WITTICISMS IN THE WORKPLACE

Or, finding the right words to describe your wonky workplace

By: Theolonius McTavish, a cachinnating cacoethes scribendi (a.k.a. an immoderate laughing soul with an insatiable desire to write), better known by his friends as a nonchalant, nonconformist, nonpartisan nincompoop with a nose for mirth and mayhem.

How would you describe your workplace? What makes your workplace tick? Who are your workplace personalities?

If those catatonic classified career ads and joy-challenged job descriptions don’t fit life in your cubefarm, perhaps you might want to consider using these obscure, original if not a tad ornate expressions to convince other folks just like you to come and play in your sandbox.

If there are moaning and groaning sighs in your workplace, maybe employees have come down with a touch of the Aeolian Flu, or the H.R. Department may have hired too many moirologists (professional mourners).

On the other hand, if there’s a caboodle of cockamamie cock-uppers, (better known as a collection of incredibly messy people), you may have a pizzlesprung on your hands (a Kentucky word meaning 'wearyworts'), or heaven forbid, your organization may have inadvertently promoted a member of the mumpsimus family, (a simple soul who refuses to correct an error and may be there for life!)

Corporate headquarters are often filled with altiloquent (high-flying, pompous) individuals like adoxographers (skilled in the art of writing much ado about nothing, a.k.a. trivial pursuit gamers with large egos), and their close associates, the aeromancers, (gifted gas-inspired gurus whose talents lie in divining the future by interpreting changing atmospheric conditions that can have a serious impact on the successful launch of “trial balloons”, the supply and demand curve of “wind-bags”, and best-of-breed “hot air enthusiast” technology applications).

While large organizations can afford aeromancers, this far-out in left field form of leadership and e-thereal management style is becoming extremely competitive these days due to an increase in global e-missionaries. Hence, many firms are now seeking experienced austromancers (auguring wind observers), ceronauscopists (thunder and lightening analysts), chaomancers (cosmic particle prophets & comet tail evaluators), meteormancers (meteor/shooting star research and development consultants), not to mention, nephomancers (cloud movement interpretation professionals).

Small business on the other hand must make do with asterisms. These are entry-level workers who get stars in their eyes from seeing too many celebrities and or get fanciful ideas in their heads about visiting far-away constellations on SlumpJets (budget-priced, overcrowded, uncomfortable hyperspace vehicles with no fast-food outlets). While a lot of awkward things happen in space and time travel (even to small business owners and entrepreneurs), a lot of them make a whole whack of dough particularly if they have a pettifogger (barrister & solictor) on their team. And, if you really must know not all lawyers charge an arm and a leg, not like some low-life cosmic cretins better known as “NowWhattian boghogs”.

If none of these handles quite fit, perhaps you have one of the following posh personalities in your workplace:

Autodeist: a self-proclaimed god

Bowderlizer: one who purges politically incorrect expressions and off-color remarks from memos, reports and speeches for a living

Cagophilist: a collector of keys, a passion for passe-partoutDringle: a time-waster extraordinaire

Euphobist: one who fears good news (like the glass is half full).

Funambulist: a tightrope walker without a safety net

Gormandizer: one whose eyes are larger than his/her head not to mention a keen interest in overeating at every opportunity

Hoddypole: fumbling inept person

Honorificabilitudinitatibus: any hoddypole with a long title after his/her name

Insufflator: one who is capable of blowing something such as a gas, powder or vapor into a body cavity

Jongleur: a meandering mirthful soul who likes to sing his/her own songs of praise generally to his/her own accompaniment

Loup-Garou: a werewolf in sheep’s clothing

Merry-Go-Sorryist: an individual capable of laughing and crying simultaneously

Ninny-brother: one who hogs the coffee machine or requires at least 15 cups of caffeine a day to feel normal

Papelard: a pretentious flatterer or heck-of-a-good hypocrite

Phishing expert: an angling troller whom you fall for hook, line and sinker

Puzzomous: a disgustingly obsequious yes person

Skybosher: a practical joker or a loquacious larker who enjoys too much tomfoolery.

__________

For more information on the planet of "Now What" and the main town of "Oh Well", please visit pages 53 and 54 of a book by Douglas Adams entitled, Mostly Harmless (published by Serious Productions Limited in 1992).