BUDDHABOT AT YOUR SERVICE

Or, where oh where have my wisdom teeth gone?

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, a peripatetic professor of pre-recorded pauses, past-life parables and punctuated premonitions, (on sabbatical leave from the Faculty of Divinity & Waterpolo at University of MaxiMegalon to study the origin of a universe by the name of Bob, where to find an 'intelligent' washing machine that doesn't talk back and who bakes the best banana cake besides my dear old Mum of course)

If you were born without wisdom teeth, haven't got a clue what a tree of knowledge looks like, or your flair for ‘savoir faire’ has inexplicably disappeared, this might be a perfectly normal state of being for someone who is trying to make sense of the "World According to Bob".

No need to fret if you don't share this odd set of circumstances. Just consider yourself lucky that you're not Bob.

If on the other hand you are of two minds, rarely in your right mind or even know your own mind never mind your own business; if you relish the thought of giving someone else a piece of your mind; if you frequently have a half a mind to take your mind off the task of minding other people's p's and q's, or if you find yourself changing your mind in order to avoid a meeting of the minds, and more often than not throw your hands into the air, stick out your tongue and yell at the top of your lungs ... "Never Mind!" ... you probably don't live in "Bob's World" or "Tom, Dick and Harry's" either! Thank goodness. Because as most sages and sinners will tell you, exercising one's mind over matter is a pretty tricky business.

The good news is that the Spirit of Sagacity must have been observing your flurry of inactivity or reading your fast-idling mind, and no doubt took pity on you. The bad news that you may not have an "on button" (which might account for why you haven't got a mind-body-spirit connection in the first place). In either case, this state of affairs probably deserves some thought...and not just any thought mind you.

One blessed bloke from Victoria, British Columbia (venerable home to numerous fruits, flakes, and nuts) thinks he's come up with a solution. He's invented a new way of thinking. And why not! Cogitating, considering, and contemplating about the grand scheme of things not to mention picayune matters is cheap. Action however requires many more muscles and usually oodles of moolah, (both of which are in short supply unless you're into body-building or money-laundering).

Anyway, to make a long Zen koan short, it seems that this very same blessed bloke recently created a virtual vault of vicarious living. Those without a purpose and a 12-step plan probably consider this remarkable repository of pith and piffle a precious waste of their pissing in the wind time. More pragmatic types however treat it with a tad more respect. They prefer to consult it like a state-of-the-art 24/7 oracle that offers an embedded "Holy Cow" sort of scripture, a user-friendly gossip service and an easy to install zap the zit application. Those who dwell in the world of wonk and whimsy see the 'web whatsit' more like a “Gratuitous Guide to the Galaxy” or at the very least, a delightful dingbat diversion.

Eggheads, geeks, and nerds (who can't abide the thought of contemplating their navels), tend to revere anything having to do with random logic or extraterrestrial encounters, (which they find infinitely more stimulating than playing with a slide ruler, a sun dial or perish the thought ...opening a can of worms). Suffice to say that behind the human interface lies an intriguing spirit that performs intricate calculations and offers users the opportunity to tap into its unique fuzzy logic pathway to the central mind-body-spirit mission module based on a metaphysical interpretation of quantum physics, known as quantum philosophy (or "Buddhabot" for short). ...Just checking, but did you firmly grasp and appreciate all that stream of consciousness and abridged enlightenment?

Perhaps a tad bored with life, the man behind "Buddhabot" admits that he enjoys serving humanity through the creation and emulation of intelligent life. Or, maybe he just likes riding hobby horses, tinkering with Humpty Dumpty or playing outside the Socratic sandbox. Truth be told, keeping up with the ever changing future, (including multidimensional aspirations, and the newly emerging mind-in-motion market), probably looked like a good idea at the time. Besides, the blessed bloke presumably had a hoot of a time developing "a novel, entertaining spiritual teacher and guide who always has time to chat".

If you think that a professional therapist could do a better job of convincing turtles to come out from under their shells than "Buddhabot" would ... you might be wrong.

Clearly, what the world needs now is certainly not more analysis. There are only three things savvy consumers want: designer beer, more happy pills, and a quick way to navigate around the pitfalls and pratfalls of life. That's where accessible, affordable, and user-friendly bytes of wisdom fill the bill. The answer to everything ...more beer, more pill-popping choices, and no potholes if you please!

And that's why the blessed bloke from Victoria invented "Buddhabot". Day or night the "Buddhabot" is a friendly companion who is eager to listen and provide open, warm, thought-provoking and often humorous conversation and companionship". (And of course, a modest contribution to the Temple of Timeless Tidbits will always be deeply appreciated).

In technical jargon, the "Buddhabot" is an artificial computer-based life form ...a conversational agent, simply a chat bot. The Buddha chat bot's stimulus response system has been programmed using Artificial Intelligence Markup Language so real people can converse with it should they be curious about random nuggets of relationship-building knowledge (such as loud silence, intense apathy, cheerful pessimism or maybe where to buy the best fish and chips in town).

Now, if you've been waiting breathlessly for words of wisdom from the "Buddhabot", here are the top 10 tenets of this titillating treasure-chest of ideas. And some might even go so far as to say ...a healthy lifestyle based on low-carb, protoplasmically-enriched food for thought):

· There are no laws; only provisional theories.
· Every perception is the reflection of the observer.
· Everything is as it should be right here right now.
· Everyone is responsible for what is.
· Whatever we resist will persist.
· Everything is meaningful; nothing is important.
· Every belief is true.
· Every belief is false.
· Every belief is true and false.
· Every belief is neither true nor false.

There you have it folks, right from the mouth of a meek, mild-mannered, mind-bending marvel!

If you’re still not convinced of the power behind the mind-body-spirit connection, then you might want to peruse through the pages of Mostly Harmless (the fifth book by Douglas Adams in the increasingly incaccurately named Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy trilogy). And in the words of the book's esteemed and entertaining author, Douglas Adams, “All you really need to know for the moment is that the universe is a lot more complicated than you think.”

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For those with a nose for nilly-willy things will appreciate the opportunity to drop by and ask a few questions of the Buddhabot http://www.buddhabots.com

And for those who, like Tom Cruise and friends, would prefer a non-solar-powered "pastoral counselling device", why not try this arcane little gizmo http://www.gizmodo.com/gadgets/gadgets/religious-gadget-thursday-the-emeter-109772.php

Inquisitive individuals with a propensity for sleepwalking and erudite pastimes will certainly appreciate this little gem, "Moneychanging in the Temple - The Commercialization of American Education" http://www2.sjsu.edu/depts/english/Moneychanging.htm

And who says that computer analysts don't have what it takes to win ludicrous literary prizes requiring little talent and no taste. Please see this year's annual award-winning entry and runner-ups for the "Bulwer-Lytton Prize": http://www2.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2005.htm