WORDS NEVER HEARD IN THE WORKPLACE

By Patience Pantperhog, whimsical wordwatcher at the “Wonder-Worker Weekly”

Today’s modern workplace is awash in buzzwords, bafflegab, and all manner of blessed bumpf to wade through or digest over a morning latte with a dab of whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles on top.

The never-ending drive to increase profits means employees everywhere must hunker down with their noses to the grindstone or else hustle their bustles out the door every day in search of new business.

So, it's not surprising to hear some strange murmurings emanating from boardrooms and bosses' offices the world over not to mention the odd cubicle and cubby-hole or two.

Rest assured, these verbal vaunts and zippy zingers likely have never seen the light of day.

But, if by chance those walls really did have ears...here's a saucy sampling of what might be heard:

• "Love your color-coordinated blue and red spandex bodysuit with sparkling smiley face cape ...but we don't hire “yes-people” in this company."

• "My doctor told me I had an infinitesimal brain ...do you have any openings for a low-maintenance plant to decorate your lobby?"

• "It’s “Casual Friday”, so by all means wear fishnet-stockings, leather leggings or even loincloths if you wish."

• "George, I know we need to celebrate “2005 - The Year of the Rooster” ...but frankly we’ve got too many frigging cock-a-doodle-dos in this barnyard already!"

• "‘Eager Beaver’ is my middle name ...so I’d love to sink my glistening white, tartar-fighting buckteeth into lots more work."

• "I'm Your #1 TEAM - The Easy Answer Man – at your service."

• "Hey, I’m all pumped up, so where do we register for that trial balloon course?"

• "...My last performance evaluation said that I’d make a great scapegoat – do you need one in your department?"

• "By the way, is that 'arm candy' job posted on the executive dining room notice board still available?"

• "The latest corporate communications audit shows we've got nothing but the highest quality, 360 degree closed feedback loop rating in the industry ... so what's new at the virtual watercooler and whistleblower pit stop dude?".

• "Okay, let me get this straight...Neptune was in Capricorn and Mercury's gone retrograde, but I still need one more defensible position why we didn't meet quota last month."

• "Princess Poohbah, if I honor your request for an engraved nameplate on your powder-room door, then will you play 'Kick the Can' with me?"

• "Let's see, the most influential management book I've ever read ...hmmm...that would be Discovering the World of the Three-Toed Sloth by John Hoke...and a close second would be, Fish Who Answer the Telephone by Yury Petrovich Frolov."