Tuesday, February 01, 2005

THINGS MICE SHOULDN'T SAY TO MOUSETRAPS

Or when caught in a pinch, try a little pucker power


As I was wandering about in my palace early this morning, (as I tend to do when counting sheep doesn't inspire sweet dreams), I came across several spring-loaded wood and metal contraptions with a hunk of cheese inside each one and a large, prominently-placed "Welcome" sign posted out in front.

Being an inquisitive sort, I ventured closer for a wee peek. Low and behold, much to my surprise, I found a mouse in a tuxedo (or perhaps it was an evening dress) playing a baby grand piano. And, on a nearby bear rug (beneath a stuffed boar's head on a wall from a Safari adventure far too long ago to remember) sat a tiny, inconspicuous mousetrap.

Finding a mousetrap in one’s castle is one thing, but finding a musical, if not a tad loquacious mouse in one's anteroom ...well that’s quite another.

So rather than bore you with tepid tales from the front line of a merry maid service or fluctuating price levels of tea in China, I’ve transcribed (word-for-word) the best snippets of conversation overheard whilst observing life in a miniature merry-go-round on the floor of my estate.

  • I may look dumb, but I’m not blind like those other three mice that fell for your cheesy compliments.

  • Who says building a better mousetrap isn’t fun? (...it's just not my cup of tea that's all).

  • Take a hike; the “Mouseketeers” don’t live here any more!

  • More smelly foot cheese please.

  • If you don't mind me saying, you don't look like the Pied Piper to me!

  • I take it you’re not open for business (to a broken mousetrap).

  • Quite complaining -- if you want Liberace or Lawrence Welk, tune in to the re-runs -- now buzz off!

  • Thanks, but I think I’ll take a pass on the “Breakfast of Champions” today.

  • Widgets are way more useful than mousetraps; they get top billing in business plans!

  • The Roquefort was a little off yesterday don’t you think?

  • Listen, “Snap, Crackle and Pop” just isn’t my thing – so let’s not go there!

  • What the world needs now is love, sweet love (...not another frigging mousetrap)!

  • I'm not into "Whine & Cheese" parties, so what else is on your agenda tonight?

  • “Get a life!” (…the best piece of career advice from “The Mouse That Roared”).

  • I’m just glad Minnie and Mickey Mouse decided not to get hitched on your shift.

  • People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones ...and they shouldn’t put out mousetraps either unless they want the Big Bad Wolf to come and devour them.

  • I may have loose lips, a double chin, and a sagging mid-riff but my pucker power’s working just fine thank you ...so tell me again what you have to offer besides pain, death and not a hope in hell of meeting the "Jolly Greeen Giant," the "Man from Glad" or "Mr. Clean" before I check out?

  • "Do It My Way" may work well for you and Frank Sinatra, but I prefer Aretha Franklin's "RESPECT" -- so get used to it!

  • Would you be so kind as to take your wretched weapon of mass destruction elsewhere!

LIFE LESSON: 72 "Of Mice and Men" -- In a battle of wills and won'ts ...I'll go with mice; they make better friends.