Wednesday, March 30, 2005

IT'S ADDLEHEADED APRIL!

Or, time for feather-brained folk to have some fun! --

**Compiled by Leady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl Craboon, frequent-fops-for-hire who, from time to time, provide much needed comic relief in the constipated Court of "The Quipping Queen"


April is one of those months that most pithy people would rather forget. After all, it’s the only month that starts off on a “foolish footing”.

The good news is that fops, (who more often than not put their foot in their mouths as opposed to someone else’s), have only one day a year to celebrate the folly of mankind.

The bad news is that anyone who adores linear thinking will be in for a rough ride this month.

Soothsayers usually have fun with April because they often predict that the sky will fall without warning, (or at a minimum rain cats and dogs).

As if that’s not enough, some bloke with precious little to do decided it was high time to turn all clocks backwards (for Daylight Savings Time).

So, if you’re looking for an excuse to engage in a bit of eclectic entertainment, you hit the right month of quintessentially quirky things to do.

APRIL CALENDAR OF COCKAMAMIE CAPERS & ODD OCCASIONS

1. APRIL FOOLS’ DAY (Toss your troubles away, don your dunce cap, and let your “Inner Fool” loose at the 1st Annual Feast of Fools to be held in your city)

2. NO-NO DAY (Yippy, haul out all those tacky tank-tops and tasteless t-shirts hiding in your closet from your last trip through the Tunnel of Love or to the Jungle Gym playground)

3. COCKAMAMIE CLOCK APPRECIATION DAY (Okay, all you daring digital dweebs get to run around the place and change every frigging clock forward one hour)

4. GET-A-LIFE-DAY (Time to listen/watch your favorite guilt-inducing motivational music tape guaranteed to cure couch potatoes, sensitive sloths and desperate housewives)

5. WIGGLE YOUR NOSE & WOBBLE WALK RECOGNITION DAY (Use these valuable interpersonal skills before someone else really important discovers them)

6. ADDLEHEAD APPRECIATION DAY – (Who says being a confused, witless, feather-brained foghorn doesn’t make a vital contribution to the world of wonk?)

7. HOKEY-POKEY DANCE DAY (Thank goodness there’s a festive occasion for pugilistic people with two left feet and a third eye in the middle of their foreheads)

8. LOOSE LIP APPRECIATION DAY (Time to tell a humongous yet harmless hoodwinking tale about an affable “Velcrow Vixen" or Vlad the Impaler” you once knew)

9. DUMB QUESTIONS DAY (Love those ice-breakers like: “My boomerang won’t come back, have you seen it? Or, can you tell me what flavor of toothpaste dogs like?”)

10. CUP OF CROCK DAY (Name the best source of “hornswaggle” in your town)

11. AGELAST AWARENESS DAY (Time to recognize those sad sacks in your life who never fail to laugh last, or the ones who couldn’t laugh if their life depended on it)

12. SNAPPING FINGERS DAY (This is time well-spent on honing the fine art of getting prompt attention from people called door-openers, head-waiters, and valets)

13. CUT & PASTE DAY (Bring all your funky flyers, a sharp pair of scissors, and a big pot of glue to work today; it’s quirky cut-and-paste collage time again, yippee!!)

14. OPENING PANDORA’S BOX DAY (Warning: Wearing protective devices is probably wise move, especially if you haven’t seen the contents of the blessed box lately)

15. ANGELOCRACY AWARENESS DAY (Ever wondered what it would be like to be “touched by an angel” or better yet, ruled over by one like the Cream Cheese Lady?)

16. FLAUNT YOUR FRIED FLOWERS DAY (Time to dust off your dead dandelions, sing to your silk something-or-others, and nip one in the bud for a boring friend)

17. GUESS WHO’S COMING TO DINNER DAY (Invite three imaginary guests home to share a meal with you, and don’t forget to chat them up...after all you’re the host!)

18. TICKY TACKY BOX DECORATING DAY (Time to redecorate your cozy cubby hole, by making a colorful, cabobbling statement -- about the real you naturally!)

19. PAINT-BY-NUMBERS APPRECIATION DAY (For linear thinkers who can’t color outside the lines but whose taste in fine art includes the Mona Lisa, Whistler’s Mother & Spiderwoman)

20. TAKE THE BULL BY THE HORNS DAY (Time to turn the tables on all those Taurus types – you know the boring, dependable, insensitive, materialistic, obstinate, orderly, placid, pondering, self-indulgent, rather slow-moving creatures of few words who likes nothing more than plain food or ...just the facts ma'am)

21. ROYAL FLUSH DAY (It’s your throne room, at least for one day a year; so sing your favorite tune loudly in the loo; you only live once ... unless you believe in reincarnation)

22. PATTY CAKE APPRECIATION DAY (“Earth Day” means you can jump in mud puddles, put mud packs on your face, or whip up a Martha Stewart patty cake!)

23. FLAPDRAGON DAY (It’s “St. George’s Day” in Newfoundland where they show-off their Do-It-Yourself-Dragon-Slaying Skills for timid tourists, terse teetotalers and merry-challenged monsters who live in dark caves ...where else would they live?)

24. CELEBRATE A NON-BIRTHDAY (Throw yourself a party or call someone way down on your “to call” list (the ones you usually reserve for "one of these days when you get around to it")

25. BLEEPING BAND INSTRUMENT DAY (Time to make percussion thingies out of empty cardboard boxes and tin cans, cymbals out of pot lids, and a piano out of partially filled glass jars – who said you can’t make music and march to your own loony tune!)

26. ODD-BALL HABITS APPRECIATION DAY (Try brushing your teeth with your other hand, drawing with your toes instead of your fingers for a change, or winking with flair & panache)

27. THREE-LEGGED RACE DAY (For those who’ve dreamed of winning a red, blue, yellow ribbon or a little gold, silver, or bronze star to stick on the refrigerator door)

28. TRIVIA IN A TIME-CAPSULE DAY (Put all the obsolete things you know and love in your container like tape cassettes of your 5th birthday, Polaroid photos of your pet snake “It”, your first parking ticket, and your favorite chewing gum with great baseball sluggers)

29. BUMPER STICKER APPRECIATION DAY (Find a funny decal to share with your playmates, workmates, or even your nettlesome next door neighbor)

30. LIRIPOOP & LOLLIPOP DAY (What a great way to recognize a silly person or really stupid trick than with a licking-good lollipop flavor of your own choosing!)

__________

And for those who don't realize the importance of "The Necessary Joker" in our society ... here's more to fill your boots: http://www.boston.com/globe/search/stories/books/lewis_hyde.htm

1 Comments:

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