CALLING ALL DORKS & DINGBATS!

Or, where do all those daffy ding-a-lings from Canada call home anyway?

By Theolonius McTavish, a wayfaring wanderer in a very strange land full of blessedly big bugs, breathtakingly beautiful banshees, and more than a few bizarre blockheads

Canada is a country of extremes in terms of its size, climate, and geography. The good news is that it's populated mostly by modest munchkins and mild-mannered moochers. The bad news is they have to compete for space on the back forty with a bunch of rapidly multiplying moth-eaten, mournful-looking, misbegotten maladroit misfits, (better known as "moose on the loose").

It’s either pretty darn cold (99.9% of residents freeze their tootsies and booties off in the winter, except for the remainder who are web-footed, Westcoast wunderkinds ...carrying brightly-colored bumbershoots to fend off the seagulls or showers whichever comes first), or it’s incredibly hot and humid, (except for the tourist traps in Victoria catering to dazed Americans looking for igloos, polar bears and ice-cream made by “The Udder Guys”).

To be sure, Canucks are pretty ho-hum "Tweedle-Dee & Tweedle Dumb" types who dearly love to blend in with beige-toned wallpaper if at all possible.

Every now and then however, some quirky characters emerge unobtrusively from their comfortable closets, peep out from under their "magic" mushrooms, or casually climb down from their ivory towers. If truth be told, Canucks can't wait to dress up in war paint, quaff a few cold beer, and rant “I-AM-CANADIAN” at every blinking hockey team that comes to town!

Just where do all the dedicated dorks, delightful dingbats, and dialectical dunderheads, plus a lively assortment of daffy ding-a-lings call home-sweet home?

To answer this burning question meant observing the primeval penchants and perplexing proclivities of several singularly spaced-out souls. This painstaking research conducted during park bench conversations with utter strangers lead to a stunning conclusion that the majority of these quintessentially quaint but “cool” characters were conceived in some very funky, if not out-of-the-way destinations.

In the interests of brevity, I have compiled a list of my favorites, (see the alphabet soup below). I shall also be forwarding to this index to the well-respected "International Association of Podunk Places" for inclusion in their popular annual publication entitled, "Guide To God-Awful Tourist Towns, Traps & Trinkets".

So without further adieu, let's start at the beginning ...

"A"

• Ahousat (British Columbia)
• Amyot (Ontario)
• Aneroid (Saskatchewan)
• Anola (Manitoba)
• Apohaqui (New Brunswick)
• Apto (Ontario)
• Arcola (Saskatchewan)
• Arkona (Ontario)
• Arntfield (
• Aroostook (New Brunswick)
• Athapap (Manitoba)
• Athol (Nova Scotia)
• Attawapiskat (Ontario)
• Azilda (Ontario)

"B"

• B-Say-Tah (Saskatchewan)
• Bacon Ridge (Manitoba)
• Bagot (Manitoba)
• Baie Bug-in-a-Rug (Northwest Territories)
• Baldur (Manitoba)
• Baldy Hughes (British Columbia)
• Bangs Falls (Nova Scotia)
• Bareneed (Newfoundland)
• Bartibog (New Brunswick)
• Batchawana Bay (Ontario)
• Beulah (Manitoba)
• Beamsville (Ontario)
• Bears Paw Gulch (Manitoba)
• Beersville (New Brunswick)
• Bella Coola (British Columbia)
• Benito (Manitoba)
• Birtle (Manitoba)
• Blow Me Down (Newfoundland)
• Blubber Bay (British Columbia)
• Blumenort (Manitoba)
• Bognor (Ontario)
• Borups Corners (Ontario)
• Botwood (Newfoundland)
• Breakeyville (Quebec)
• Bromhead (Saskatchewan)
• Brunkild (Manitoba)
• Burpee (New Brunswick)
• Buttonville (Ontario)

"C"

• Calabogie (Ontaroi)
• Calahoo (Alberta)
• Camp Boggy (Newfoundland)
• Cando (Saskatchewan)
• Cape Tormentine (New Brunswick)
• Catchacoma (Ontario)
• Ceepeecee (British Columbia)
• Chasm (British Columbia)
• Cheapside (Ontario)
• Chilliwack (British Columbia)
• Chorlitz (Saskatchewan)
• Chuchi Lake (British Columbia)
• Clo-oose (British Columbia)
• Clute (Ontario)
• Coboconk (Ontario)
• Cogmagun (Nova Scotia)
• Coombs (British Columbia)
• Couchiching (Ontario)
• Crumlin (Ontario)
• Crutwell (Saskatchewan)
• Cudworth (Saskatchewan)

"D"

• Dahinda (Saskatchewan)
• Didsbury (Alberta)
• Digdegaush (New Brunswick)
• Dingwall (Nova Scotia)
• Dinorwic (Ontario)
• Dokis (Ontario)
• Donkin (Nova Scotia)
• Dorking (Ontario)
• Downeyville (Ontario)
• Driftpile (Alberta)
• Drumbo (Ontario)
• Drumheller (Alberta)
• Dugald (Manitoba)
• Dumbarton (New Brunswick)
• Dummer (Saskatchewan)
• Dundela (Ontario)
• Dunedin (Ontario)
• Dunkerron (Ontario)
• Dunster (British Columbia)
• Duntroon (Ontario)

"E"

• Eckville (Alberta)
• Ecum Secum (Nova Scotia)
• Eureka (Nova Scotia)

"F"

• Findlater (Saskatchewan)
• Five Fingers (Nova Scotia)
• Flathead (British Columbia)
• Flin Flon (Manitoba)
• Fogo (Newfoundland)
• Folly Lake (Nova Scotia)
• Forget (Quebec & Saskatchewan)
• Fraxville (Nova Scotia)

"G"

• Gimili (Manitoba)
• Gitchie River (Ontario)
• Goblin (Newfoundland)
• Gold Bottom Gulch (Northwest Territories)
• Goobies (Newfoundland)
• Gogama (Ontario)
• Gowganda (Ontario)
• Gore (Nova Scotia)
• Gorlitz (Saskatchewan)
• Grindrod (British Columbia)
• Gronlid (Saskatchewan)
• Grub Gulch (British Columbia)
• Grunthal (Manitoba)

"H"

• Hadashville (Manitoba)
• Hamiota (Manitoba)
• Hamtown Corner (Newfoundland)
• Head of Jeddore (Nova Scotia)
• Head-Smashed-in-Buffalo Jump (Alberta)
• Heckston (Ontario)
• Hickman’s Harbour (Newfoundland)
• Hollow Water (Manitoba)
• Hondo (Alberta)
• Huff’s Corners (Ontario)

"I"

• Ibyuk Pingo (Northwest Territories)
• Ipperwash Beach (Ontario)
• Ituna (Saskatchewan)

"J"

• Joe Batt’s Arm (Newfoundland)

"K"

• Kazabazua (Quebec)
• Kitwanga (British Columbia)
• Kleena Kleene (British Columbia)
• Klemtu (British Columbia)
• Klueys Bay (Ontario)
• Komoka (Ontario)
• Kouchibouguac (Nova Scotia)

"L"

• Lac Bigot (Québec)
• Lachute (Quebec)
• Latulipe (Québec)
• Lawn (Newfoundland)
• Leading Tickles (Newfoundland)
• Leakville (Saskatchewan)
• Libau (Manitoba)
• Lintlaw (Saskatchewan)
• Lower Sackville (Ontario)
• Lillooet (British Columbia)
• Little Burnt Bay (Newfoundland)
• Lobo (Ontario)
• Lost Channel (Ontario)
• Ludow (New Brunswick)
• Lumby (British Columbia)
• Lunenberg (Nova Scotia)
• Luseland (Saskatchewan)
• Lushes Bight (Newfoundland)

"M"

• MacNutt (Saskatchewan)
• Magawong Village (Ontario)
• Magpie (Quebec)
• Malagash Station (Nova Scotia)
• Maniwacki (Quebec)
• Manola (Manitoba)
• Manotick (Ontario)
• Mantario (Ontario)
• Massawippi (Quebec)
• Mazenod (Saskatchewan)
• Meota (Saskatchewan)
• Middlemiss (Ontario)
• Miniota (Manitoba)
• Minudie (Nova Scotia)
• Mistinippi Lake (Labrador)
• Molesworth (Ontario)
• Monchy (Newfoundland)
• Moonbeam (Ontario)
• Moose Jaw (Saskatchewan)
• Moosehead (Nova Scotia)
• Moosomin (Saskatchewan)
• Mortlach (Saskatchewan)
• Mosquito (Newfoundland)
• Munster (Ontario)
• Mushaboom (Nova Scotia)
• Musquash (Nova Scotia)

