Tuesday, August 16, 2005


Or, how to put a little zip, zap and zuggers back into your life

By: Theolonius McTavish, a recovering “to-do-list”, clock-watching sort-of-person with a freezer full of vintage TV-dinners, ten pounds of low-carb Popsicles, 34 flavors of pop-tarts not to mention enough microwave-friendly pepperoni and pineapple pizzas to feed a platoon of pool sharks

“Boredom numbs the work world,” read the headline in an obscure academic journal called "The Rock Paper Scissors Review", (published by a well-meaning, eminently-respected editor and redundant researcher from the "Centre for Addlepated Adult Development" in Goobies, Newfoundland).

Of the approximately 50,000 globally-based cubicle dwellers, nose-to-the-grindstone grunts and sky-is-falling supervisors surveyd by Dr. Bodikin Scrabster, most had to admit they didn't truly “love” their Joe-jobs, did not genuinely “adore” their ‘we’re-all-in-this-boat-together exhilerating team-building experience’, nor did they jump for joy every morning at the prospect of returning to the widget work they did everyday.

So, rather than cry over spilt milk, cry in your beer or cry at the moon as many hum-drum souls do ...here are eleven things you blessed sods can do to put a little zip, zap and zuggers back into your higgledy-piggledy, hugger-mugger life (on the catatonic corporate treadmill).

1. CREATIVE CATNAPPING: Write a classified ad for a professional one-eyed, one-horned, flying-purple people eater in your organization, (keeping in mind the mandate, responsibilities, and performance objectives required to keep the powers that be happy)!

2. FRUGAL FASHION FUN: Visit a consignment goods store or a flea market to look for the makings of your affordable, hand-me-down Halloween costume this year. (Remember, no more than $10.00 on this outlandish outfit…so, what is it?)

3. FUNNY-BONE EXERCISE: Using a large magnifying glass, please peer into your local telephone directory and spot as many funny named individuals, businesses and organizations as you can find. (Winners will receive their personalized sceptre and crown at the next Prince or Princess Jellybean inauguration ceremony).

4. MERRYMAKING MOVIE MOGUL: You have just been awarded the GOLDEN-FOREFINGER for the funniest movie of the year, (hint: it's the one you wrote, produced and starred in), so what’s the title, what’s it all about, who plays alongside you, and what's the opening line?)

5. INVENT A NEW FUNNY FAST-FOOD PRODUCT: Your task is to come up with a new affordable, easy-to-make, and unique fast food that will have everyone rolling in the aisles including your family members, work mates, (oh…and even your pesky pooch will love it!)

6. TERRIBLE TIE or T-SHIRT DESIGN: Your challenge is to create a new tie or t-shirt that will win the best prize for poor taste, eccentric design, or just plain weird manufacturing (…your task is to come up with the images and/or words that fit the bill)!

7. GRAFFITI APPRECIATION: You must photograph or verify with eye-witnesses that you’ve found at least 50 anonymous greetings or messages lying somewhere about on walls in your community. (And be prepared to submit one message explaining why you’re recommending it for an award).

8. FUNKY TEAM-BUILDING & FRIENDLY CHALLENGE: Your task is to organize three special events: a wheelbarrow race, a three-legged race, and a sack race in your workplace or neighborhood. (You must recruit the participants, judges, not to mention arrange sponsors for prizes, and conduct the awards ceremony – So, what are you waiting for …Get out and do it!)

9. ZUGGERS! Your task is to conduct an impromptu survey among family members, friends, or utter strangers to find out their definition of “zuggers”. (Be prepared to present a short summary of your findings before your peers and let them in on what the heck “zuggers” are and why they’re important in life!)

10. HOST A TACKY TOUR OF YOUR CITY: A long-lost relative is coming to town tomorrow, and you’ve been asked to become a “Tacky Tour Guide” for the day. Prepare a list of 10 places (and accompanying description of outstanding features to be encountered), so your relative will never forget the visit to your wacky end of the world).

11. CHOOSE THE TEN WORST SONGS EVER WRITTEN: Your high-school grad class president, (whose name you can’t remember or worse yet ...disliked intensely), has asked you to prepare a list of 10 of the best songs written (according to you of course). You're going to turn the tables and give him a list of the Top 10 Worst Songs Written and you're going to perform three of them. (Prepare the list, identify what instrument you will play if any to accompany your three choices, and practice …a candid camera awaits you!)

And when you've done all that -- give yourself a pat yourself on the back -- because you've earned it!

Nothing like tooting your own horn and taking credit for spending the entire day banishing the blues and boredom from your life! (NOTE: Please make your own frigging first prize red ribbon, you've got ten fingers and a blinking brain haven't you!!!)


At 5:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At 6:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At 12:58 PM, Anonymous Viagra Online said...

MY number one would be, a big fat joint, music, and a good game of onlike poker, and my second activity is again the joint, the music, a camera and going to some mountain to enjoy nature and fresh air.

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