Friday, January 07, 2005


Or, ludicrous learning opportunities for foot-in-the-mouth folk

If your workplace or home is inhabited by an Eeyore (you know, the one carrying a wet noodle around and humming a woe-is-me lullaby), it's probably time to register him/her for a course or two at JOCULAR STATE UNIVERSITY (JSU).

JSU is a state-of-the-art, jest-in-time technology institute offering an eclectic selection of ludicrious learning opportunities for lethargic lemmings, lingering lodestones, and lamentable lost souls. (You can't miss them, they're the square pegs who don't fit into little round holes or those who reside out-of-the-box permanently.)

The good news is that the institute has an "open door" policy. That's probably because it has no doors to keep anyone out or in for that matter. Folks pretty well come and go as they please, as long as they agree to smile, wave or at a minimum, acknowledge something positive about the day.

So, Eeyores will definitely find this place interesting. For one thing it has a big WELCOME sign, a gargantuan meeting place appropriately called, "The Lost and Found", and no guidance counsellors telling them to play "pin the tail on the donkey" as an ice-breaker!

Without going into all the details and fine print, here's a smattering of "What's New at JSU in 2005":

Dragon-Slaying 101:
A Certified Socratic Sandbox Symposium for Grown-Ups interested in learning how to become more productive by eliminating fire-belching and bothersome dragons from their work environment. Participants are invited to bring examples of dragon dilemmas for a case study, and also share tasty snacks with classmates and their esteemed instructor, Master Zap Whatnot.

(Note: Students must show proof of having completed a course in curmudgeon communications, conflicting conundrums or cloak ‘n’ dagger cogitation).

Go Fly a Kite! A wonderful stress-buster designed to send your favorite nemesis into space. If you’ve ever wanted to tell that special someone in your life to take a hike or simply take a long walk off a short pier, we recommend a healthier alternative – invite them over to your “Go Fly a Kite” party! Send an invitation to your boss, local politician, competitor or relative to join you for a special celebration in any public park at 12 noon on any Sunday. Bring your own kite (bought or home-made) and ask them to spread their wings and become a pilot for the day.

Facilitator: Ophelia Offleyhoo, an over-enthusiastic silly-putty and hoola-hoop performer & a certified instructor of ludicrous leisure and patently ridiculous pastimes.

Anatomy of Osteoheehee. A remarkable seminar designed to introduce participants to the little known osteoheehee, commonly referred to as the “funny bone”, which is often confused with its rather distant and sometimes disappointing relative, "osteohoho", affectionately called the "wishbone".

Instructor: Arthur Ungulate, a retired veterinarian and little-known author of a long-winded college textbook entitled, "A Horse of Course".

Humble Pie Making and Eating Etiquette. This is payback time for all the humble pie enthusiasts among your family, friends and work mates. (Participants should bring their best recipe as well as to whom the pie should be given and how it should be eaten).

Instructor: Murray Mincemeat, sous-chef at the Giggling Gargoyle Restaurant.

How to Milk Sacred Cows & Cook Golden Geese For All They’re Worth!
Presented by the local chapter of the Holy Heffalump Order, this short-course in metaphysics provides students with secret tips, arcane techniques and nifty tricks used to fleece any flock of followers effectively.

Instructor: Genevieve Grist-Grommet, a communications and public relations graduate of the Little Bo Beep & Friends Academy.

Start Your Own Profitable Recession-Proof Dragon-Slaying Business! Recommended for those seeking a professional career change and an active lifestyle. This is a truly exceptional course and an infinitely rewarding opportunity to learn more about the monster-mashing business. (Applicants must write an essay explaining what attributes they possess that qualify them for a career as a Certified Master Dragon-Slayer).

Instructor: George W. Bumpkin, former CEO, CFO and Board Chairman of the renowned international consulting and auditing firm of Balderdash Ballyhoo & Bunkum Inc.

Why Do Chickens Cross Roads? If you’ve always been perplexed by imponderable questions like this one, you’ll have a field day in this course. (Participants are invited to toss their straightjackets and bring along lots of nonsense to ponder and wet noodles to amaze a myriad of other web-footed folk).

Instructor: George Beccles-Gignog, MD., author of “Someone You Know May Have Flown the Chicken Coop”.


For those who want to know what's what, who's who' and where to sign up, please email the Ripsnorting Registrar of the Ridiculous Repository of Remarkable Inklings and Insight:

Those who don't have a funnybone but just love writing tests to show off how brilliant they are, well here's a place to tickle your brain for free (although:

Those seeking diplomas, certificates, transcripts, or letters of recommendations from this or any affiliate institution of levity, please visit AAArdvark, the world's first fake - free university diplomas at:

And for those with their thinking caps firmly in place wishing to find "fun solutions for serious problems", please check out Humor University:


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