HOW D' YA LIKE THEM APPLES?

Or, things you would have said to Eve had she tricked you into eating the apple

By Theolonius McTavish, an itinerant scribe who prefers to ponder and, when the spirit moves him, join his pal Peter Piper in his favorite pastime -- picking pecks of pickled peppers of course

There are a few things that you might be tempted to say, if you had the chance, (especially if you’re a fly on a wall in the proverbial “Garden of Eden”).

Speaking of flies, here are some choice lines you wish Adam might have told Eve before chomping into that fateful apple on what appears to have been another perfectly twee day in paradise.

• -- I don’t do “bobbing for apples”!

• -- Let's share the guilt.

• -- You know I hate “Little green apples in the summertime”, so play something else!

• -- Before we get down to business -- when was your last dental check-up?

• -- Not now, I’m busy killing the bugs, worms, and Trojan Horses in my frigging PC.

• -- I can’t imagine why you think I’d want to read your new diet book, How to Be Happy on 500 Calories or Less a Day – Lessons From A Tart With A Heart.

• -- If eating an apple a day keeps the doctor away, will eating a hippo keep the taxman off our backs?

• -- Maybe Martha Stewart can send us her favorite applesauce recipe from the slammer.

• -- I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “Johnny Appleseed” doesn’t live here!

• -- If an apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, would you mind picking it up because my back’s killing me.

• -- My interior decorator says, “apples and oranges don’t mix” – so how about a putrid pink grapefruit with a splash of yucky lime?

• -- If money grows on trees, how come all we get are a bunch of rotten apple investment certificates?

• -- Let me get this straight, if I bite into that apple, I can play “Devil’s Advocate” for a day?

• -- I’m tired of being “touched by an angel”, can we try something spooky for a change?

• -- If I’d wanted to play “snakes and ladders”, I’d have married a social-climbing serpent!

• -- Wow, it’s another episode of "Desperate Housewives in Paradise" -- do you mind if I sit down and watch?

• -- Okay honeybun, where’d you put my “Get Out of Jail Free Card” anyway?

• -- Look at it this way ... if God wanted me to bite into that apple, he wouldn’t have given me dentures!

• -- I don’t polish apples for anyone, and that includes you!

• -- Why don’t you put that apple on your head, while I find my plucky bow and trusty arrow.

• -- What could be more rewarding than biting a few biscuits, dust bunnies, or speeding bullets?

• -- Perhaps you could read one more chapter from my favorite pillow book, The Boo Hoo Bible: The Neo American Church Catechism by Art Kleps -- before we retire for the night dear.

• -- Listen, being President of a meat-eating country means you don't have to eat broccoli, sprouts or apples for that matter!

• -- Hey, I know Popeye eats spinach to make him big and strong, but are you sure that munching on bag of apples will make me a Wicked Witch to be reckoned with?

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Speaking of Eves and apples, for those of you who are fascinated with tongue-in-cheek (as opposed to foot-in-mouth) things, please feel free to let your fingers do the walking over to an irreverent little t-shirt shop at http://artapart.com/t-shirt-designs/proddetail.asp?prod=likethemapples