Tuesday, February 14, 2006


Or, who's rolling out the red carpet for Romeo?

Theolonius McTavish, an itinerant raucous-rouser, who's known to frequent quiet cubbyholes in libraries, empty pews in the back of downtown cathedrals, and vacant bar stools on a slow Saturday night.

The burning question, especially on St. Valentine's Day, is where do Cupid, Casanova, Romeo and Dermot-of-the-Love-Spot go for a night off?

The fact of the matter is that these chaps take their work quite seriously.

Who else do you know who earns their living by having to shoot bows and arrows into unsuspecting folks all day long?

Who do you think has the time these days to quote love sonnets to death just to court a little cutie-pie, not to mention having to save damsels-in-distress or pacify drama-queens 24/7?

And just in case you're wondering, who else would dare to toss their togs (freshly back from the drycleaners) into mirky puddles ...so LOLs don't get their feet wet?

What does a professional paramour have to do to find a bit of rest and relaxation from the toils and tribulations of match-making or ministering to the lovelorn and lost-souls of the world?

A quick glance at the map of Canada suggests that their best opportunity for some incognito night life might be found in these off-the-beaten track tourist towns:

  • Chin, Driftpile or Manyberries (Alberta)
  • Spuzzum, Yahk or Youbou (British Columbia)
  • Finger, Flin Flon or Nonsuch (Manitoba)
  • Five Fingers, Poodiac or Utopia Lake (New Brunswick)
  • Jerry's Nose, Little Seldom or St. John's Without (Newfoundland)
  • Ecum Seecum, Mushaboom or Whycocomagh (Nova Scotia)
  • Belcher Islands or Zigzag Island (Nunavut)
  • Nottawa, Punkydoodles Corners, Zero (Ontario)
  • Crapaud, Ebenezer or Uigg (Prince Edward Island)
  • Old Harry, Yarm or Zip Lake (Quebec)
  • Elbow, Eyebrow or Knee Lake (Saskatchewan)
  • Flat Top, Snafu Creek or Snag (Yukon Territories)

Of course the aforementioned dazzling destinations might be just a tad too tranquil for the likes of our love-toothed, liplaboured lollygaggers. So it's highly likely that they'll trip off south of the border to those torridly-inspired tourist towns such as:

-- Aimwell, Intercourse or Rooster (Alabama)
-- Boob Creek, Mary's Igloo or Tatitlik (Alaska)
-- Bumblebee, Carefree, Strong, Surprise or Winkleman (Arizona)
-- Beaver, Experiment, Fannie, Flippin, Okay, Romance, Smackover or Strawberry (Arkansas)
-- Bumblebee, Cool, Hallelujah Junction, Hooker, Relief, Rough and Ready or Youbet (California)
-- Climax (this place is found in Colorado, Georgia, Michigan, Minnesota, New York, North Carolina, Ohio and Pennsylvania)
-- Bonanza, Crested Butte, Last Chance or Lay (Colorado)
-- Moodus, Gaylordsville or Mianus (Connecticut)
-- Blue Ball, Cocked Hat or Little Heaven (Deleware)
-- Celebration, Okahumpa, Howey-in-the-Hills, Kissimee, Red Head, Weeki Wachee or Yeehaw Junction (Florida)
-- Butts, Cumming, Ideal, Hopeulikit or Snapfinger (Georgia)
-- Fruitland, Good Grief or Star (Idaho)
-- Chestnut, Paw Paw or Red Dick (Illinois)
-- Beaver City, Bee Hunter or Naked City (Indiana)
-- What Cheer or Tingley (Iowa)
-- Beaver or Smileyberg (Kansas)
-- Beaver Lick, Love, Maggie's Bottom, Paint Lick or Ready (Kentucky)
-- Eros, Goodbee or Vixen (Louisiana)
-- Assawoman Bay, Cockekysville or Hollywood (Maryland)
-- Dorothy Pond or Cummaquid (Massachusetts)
-- Eden, Jugville, King Arthur's Court, Nirvana or Paradise (Michigan)
-- Fertile, Nowthen or Sleepy Eye (Minnesota)
-- Darling, Eden, It or Knob Lick (Mississippi)
-- Conception, Licking, Novelty, Romance or Success (Missouri)
-- Eureka, Happy's Inn, Opportunity, Hungry Horse or Sweetgrass (Montana)
-- Surprise, Valentine or Wahoo (Nebraska)
-- Jackpot or Pahrump (Nevada)
-- Grape Corner or Lost Nation (New Hampshire)
-- Buttsville, Cheesequake, Cherry Hill, Cologne, Double-Trouble, Good Intent, Ho-ho Kus, Little Egg Harbor, Love Ladies or Surf City (New Jersey)
-- Elephant Butte, Tingle, Truth or Consquences (New Mexico)
-- Busti, Coxsackie, Peekskill, Result or Surprise (New York)
-- Big Lick, Bunlevel, Deep Gap, Hornytown, Meat Camp, Welcome or Whynot (North Carolina)
-- Can Do, Hoople or Zap (North Dakota)
-- Blue Ball, Fly, Friendship, Round Bottom or Tobasco (Ohio)
-- Big Butte, Cookietown, Happy Land, Hooker or Okay (Oklahoma)
-- Beaver, Eureka or Wankers Corner (Oregon)
-- Balltown, Big Beaver, Bird-in-Hand, Blue Ball, Fear Not, Gobbler's Knob, Jugtown, Intercourse, Nanty Glo, New Beaver, Paradise, Peach Bottom or Virginville (Pennsylvania)
-- Woonsocket (Rhode Island)
-- Ninetimes, Sugar Tit or Welcome (South Carolina)
-- Eaglebutte, Fruitdale, Gayville, Ideal or Oral (South Dakota)
-- Big Lick, Nutbush, Lovelady, Paris, Sweet Lips or Yum Yum (Tennessee)
-- Best, Comfort, Dripping Springs, Happy, Hoop and Holler, Lollipop, Lolita, Love Lady, Pep, Progress, Rosebud, Sugar Land, Sweetwater, Tarzan, Tigertown, Trophy Club, Valentine, Veribest or Wink (Texas)
-- Eureka, Bald Knob or Paradise (Utah)
-- Ballsville, Eureka, Goochland, Goosepimple Junction, Needmore, Peach Bottom or Threeway (Virginia)
-- Humptulips, Kooskooskie, La Push, Nooksack or Tiger (Washington)
-- Beaver, Caress, Frazier's Bottom, Friendly, HooHoo, Paw, Pinch or Quick (West Virginia)
-- Bingo, Bloomer, Dickeyville, Gay Mills, Spread Eagle, Sugar Bush or Ubet (Wisconsin)
-- Meeteetse (Wyoming)

Judging from the long list of solicitous spots, it appears that opportunity knocks best in the pleasure palaces of Arkansas, California, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Texas and Wisconsin.

So keep your eyes peeled, your ears open, and your doors locked (as the case may be), because you never know when this flaming fouresome may drop into your town for a wee peek!


And if you really must confirm the existence of these odd little places, please feel to check them out on Mapquest.com http://www.mapquest.com