PUMPKIN POTAMUS?

Or, crappy carvings for Halloween...

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D., a master of miscellaneous stuff like how to carve a melon or pumpkin if you have no imagination, why dweebs are fascinated with gourds, and what to do if you simply hate the sight or taste of squash!

Thank goodness that Halloween comes but once a year. Why? ...because I don't believe in ghosts, ghouls or the Great Pumpkin ...that's why!

If you're like me, when October 31st rolls around, I'd rather just skip the day entirely.

On the other hand, if I was really into morbid if not a tad spooky forms of entertainment, I might drop by a giddy ghoulish gala to be held in Vancouver, B.C. tonight at the "Mountain View Cemetry". It will be the site for a "A Night of All Souls" (dubbed a "contemplative social event" with ambient music, bonfires and shrine areas along with the usual smattering of light precipitation or monsoon downpour at this time of year).

But some of my fiendish friends suggest the only way to master the mystery of life or get a grip on things that go bump in the night is to learn how to communicate with pumpkins or, at least learn some behavior modification techniques like carving them, sticking a candle in them, and then inviting folks over for a "smashing pumpkin party" the day ofter this eerie event.

"Picasso of Pumpkins" I am not, so I've decided to share a few ripsnorting resources for those wishing to gauge out gourds, slash some squash, or poke a few holes in pumpkins.

• For the hordes of horrid hobgoblin types with a tacky taste in pumpkin art visit: http://www.dpchallenge.com/image.php?IMAGE_ID=42008
• Feisty folks looking for a bit of fiendish fun should trying singing a few pumpkin-inspired ditties: http://www.paganlibrary.com/music_poetry/peanuts_pumpkin_carols.php
• Dorky decorators and pumpkin party-poopers will get a headstart by dropping by http://www.HalloweenPumpkins.be
• For those who can't abide any living reminders of Halloween, they can always fork out some moola for fake "Feast of All Saints" paraphernalia including carved PVC pumpkins at http://www.funkins.com
• And for those who've had enough of pumpkins and need a few skeletons popping out of closets, feel free to visit America's Halloween Headquarters: http://www.frightshop.com or the Skeleton Shop: http://www.theskeletonshop.com

Meanwhile, I shall keep my eyes and ears open for the "Big Bang and Boo" crew visiting my neighborhood tonight, as long as they don't interrupt my spell-casting rituals or my pagan and pentacle bedtime reading this evening which will include "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Wicca & Witchcraft"; (if you have to grab a copy, take a peek at one of my favorite haunted havens ...http://www.pentaclepress.com).