The Quipping Queen: FAMOUS LAST WORDS

Or, are you sure the power is off?

By Sherlock Tidpit, a jest-in-time™ technology expert, (and amateur sci-fi investigator of certain rare extra-terrestrial phenomena such as the timid “Stippleback Sourpuss”, the ever-elusive, wingless “Surly Spatterbug”, and the invisible, two-tailed “Soiled Specklemonger”)

A recent survey by WHAMS, (World Hoof & Mouth Society), indicates that more people these days are putting their feet (and in some cases hoofs) in their mouths than ever before.

Evidence suggests that a pandemic plague in frequent flopping, habitual botching, and ubiquitous blundering from such convexed contortions could have a deleterious effect upon the health and well-being of all living things on the planet.

Leading scientific researchers, (just a titch left of centre), attribute this rather odd behavior or recreational pastime to the indubitable fact that humans require a minimum of fifteen minutes of fame during their lifetime (no matter what the cost or the consequences). A minority group of right-wing researchers on the fringes of frank thought and utilitarian understanding argue that this behavior is not unusual or statistically significant since large mammals with feet outnumber mouths by a factor of 2:1 and, in some cases, by as much as 4:1.

Healers from around the globe, (a traditionally spell-binding, pill-popping, and cut-it-out group of practitioners), have however been a tad overwhelmed by the flood of fools showing up for treatment at medical facilities, truth temples, and local fix-it shops.

On the other hand, dentists everywhere, (a traditionally happy-go-lucky lot), are reporting a higher burn-out rate than expected, due to an alarming increase in the rate of emergency hoof extraction procedures performed on hordes of frantic fools turned away by the physicians, hands-on-healers, and snake charmers.

Grief counselors and social workers from every nook and cranny, (a traditionally taciturn group of professionals), are disturbed by the chronic level of under-funding for programs to assist the victims of foot folly who’ve fallen not surprisingly between the cracks. They will be launching a petition shortly to lobby government officials for more money, or failing that, at the very least ... an opportunity to be touched by an angel, dabbed by the wand of a fairy godmother, or maybe a night out on the town with "The Man from Glad".

Transnational financial institutions (a traditionally tight-wad group of titans with a penchant for taboo tattoos) have expressed concern about the never-before-seen deluge in requests from distraught dingbats, wayward wingnuts, and testy tomfools wishing to cash out their savings or cash-in their insurance policies. This unprecedented activity is jamming the phone lines to call centres, crashing computer systems, and overheating the economy leading to a currency crisis, an inflated funny-money supply, and an exponential growth in money-laundering machines (that won't take quarters).

And last but not least, fire-fighters, police and emergency response personnel (traditionally the subject of made-for-TV dramas), are staging sit-downs in order to give their feet a rest and to protest the influx of reality-TV shows starring foolhardy folk who are undermining their job opportunities for walk-on parts, consulting roles, or professional posing gigs as hunks for charity balls and fundraising calendars.

The only bright light on the horizon is a dramatic boost in holiday bookings to "Fool's Paradise", (a boon to the flagging hospitality, travel and airline transportation industries), and a firstly quarterly earnings report issued by the U.S. Mattress Manufacturing Industry Trade Group indicating brisk sales in coiled bedding but a plummeting demand for waterbeds since January 2005.

With such a grave situation at hand, the United Nations, the World Bank, and the European Union, not to mention the White House and 10 Downing Street have announced that “the following List of Famous Last Words shall be banished forthwith, immediately, and “toute de suite” from all public speech and discourse”.

These drastic measures are being taken in the hope of restoring peace on earth and goodwill toward men (not to mention a very long list of other affirmative action members of society, who for the needs of brevity shall remain forever nameless, at least in this agonizingly arduous article on much ado about nothing of vital importance or cataclysmic proportions in the hitherto inexplicable grand scheme of things…unless of course one has successfully completed "Introduction to Philosopy 101", "Elementary Quantum Physics 102", or "Zen for Men 999".)

And, for those who have been waiting, (with baited breath naturally), for the “Top 10 Banned Famous Last Words List”, here they are: