Thursday, January 27, 2005


Or, sock-it-to-me you saucy little snipper-snapper!

By Dr. Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, a sexegarian scholar and graduate of the University of Gleed (in the Village of Thribble) with a degree in Agathokakological Studies (The Ancient Art of Mingling Good and Evil) followed by painstaking exhaustive research on practical uses for the safety pin among sylphs, satyrs and sundry netherworld creatures

“S” is the 19th letter of the 26-letter English alphabet.

Before proceeding, I would like to graciously acknowledge Tequila Mockingbird's** generous offer to sing a lively rendition of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" (for the purpose of exhibiting her latent musical talent not to mention cognitive aptitude combined with rather astounding numerical recall skills). Regretfully however, time does not permit this thoughtful gesture to be acted upon today.

Well now, getting back to the subject at hand, "S" words are all shall we say, smooth sounding, succulent and sometimes indubitably suggestive. Alas, this may have something to do with the hissing noise made when uttered; (...who knows and does anyone really give a tinker's dam anyway, except perhaps your's truly).

Speaking of food-for thought first favorite choice on the menu today beginning with the letter “S” is serpents (more commonly known as snakes).


I don’t know about you, but snakes give me the willies. Perhaps it's because serpents often appear unexpectedly, (not that any time would be good in my books). Or possibly, it has something to do with the 2,400 species of snakes found on the planet; (not that I'm keen on finding any more, we've got quite enough to contend with already for my salutary needs thank you).

Observation leads me to believe that snakes fall basically into two categories: the limbless scaled reptile type or, the worthless, treacherous, faithless friend sort.

A modest piece of advice: keep away from snakes in the grass, snake oil sales people, and snake pits – they’re not healthy people, places or things with which to be associated. And as for the venomous viper, fanged foe types – just wear welly-boots or hip-waders and make sure you carry an anti-vixen vial in your little black purse, back-pack, or pocket at all times.

Well enough about sneaky slithering things…let’s move along to my second choice of “S” word – SMOOCH.


This marvelous six-letter word is both a noun (as in a person, place or thing) and a verb (what you do or what gets done to a person, place or thing). For those who are not aware, a “smooch” is a loud kiss, and the verb “smooch” means to pitch woo with vim or vigor.

According to Webster’s dictionary, the word smooch has been around since 1578, and before that who knows what they called it. However, every year on February 14th (St. Valentine’s Day), the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune prevail, (as the world stops in the name of love naturally).

And we owe it all to a mischievous, arrow-toting sly-boots if not salicious fellow dressed in a red spandex body suit, (who pops conveniently out of nowhere to prick unsuspecting inhabitants with his love potion).

This odd conduct by Cupid, (the cunning clot referred to above), frequently results in even more bizarre behavior including the exchange of sucky-face greeting cards signed by someone called “Anonymous”, the consumption of far too many calorie-laden, chocolate candy kisses, and if all goes well and luck is on your side, oodles of canoodling to make the heart grow fonder.

Well enough about one of the most important words in the English language. If truth be told, most of us wouldn’t even be here to read this blessed piece of bumpf unless two love birds knew how twitter, or at least enrolled in a 'naughty nesting' course before deciding where and when to pitch woo in Wonderland.

And lastly, where would the world be without my final favorite daring duo -- "Smarty Pants" and "Smart Alecks".


These lovely double-barreled nicknames have been around for at least 150 years. Of course a century and a half is a long time, especially if one's a fruit fly or a figment of someone's imagination, yet in another sense it's a mere drop in the blessed bucket of Father Time.

Such terms of scholarly endearment often describe fellow-feeling folk whom we often run smack-dab into when we're not looking, run the other way at top speed if we're luckly, or heaven forbid possibly even run over with glee while on our path of life, liberty and the pursuit of unadulterated happiness.

Being an obnoxiously conceited and self-assertive person with pretensions to cleverness comes in handy at office parties and weddings, but most people prefer to avoid them, as they do snakes in the grass, snake oil sales associates or their close second cousins, snake charmers.

If you're not sure if you've bumped into a "Smart Aleck" and a "Smarty Pants"***, usually their smarmy smile or gushing tone of voice gives them away. You know, the all too familiar signs of smugness, ingratiating habits, or simply the false earnestness and self-satisfaction associated with a testosterone-powered toady.

Well that about wraps it up for today; oh and before I forget, "May the Force of Fun & Frolic Be With You, because without it, life might be nothing but a bunch of literary potholes and liverwurst sandwiches."

LIFE LESSON 57: When taking a stroll, always remember to tread softly, carry a big stick, and be careful what you pet (bed bugs bite).



**In a "list of 100 things" about Tequila Mockingbird, it states that she's a textbook Scorpio (#16), she hates beer (#18), and enjoys ironing, especially shirts, with spray starch (#49). For more details about Tequila, please pay a visit to her entertaining, amusing and smile-for-a-day website at:

**And for those who may be contemplating trying to run circles around the smarty pants and smart alecks -- not a wise idea (don't even go there). But then who says one fool doesn't deserve another? Guess what, when all is said and done, there'll just be more pie left on the plate for the rest of us to chow down. Whoopee... let's have a party!!