TRAFFIC TICKET TRAVAILS

Or, ticklish things that might get you a toothy tongue-lashing

A traffic ticket is not a billet-doux, nor is it a token of affection someone named "Don Juan" delivers it.

More than 34 million North Americans a year receive a traffic summons, so unless you adore blinking red lights, noisy sirens and uncomfortable roadside chats, it's probably best to avoid one.

If you can't, then by all means face the Fickle Feminist Fingers of Fate -- head on. Just remember that the Bad Karma Fairy, the Wicked Witch of the West, and the Goddess of Glitch all have their good points. It's up to you to find some wiggle room with these folks.

Consider yourself lucky that you don't have to slay a dragon, a rather messy sort of job. Just reach deep inside yourself and find those magical words that'll change your life forever (or maybe not).

And, if you still insist on tempting the fates...then why not try these clangers on for size (...but only if you have a thick skin and wear a big grin).

• Look Harold...may I call you Harold?... I'm a really nice person, it's just that well, if truth be told ... the Devil made me do it.

• If I'm driving the wrong way down a one-way street, then why are you following me?

• Are you sure this qualifies as my "fifteen minutes of fame"?

• I dialed 1-900-Angel-of-Mercy but no one answered.

• Frankly, I don't think the photo on my driver's license is very flattering, so why don't we just forget it and call it a day?

• It was my Evil Twin Sister behind the wheel...honestly!

• I was looking for the "Highway to Heaven" and got carried away.

• Whatever might be the extent of this individual calamity, I hardly think it's worthy of your valuable time to be lecturing me about the merits of minding my own business when you appear to be treading ever so firmly on my tender toes.

• I hope this doesn't mean I loose my frequent flyer points ... I was counting on a trip to Pango Pango this winter.

• The TV ad said, "take her for a spin" and that's what I did -- but the "Stop" sign got in my way.

• Kindly remove that piece of paper from my windshield ... didn't your mother ever tell you it's not wise to harass frail 'little old ladies' with long canes and large bumbershoots.

• Of course I was travelling on the shoulder -- wouldn't you if you had a classic "puddle jumper" like mine?

• Listen officer, I know that belly dancing in the intersection is illegal, but a girl has to use her best assets when there's no pedestrian signal and she needs to cross the street safely.

• My memory is fine... it's my feet that can't find the accelerator.

• Listen, are you really sure that you want to "make my day"!

• Did I tell you that my dad is a Supreme Court Judge, my mom is a lawyer, and my uncle is a senator -- and your point was...

• When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are... so what planet did you say you're from?

The above phrases while humorous, should nevertheless be used sparingly unless you think your local law enforcement officer has demonstrated that he/she has a funnybone.

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