CRACKER-JACK JOB TITLES

Or, jest-in-time jobs you’ll never forget any time soon!

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D., a graduate of the University of Gleed (in the Village of Thribble) with a scholarly degree in Agathokakological Studies (The Ancient Art of Mingling Good and Evil), with time to waste conducting research into odd job titles you hadn’t even a clue existed until this moment of mirth and merriment

In spite of the fact that we live in a world filled with high-tech gadgets, gizmos, and gewgaws, there are still a few witless words of wonderment that remain to tickle the odd funnybone or two.

While political correctness may protect sensitive eyes and ears, there is perhaps one exception. It seems that the International Society of Sanitized Spin-Doctors & Politically-Correct Polyglots has not yet tackled the perplexing realm of occupational titles.

Perhaps the Department of Double-Think, not to mention their confreres, (the authors of “Websters’ First New Intergalactic Wickedary of the English Language”) have not yet figured out what to do with those rather colorful if not highly questionable job postings that appear from time to time in the “help wanted” columns of daily newspapers.

Thanks to impeccable records kept by recruiters, labor market analysts, and occupation classification specialists, we now have a host of artful appellations deserving of an extreme make-over, or at the very least, a moderate face-lift.

The following list of jestful jargon, although by no means complete, focuses on a variety of joshing jobs beginning with the first two letters of the alphabet.

No doubt the daunting task of destroying the dastardly double-entendres in the world of work will be right up the alley for our esteemed politicians, pundits, professionals not to mention other esteemed members of the politically-correct public who are devoted to ensuring our health and happiness (along with Dr. Phil and Big Bird of course).

Here’s a glimpse of a few genuine job titles that may bring a few giggles to readers but putting them on a resume, well that's another matter. All appear courtesy of the U.S. Department of Labor (who publish them in a tiny titillating tome entitled ...what else but the one and only, Dictionary of Occupational Titles).

• Apron Scratcher
• Assembler - Wet-Wash
• Automatic Screw-Machine Operator
• Balling-Machine Operator, Ball-Racker, Ball-Sorter, Ball-Warper Tender, Ball-Winder
• Bladder Changer, Bladder Trimmer
• Beam Doffer, Beamer, Beaming Inspector, Beam Press Operator, Beam-Warper
• Bean Dumper
• Beater (Lead and Head), Beater Engineer, Beating Machine Operator
• Beck Tender
• Bed Rubber, Bed Worker
• Belly Builder, Belly Roller, Belly Wringer
• Belt Notcher
• Bender, Hand
• Blind Hooker
• Blow-Off Worker, Blow-Pit Helper, Blower Room Attendant
• Bobbin Stripper, Bobbitter
• Body Presser
• Bonderizer, Bonding Machine Operator
• Booking Prizer
• Boomboat Operator
• Boring Mill Operator (Vertical and Horizontal)
• Bosom Presser
• Bottomer, Bottom Bleacher, Bottom Brusher, Bottom Buffer, Bottom Filler, Bottom-Maker, Bottom-Nailer, Bottom-Polisher, Bottom-Pounder, Bottom Precipitator Operator, Bottom-Presser, Bottoming Room Inspector/Supervisor, Bottom-Scrubber, Bottom-Stainer
• Box Icer, Box-Shook Patcher, Box Strapper, Box Wrapper
• Brain-Picker
• Breaker-Off, Breaker Tender, Break-Off Worker, Break-Up Machine Operator
• Breast Buffer, Breast Finisher, Breast Sawyer, Breast Worker
• Brick Unloader Tender
• Brim Buster, Brim Greaser, Brim Pouncing Machine Operator
• Bucker, Bucket Chucker
• Bulldogger, Bull-Gang Supervisor, Bull-Riveter
• Bump Grader Operator, Bumper Operator
• Buncher, Bunch-Breaker
• Bung Driver, Bung Dropper, Bung Grader, Bung Remover, Bunghole Borer
• Burring Machine Operator
• Butt-Maker, Butt-Presser, Butt-Trimmer
• Button-Clamper, Button Riveter, Button-Reclaimer
• Buzzle Buffer

And for those of you who can’t wait for the next installment of hooey in need of a hygienic hand, here’s a taste of the titillating titles in store for you -- a Hob-Grinder, a Precision Lap Hand, and a Nipple Machine Operator.

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For a more comprehensive compendium of cracker-jack jobs, please consult the online version of the Dictionary of Occupational Titles published by the U.S. Department of Labor, http://www.occupationalinfo.org/dot_index.html