Thursday, March 30, 2006


Or, what brain food have you got on the menu tonight?

By Pierre Buldoo, (former head chef at the “Flash in the Pan” Bistro), and one of those whine and dine types who is quick to find fault with any flavorful filet that misbehaves in front of guests or any beverage that bubbles in such a way as to draw unwarranted attention to itself, thus disturbing what is generally known as ‘genteel chin-wagging’

While casually wading through my favorite bedtime book, “The Glossary of Gluttony & Guzzling”, I realized that no reliance should be placed on appearance, especially when it comes to food.

Indeed, what you see is not necessarily what you get. After all how does one know the state of the ingredients before they’ve been beaten, whipped, or zapped? And, who really knows the state of mind of the cook who prepared those “pickled pigs toes” anyway?

All of this brings me back to page 322 of the glossary, and funny foodie phrases beginning with the letter “d” and concluding with “k”:


deipnophobia (n) a less debilitating social phobia usually referred to as “a fear of dinner conversation”, the remedy for which is usually dining in the comfort of a closet, a cube farm cubicle, or a quick drive-thru fast-food outlet

Democritorte (n.) an ancient emphemeral philosopher who was credited with mixing love draughts incorrectly vexing a good many Greek gods not to mention mere mortals, (who satiated themselves with yummy tummy cakes made with lots of eggs, grated nuts, a a rich frosting designed to boost their sagging spirits)

dew-drink (n.) a draft of beer before breakfast, (popular among those with an aversion to crying over spilt milk and those who think pulp in orange juice is gross)

dicky (n.) slang term for a cock o’ the walk that doesn’t know when to shut up

doggy bag (n.) a pejorative term for the container of leftovers provided by restaurants wishing to satisfy the ever changing desires of frugal lapdogs, parsimonious top-dogs, and thrift-conscious watchdogs who frequent their five star eating establishments


edacious (adj.) craving food or voraciously devouring it in great quantities (usually at weddings, wakes, and workplace retirement parties when someone else is footing the bill)

eelogofusciouhipoppokunurious (adj.) descriptive of a meal …particularly a finger-licking good pizza, (also used as a compliment to a host or hostess when you don’t know whether the pizza has been hand-made, ordered out, or store-bought…as in “My that meal was eelogofusciouhipoppokunurious!")

Eve with the lid on (n.) an unusual culinary expression meaning “apple pie” the way someone’s Mum used to make it in the good old days before frozen pastry, microwaves, and brand-name, easy-to-prepare, pie mixes had been invented


farctate (n.) a state of being stuffed (like a turkey) or filled to the gills (like a puffer fish)

farmyard nuggets ( colloquial term for real honest to goodness eggs laid by stress-free, grain-fed, range-free hens with happy dispositions and prodigious capabilities

fleshpot ( a place that provides lusty little tidbits, (confirming the fact that the only way to win a man's heart is through his tummy)

fletcherize (vb.) to chew or masticate a morsel of food at least 30 times to make it digestible, as in “Fletcherize this you fool…I’ve had enough of your tough tortes for one day!”

foot-ale (n.) ale bought by a person entering a new job to those who are already employed; this is also known affectionately as “networking” or “paying one’s dues”


glister of fish hooks (n.) a glass of Irish whisky (commonly consumed by irreverent imps, lewd leprechauns, and whimsical wee folk who live in trees if you please)

glop (n.) a thick semi-liquid food or mixture of foods that is said to be mushy, tasteless, or unappetizing in appearance (usually prepared by young children or bored bachelors who use “hungry man’s helper” to disguise the contents of the meal )

goblocks (n.) large mouthfuls of food (that usually suggest that the consumer is hungry, happy, or perhaps just hates to see good food go to waste on someone else’s plate)

gormandizer (n.) one who devours food in a gluttonous manner; one who binges, eats to excess as in, “he/she eats like a pig”; the opposite of “he/she eats like a bird or a fly”

groak (vb.) to stare at someone who is eating food in the hopes of being tossed some leftovers; often referred to as the “uninvited house guest” or the salivating pooch at the end of the table


hare soup (n.) a rather saucy soup with a reputation for exciting desire among Mad Hatters and Bunny Club members

hassenpfeffer (n) a well-seasoned rabbit stew (with lots of pepper that when combined with an unexpected “hachoo” leaves a mouthful of bunnkins spattered all over the dinner table)

hop toad (n.) a strong liquor that compels one to hop about incessantly or croak unexpectedly

hygrophobia (n.) a fear of liquids (especially the kind you can’t consume or swim in)


ick wit (n.) pejorative term for a tasteless tongue-twister

ingluvious (adj.) gluttonous as in “What an ingenious if not ingluvious manner of devouring Dictionnaire erotique, a Latin-French dictionary of delicate but delightful diversions published in Paris in 1885.”


jejunator (n.) a person who fasts (when he’s not promoting the slow-food movement)

jentacular (n.) pertaining to the first meal of the day (that for some is a little less than spectacular, unless one gets a real kick out of eating weight-watcher wabbit stuff)

jowfair (n.) an event that does not occur despite a good deal of planning (probably having something to do with Murphy’s Law or “the best laid plans of mice and men”)

jowter (n.) a person who sells fish (because he hates jousting for a living)


kalling (n.) a form of fortune-telling based on what variety of cabbage a blind-folded individual selects; one who follows a coleslaw calling

kickshaw (n.) a tidbit or delicacy (consisting of at least 5,000 calories that one gets a kick out of eating, especially in front of anyone consuming a lean-cuisine meal)

kreatophagia (n.) the eating of raw meat (which usually goes down better with several shots of “Beefeater” gin)

And if perchance these words of wit and wonk leave you feeling a tad woozy, fear not. Relief is close at hand in the form of something that Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus (a.k.a. Claudius I - Emporer of Rome) was known to have said.

Apparently the ruler of Rome had a fondness for food, thinking nothing of inviting 600 or more licentious lollygaggers over for a meal of wine, women and song. While flatulence was prohibited in public during the first century AD, Claudius seriously considered "an edict to legitimize the breaking of wind at table, either silently or noisily."

Thankfully democracy prevails in some countries today, and we can do whatever we please with our volatile vapours. Some people may however pay a heavier price than others for being part of the animal kingdom. We may have won the right to "pig out", but we're still trying to come up with how to solve the problem of errant 'sliders', and the occasional whiff of wayward vulgar wind).


For those who need to verify the veracity of the Roman Emporer's words..., pick up a copy of Gaius Suetonius Tranquillus. The Twelve Caesars.


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