Friday, August 26, 2005


Or, so you want to be footloose and fancy-free...

By Aphrodite Beamish, an erstwhile eager beaver from the Bugaboos of British Columbia, keen on finding a new place to perch, (without the usual snow, sleet, slippery rain, not to mention hurricanes, tornadoes, droughts and dust bowls plus a few other assorted climatic conditions found in most godforsaken spots)

Big brogues aren’t exactly a high-fashion footwear item these days, but then neither are those tawdry tan shoes with tacky pink shoelaces!

In fact most folks go “Ugh” when they see them, which is probably why a strange company from the Land of Oz named their brand-name boot after this rather ho-hum display of emotion.

Wearing big brogues offers a myriad of opportunities to express one’s personality. And after all, creating a good first impression is what life's all about today.

So here are just a few reasons you might find yourself slipping on a pair of beautiful big brogues:

  1. You want to show everyone that you mean business on a “shoestring” budget.
  2. You lost your steel-toed tap dancing shoes.
  3. You don’t want another repeat of the last glass-slipper fiasco!
  4. You want to demonstrate what’s in store for the two-timing twit who cares to cross your path anytime soon!
  5. You want to show off the little leftovers from your boisterous boot camp days.
  6. You decry the paltry efforts of fundraisers to raise awareness about the plight of pixies obliged to live in "footlockers" instead of forests (which incidentally have all been chopped down!)
  7. You wish to take pity on the wretched web-footed wunderkinds who didn’t make the cut on Noah’s Ark team!
  8. You are definitely not into the dating game!
  9. You want to gently remind your friends of the consequences should they decline to invite you to their next beer bash.
  10. You don’t wish to be bitten by crocodiles inhabiting your end of the swamp!
  11. You want to nix the notion that you’re interested in playing a game of "footsy" with the next-door neighbor.
  12. You are sick and tired about having to choose what to wear to work everyday.
  13. You want to put an end to ribald remarks from colleagues at work who put you in charge of the “Suggestion Shoebox”!
  14. You want to remind the Wily Foxes out there that you don’t take too kindly to being called “Little Red Riding Hood”!
  15. You’ve always wanted to be a flashy fashion type, and this item would definitely create a buzz in the bling-bling boot world (especially if it had a handful of sequins plus a large assortment of diamonds, emeralds and rubies!)
  16. You’ve always wanted to leave indelible "footmarks" behind on clean floors, white rugs, and out in the backwoods like the Sasquatch does.
  17. You’re an intrepid fighter against “foot-and-mouth disease”; (that’s why you keep your mouth shut and your feet ready for action when you visit the dentist)!
  18. You can't abide "footless footlings", (who always seem to take pride in being inept and unsubstantial not to mention being quite brainless as well).
  19. You are a “footlights” celebrity and wish everyone to know that you are not interested in playing any “foot-dragging” roles for Pete’s sake!
  20. You think "footnotes" are for the birds (and that’s why you ignore them at every opportunity!)
  21. You are a keen admirer of "fancy footwork", but that does not include either Fred Astaire or Ginger Rogers!
  22. You want to impress your construction bosses, carpenters, and electrical engineers about your wealth of knowledge pertaining to “board feet” and “foot candles” of course!
  23. You think "foot races" (especially three-legged ones) are infinitely healthier than rat races, (which are typically very boring and besides they leave everyone thoroughly bummed out)!
  24. You dearly love saying to foes and their allies, the ‘fee-fi-fo-fum’ types, “Don’t mess with me…otherwise I’ll let my foot-pound lose on you!”
  25. And you wish to call attention to the fact that you are certainly no “footle”; (after all wasting time on trifling matters is the clearly the purview of the Quipping Queen…not you)!

These are just a few of the dialectical deductions, reasonable rationalizations plus the usual wherefores and whatnots that suggest why one should wear big brogues to a job interview, a wedding, or to the birthday party of your 22nd cousin once-removed.

After you’ve acquired your own “Big Brogues”, no doubt you’ll be able to add to this rather short list and find a wide range of other things to do with your big beautiful booties!


"The Queen of Shoes" sends you a bit of boff on this special occasion! So you might as well pick up a "Keepsake Ornament" on her behalf at the online Hallmark Store ( and present it to the your "favorite footwear collector"!


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