IT'S NUTTY NOVEMBER!

Or, in other words, “National Nudnik Month”!

Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl Craboon

November is the 11th month of the calendar year, so what else is new?

Well for one thing this month features a good many things for knuckleheads, ninny-hammers, and nudniks to engage in since their attention spans are usually shorter than the bat of an eye or a flash in the pan.

They can all take heart from the fact that this month is full of merry-making for morose mavens and munchkins…after all it’s only one month away from the biggest gift-giving gala of the year!

So without further adieu, here’s what’s in store for you to do to celebrate odd occasions and weird events this month.

November 1 – National Who’s Been Eating My Porridge Day (For Goldilocks and the three bear types who can’t get their fill of cream of wheat, oatmeal or bran man!)

November 2 – Are you sure that’s the Road to San Jose Day? (In honor of all those who despise analogue devices such as maps, and would rather use their handy-dandy new digital high-flying GPS gizmo that fits in your pocket, talks, and comes in 45 colors!)

November 3 – National Grin & Bare It Day (Everyone needs a lack practice in the art of stoicism and steadfastness …after all “suck it up” is better than “spit it out”!)

November 4 – Scorpio Awareness Day (Time to spot those fixed water signs who rule the world of magical matters like taboos and voodoo…you know the intractable, inscrutable, impenetrable secretive souls who have things good things going for them… they have magnetic personalities, are unshockable, and understand failure…yee haw!)

November 5 – Guy Fawkes Day (The second time this year you can officially light firecrackers under the seat of any nosey nemesis or naughty nudnik naturally).

November 6 – One Toy That Should Never Have Been Invented Day (Okay now it’s time to figure out what tawdry toy you’ve encountered sometime during your stay on planet earth should quite frankly never have seen the light of day).

November 7 – Worst Workplace Décor Day (Time to nominate someone for this prestigious award in your office – prize a weekend pass to the nearest petting zoo for some pointers from a bunch of beasts that probably couldn’t care less!)

November 8 – National Tom Thumb Day (So if you were six inches tall for a day, exactly what would you do besides twiddling your thumbs for twenty-four hours?)

November 9 – National Animal Crackers Day (A pleasant alternative to "Girl Guide Cookies" …but everyone must also share the name of the animal with whom they would share the rest of their life with if that’s the way the cookie crumbled!)

November 10 – National Ho-Hum Body Part Day (For those who haven’t a clue what biology’s all about but can tell you all about the least erotic part of the human body!)

November 11 – Thirteenth Month of the Year Day (Time-starved individuals should use their imagination to come up with a name for the thirteenth month, not to mention where it’s supposed to be inserted in the present calendar if you please!)

November 12 – National Pick Your Favorite Movie Prop Day (Is it the Wizard of Oz’s wig, a seagull from “The Birds”, a shower-stall from an Anthony Perkins thriller?)

November 13 – Gift of Magic Day (Okay you’ve got the gorgeous-looking genie in a bottle…and he/she pops out and grants you three wishes…what are they and why?)

November 14 – Nicest Compliment You’ve Ever Received Day (It’s one of those rare occasions, but check your memory bank and figure out the nicest compliment you’ve ever received in your entire life…that you don’t mind sharing with the rest of humanity).

November 15 – License Plate Appreciation Day (The government has just informed you that you could have your license plate say anything at all…what would it be?)

November 16 – Rename Your Family Day (To meet the growing demand folks who want a new lease on life…it’s now time to rename each family member...good luck!)

November 17 – Dig That Derriere Day (Forget the botox…if a fairy godmother dropped by and told you that you could have anyone else’s gluteus maximus, posh posterior or tight buns…just who would you choose?)

November 18 – National Lazybones Awareness Day (Okay it’s payback time for the laziest person you know…if you could pick one thing that this person would have to do for the rest of their life – who would it be and what would this individual have to do?)

November 19 – Three Least Favorite Words Day (This will definitely appeal to blabbers, blatherskites, and motor-mouths who will never be short on words!)

November 20 – Goosebump Awareness Day (So pray tell, what gives you Goosebumps? …and how come no one ever has Goosebumps on the face?)

November 21 – Computer Modification Day (The folks who manufacture the best thing since sliced bread come to ask you what one thing you’d like to see changed on your computer…what might it be … now think hard all you dweebs and dingbats!)

November 22 – Hardest Position to Play in Sports Day (For all the sports jocks, couch potatoes, and sideline critics…what would you say is the most difficult one, c’mon…)

November 22 – Nifty New Appliance Day (Advertisers are having a field day with a brand new appliance…what’s it called and exactly what will it do to make life easier?)

November 23 – National Jockstrap Collectible Day (Your favorite sports league has just announced a new fantasy prize for an upcoming contest…the jockstrap of your favorite fantasy player…hmmm…who might that be and in what sport?)

November 24 – Murfle Appreciation Day (Time to see who has the most freckles among your family, friends, and faithful colleagues at work).

November 25 – National Jeepers Creepers Day (What’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had in your life? …Sponsored by the “Holy Cow Cooperative” & “The Holy Smoke Alliance of Spirits and Other Figments of Your Imagination”)

November 26 – Look Before You Leap Day (In honor of all those who took a flying leap from the frying pan into the fire …just to get a taste of “S’mores”!)

November 27 – National Hold Your Horses Day (Celebrates all those faithful plodders who are always chomping at the bit, but never quite make it out of the stall to win a race)

November 28 – National Slam-Dunk Contest Day (Time to try out your waste-paper basket skills – there are no prizes just the title “The Hottest Damn Slam-Dunker”!)

November 29 – World Finger Snapping Day (In honor of fuss budgets and slow restaurant food service …now you get to practice it all day long!!!)

November 30 – Tickle Me Pink Day (A social networking day of course!)