10 THINGS NOT TO DO IN THE MONTH OF MAY

Or, why to avoid dancing around May poles at all costs

By Sherlock Tidpit, a remarkable rumpus room coordinator, and even more importantly, he’s a rule-of-thumb rapscallion with a very skewed assessment of reality (which among other things makes him a very valuable vestigial remnant in the Court of the Quipping Queen)

The fifth month of the Gregorian calendar is to put it mildly a month of spring rites, fertility, flora, and all manner of fauna with a few Maid Marians, Bride Ales (weddings) and fanciful fools thrown in for good measure.

On the other hand, be prepared for the unexpected…after all, Uranus has gone retrograde, garden gnomes have disappeared for some reason, and the weather forecaster says it’s likely to rain cats and dogs for the next thirty days…blame it on El something-or-other.

So without further ado, here’s the list of TEN THINGS NOT TO DO during the month of May:

1. Think you’re “Paul Bunyan” and spend pointless time whacking down lots of trees with a handy-dandy new double-edged stainless steel bladed axe that will undoubtedly put a dent in National Forest Week celebrations and disappoint the fairy folk at the very least.

2. Participate in the “May Games of Robin Hood”, unless one is prepared to challenge a Sagittarian (a.k.a. the archer in astrology), a crossbow competitor named Cupid, or Friar Tuck (founding member of the Blessed Bow & Arrow Brigade).

3. Send a flowerpot, a box of chocolates, and a groveling greeting card to the matriarch who once suckled you; (just brush your teeth, put on a smile and wear your best bib and tucker on “Mother’s Day” …and don’t forget to give her a big hug)!

4. Arrange a rather grand garland out of spring boughs and blossoms (unless of course you enjoy sneezing, wheezing, and watery eyes not to mention engendering the wrath of allergic altercations from your nearest and dearest hay-fevered friends and coughing kissing cousins from who knows where).

5. Accept an invitation to dance around a pole, sit on a throne, or wear a crown of daisies, (unless your name is “Maid Marian” or the “Queen of the May”).

6. Wander into a Wicca festival of fertility (unless perchance you’re prepared to run around in the buff, make offerings to the moon, or find peace and serenity in the power of flowers to soothe one’s harried brow and wrinkled forehead).

7. Befriend a twittering twin known as “Gemini” (whose inquisitive, quick-mind and charming, fickle split-personality not to mention loose lips are usually offset by a large dose of impracticality, irritability, and a rather non-committal nature).

8. Get ticked off at your blinking boss (unless you’ve entered him or her into a new corporate contest called “Go Fly A Kite Day” …to see which super-duper snot can fly their frigging flag the highest)!

9. Say unpleasant things about heffalumps, pink elephants, or garden gnomes; (unless you want every tot in town to throw a tantrum at your front door)!

10. Exceed the speed limit just because you’re all revved up for the Indy 500, you’re late for work as a gas jockey the Wee Willie Winky Pit Stop, or your flat feet are all worn out from running a last place finish in the famed Boston Marathon!

And remember …take heart because if all else fails, surely you can find 31 things you’ve never done in your life before…juggle melons, write a silent symphony, or ride a camel!