Monday, July 05, 2004


Or, how to deliver a dollop of a whollop!

If shameless self-promotion is the name of the game in our brand-conscious society, then why not leave your merry mark behind for someone else to enjoy -- and even make their day!

Ignore all the usual advice about careful writing and proofreading given by every job counselor you know. Just read the helpful hints below, so you can claim your 30 seconds of fame as a "President's Choice" candidate before being buried in a gargantuan slush pile or scrunched into a thick file folder along with the other 1, 247 candidates for the "job-of-a-lifetime" in a "Fortune 500" company.

1. USE THE LETTERS OF YOUR NAME TO FORM YOUR OWN ANAGRAM. (This will demonstrate how enterprising, perspicacious, and resourceful you really are...even if your Mum, your third grade teacher and your last boss haven't got a clue what you're talking about. For best results check out

2. INVENT NEW WORDS (such as "dingbatter", "emoticonist", or "ostrichnort") AND USE THEM TO DESCRIBE THE MOST CHALLENGING PERSON YOU EVER MET. (This will indicate your off-the-wall problem-solving ability, your gift of the gab, and your passionate penchant for gadflying, gleeful garbling and gorgeous gobbledygooking.)

3. LEAVE LARGE GAPS IN YOUR EMPLOYMENT HISTORY. (This is helpful because now you can fill in the blanks with your favorite hobby...toad taxidermy... and your other eccentric vocational pajama parties for piffleberries and heffalumps.)

4. USE A CARTOON TO DESCRIBE YOUR MOST ADMIRING QUALITIES. (This is a wonderful opportunity to expose your bitty bumps, wonky worts, and saucy sense of humor to any number of unsuspecting souls or bemusing braggadocios who inhabit the universe of everything great and small.)

5. CAPITALIZE ON YOUR ASTROLOGICAL SIGN. (Besides telling them you're a fishy Pisces...indicate the zodiac signs with whom you are most compatible...and don't forget to mention who should not come within 10 feet of you if their life depends on it.)

6. BE PROUD OF YOUR POLITICAL STRIPES IF YOU'RE A TIGER. (However, it's best to be colour coordinated if you plan on working in a fish tank.)

7. USE SOME SPICY QUOTATIONS OR SPUNKY SAYINGS. (This will provide your reader with a welcome relief from the altogether boring, monotonous, or time-wasting resumes residing in the gargantuan slush pile euphemistically called, "Never Never Land".)

8. BE TOTALLY ABOVE BOARD ABOUT YOUR RELIABILITY. (Indicate that you surf close to home, always have your Net Nanny activated, and usually keep your vibrating cell phone with a terrific titillating tune discretely in your posing pouch.)

9. MENTION ANY ODD OR ECCENTRIC PEOPLE OF LATE WITH WHOM YOU'VE HAD THE PLEASURE OF WORKING. (This will provide prospective employers with an engaging reality check before they decide to assign you a starring role in "Scapegoat Of The Month".)

10. DON'T FORGET TO HIGHLIGHT ANY BOOBY PRIZE(S) YOU'VE WON. (Frankly, there are far too many fame-focused folk running around with "winning" medals, "biggy-wiggy" trophies and "somebody thinks I'm the cat's meow" plaques. Let's face it, any recognition of your unabashed 'last place' finish would be refreshing change in a wacky world full of wannabe Kings of the Castle.)

So to sum it all up, may the frigging force be with you for now and evermore. And, may you find the Yellow Brick Road to whereever it is you're going, get the gold-plated key to the Executive Throne Room, and be bestowed a terrifically tacky title like "Mogul of Munchkinland"!


Now for all you folks out there in Cube Farm Land, why not try something different to spice up your tiddly-pum day! Pick up a hilarious new game called "THINGS" (Humor-in-a-Box) from your local toy store, or order it on-line at


At 10:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually the list you posted here are exactly the things you SHOULD NOT put in a resume.

At 7:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is complete and total crap.

At 4:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You guys are complete retards, she is obviously joking .... this is hillarious

At 11:16 PM, Blogger Max Gambit said...

Wow. You don't often see satire of this quality.

PS I like leaving ambiguous comments. Actually I enjoyed this.

At 3:27 PM, Blogger stuffapproved said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 1:35 PM, Blogger J-fer said...

Haha, I found this while seeking help for writing a resume. It didn't really help but it made me laugh!

At 8:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


What should be added after that:

At 10:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

BULL! If I saw all that GARB on a resume I would pass it. I took a college course on composing resumes and unless it is graphic design skills, it should be clean, precise and SIMPLE.

At 12:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

At first glance, I'm thinking "this has to be a joke" but the more I think about it, the more I am thinking that this could be a good experiment. Putting these obvioiusly rediculous things on your resume will have the head honchos pull your resume, share a laugh with his colleagues, and possibly even call you in to see what kind of person puts that on their resume. I've always said that if I can get in the door, I get the job. Don't get me wrong, I'm about to graduate from law school and will never use these "tips" on my resume, but I think it would be a great experiment to see if it gets you more interviews. I've hired plenty of people at my big boy job for years before going back to school. I wouldn't say that I would hire someone who presented this resume to me, but I MIGHT call them in to poke fun at them. Just food for thought.

At 12:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

BREAKWATER BIRD, do you have a Facebook acct.? MINE: ..

At 8:38 AM, Blogger Resume Writers said...

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