IT'S FUNKY FEBRUARY!

Or, it's fanciful, flirtatious and very funky February of course!

Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees* (referred to in polite circles as the Duchess of Dither) and edited by Lord Earl Craboon** (better known in the upper echelons of society as the Duke of Doorknobs)


Why is everyone so happy?

Because it's festive, flirtatious and frolicking February of course -- ahem ...the shortest month of the year. Time to sample some frisky fortune cookies for a change.

Merry-making males better beware, because who knows when all those feisty females will cash in their "frequent flubber" cards, (you know, the ones with little red hearts all over them.)

By the way, our best advice is to toss the Twinkies (unless of course you like being a blimp). Try playing the role of the Prince or Princess of Pucker Power for a day, maybe even a week if you feel so inclined. (Oh what fun tiddly pum!)

Aquarians will need to put down their personal diaries for a moment and listen (which is a difficult task for warter-carriers like you). Say, aren't you the rainbow-inspired, paragliding, Uranus folk with weird friends who get a real kick out of telling others what needs to be done? Oh do stop gloating, it doesn't become you. And yes, we know it’s now your turn to run the zodiac! (Thank God it's only for a month!)

On the other hand, if you’re a ridiculous rooster or heartbroken hen-pecker with a touch of barnyard blues, you’re probably relieved to know that your twelve-year cycle in the Chinese astrological calendar has finally arrived. (Oh whoopee-ding for everyone else!)

And, if you were just waking up after a long winter nap like the groundhog, you’d just as soon hit the frigging snooze alarm button, and grab a bit more shut-eye before facing a wild bunch of cavorting Cupids on Valentine’s Day!

So, without further adieu…here’s what you can do to keep yourself tickled pink for the entire month of February:


February 1: International Daydreaming Day (time to see who can gaze vacantly into space the longest …while listening to a long-winded lecture or munching on molecules)

February 2: Hug a Hog Day (time to press the flesh with grunt and groan types who seem to spend most of their time in the barnyard of life chasing their own shadows)

February 3: Aquarius Heritage Day (beware of water carrying geniuses eating unusual food and are a tad independent, mentally odd, tactless, or eccentric for their own good)

February 4: National ‘Pass the Buck Day’ (a wonderful way to honor those who are forever delegating dirty jobs to other poor souls lower down the food chain of life)

February 5: Whoop-De-Doo Day (get ready to build sandcastles in the air, draw outside the lines, and share your favorite wind-up toys with other grown-up kids at work)

February 6: Ding Dong Appreciation Day (time to remember when you last invited a bible-thumper or political candidate into your home to discuss the future of grommets)

February 7: Elephant in the Living Room Appreciation Day (in honor of all sorts of big bogies or couch critters we ignore, and we’d just as soon others did too please!)

February 8: Get Thee To a Mummery Day (time to dress up and pantomime or lip-sync your all-time favorite celebrity or perhaps a cartoon character if you’re really in a pinch)

February 9: Cock-O'-The Walk Day (your frisky fortune cookie says it's time to pay tribute to all the red roosters you know who are brave, motivated, proud, romantic, and a tad blunt ...if truth be told )

February 10: Show & Tell Day (okay it’s about time to haul out your really neat travel slide show of your trip to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan with spell-binding commentary!)

February 11: The-Right-Way-to-Do-It Day (remember what Mum taught you …how to use a knife and fork, or other vital stuff like how to install a toilet paper roll correctly)

February 12: First-in-Line Day (finally an occasion celebrating persons whose surnames begin with “X”, “Y” or “Z”…so everyone else, kindly step to the back of the line!!)

February 13: Free Lunch Day (now you can call in your markers and collect all those outstanding IOUs you’ve been saving up for a rainy day – wow are you ever lucky!)

February 14: Slings & Arrows of Outrageous Fortune Day (how else do you expect to bewitch a beautiful beast; and no chocolate unless it’s made of soy or tofu …you twit)

February 15: Fly Your Own Flag Day (now where did I put that “Jolly Roger”?)

February 16: Gonad Games Day (better known as potentate pissing contests)

February 17: Red Devil Awareness Day (time to sprout horns, wear red tights and carry a booming great pitchfork to scare the heck out of your favorite Nemesis naturally)

February 18: Dr. Seuss Appreciation Day (hint: try raiding the kids’ room because you’ll need all the help you can get just to speak in riddles and rhymes all day long)

February 19: Hopscotch Awareness Day (time to go back to elementary school at recess time; hope you can hop, skip and jump...if not, you'd better hire a kangaroo)

February 20: Finger Food Appreciation Day (fee fie foe fum… today’s especially good news for weight-watchers, picky eaters or those wanting to ditch dishwashing duty)

February 21: Chocolate Ice Cream for Breakfast Day (in honor of taboo treats parents tell you not to eat for the first meal of the day or you’ll suffer a fate worse than death)

February 22: Galoshes, Gumboots & Go-Go Boots Day (time to pay homage to forgotten fanciful footwear worn by damsels-in-distress or devil-may-care types)

February 23: Divestment Awareness Day (time to indulge in nothing but Naked Truths ...especially if it involves a tale about an unappareled Emperor ...without so much as a figleaf to his name)

February 24: Fake or Flaunt It Day (the only day you get to act any way you please, provided of course you’re willing to pay for the consequences of your foolish little escapades)

February 25: Pity Pot Day (time to trade or toss your troubles away… in a trashcan?)

February 26: Mental Floss Day (the only occasion you can tell all the “Knock-Knock jokes” you want without anyone threatening to arrest you for verbal harassment)

February 27: Break Open the Piggy-Bank Day (whoopee no time like the present to splurge on a great cause; just make sure it’s your money there Ms. Socialite or Mr. Spendthrift)

February 28: Small Planet Appreciation Day (ever wonder what the world would be like without Venus and Mars gumming up the works and making fools of themselves?)

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*A rather loose-lipped leprechaun known to consume far too many lollypops and liqueurs for her own good.

**Editor of an arcane anthology full of titillating trivia entitled, "Little Loopholes in the Scriptures and Other Discrepancies of Note".

Speaking of odd and fanciful things, we would like to direct your attention to a fine little compendium of cheery and chortling sites at http://www.leaveamark.net