Friday, October 07, 2005

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS...



Or, learn how to flog fruit and at least lob the losers!

Theolonius McTavish, a lemonade-stand sales rep at the tender age of five, a used car salesman at the testy age of 20, and now a paltry pie-maker just a tad too old to remember the darn recipe!

A quick glance at the phrase, “When life gives you lemons”, leaves a lot to be desired.

Actually, these five words have spawned more than 119,000 web pages devoted to this tarty topic.

So, if you’re looking for advice on what to do with your lemons, take heart and follow this abbreviated list of suggestions.

When life gives you lemons you should:

  • Start your own unforgettable “lemonade experience”.
  • Just shut up and eat your damn lemons.
  • Do some research on them. (Sources all agree that lemons originated from somewhere in Asia; today, America claims to grow a quarter of the world’s supply, and California is said to be the biggest producer …no wonder they call it the “The Land of Posh n’ Pits”!)
  • The Ethical Werewolf recommends that you throw them at Republicans!
  • Stop snivelling and sell’em on eBay!
  • Make something called “Visualade”.
  • Donate them to a school food-drive, (someone's bound to pick them up).
  • Make a battery out of them and harness electricity for pity’s sake!
  • Go to a “limoncello factory” in Amalfi, Italy where they whip up lemon salads.
  • Turn around and squirt it in the eye of your nemesis.
  • Throw them through life’s windows (for those who have nothing else to do).
  • Ask for a diet drink to put them in.
  • Turn them into a profit just like Martha Stewart did!
  • Become a lemonologist, (that way you can polish furniture with the oil).
  • Remember that God loves the yellow ones as much as the little green ones, (but it might have helped if he’d also supplied the water, sugar, a few spare ice-cubes, a pitcher to mix it in, a spoon to stir it and of course a glass from which to sip it!)
  • Jump on the optimist’s bandwagon by building resilience and forging your way to success in whatever you’re pursuing, (even if it doesn’t make you King of the Castle forever and ever or produce mounds of money like Rumplestiltskin!)
  • Pick up a get-well or care package, (provided they still have them in stock).
  • Make lemonade and be sure to share it with others, (just to let them know how much you care about the bitter things in life that seem to come with an unexpected cost attached).
  • Call your husband to come home right away and then make lemon-colored frosting, (to decorate whatever you’ve got lying around in the fridge)!
  • SMILE, return the lemons to the person who presented them to you, and then ask for the oranges that you requested in the first place!
  • Switch to limes and try a mean margarita, chips and salsa! (Oh, and do bring along a pair of dancing shoes…no not your big brogues or steel-toed stilettos!)
  • Get tipsy, (and just say no when the bartender inquires whether you want “bitters” with your brew or bubbly).
  • Buy all your lemons at Sobey’s! (If you don’t have one in your neighborhood, contact them and find out when they plan on opening up a shop with lemons in your neck of the woods!)
  • Have another root beer, (and maybe lemons will make you burp less!)
  • Pucker up! (Or at least show them who has Pucker Power in your family!)
  • Use a gadget called a “zester”, (to remove lemon peels what else?)
  • Of course, if you fancy yourself a bit of a wizard…you can always use your abracadabra skills to make orange juice!
  • Smash them with a heavy KB and hope for the best, (according to a dedicated dragon door strength conditioning martial arts expert).
  • Say “****-off” and go to bed! (For those with short attention spans and few alternative-dispute resolution mechanisms to deal with difficult dilemmas or dorks of course).
  • Go shopping with a valid credit card! (And avoid yellow...it's not your color!)
  • Sue - it makes lawyers rich and leave schmucks like you with a sour taste in your mouth! (So quit complaining and invest your money in sugar; even if your all teeth fall out, your taste buds will be happy.)
  • Find a politician and a lawyer who want to perform a “public service”; then ask them to draft and enact a “computer lemon law” entitling consumers to timely replacement of their personal computers if manufacturers can’t fix them and requires manufacturers to pay claimants’ legal fees as well as any expenses incurred in resolving their claims. (Isn't this is a great opportunity to turn the tables on flashy floggers of faulty fruit?)
  • When all else fails suck them, (recommended by someone calling himself “A Digital Dude who loves lemons").
  • Never forget to get your daily dose of cold, refreshing lemon juice, (it's full of vitamin C according to a healthy food fare lady).
  • Be quiet and eat your lemons, (just like grown-ups do who have no other way of proving their courage, fortitude and mastery of the basic food groups.)
  • Make “Snickers” because they taste a whole lot better than lemonade, (a recommendation from a grade two student in Miss Plum’s class).
  • Eat more gelato, (from a contributor named “Quark” in the Wordlab Forum).
  • Say thank you and run, (from an anonymous online bulletin board contributor).
  • Just add some vodka and have a party, (definitely not submitted by a party-pooper!)
  • Watch a Frogcatcher Film titled, "When Life Gives You Lemons", that parodies the world of unemployed white-collar workers (...who better than a few loafers to tell a lemon-aid story!)
  • Ask yourself what Eeyore would have done to resolve this muss of a mess ...after all didn't he say, "They're funny things, Accidents. You never have them till you're having them".
  • And if all else fails, try reading the twelfth volume in "A Series of Unfortunate Events" by Lemony Snicket, a hermit and a nomad who wishes everyone nothing but the best, (after spending an inordinate amount of time investigating and reporting upon woeful things that most people are better off without).

