeydoodles Corners (Ontario)
• Rapid City (Manitoba)
• Resolute (Nunavut)
• Rosebud (Alberta)
• Rough Top (Yukon Territories)
• Sackville (Nova Scotia)
• St. Jones Within, St. Jones Without (Newfoundland)
• Saint Noel (Québec)
• Sandy Hook (Manitoba)
• Seldom (Newfoundland)
• Sexsmith (Alberta)
• Shag Harbour (Nova Scotia)
• Skookumchuck (British Columbia)
• Smuts (Saskatchewan)
• Snug Haven (Ontario)
• South Dildo (Newfoundland)
• Stag Harbour (Newfoundland)
• Starbuck (Manitoba)
• Star City (Saskatchewan)
• Stupendous Mountain (British Columbia)
• Success (Saskatchewan)
• Sugar Loaf (Nova Scotia)
• Sweet Bay (Newfoundland)
• Sweetland (Nova Scotia)
• Thumb Island (Northwest Territories)
• Tickle Beach, Tickle Cove, Tickle Harbour (Newfoundland)
• Tidal (Manitoba)
• Tiger Lily (Alberta)
• Toogood Arm (Newfoundland)
• Twin Butte (Alberta)
• Unity (Saskatchewan)
• Virgin Arm (Newfoundland)
• Washabuck Centre (Nova Scotia)
• Welcome (Ontario)
• Whim Road (Prince Edward Island)
• Wild Bight, Wild Cove (Newfoundland)
• Winkler (Manitoba)
• Zero Lake (Ontario)
• Zippermouth Lake (British Columbia)

Now, having perused this picturesque placename list, put your imagination on hold for a moment.

Never ever ask a Canadian where they’re from; they adore keeping strangers in the dark (along with other things like mother-in-laws, monster mashers and mushrooms). Stop fretting and just remember -- there’s a fun-loving, party animal lurking somewhere beneath that thick skin, fur coat, and titillating tail!

So get on your sparkly duds and dancing shoes, crank up the mood music, and fire-up the microwave for a platter of McCain’s latest piquant-flavored Pizza-Pops! And if a Canuck should ever invite you for a ride in a canoe ...bring along an extra paddle, a box of popcorn and don't forget to say "Cheese please!" (before snapping the unforgettable photo of that smart-looking Sasquatch!)

__________

Perhaps it's by chance, but a lot of those saucy, sizzling, and spicy...or more to the point slightly suggestive yet memorable monkeyshine monikers come from Newfoundland. And if you heard the folks from this feisty bit of terra ferma, you'd know their accent, not to mention their vocabulary was indubitably indelicate if not incomprehensibly improper. For more on this merry matter, please pick up a copy of the "Dictionary of Newfoundland English" (a 700-page, long-winded, little bit of scholarly bedside reading material with some simply stirring references to fish and seals). Order a copy online from: www.amazon.com or www.chapters.indigo.ca

If you haven't got the patience to wade through this terrific tiny tome, then you might enjoy the following tasty tidbits of "Newfie-speak", (the local lingo that baffles folks "from away"):

• "Do you have a slut in the kitchen?" ... Of course he replied, "My slut has an extra large bottom so she boils faster." (SLUT is slang for a kettle).

• "I think I'll to a little twacking later." (TWACKING is slang for window-shopping.)

• "The arse is out of it." (Translation: The plan went wrong.)

• "He smokes like a tilt." (TILT is slang for a chimney).

• "You can't leave Newfoundland without a spotted dick", the middle-aged waitress replied after a midday meal in St. John's, Newfoundland. (DICK is slang for the makings of a rather fine dessert, or in detailed terms -- a piece white cake spotted with partridgeberries.)

• "Are you crooked?" (Translation: Are you upset?)