WANTED: CANDLEWASTERS, CLODPLATES & CLUMPERTONS

Or, how to be an effective workless wunderkin

By Adrian Air-of-Sleat, an idle-brain specialist with the world-renowned, virtually vacuous research firm of Gull, Growtnoll & Moonling*


Are you hot and bothered? Is your workplace a happy spot to hang out?

If you don’t know and have to ask, “what do you mean by ‘hot and bothered’?” or “how do you define ‘happy’?” it’s definitely time for a little soothing, lean-witted, idle-brain therapy.

At the very least, you could read the following bit of bewitching bumpf. It’s a lot less onerous than studying the Holy Scriptures, worshiping the hoofs of a sacred cow, or grasping Pirsig's perplexing koans and clutchless conundrums in his monumental mastepiece, “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance”**.

If you're lost, for heaven's sake return to the beginning of this missive. Now whatever you do stay focused, (that's it, nose to the grindstone, buns glued to the bench, and eyes rivetted on the page)...you wretched little whippersnapper!

Listen up -- here are five helpful hints to avoid burning the candle at both ends, curtailing your harried habit of running around in tiny circles, or standing impatiently at the train station for your ship to arrive with everything but the kitchen sink and your hard-of-hearing, halitosis-challenged dear Aunt Matilda from Beer Bottle Crossing, Idaho.

If you're bored out of your gourd pondering about what's happening on your least favorite piffling planet, Tartuflux Beta, quit complaining and get on with the following flimsy excuses to the pass the time of day.

• Create a new job title for yourself as the official “Pity Pot Coordinator” in your office. Don't miss the opportunity to network with your fellow-Eeyores and sad sacks. After all, who else deserves public recognition for dealing with those ding-alings, dingbats, and ding-dongs who dial you for answers to really dumb questions. Ask everyone to submit “the worst horror story of the week” with a draw or award for the most heart-wrenching, tear-jerking anecdote to befall an employee of your esteemed organization.

• Encourage the establishment of a Green Thumb Technician Training Program. This is an ideal way to avoid work by learning how to water and talk compassionately to all those wilting, wimpy or wizened thingamabobs, commonly referred to as “plants”. Frankly anything that grows in your toxic environment needs all the nurturing it can get. Just watch out for pests like the “Jolly Green Giant” who could pose a threat to your slothful scheme!

• Promote the need for “Water Cooler Wellness Seminars” in your organization. This is a fine opportunity to hold humorous healing sessions with call-of-naturists and other frequent flyers to discuss state-of-the-art “Power-Napping Techniques”, “Low-Impact Finger Fidgeting Exercises” and “The Merits of Low-Carb, Flavored Bottled Water for those Who Cannot Tolerate Liquid Lunches”.

• Become “Keeper of the Coffee Pot & Tea Cozy”. This will provide you with a much-needed excuse to relieve yourself of the tedious “nose to the grindstone” or “buns to the bench” work ethic prevalent in your organization. Besides this job entails all manner of time-wasting duties such as knitting the tea cozies, ordering the supplies, filling and cleaning the blinking pots, dusting the cupboards and counters, and asking frazzled folks to sign your guest book with nothing but exemplary compliments and magnificent kudos for a job well done.

• Recommend that a “Mirth Maven/Meister” be appointed to catch the wretched “Thief of Time” who’s been robbing everyone of fun not to mention frolic with clients, suppliers, and aliens who haven’t got a clue what planet they landed upon. If nothing else, this will be something relevant to add to your resume when your prospective employer at the petting zoo asks, “so what did you really like about your last job?” (By the way, don’t forget to say how you thrashed the Jolly Green Giant, why you adore doing cut-outs, finger-painting, and decorating cube farms, and how delighted you would be to feed the company robo-cat your computer mouse just for the heck of it).

For more wicked workplace tips, tune in next month for the continuing saga of how to find more enchanting ways to tinker with time, trounce trolls, and other really important stuff required to earn your badge of honor as a Certified Candlewaster, Clodplate, or Clumperton.

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*If you find yourself a tad lacking in the Elizabethan Language Lexicon, pop over and let your fingers do the walking through this delightful glossary of goodies: http://members.cox.net/hapnueby/lexicon.html

** For those of you who didn't catch "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" the first time around, now's your opportunity to delve into this pithy publication that will keep your marbles active for the next 12 months or perhaps entertain you more than receiving a free "Get Out of Jail Card". http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0553277472/104-8108820-9151128?v=glance