THINGS A DOORKNOB MIGHT SAY IF IT COULD SPEAK

Or, fanciful food-for-thought, if you're in the mood...

Most people pretty much take doorknobs for granted, but not your’s truly.

Frankly, what would we do without doorknobs …even for a day? All hell would break lose, that’s what would happen.

On the other hand, I shudder to think what might transpire if doors disappeared altogether. But, that’s a whole other story to ponder about on a dreary day of domesticity or a shift of drudgery in the dungeon.

Getting back to serious stuff, what good is a door without a convenient, manually operated, low-maintenance opening and closing device?

While we’re on the subject of Sobriety-Deprived Thinking and Fanciful Food-For-Thought, perhaps we should explore this cataclysmic conundrum a bit further.

For instance, just imagine what things that a doorknob might say if it could speak:

• Yo there Dracula ...mind telling me who does your nails?

• If they had a prize for Iron Fists in Velvet Gloves, you'd be a winner!

• Kindly take your grubby, sticky, little fingers off my orb!

• If you’re a bill collector, you’ll have to come up with something better than, “Open Sesame”.

• The Wicked Witch of the West resides here ...I do hope you brought the eye of a newt, a wart from a toad, and some pickled pigs toes for her cauldron!

• How dare you fondle me like a long-lost liverwurst sandwich!

• Are you by any chance “A Stranger from Paradise”?

• “Beam me up Scotty” may work well with the crew of the starship Enterprise, but around here “Buzz me in” usually gets faster service.

• Are you really sure you want to open ‘Pandora’s box’?

• Don Juan doesn’t live here…go away.

• Behind door No. 31 lies a loose canoodling cannon with a short fuse ...so, have you come to load the gunpowder or just watch the fireworks?

• I’ve been here for 35 years and you’re the first flipping person who's actually spoken to me ...by the way, why are you here, who sent you, and what planet did you say you came from?

• Listen, if you're really a "Pirate from Penzance", then you won't mind showing me your peg-leg, dagger, and trusty tube of tartar-fighting, rum-flavored toothpaste for sensitive teeth will you?