IT'S JEST JANUARY!

Eccentric events and odd occasions to celebrate in January 2005

Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees, (in polite circles referred to as the Duchess of Dither), and edited by Lord Earl Craboon, (better known in the upper echelons of society as the Duke of Doorknobs)


January is, to put it bluntly, a bit of a merry-impaired month as far as the Gregorian calendar is concerned.

With the ho-ho-ho season gone...things must start all over again.

The origin of January comes from "Janus", the god with two faces, one on the front of his head, and one on the back. He's the guardian of gateways and of beginnings. (Now we know who to blame for the ridiculous ritual of making New Year's resolutions, long forgotten by this time next year.)

Brain cell exercises aside, there are simpler if not slothful ways to get through the first month of winter. Let's see there's yawning and humming not to mention less taxing titillations such as twiddling one's thumbs, wagging one's chin, or just plain wiggling one's ears.

For those who share an abiding interest in mild merriment, modest mirth and marvellous morsels of muddle -- this month has your name on it.

So, without further adieu -- here are some upcoming odd occasions to add to your "to do" list and eccentric events to celebrate on your January calendar.

Note: The funnybone-impaired should proceed with caution as excessive giggling, glad-handing, and gleams in the eye are known to cause gregarious gleeful behavior which your gloom and doom family members and friends may not understand or appreciate.

JEST JANUARY EVENTS AND CELEBRATIONS

1. National Nude Nick Day (in honor of Polar Bear swimmers and bodacious birthday suits of course)

2. Hops & Scotch Recovery Day (in honor of hung-over heffalumps)

3. Burping, Belching & Breaking Wind Day (yup, another survival-of-the-fittest contest)

4. Little Left-Overs Day (dedicated to forgotten things hibernating in the refrigerator)

5. Pin the Tail on the Donkey Day (a fine way to restore hope in the life of Eeyores)

6. Hug a Hippogriff (a mythical beast named "Bucktooth" is waiting for you at the petting zoo!)

7. Capricorn Awareness Day (are you sure you're ready to "get someone's goat"?)

8. Brown-Nosing Day (this is your chance to fawn and flatter your way to success naturally)

9. Touch-Tone Tune Day (be creative and compose a song using your telephone keypad)

10. Pet Rock Day (in honor of boisterous boulders, scintillating stones, and ribald rocks that will knock your socks off!)

11. Baubles, Bangles & Beads Day (impress your boss with trashy trinkets, garish gew-gaws, or perhaps a few knickknack paddywhacks)

12. National Clock-Watching Day (in honor of all pathetic procrastinators and ludricrously late-bloomers)

13. "Gotcha" Day (better get out the old whooppee cushion and chocolate-covered ants)

14. National Worrywart Day (brush up on your spell-binding sky-is-falling stories)

15. Gadfly (homo botflyillucus) Conservation Day (try cross-pollinating...with a saucy social butterfly... silly)

16. Things That Shouldn't Have Been Invented Day (recognizing strange gizmos or unusual gadgets you'd never be caught dead buying or using)

17. Edible Green Stuff Appreciation Day (learn to love or at least play quietly with your Brussels sprouts, spinach, cabbage or celery)

18. Slow News Day (in honor of far-flung factoids, sanctimonious slide shows, and pointless presentations that put most people to sleep)

19. National Bad Hair & Haberdashery Day (dedicated to folks whose best coiffure is a bald head or a ball-cap worn backwards)

20. National Lemming Awareness Day (celebrating the value of cliff-hangers and pro-active followship)

21. Naughty Poetry Day (honoring hilarious haikus, pugnacious puns and daring double-entendres)

22. Jungle-Mouth Elimination Day (c'mon what's your favorite mouthwash or toothpaste flavor?)

23. Tickle-A-Friend Day (based on gender-neutral, permission-based solictations only)

24. Goop & Gunk Day (time for a bit of patty-cake making or harmless mudslinging)

25. Haggis & Highland Fling Appreciation Day (a celebration of strange Scottish customs kept firmly under wraps unless your name is Robbie Burns)

26. Slide Rule Remembrance Day (if you don't know, ask an engineer how to use one)

27. Shaggy Dog Story Day (honors any anecdote or joke that lasts more than 5 minutes)

28. Go Fly a Kite! (what a way to send your favorite Nemesis up, up, and away for the day!)

29. National Wet Noodle Day (for those who can 'boil water' but can't cook worth a wok)

30. Merry Voice-Mail Greetings Day (time to create a humorous voice mail message to amaze your family, friends, or work mates)

31. National Cross-Dressing Day (what a way to empty your chameleon clothes' closet!)