__________

For an appreciation of some tarty tidbits take a peek at Anne Taintor's work: http://www.fly-bird.net/products/mlbc-094.htm

No individual should be without the bothersome if not clearly biased books by one loopy loud-mouthed fellow named Lemony Snicket http://www.lemonysnicket.com/index.cfm




31 Comments:

At 9:23 AM, Blogger finnegan said...

This is definitely the tartest post I've ever come across. I'll settle for the limoncello factory in Amalfi and retire the sour face once and for all.

 
At 3:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 10:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

When life gives you lemons, tell life you dont want them and give them back

 
At 4:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This was totally cute! :) I needed a list for a project and you gave me some ideas. TWO THUMBS UP!!! love the one about the limoncello factory in Amalfi, Italy... :)

 
At 5:53 PM, Anonymous Anna said...

When life gives you lemons, squeeze them into people's eyes. (Found on a Hot Topic pin)

When life gives you lemons, throw them back at life shouting, "I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS!"

 
At 9:23 PM, Anonymous Brach's Lemon Drops said...

When life gives you lemons... Make grape juice, sit back, and let everyone try to figure out how you did it.

 
At 6:13 PM, Anonymous tal said...

When life gives you lemons, buy tequila and salt and give me a call!

 
At 10:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

When life gives you lemons, throw em in your sweet tea and thank God you're from the South!

 
At 10:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

When life gives you lemons......stuff them down your bra!!

 
At 9:58 AM, Anonymous Will said...

"When life gives you lemons, squeeze them into a cup and throw it into peoples faces."

"When life gives you lemons, eat them."

"When life gives you lemons, wing em' right back and add a few of your own."

"When life gives you lemons, say they are limes, and run away, flailing your arms and laughing like a maniac."

"When life gives you lemons, deny deny deny."

"When life gives you lemons, say we don't need no stinking lemons!"

"When life gives you lemons, say thank you may I have another?"

"When life gives you lemons, put them in your pants."

"When life gives you lemons, its time to duck and cover."

"When life gives you lemons, go find a punk with a paper cut."

"When life gives you lemons, go OMG 1337 on lifes n00b ass! stfu! Lulz!"

"When life gives you lemons, become a super saiyan and destroy the planet, then see if life ever starts shit again."

"When life gives you lemons, give them them to someone who cares."

 
At 3:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

when life gives you lemons, through them back and say I ASKED FOR FRIKEN LIMES!!!!!!!!!

 
At 12:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

When life gives you lemons just say fuck the lemons then bail.

 
At 5:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

when life gives you lemons...return them and demand chocolate!!

 
At 6:48 PM, Blogger Lisa said...

When life gives you lemons...throw them at ppl and tell THEM to make the damn lemonade!

 
At 10:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

When life gives you lemons fuck the lemons she said and fucked around until she got so sour that no one wanted to give her banana anymore. c/k

 
At 12:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

When life gives you lemons, Say fuck the lemons and bail.

 
At 6:23 PM, Blogger darnold23 said...

I linked this post to one of mine. I enjoyed reading your blog.

 
At 6:29 PM, Anonymous Ryan said...

"When life gives you lemons, ask where the hell life got these lemons. Where does life get off."

"When life gives you lemons, bet someone to eat the lemons and get your moneys worth watching somone try to eat lemons...dumbass."

 
At 10:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

when life gives you lemons, squeeze them in lifes eye then see how much life likes lemons then!

 
At 10:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

when life gives you lemons, throw them at people with expensive cars...

 
At 5:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

When life gives you lemons, why would you want to make lemonade? Turn the lemons into sweet, delicious oranges, so you don't need to go hunting for the sugar that life conveniently forgot to give you.

 
At 12:33 PM, Anonymous Sebastian di vie Daio said...

when life gives you lemons, be happy that it wasnt cancer.

 
At 6:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

When life gives you lemons, Squeeze them in your enemies eyes.
~Deborah Gonzalez

 
At 7:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

 
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At 4:40 AM, Anonymous Lisa said...

When life gives you lemons...take the lemons you just got for free and sell them to people who don't have lemons...save all the money in mayo jars buried in your back yard, but take some of the money and buy some sugar and make lemonade :D

 
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