"N"

• Nahmint (British Columbia)
• Nameless Cove (Newfoundland)
• Nancy’s Cellar (Nova Scotia)
• Nanoose Bay (British Columbia)
• Napanee (Ontario)
• Napinka (Manitoba)
• Naramata (British Columbia)
• Narcisse (Manitoba)
• Necum Teuch (Nova Scotia)
• Neepawa (Manitoba)
• Nerapis (New Brunswick)
• Neubergthal (Manitoba)
• Nigadoo (New Brunswick)
• Nitinat (British Columbia)
• Nipigon (Ontario)
• Nipiwin (Saskatchewan)
• Noggin Cove (Newfoundland)
• Nogies Creek (Ontario)
• Nojack (Alberta)
• Nosbonsing (Ontario)
• Nottawa (Ontario)
• Nuttby (Nova Scotia)

"O"

• Okotoks (Alberta)
• Olalla (British Columbia)
• Ompah (Ontario)
• Onanole (Manitoba)
• Orok (Manitoba)
• Orono (Ontario)
• Overflowing River (Manitoba)
• Oxtongue Lake (Ontario)

"P"

• Peebles (Saskatchewan)
• Pefferlaw (Ontario)
• Penobsquis (New Brunswick)
• Peribonka (Quebec)
• Petawawa (Ontario)
• Piapot (Saskatchewan)
• Pikwitonei (Manitoba)
• Pinawa (Manitoba)
• Pincher (Alberta)
• Pinware (Newfoundland)
• Pisquid (Prince Edward Island)
• Pitt Meadows (British Columbia)
• Plum Coulee (Manitoba)
• Plumas (Manitoba)
• Plunkett (Saskatchewan)
• Pocahontas (Alberta)
• Pockwock (Nova Scotia)
• Pokemouche (New Brunswick)
• Ponoka (Alberta)
• Poodiac (Nova Scotia)
• Pubnico (Nova Scotia)
• Puce Coupe (British Columbia)
• Pugwash (Nova Scotia)
• Pukatawagan (Manitoba)

"Q"

• Quirpon (Newfoundland)
• Quisbis (New Brunswick)
• Quispamsis (New Brunswick)

"R"

• Rosenort (Manitoba)
• Rusty Pond Siding (Newfoundland)
• Roachville (New Brunswick)

"S"

• Scratch All Point (Nova Scotia)
• Scudder (Ontario)
• Shamblers Cove (Newfoundland)
• Shediac (New Brunswick)
• Sicamous (British Columbia)
• Sissiboo Falls (Nova Scotia)
• Skookumchuck (British Columbia)
• Snooks Arm (Newfoundland)
• Snook’s Harbour (Newfoundland)
• Snowball (Ontario)
• Snowflake (Manitoba)
• Solsgirth (Manitoba)
• Sop’s Arm (Newfoundland)
• Souris (Manitoba)
• Spillamacheen (British Columbia)
• Sputinow (Alberta)
• Spuzzum (British Columbia)
• Squamish (British Columbia)
• Squilax (British Columbia)
• Squitty Bay (British Columbia)
• Stickney (New Brunswick)
• Starbuck (Manitoba)
• Stuie (British Columbia)
• Stukely-Sud (Quebec)
• Sucker Creek (Ontario)
• Sully (Quebec)
• Sultan (Ontario)
• Sybouts (Saskatchewan)

"T"

• Ta Ta Creek (British Columbia)
• Tabusintac (Nova Scotia)
• Tadoussac (Quebec)
• Tadmore (Saskatchewan)
• Tangent (Alberta)
• Tantallon (Nova Scotia & Saskatchewan)
• Tatalrose (British Columbia)
• Tatamagouche (Nova Scotia)
• Teeterville (Ontario)
• The Off Ground (Newfoundland)
• The Pas (Manitoba)
• Thrums (British Columbia)
• Tichborne (Ontario)
• Tidnish (Nova Scotia)
• Tiddville (Nova Scotia)
• Tilting (Newfoundland)
• Tin Cap (Ontario)
• Tingwick (Quebec)
• Tizzard’s Harbour (Newfoundland)
• Tofino (British Columbia)
• Tomifobia (Quebec)
• Toogood Arm (Newfoundland)
• Tring Jonction (Quebec)
• Tuffnell (Saskatchewan)
• Tugaske (Saskatchewan)
• Tulameen (British Columbia)
• Tumbler Ridge (British Columbia)
• Turkey Point (Ontario)
• Turtleford (Saskatchewan)
• Tusket (Nova Scotia)

