Wednesday, December 15, 2004


Or, How Snow White & Friends Sent Santa Packing!

It seems that we can longer languish in the reveries of "Christmas" anymore. Secular is safe, while what was once sacred is scoffed.

"Christmas" is "persona non grata"... unless it comes packaged ...with lotsa ka-ching and consumer clatta!

"Christmas" has been replaced by non-threatening "happy holiday" greetings, profitable "holiday" gift cards, and a new medical disease called the "Ho-Ho-Ho Hum" syndrome (I'll let you figure that one out).

Gone are the days when we can enjoy such pleasures as "Christmas" carols, "Christmas" crackers or heaven forbid even "Christmas" trees, without a knock at the door from a politically-correct enforcement officer dressed in an bright blue suit with gold braid, a matching hat, not to mention a permanent smile and perplexing frown on his face.

Although I cannot take credit for the witty work below, I thought I would pass it along to all those who still believe in a reindeer named Rudolph, St. Nick (aka Santa Claus/Kris Kringle), jingling bells of comfort and joy a mouth-watering slice of home-made, hot minced pie.


'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves,"
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labour conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose .

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's war-like or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passé;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, its price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."



At 12:01 PM, Blogger Tattva said...

Sure political correctness runs wild. Whether it be regarding Christmas or something else.

I am not of the Christian faith, but I always have and always will wish others "a Merrry or Happy Christmas".

I will not let political correctness make me change my ways. If someone respects their own faith (like I do) then they will not have any issues with it being called "Christmas".

In many other matters I am in favour of political correctness. This is not one of them.

But the main problem is not political correctness.

It is that too many people have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas.

How many people actually celebrate Christmas in church rather than at the office booze fest?

At 5:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi: I gotta agree with the spirit of that essay. It seems to me that so many people are unconscious members of the Anti-Fun Brigade - a coterie of the politically correct so enamoured of their own anality that they impose their standards as the yardstick with which all others should be measured. Naturally, Canada's challenged media pundits let that kind of assumption go unchallanged. Whenever I think of "Canadian media" I simultaneously think of my recycling bin. A kind of telling association, dontcha think? Mercifully, other national media have chosen to delve into contemporary issues, leaving the Canadian media to their favourite preoccupation - nitpicking Canadians into early graves. In this case again, "politically correct" is just a sympton of a Canada's rather traditional inferiority complex and fear of being noticed for anything more contentious than the most virginal and virtuous reasons.


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