Thursday, February 24, 2005

MARCH MADNESS & MERRIMENT

Or, eccentric events and odd occasions to celebrate in March 2005

**Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl Craboon


Let’s see…it’s March. According to the Calendar of Quips, it’s the third month of twelve, (which means we’re only one quarter of our way through the “Year of the Rooster”).

If you’re not the blessed big bird ruling the roost this year, then you'd better be really good at counting your chicks before they hatch.

On second thought, it's probably not a wise idea to rely on anyone laying the proverbial golden egg on your doorstep anytime soon. However, should your quirky curiosity about what the future holds in store for you be too much to handle, you might want to explore the arcane art of "alectromantia", (otherwise known as rooster divination).

And whatever you do, don’t resort to any whining, snivelling, or whimpering tactics. There are no “wet-blanket appreciation days” this month!

So, fling your frowns on a fire, toss your troubles away, and while you're at it, why not try kicking up those platform heels or doing a little soft shoe routine for a change!

Now that you've got your glad rags on, join in the festivities of MARCH MADNESS & MERRIMENT!!

NOTE: Those with an allergic reaction to good times should definitely stay home and play mind games with their pets, or watch TV shows featuring “lifestyles of old coots and curmudgeons”, home renovation tips for couch potatoes, or how to impress guests with your favorite KD comfort food.

MARCH MADNESS & MERRIMENT EVENTS & CELEBRATIONS

1. MAD HATTER APPRECIATION DAY (If you’re late for a very important date who really cares? Put on your old TV rabbit ears, trap-door sleepers, and of wear a terrific smile!)

2. PISCES AWARENESS DAY (If you see a floundering fish or one swimming in two directions, you’ve hooked a Pisces; throw it back in the drink and try to jig a puffer!)

3. MOPS 'N' MUSTACHCHIOS DAY (Time to wax poetic with your mop or create a handle-bar mustache to impress a secret admirer or fend off the Hobgoblin from Heck)

4. EVERYONE’S ENTITLED TO MY OPINION DAY (Be a bit lippy or ludicrous, and sally or sashay forth to add your two cents worth about the level of customer service at your local Passion Pit-Stop or who has the latest weather report from “Cloud 54”)

5. FLUFF APPRECIATION DAY (In honor of all those who excel in the art of bureaucratic bafflegab, delightful double-speak, and twisted-tongued titillations)

6. BAGPIPE MUSIC APPRECIATION DAY (A fine way to appreciate the mellifluous melodies of gifted wind bags and ancient bladders ...knowing full well why someone invented a convenient dampening device commonly known as “ear-plugs”)

7. NEVER ON A MONDAY (It’s time to loosen your collar, let your hair down, and break another house or workplace rule just for fun!)

8. SHOPPING QUEEN FOR A DAY (It’s fabulous feline appreciation day ...time to use your credit card to buy all those sparkly little gems for sale on the TV Shopping Channel)

9. QUAGMIRE APPRECIATION DAY (Time to honor all the “stick-in-the-muds” you know in the great swamp, blessed bog or quick-sand-box of life ...don’t forget to say Hello and wave as you walk, jog or race by with a big beautiful smile on your face!)

1o. PODUNK APPRECIATION DAY (A skill-testing occasion to see how many small, remote, isolated towns you can name without any help from a friend, family member or a former teacher)

11. FORTUNE COOKIE APPRECIATION DAY (It’s time to pay tribute to those tasteless wisecracking tidbits you crack open after a meal of tofu and stir-fried thingamabobs)

12. LOVE HANDLE & WATTLE APPRECIATION DAY (Never too late to flaunt your flab is it? Just make sure that it’s legal ...you don’t want a night in the slammer do you!)

