Or, if you can leap tall piles of filing in a single bound and save someone’s bacon…you’re hired!
By Theolonius McTavish, a Superman aficionado of sorts, and an acquaintance of someone called the “Guru of Glitch”, (who can transform mountains into molehills with the click of his glass slippers and whoosh of his magic wand if feels really inspired).
The following advertisement appeared in the local newspaper of a quaint community known to be the capital of flakes, fruits, and nuts on the West Coast of Canada.
Title: Superwoman/man (2005-30)
Location: Victoria , BC
Length: Permanent FT
Are you faster than a Pentium 5 computer? Can you leap tall piles of filing in a single bound? If so, then read on......PLACEMENT GROUP VICTORIA is now accepting resumes on behalf of their client, one of the most well known companies in Victoria and located in the downtown core. This new full-time permanent position for a SUPER ASSISTANT is a fantastic opportunity for someone with the following qualities:
-Multi-tasking is a natural ability and you do it with a smile
-You look forward to balancing your cheque book and it actually does!
-You're so organized that you don't know what a "junk drawer" is
-Your sense of humour is understood by many
-Your past employers have often commented on your "old fashioned work ethic"
-Changing a light bulb, ensuring your boss gets to their board meeting on time, delivery of that last minute order and analyzing/editing that monthly report are all common daily occurences that you don't think about twice
-You have an eagerness and enthusiasn about you that is contagious
-You're proud of your ability to spell.......correctly
-You are able to communicate with all types of individuals
Competitive salary ($30k to $40k) plus excellent benefits package.
If you believe that you fit this profile, then explain how in your cover letter that you'll be submitting along with your resume.
Requirements: • MUST currently reside in the Greater Victoria area • MUST have a valid driver's licence and reliable vehicle • Excellent knowledge of Windows, Word, Excel, PowerPoint (testing to be completed) • Hight accurate (testing to be completed) • Aptitute for numbers • Strong written and verbal communication skills • Dedicated and loyal individual looking for a long term commitment • Thirst for learning and experiencing new and exciting challenges
MailingAddress: Placement Group, 1027 Pandora Ave
Needless to say, the Guru of Glitch, sent along the following short note to express his enthusiasm in seeking such a challenging position.
Name: Ovid Publius Hadweenzic IV
Title: Superman - Guru of Glitch (...although everyone prefers to call me "GOG" for short)
Availability: Yesterday, (provided of course I can use my posh powers of persuasion to convince "The Great Pumpkin" that Halloween comes but once a year, and that I'm needed the other 364 days to troubleshoot for trolls and tackle titillating tasks at your esteemed firm).
Background, Experience & Qualifications:
A contrarian (by nature), and a magna cum laude graduate of the Druid Academy of Computerized Martial Arts & Feng Shui (by design), my mentor, Master Whatnot, told me that being fleet of foot I was probably faster than the speed of light on a slow day and more endurable than a shooting star in a dense black hole of a cosmically-impaired universe.
As for leaping over tall piles of filing in a single bound, I prefer eliminating all the easy solutions first …like tossing the blessed bumpf into the proverbial “File 13” …after which I do something infinitely more productive and pleasant, (a ripsnorting ritual known as “jumping for joy”).
So, rather than bore you with my achievements (such as my "Grade 2 McLean’s Method of Writing Award"), certificates (my most prized one being, “Communicating With Your Pet Rock”), handy dandy diplomas (like my rigorous 3-year program, “Celebrity Pet Grooming & Massage Therapy”), plus ring letters of endorsement (from "Mugwumps Anonymous" and the "Croquet Club of Boring, Maryland"), I think it more appropriate to summarize my scintillating skill sets:
-- A "Master of Multitasking" – having the legs of a centipede, the neck of a giraffe, and the tentacles of an octopus certainly helps me navigate my way through the trials and tribulations of every day life, not to mention perform mundane tasks like fetch coffee and water plants, or smile sweetly and kick butt if required in a tight pinch.
-- “Balancing acts” come second nature to me and, as a tried-and-true tightwad treasury officer, I never let rubber cheques bounce around in bank accounts any more than I would recommend my boss eat another rubber chicken lunch…even if it is for a good cause!
-- "Junk" - Yuck! I don’t eat "junk"-food, I never open "junk"-mail, and I have certainly never owned a "junk"-drawer…but I must admit, I do have one small shortcomingcoming …the other day I dropped my old clunker off at a "junk"-yard in order to collect a modest charitable tax receipt.
-- “Old fashioned work ethic” …if by that you mean, do I wear shoes (as opposed to bare feet to work), a clean shirt (as opposed to a pizza spattered cotton t-shirt), and whistle while I work (at my 12-hour day minimum wage job that I’m ever so pleased to have)? …the answer’s a very simple, sharp and succinct … “yes”.
-- “Changing light bulbs” - no problem, (although I’ve always found the “perpetual light of the Lord” to be a longer-lasting solution to wandering around in the dark than using a light bulb, a propane lamp or a flickering candle).
-- Spelling and grammar are a passion with me. (I sleep with a dictionary and thesaurus under my pillow at night -- to keep the gremlins of grammar at bay, which is probably why I can also spot at least five typos or spelling errors in your jolly job description.)
-- Ability to “communicate with all types of individuals”, (well let’s just say that I have the eyes of an owl, ears like a rabbit, a nose the size of an elephant, and speak Pig-Latin which allows me to slip unnoticed into petting zoos, board rooms, and political backrooms. I don't really want to toot my horn or namedrop but, one of my nearest and dearest friends is none other than "Francis the Talking Mule"!)
And since you're probably wondering about my level of energy, I’ve been told that my eagerness and enthusiasm for life is akin to the “boobonic” plague, (or it’s close second cousin, the pandemic boisterous birdbrain flu. PS: I never use pills -- even the little blue ones!)
A dedicated serial monogamist, I can assure you that loyalty and commitment are in my veins, (at least that’s what the lady from Mind’s Eye Hynotherapy told me about my past, present and future lives.)
Let's face it, I’m so hungry for learning more about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness that I could eat a horse! And may I also point out that my thirst for new opportunities and challenges can never be quenched with a Sprite, a Snapple, or a sip of Shiraz. (Now pint of Guinness ...well that's an entirely different matter ...but never on company time!)
In closing, I just want to say that having a giggling Guru of Glitch on your management team will not only save your bacon but also trounce any testy troglodytes or truculent trolls who are looking for a good time at your expense!
Ciao plus a bit of Ta Ta, Pip Pip and All That
Ovid Publius Hadweenzic IV