Sunday, January 15, 2006

AT A LOSS FOR WORDS?


Or, try some tidbits that roll off the top of your tongue…

By The Duchess of Dither, (a.k.a. Dame Do-This-Do-That or DDT for shot), is not your run-of-the-mill doddering, do-nothing, dour dowager but rather a chronologically-gifted social butterfly, a swish social etiquette consultant, not to mention a noted antipasto, aperitif and artichoke recipe collector and antediluvian author of a little-known romance novel entitled, “Foxy Bell-Bottoms & The Pirates of Pugwash Junction”.

Many of my bombastically bashful clients have asked me what they should say or do when the 'cat’s got their tongue'? You know when the proverbial ‘Mout-hab-nuttin-fe-do’ (literally, ‘mouth has nothing to do’).

The answer to this consummate conundrum lies in reframing this doggone dilemma. After all, everyone knows that felines rule the jungle (except for that wussy one in the ‘Wizard of Oz’). Thank goodness my clients don’t want to join that tacky trio of woebegone winners just blithely bopping along down the Yellow Brick Road!

When one is firmly entrenched in an indubitably irrelevant place at an inopportune moment in time and at loss for words, it’s best to console oneself with a few grapes of wrath and then excuse oneself with much aplomb and gusto to the nearest place of ease. Once ensconced in a powder room or gentlemen’s ablutionary, it’s time to seek the advice of a Goddess or Guru of Glitch. (Hopefully, the owner of the calamity has access to a cellular phone equipped with all the latest features including text messaging, email, camera, video, TV, radio, music-player, and personal scheduling capabilities).

In the absence of a do-it-all device and a glad-handing guru or a fact-finding fairy godmother, just consult a pocketbook edition of “The Portable Poppycocker”, (which every adult is supposed to carry conveniently around in a pocket, purse, or portmanteau at all times).

Now peruse the chapter on “Interesting Interjections”. Then randomly select one of the 175 or so itty-bitty, impressionable yet easy-flowing ejaculatory exclamations that one can blurt out in a bubbly impromptu manner. (Hint: Avoid those well-worn, vexing vociferations like: Alas! Bingo! Dear Me! Heavens! Ouch! Phooey! and Ugh! Instead, go for one of the following hefty little humdingers:

  • Bada Bada Bing or Bada Bing Bada Boom, Begora, Bellswagger, Bosh, Brava,
  • Climb-A-Pole, Coniwobble, Crickey, Cunningberry, Dizzy Flat, Doddypoll,
  • Egads, Eureka, Faugh, Fiddlesticks, Fie, Fopdoodle, Gadzooks, Gardyloo, Gramercy,
  • Hey Presto, Hoddy Peak, Hoots, Huzza, Lackaday, Lerricomtwang, Lorgeous-Days,
  • Nerts, Oolfoo, Oy Vay, Pardy, Pip-Pip, Pish, Poof, Purting Glumpot,
  • Quotha, Rog, Swankpot, Tah-Tah, Touché, Tut-Tut, View Halloo,
  • Waesucks, Wellaway, Widdershins, Wiffle-Woffle, Wirra, Wisha, Whist, Woonkers,
  • Yeuch, Yum-Yum, Yoicks, Zooks, Zounds, Zowie, or Zuggers.

When returning to the company of others (after a suitable sojourn in the comfort station or water closet), never forget to:

  1. smile solicitously and shake a few limp hands vigorously,
  2. inconspicuously yet incisively invoke an inspiring interjection from “The Portable Poppycocker”, with a generous dollop of vacuous verve and envervating enthusiasm or
  3. follow the wise words of wisdom articulated extemporaneously by a Goddess/Guru for a princely/princessly sum of $3.99 a minute plus applicable taxes billed to one's 23.9% interest "Perks n’ Points Advantage Credit Card".

And if that doesn’t loosen one's tongue and lighten one's wallet, try a double scotch on the rocks with no swizzle stick if you please!

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