13. SLINKY TOY DAY (A wonderful way to bring back munchkin memories or amuse your bored, adult, inner nitwit when all hell is breaking lose at home or at work)

14. SILLY-SYSTEMS THINKING DAY (Time to write easy-to-understand instructions so any baby-boomer you know can program his/her brand-new DVD player or assemble a piece of ready-to-assemble furniture without losing one's hair or sanity)

15. IDES OF MARCH (Time to don your toga or toad outfit and spit tacks, peas or sunflower seeds at anyone you please ...if that doesn’t work, get on your cell phone and do your rendition of, “Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ear…”)

16. COWABUNGA DAY (Okay, now that you've strapped on your leather chaps and sharp spurs, you can tell our favorite cow pie story!)

17. LITTLE LEPRECHAUN DAY (Time to put on your hunter green tights, color your hair lime green, and spread lots of blarney in honor of a dandy dude named “St. Patrick” or was it "Dermot the Love Spot"?)

18. FLYING SAUCER APPRECIATION DAY (The only day when everyone can be an expert about strange goings on in the universe, crop circles, or the basement next door)

19. DWEEB APPRECIATION DAY (in recognition of all the wonky wunderkinds you know who haven’t got a clue how to install computer software or paint by numbers)

20. RED DWARF & GREEN KNIGHT APPRECIATION DAY (In honor of the first day of spring, and odd things going on in the Forest among the weird keepers of the Holy Grail)

21. GIVE ME A BREAK DAY (A truly exceptional occasion to cash in on your “Get Out of Jail” free card, or a “Dog House Day Pass” from your modest outdoor accommodation of late)

22. CALL IN WELL DAY (Take advantage of your frightfully fabulous mental health these days and just goof-off for an afternoon at the beach, on the golf course, or sitting in your throne room reading your favorite comic books and munching on junk food)

23. OF COURSE I’M RIGHT DAY (Finally, it’s your turn to be King Canute or Queen Bee of the Castle, as long as you remember, there’s a price to pay for everything! Like, tomorrow does not have your name written all over it!!)

24. DINGBAT FELLOWSHIP DAY (A time to honor all the off-the-wall folk you know and love …just like that long-lost Davy Crockett hat, polka dot hat and pink shoe laces, or that plastic hoola hoop you’ve got hidden in the closet)

25. SOPPY SONG AWARD DAY (Time to honor maudlin melodies, long-winded lyrics, soppy songs that should never have been written)

26. ARIES AWARENESS DAY (In honor of all those Mars-ruled brash, bossy beasts or barn-burning types you know -- not to be confused with other the ‘ram-a-dam-a-ding-dong’ folk among your quaint circle of acquaintances)

27. WHITE RABBIT DAY (Okay if you see a floppy-eared, good-natured furry critter hopping down the bunny trail, it must be Easter. So drop your big stick, give it a carrot and whatever you do think good thoughts and make a big wish – it’s your lucky day!)

28. LONG NECK AND NOSE APPRECIATION DAY (This is a rather fine way to honor giraffes, geese, or other Pinocchio-like members of your menagerie afflicted with a curiosity gene disorder)

29. TACKY TROPHY DAY (What a terrific time to craft your own tacky trophy or titillating talking stick designed to honor anyone who tells the best jokes or funny anecdotes in town)

30. BEDSIDE & BIFFY BOOKWORM DAY (An excellent occasion to compare with family, friends and colleagues, just what bodacious boudoir or breathtaking biffy books they’re reading these days)

31. BOFFOLA RECOGNITION DAY (Time to use those gag lines that have been clogging up your email inbox – but only if they they’re guaranteed to produce a hearty laugh or make a big hit your cube farm or barnyard of life)

__________

"Alectromantia" - a mystical ritual involving a rooster (whose odd habits make him capable of answering any questions you may have, the more ridiculous the better). Draw a circle, and write in succession around it the letters of the alphabet; and on each side of it lay a grain a corn. Then put the rooster in the centre of the circle, and watch the grains he eats and in what order. The letters will prognosticate the answer to your question. (Source, The Word Museum - The Most Remarkable English Words Ever Forgotten, by Jeffrey Kacirk, Simon & Schuster Inc., New York, 2000, p. 15).

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