HO HO HO MEMORANDUM
By Theolonius McTavish, a casual notice board reader and part-time creative loafing consultant to The Quipping Queen (when not engaged in other delicious diversions)
HO HO HO MEMORANDUM
TO: All employees
FROM: The Management
DATE: December 2, 2004
RE: Reducing the Unintended Consequences of Getting into "The Holiday Spirit"
Following recommendations from SHE (our Safety, Health and Enviromental committee), HE (our Helpful Employees Committee) and FUN (the Federation of Undemonstrative Nations), the measures outlined below will be implemented immediately thus ensuring our compliance with guidelines established by FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Ordinance & Leisure Industry Council) designed to reduce the unintended consequences of getting into "The Holiday Spirit".
1. Santa shall be required to wear a red, fire-retardant, loose-fitting suit with white reflector tape accessories, and a red fire helmet at all times while on the premises.
2. Employees shall refrain from testing the seating capacity and weight-bearing strength of any red-suited person in authority requesting subjects sit on his/her lap.
3. All nutcrackers are forbidden on the premises as these items have been found to be a potential security risk and safety hazard in the hands of inadequately trained personnel. (Note: We know who you are. Our infallible process control systems have identified those with far too many frequent flubber points and weak bladders as the cause of most workplace accidents).
4. Fruitcake, shortbread cookies and mince tarts shall be consumed before the expiry date on the packaging and only in designated areas such as parking lots, as it has been determined that crumbs attract undesirable pests including but not limited to cookie monsters, horrible hobgoblins, testy trolls and wicked witches, not to mention placing excess demands on management (drones), non-union, multi-tasking, light-housekeeping office personnel (queen bees) and unionized heavy maintenance staff (worker bees).
5. Snickering-Sybaritic Santas (SSSs) and Red-Nosed Reindeers (RNRs) if found consuming illegal substances on the job shall be escorted immediately off site by the Engaging Enforcement Elves (EEEs), as such conduct has been linked to unhealthy respiration and transpiration of office plants, inexplicable computer network crashes, and causing havoc with the smooth operation of industrial machinery.
6. Employees shall refrain from using paper shredders to make aluminum foil tinsel decorations as this has been found to create an unsightly mess, unnecessary downtime on office equipment, not to mention major power outages preventing the convening of gift-exchange gatherings.
7. Employees shall refrain from toasting marshmallows on radiators, AC power adaptors, or in blast furnaces during break periods as these puckish practices have been found to encourage unsafe food preparation practices, contribute to poor eating habits and, and cause stomach cancer in brownies and boy scouts.
8. Employees shall refrain from 1) composing Yuletide tunes on touch-tone phones, 2) downloading “The Chipmunk Song” as the default ring tone on cellular telephones or 3) installing Christmas carol screen-savers on laptop computers, as these lollygagging practices been found to cause unmitigated stress and partial hearing loss in lab rats, floor personnel, and middle managers alike.
9. Santa's Helpers' togs will be permitted on Casual Fridays provided they comply with the "Corportate Colors and Dress Code Policy". (No spandex shorts, body stockings or birthday suits will be allowed as these have been shown to contribute to embarrassing little workplace accidents at this time of year).
10. All employees shall refrain from requesting that high-carb, cholesterol-rich egg nog be placed in vending machines and shall likewise refrain from uttering anti-social secular greetings or gladless tidings of good cheer such as, “Bah Humbug”, “The Grinch will get you!” or “Santa Sucks", all of which have been found to contribute to an unhealthy diet, loss of team spirit, and result in an altogether unproductive and negative-thinking workplace environment.
And, last but not least, there’s no need to drop banana peels , candy wrappers or prioritized lists of presents in the Company Suggestion Box – thanks to SCROOGES (our Security Camera Records & Online Gathering Evidence System), Santa knows who's been naughty and nice his year.
HO HO HO AND HAVE A HAPPY HOLIDAY From Santa's Saucy Sylphs in the HR Department!!!