IT'S MERRY-MAKING MAY NATURALLY!

Eccentric events and odd occasions to celebrate in May 2005

Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl Craboon (long-lost kissing cousins of the noble Grandiose Family)*

When the odd flibbertygibbet or two is flattened beyond recognition by a "medicine ball" or a daffy duffus appears on the back nine, you know it must be the merry month of May.

If truth be told, the only folks who really care what month it is are roosters. Forget about finding a bag of loot in the barnyard of life, it has the rooster’s name on it not yours. But, there is one day you can take credit for, “Poppycock Appreciation Day”!

So, if you’re into dancing around a May pole, sending a soppy Mother’s Day card, or maybe even dressing up like a cow in the Island Dairy Victoria Day parade in British Columbia’s capital city – you’ve hit the jackpot.

On the other hand, you could chuck the whole thing and take your long awaited a trip to visit Uncle Tootall in Punkeydoodles Corners, Ontario.

Are you really committed to chewing the fat with weird Aunt Willow, playing with all those ill-behaved pets, not to mention swatting black flies and listening to those morally-uplifting tales around the campfire about the joys of living in “God’s Country”?

Why not just stay home and enjoy the frivolous festivities of MIRTHFUL MAY** plus the glorious mayhem that may result from having a good time.

1. May Pole Dancing Appreciation Day (put on your dancing shoes, it’s time to trip the light fantastic …no that doesn’t mean gawking at the girls in g-strings)

2. Whoohoo Awareness Day (now’s your time to shine the spotlight on anyone you know with questionable attitudes, unusual proclivities, and tasteless pastimes)

3. International SNAFU Day (it’s definitely time to celebrate “Silly No-Nos and Funny Undertakings” or screw-ups that truly drive people right up the wall, around the bend, if not the looney bin)

4. You Deal With It Day (the one occasion when all those “yes” folk get to surprise everyone by declaring "No" – You Deal With It …I’m going fishing today, so there!)

5. Polka Dot & Plaid Day (another mirthful mix and match day – a great way to make a fashion statement by wearing any weird wardrobe you please!)

6. Toot Your Own Horn Day (time to flaunt every frigging diploma/award you’ve got – like “Best Kisser in the World”, “First Class Stud” or “Grade 2 Grad”)

7. Party Pooper Recognition Day (time to suggest that all the wet-blanket wunderkinds you know visit a God-forsaken place like Zap, North Dakota)

8. Of Course I Love You Day (time to honor Momma Bears, or more to the point the wonder-women who have brought all those bundles of joy into the world … a little more flower-power if you please!)

9. Broccoli & Brussel Sprout Appreciation Day (for those who haven’t got a clue what frigging finger-foods are or how to make a heart-healthy veggie burger)

10. One-Eyed-One-Horned-Flying-Purple-People-Eater Day (time to discover what doesn’t hang out in a petting zoo, inhabit a fish tank, or live on Mars)

11. National Nosey-Parker Day (in recognition of all the interlopers, meddlers and busybodies you know who couldn’t survive without a piece of juicy gossip)

12. Pluto Appreciation Day (let “nonsense” be your guide; just ask everyone you meet today what attractions they would suggest you see when you visit your favorite planet in our solar system next week)

13. Useless Hand-Made Gift Day (what a fortunate occasion to dream up something something utterly abominable to present as a token of affection from a loopy friend)

14. Frisbee Golf Tournament Day (if boomerang won’t come back, you don’t know how to surf, and you’re tired of whacking a little white ball around 18 freaking tiny holes in the ground…why not take up a low-impact sport that doesn’t require a helmet, shoulder pads or a big bag account)

15. House of Cards Recognition Day (time to build a house of cards; then huff, puff and blow the bleeping thing down like Billy Goat Gruff…oh lighten up will you!)

16. Bounce Something on Your Knee Day (a great way to keep any screaming banshee, hollering thing, or pesky pet quiet…before you wring its neck!)

17. Unplug It Day (what a wonderful opportunity to rid yourself of wicked wireless devices and wretched wired weasels for at least the next 24 hours)

18. Glove Compartment, Jump Seat & Bonnet Appreciation Day (well it's about time to show off your racy vocabulary…but beware of all those baby-boomer bump n’ grinders on the highway of life)

19. Chewing Gum Awareness Day (time to test out all those fruity flavors and then leave a wonderful wad behind on a freshly-painted park bench, a clean floor, or a bedpost overnight)

20. Polka Dot Bikini & Bedazzling Brief Day (for all those funky folk who need an excuse to play that old “Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie Yellow Polka Dot” tune naturally)

21. Stilts & Pogo Jumping Day (for anyone who can't walk on water but needs something a tad extreme to impress their wimpy relatives, boring friends or last but not least...a sees-all-knows-all boss)

22. Gemini Recognition Day (ever wondered who adores the color orange, hates being confided to bed, and hankers for a game of darts, snooker, or table tennis at midnight?)

23. Cow Pie Appreciation Day*** (okay, so you’re lactose intolerant and your hay fever allergy makes you grumpy…but the least you can do is quit complaining and moo right along with a whole bunch of other color-coordinated cows doing what comes naturally in the annual Island Farms “Victoria Day” parade)

24. National Ninnyhammer Day (time to honor all the Naysayers, Nimrods, and Nit-Pickers in your circle of fly-by-night friends and fickle family members)

25. Silly Putty Appreciation Day (you may not be able to color between the lines, but manipulating Silly Putty …well that takes skill, experience, and a diploma in really, really dumb stuff … good news …you’re overqualified on all counts)

26. Bubble Blowing Challenge (and you thought this was a contest for adults with short-attention spans, a large lung capacity, and an abiding interest in detergents)

27. Smack Your Lips Day (a great opportunity for those without pucker power to avoid whistling while they work or else winning the affection of lost pets)

28. Flashlight Tag Day (for all those A-type personalities who need to overcome their fear of the dark, creepy glow-worms, or extraterrestrials out for an evening stroll)

29. “Groovy” Dance Day (time to teach someone you know with two large left feet how to do the “frug”, the “shimmy”, the “monkey”, the “swim”, the “loco-motion”, the “bus stop” and of course the ever-popular but classic “fox trot”)

30. Paint-By-Numbers Day (so you aren’t Rembrandt but if you can read, count and aren’t color-blind, you’ll find this more entertaining than feeding pigeons)

31. Pied Piper & Pig-In-A-Poke Recognition Day (time to nominate anyone you know who truly deserves the prestigious “Pinhead of the Year Award”)

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* For more information about the gargantuan Grandiose clan, do drop by or better yet give a dingle to the official family historian, "Sir Charles", (winner of the prestigious "Scribe of the Month Club" award for prickmedainty penmanship) at http://www.grandiose.com/gallery.html

**For a little more mirth or better yet ...oodles of merry mayhem in your life, why not take a short sabbatical (actually any excuse will do) and mosey on over to SNAFU UNIVERSITY ...they've got a cute course and a darling diploma with your nutty name on it! Check it out at http://www.snafuuniversity.com/

***To make up for the klutzy crash-landing on that cute cowpie, maybe you should seek some solace over at Ben & Jerry's ice cream parlour http://www.benjerry.co.uk/makeyourselfherd/

And for the poor sot who bitterly complained to us in a four-page fax about not being able to celebrate "the darling buds of May", we humbly suggest that he find something useful to do besides flapping his gums and turning up his nose indignantly at the rest of us. We highly recommend that he take a long leap off a short pier or get a wiggle on over to this wicked website for more information about the origin of the expression "the darling buds of May" http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/108210.html