Monday, January 31, 2005


Or, how to improve one's vapid vocabulary

In the fast-food, fast-track, and fast-lane of life, there’s precious little time for words any more which is bad news for slow-of-mind folk (like me).

I have no “to-do” list and I don’t own a “Blackberry”. Furthermore, I have no need for “power naps” and I don't do “power lunches” (unless I'm wearing my tiara, holding my sceptre and handing out titles to members of the realm who probably don't need them).

Alright, I must confess I do own a cell phone. But, I don’t know how to program the blessed thing with all my favorite telephone buddies. And, what makes matter worse, I haven’t got a clue about the hottest dating device known (to discerning men and women naturally) -- text-messaging.

So, how does one go about choosing mischievous mind candy (you know, the sweet, sticky stuff that tickles the imagination and adds a few more calories and carbohydrates to one's already hyperactive cerebellum)?

Well, take a word like “slob” for instance. It’s a short, four-letter word that covers a multitude of sins, (also a four-letter word that leaves the drawbridge down and the door wide open for interpretation).

Anyway, “slob” lacks shall we say colourful vibrations. In fact, one could say it probably leaves both the user and the recipient in an indubitably bleak state of mind followed closely behind by a complete loss of libido.

So how to bring a spark of interest back to a noun like “slob”? (Note: "Slob" should not be confused with another four-letter word, “slog” as in the verb 'to toil' like witches do, 'to labour' as rock stars do, or 'to work' like a dog …like the rest of us do.)

The answer lies perhaps in tossing the tasteless term into the trashcan, (now stop snivelling's just for one day). Why not take another word out for for a test drive? After all, you've got lots to choose from.

In case there's no handy-dandy dictionary nearby, here's a luscious list of light-hearted love handles to use (besides "pig" or "hog" instead of "slob" to describe your boss, best friend, or long-lost relative Aunt “P”).

Abbey-Lubber, Afterling, Bawdstrot, Blob-Tale, Daggle-Tail, Draggletail, Dudman, Duffart, Dustman, Drassock, Drossell, Fishfag, Flather, Fleak, Fonkin, Fopdoodle, Gyrovague, Hoddypeak, Idle-Worm, Kedge-Belly, Looby, Mudlark, Mumper, Packpaunch, Palliard, Porknell, Pseudologer, Ragamuffin, Rigmutton-Rumpstall, Rudesby, Runcy, Srubbado, Slathertrash, Slattern, Slawterpooch, Sloven, Slop, Snollygoster, Spoops, Tantrel, Tatterdemalion, Tavern Fox, Toad-Eater, Tosspot, Walking Mort, Wallydraigle, Wallower, Whiffinger, Whiffling, Whipperginnie, Yaffling Yokel (and last but not least one of my favorite's), Xantippe.

Remember, mind-candy doesn’t come with any money-back guarantees – so you might want to use your new-fangled words with care, so as to avoid becoming addicted to them or being bopped over the head by someone with a bigger bumbershoot or a better dictionary than you!


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