Monday, July 24, 2006

OUR CHURCH OF CHINWAGS & CHUCKLES

Or, "Help Wanted: Ticklish taglines for a tabernacle of titillation"

Patience Pantperhog, a part-time pew-pixy, who's dedicated to finding new ways to save the souls of blasphemous blackberry-users and text-messaging troublemakers.

Pastor Prattle of “Our Church of Chinwags & Chuckles”, (and organizer of the annual “Parade of Lost Souls”), suggested that perhaps this procession of piffle and poppycock needed a bit more pizzazz to attract a younger crowd, (better known in the flavor-of-the-month faith-based community as the 'disaffected dogma consumer market segment’).

Rather than rely on a cast of well-worn WASPS who have great difficulty wiggling their tongues in time to the music, the Pastor suggested perhaps something be done to entice a younger audience to partake of the weekly "Happy Hour" (featuring groovy gospel music, munchies and mocktails).

A Committee of Bright Ideas was struck. However, after witnessing a few bolts of lightening ignite one too many burning bushes, the Committee decided that it was safer to seek input from the public by way of a contest.

So, a classified ad was placed in the local paper: “Cheeky Churchisms Wanted”. Parishioners and passersby were invited to crack a few wishbones and exercise their funnybones by offering suggestions for a new church tagline, (that had to grab the attention of the 'plugged in generation').

Below is a selection of the best tacky taglines received by "Our Church of Chinwags & Chuckles". (WARNING: The sassy snippets submitted may result in excessive giggling or may cause harmful side-effects such shrieking, smirking or snorting, thus undermining the health and well-being of spiritually compromised consumers or vulnerable born-again bible-thumpers. If this is the case, weak-willed worshippers are advised to avoid participating in either the bi-weekly "Chortle Church Challenge" or the monthly "Mirth Marathon").

Miracles happen when you lose your manual, map, and myopic vision!

Remember, God loves skinny dippers - that’s why he invented birthday suits!

Look smarty-pants the sign said “Turn left to Paradise”, so where are all the angels?

I’ve been to Graceland and the Wasteland, so what are you offering?

Fess up, what’s in it for me to change the tunes on my iPod?

Do I look like a “Ring My Chimes” sorta guy to you?

Me…Take The Road Less Travelled…you must be kidding!

We’ve got the babes and boogie boards…whad’ya mean St. Peter can’t find the Pearly Gates Beach Resort!

To download “Jesus Loves Me” ring tones, you’ll need a cell phone ma’am…

You want me to follow that Yellow Brick Road?

Before I take this heavenly journey…does it come with a scenic route and free snacks?

To a man in blue: “You mean there’s a posted speed limit on the Highway to Heaven?”

I’m not going up that creek without a paddle and a prayer thank you!

Heads up, the halos are coming!

Watch your step, sacred cow crossing ahead!

I’d like to sign up for that “Walk on Water Course”.

How to build a stairway to Paradise without bricks or mortar!

You have reached Cloud Nine, please leave your name and number and we'll return your call when spirit moves us!

If God doesn’t fish, play golf, or shoot pool…exactly what does he do with his buds?

Okay, if God can mend a broken heart, why can't he share the winning lottery number with me?

And now a word from our sponsor …(drum roll please)…the “Big Kahuna Tuna”!


Trust me ... My Karma can run over your Dogma in under 10 seconds!

If God doesn’t drink, gamble, play with the angels…or read minds, how come visitors to Vegas always say, “God only knows what got into me”?

Hmmm….going around in eternal circles is not my idea of serenity!

Stay tuned for the next episode of “Parting the Red Sea the Easy Way!”

“Immaculate Conception” -- truly a spotless match made in heaven!

So next time you’re wondering what to do while waiting in line at the supermarket, perhaps you can come up with some snappy one-liners for “Our Church of Chinwags & Chuckles”…the more the merrier!

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