"U"

• Ucluelet (British Columbia)
• Udney (Ontario)
• Upsalquitch (New Brunswick)
• Usk (British Columbia)

"V"

• Vesuvius (British Columbia)
• Vulcan (Alberta)

"W"

• Waasis (New Brunswick)
• Wabamun (Alberta)
• Wabigoon (Ontario)
• Wagmatcook (Nova Scotia)
• Wahwashkesh (Ontario)
• Waiparous (Alberta)
• Wakopa (Manitoba)
• Waldo (British Columbia)
• Wanless (Manitoba)
• Wanup (Ontario)
• Wapella (Saskatchewan)
• Wapske (New Brunswick)
• Wasa (British Columbia)
• Wasagaming (Manitoba)
• Washabuck Centre (Nova Scotia)
• Washago (Ontario)
• Waskada (Manitoba)
• Wawa (Ontario)
• Waweig (New Brunswick)
• Wawota (Saskatchewan)
• West Chezzetcook (Nova Scotia)
• Wetaskiwin (Saskatchewan)
• Weyakwin (Saskatchewan)
• Wikwemikong (Ontario)
• Wilno (Ontario)
• Wild Bight (Newfoundland)
• Wild Goose (Ontario)
• Windigo (Quebec)
• Winger (Ontario)
• Winkler (Manitoba)
• Witless Bay (Newfoundland)
• Woburn (Quebec)
• Woking (Alberta)
• Wooler (Ontario)
• Worby (Manitoba)
• Wymbolwood Beach (Ontario)
• Wynyard (Saskatchewan)

"Y"

• Yahk (British Columbia)
• Yarbo (Saskatchewan)
• Yamaska (Quebec)
• Yarker (Ontario)
• Youbou (British Columbia)

"Z"

• Zbaraz (Manitoba)
• Zeballos (British Columbia)
• Zenon Park (Saskatachewan)
• Zhoda (Ontario)

With all these exotic spots dotting the landscape, no wonder this frozen fairyland flings its doors open to the occasional inquisitive, idiosyncratic individual not to mention a happy horde of "can do" characters and yodelling "yes" people. After all, when it comes right down to it, Canada is one very hunky dory place to putter about, (at least that's what all the tourist brochures say).

So, if you're a dabbling dork, a dainty dweeb, or dashing ding-a-ling ...there's definitely a place here with your name on it. And when you're roaming about in this blooming big bog full of backwoods burgs, just keep your eyes peeled for those "Welcome" signs inviting "accidental tourists" or "flat-earth folks" to drop by.

Let's face it, Canucks need all the globe-trotting gadabouts and nocturnal nomads they can get to liven up their cute if not a tad peculiar corner of the planet!

__________

NOTE TO READERS: The dollop of data above will one day form the basis of a thoughtful article appearing in a popular practical nursing newsletter on high-risk foot care entitled, "Lessons learned from sauntering strangers and the odd straying seagull or two while seated on a park bench in Beacon Hill Park (one fine summer afternoon in August casually contemplating who carried the recessive gene for knock-knees in my family and watching a pair of avid lawn bowlers debate the merits of munching medicated gum to relieve stress caused by a bunyan on the big toe of a next-door neighbor").

For "Lonely Planet" fans, (who are wondering just where Canada fits in the grand scheme of things, or can't remember the last time they set foot in this vast (waste)land of ice and snow), feel free to consult an "authority" in this matter: http://www.lonelyplanet.com/destinations/north_america/canada/

And for those who are dying to know if these hokey hamlets actually exist, please consult Canada's "Darling Ding-a-ling Database" (comprised of a mere 350,000 entries) can be had for a modest $600 loonies. http://geonames.nrcan.gc.ca/search/search_e.php. Otherwise, you'll be obliged to download each name one-by-one, (which may take you a couple of years), in order to compile your next best-seller, The Gargantuan Gonzo Guide to Pithy & Potty Placenames ...in Canada if you please!".

A wonderful whoop-de-doo website for wacky "Pardon Me" placenames from Canada naturally (including a handy-dandy map) is GEIST MAGAZINE http://www.geist.com/map/map.php