DING DONG IT'S DECEMBER!
Or, time to answer the doorbell for a bit of good cheer!
**Compiled by Leady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl Craboon
December is the 12th month of the calendar year. Time to wrap things up, because whether you’ve been naughty or nice, it's too late now. On second thought, perhaps the rotund fellow in the red suit, with the white beard and whiskers will be the best judge of that!
So, in the meantime, practice a bit of re-gifting. Besides, it’s a fine way to palm off those never used gifts like the Laughing Buddha candle from great Aunt Jessie or the gargoyle spout you got from cousin Horace in Mauritania or maybe it was Tasmania).
If that doesn’t turn your crank, try humming a few seasonal songs or just knocking back a few eggnogs. And if that doesn’t get you in the spirit, go to your favorite cheapskate store and pick up some crazy thingies to stuff those stockings. What you don’t have a stocking?
And last but not least…grab some holly, some ivy, or some mistletoe ...for a bit of Ho-Ho-Ho at your front door!!
So, without further ado…here are some ways to celebrate the 31 days of good cheer and good times before the end of this year!
December 1 – National Ear Muff Day (A fine way to honor those colorful wooly wrappers that keep the cold out and let everyone now how really weird your are!)
December 2 – National Red Crayon Day (This is the day you get to write whatever you want with a “red” crayon, and no one can send you to the naughty stool, so there!)
December 3 - Hot Chocolate/Hot Toddy Day (Time to honor those marvelous moo-moos or titillating tipples that make life worth living when everything's going to heck in a hand-basket!)
December 4 – Cook Someone’s Goose Day (A great way to celebrate plucking feathers…so who’s the lucky little critter on your wish list?)
December 5 – One Minute Christmas Carols or Nursery Rhymes (Time to recite your favorite ditty in 60 seconds or less; not recommended for those who didn’t graduate from kindergarten).
December 6 – Pin the Antlers on the Reindeer Day (In honor of an old world creature whose only reason for being is hauling Santa’s sleigh around one day a year).
December 7 – Elf Appreciation Day (It’s time to pay tribute to all the weary wee ones working overtime at the North Pole in Santa’s workshop; they’re considering joining a union to improve their working conditions).
December 8 – Festive Decorating Day (Time to haul out all the boxes of balls, braids, and bright lights…along with those fake smiles your boss or the HR Dept. have requested).
December 9 – Sagittarius Appreciation Day (A day to honor all the happy-go-lucky, fair-minded archers of zodiac who blunder, miss their target, or fail to plan adequately).
December 10 – Let’s Talk Turkey Day (Time to kvetch about who has the best turkey-dressing recipe, and why kids go berserk when they find out you stuffed “Big Bird” in the oven!)
December 11 – Waffle & Whiffle Appreciation Day (In recognition of any colleague, friend or family member who wanders off topic or says 25 words when one will do thank you!)
December 12 – Mistletoe Appreciation Day (Time to hunt for greenery, practice puckering your lips, and find a willing bill and coo partner…now come out from under the green peppers, sprouts or the head of leaf lettuce will you!)
December 13 – Partridge in a Pear Tree Day (In honor of any strange clucking birds who are loafing about not to mention perching on your favorite fruit tree in the front yard).
December 14 – Two Turtle Doves Day (In recognition of Bird-Watchers Anonymous who’re keeping a close eye on the cooing creatures who've taken up residence on the front lawn).
December 15 – Three French Hens Day (In honor of all those fancy French-talking, billet-doux types who never use a bidet, but never hesitate to leave their mark on front lawns).
December 16 – Four Calling Birds Day (In honor of all the wretched hooting and hollering feathered friends who were never invited to camp out on the front lawn in the first place) .
December 17 – Five Golden Rings Day (It’s time to celebrate the Winter Olympics early, or perhaps it’s a great excuse to use them to wring the necks of those crazy creatures making a frightful mess on the front lawn).
December 18 – Six Geese A-Laying Day (Chickens are one thing, especially when they’re fried…but those gaggling geese won’t even do a good turn by laying a great big golden egg for Pete’s sake!)
December 19 – Seven Swans A-Swimming Day (Oh no, more blinking birds that mate for life…and this time they’ve taken over the swimming pool….when will it ever end?)
December 20 – Eight Maids A-Milking Day (As if the birds on the front lawn aren’t enough, now the cows have decided to move in, and the maids aren’t helping matters!)
December 21 – Nine Ladies Dancing Day (The milk maids are quite productive, but now there are some scantily-clad females kicking up their heels on the front lawn, disturbing the cows so they don’t give milk and now the bleeping birds are pooping everywhere!)
December 22 – Ten Lords A-Leaping Day (What’s with the royal court these days, can’t they keep their posh progeny at home instead of letting them run amok on the front lawn with the moostruck maids and merry-making mavens, not to mention the blessed birds and sacred cows!!)
December 23 – Eleven Pipers Piping Day (All hell is breaking loose as a band of bagpipers ...wearing not a stitch beneath their kilts ...have descended on the front lawn, scaring the maids and mavens half to death, and sending the birds and cows into a frenzy so neither the SPCA nor the petting zoo will take them!)
December 24 – Twelve Drummers Drumming Day (With the arrival of a sweet-grass smoking shaman with an entourage calling themselves, "The Damned Drum Corps", the front lawn has turned into a great big gong show; the police have now ordered 10 paddy wagons and a fire-truck, while the Mayor, as a last resort, has read the Riot Act banning all garden parties!)
December 25 – Merry Mirth Day (A terrific day to give yourself lots of big hugs, big presents, and tell anyone who gives you a bad time to sit on the naughty stool!)
December 26 – Wassail Appreciation Day (Time to visit friends and family to hit them up for free drinks, a free meal, and a promise to tell clean jokes all day long).
December 27 – Whistle While You Work Day (A great way to recognize the valuable contribution made by pro-active fellowship in the workplace).
December 28 – Cranberry Recognition Day (Time to say thanks to the ripsnorting red berry that’s great in cocktails, cakes, and as a spunky sauce to liven up the next week of turkey meals).
December 29 – Swoosh & Thonk Day (A great way to honor all manner of awkward or inept positions that make you look quite foolish on a ski hill or a skating rink)
December 30 – Yeti/Abominable Snowman Appreciation Day (Time to honor the invention of the shovel, spade or snowblower to get rid of the frigging flakes that have piled up so you can’t get out of your abode, get kids to school, and be off to work!)
December 31 – New Year’s Eve (Now you can host one big party ...to celebrate all the things you’ve left undone on your “to-do” list this year!)