Saturday, August 20, 2005


Or, who is that entourage of questionable quirky characters anyway?

By: Adrian Air-of-Sleet, Personal Secretary and Royal Biographer to Her Royal Majesty, Victoria Elizabeth, Quipping Queen and Empress of Eccentricity who is responsible for overseeing the day-to-day-affairs of state involving members of her eager-beaver entourage not to mention all the loyal lollygaggers puttering about in the Queendom of Quirks, Quidnuncs & Quagmires (situated in the little known but well-appointed “Pith n Vinegar Palace” on Dallas Road in beautiful downtown Victoria, British Columbia, Canada)

Much has been said about the Quipping Queen. A spate of bad press lately, (about the odd habits of the merry-making monarch), has led to a good deal of speculation about her state of mind.

To nip the nasty non compos mentis natterings in the bud, the Quipping Queen has asked me to set the record straight.

First, let me assure you that Her Royal Highness is of sound mind, body and spirit! Her only regret is that her loyal subjects often lack opportunities to tickle their funnybones, open Pandora’s box to see what’s inside, or crayon outside the lines in their coloring books.

Second, since she is in possession of her marbles, she has come up with a playful solution to a perplexing problem - the precipitous decline of fun and frolic in the Land of Quibbles and Querilulous Things Going-On or Running Amok.

To stem the flood of feisty complaints to her gates, she has come up with a plan dedicated to improving wit and wisdom in the Queendom. This plan known affectionately as "PUCK-UP", will begin by putting an end to all "do-this-do-that" games in the royal realm, and then encouraging her seriously smile-impaired subjects to play cooperatively in “Sand Circles”.

It is hoped that the new learning centers will foster appreciation of the sands of time, assist participants to build sandcastles in the air effectively, and to understand the ancient philosophical notion that, “going around in circles is what life is all about”.

In response to a myriad of questions from journalists as to who will be responsible for leading this cutting-edge project, a spokesperson for the Ripsnorting Royal Court of the Quipping Queen, responded with alacrity, ardor and artistry.

He stated that this exemplary initiative would be undertaken by an assortment of incredibly clueless if not cockamamie characters who have volunteered to act as “Champions” and “facilitators” for this entertaining social-consciousness engagement.

The list of leading learned lights includes:

  • Arch-Duke of A-Very-Good-Time-Was-Had-By-All (Need we say more!)

  • Baron of Bunkum (The best source for dross and drivel in the queendom!)

  • Baroness of Baubles Bangles & Beads (She coordinates accessories for every occasion ...especially those sparkly sequined spandex yoga outfits!)

  • Butler of Biscuits & Bottles (Known for his fine selection of premium-brand kibbles, nipples and vittles)

  • Count Can't-You-See-I'm-Busy-Right-Now (His "to-do" list is a tad longer than the average dance card or grocery list)

  • Countess of Catnaps (Not known as a "snooze alarmist", she is a welcome guest at any long and boring cocktail party)

  • Dame Do-You-Know-What-Time-It-Is? (A renowned Clockwatercher!)

  • Duke of Doorknobs (Applauded for his lively impression of a pet rock!)

  • Duchess of Dither (The Diva of Damsels-in-Distress)

  • Footman of Fetish Wear (Tan shoes and pink shoe laces are not his thing)

  • Grand Duke of Garter Belts, Glass Slippers & G-Strings (A gift-of-the-gab sort who operates exceptionally well “in a tight pinch”, “under-cover”, and “behind closed-doors”)

  • Groomsman of Grouses, Grouches, Grumps & Growing Pains (A great smile and stroke personality whose silver-tongue and silver spurs keep everyone in line -- including cowboys who don't know when to stop talking about the size of their spread)

  • Knight of The Testy Turntable (Operator of a 33 1/3 and 78 RPM minstrel music machine ...known to have a mind of its own!)

  • Knight of It-Seemed-Like-A-Good-Idea-At-The-Time (A terrific connect-the-dots, fill-in-the-blanks and paint-by-numbers problem-solver)

  • Knight of Knock-Kneed Knickers (He has the finest selection of briefs, boxers, and BVDs for anatomically-challenged carpet knights of the realm!)

  • Knight of I’m-Sure-It-Was-There-Yesterday (A marvellous speciman of a memory-gene gone missing!)

  • Knight of When-Will-We-Get-There? (There’s one of these in every band of merry men in search of Maid Marion, the Holy Grail and some bloke called "BOB"!)

  • Lord Leaping to Conclusions (Long jumps are definitely his speciality!)

  • Lady Looby-Loo (A wonderful water-closet waif if ever there was one!)

  • Lady-In-Waiting-of-Giggle Gear (No ...she doesn’t own a dunce cap, but thank you for asking)

  • Prince Jeepers-Creepers I (Nothing gets past this lad!)

  • Prince Jolly-Bean II (He puts all those ordinary Mexican jumping beans to shame!)

  • Prince Jolly-Jodpurs V (A very happy-go-lucky sort who adores riding a cockhorse to Banbury Cross just to test-drive his turbo-charged breeches)

  • Prince Jolly-Jump-Up IV (A truly clean, keen, yes-madame machine)

  • Princess Jelly-Bean III (A jaunty jelly-belly aerobics instructor)

  • Princess Jiggle-Pot III (A scantily-clad sylph with fantastic fundraising capabilities)

  • Princess Jot-It-Down II (Not-your-average pencil-pushing pen-pal)

  • Sir Snuff & Such (Responsible for sniffing out stuff and nonsense in the nick of time)

  • Sir Prickmedainty (Responsible for "Minor Medical Miracles" and sweeping the occasional medical malpractice suit under the table)

  • Valet I (A well-known "hanger-on" who supplies garb for gargoyles and gals plus celebrity-approved "Valiant & Vixen Togs for Titillating Types")

  • Valet II (A Professional Putz who polishes booties and brogues for "Beautiful People")

  • Viscount Don Juan Valentine (Responsible for drafting the Queen's annual gushy greeting entitled, "Tips on How to Gird-Your-Loins Safely & Securily", in order to allay concerns among all her romantically-inclined subjects, their squeamish parents not to mention a large constituency of early childhood educators, public health nurses, and pharmacists on the occasion of Cupid's Visit to the realm every February 14th)

With all these robust if not ridiculous resources available, there is no doubt that the project will be an unbelievably huge success!

If not, Her Majesty, (Chief Executive officer, Chief Financial Officer, Chief Operating Officer and Grand Poobess of the Whole Shebang in the Queendom of Quirks, Quidnuncs and Quagmires), will simply hire some well-compensated consultants and self-promoting spin-doctors. Their task will be to revise the final, feel-good "Project Evaluation Report", (to reflect a healthy, hokey, happily-ever-after story naturally.)

And last but not least, rest assured, the Queen will always find another worthy project to keep her courtiers contented and her subjects in a sportive frame of mind so they will not toss hanging flower pots about in the “City of Gardens”, nor frighten the horses pulling the tourist-trap carriages around town, and refrain from sticking ooey-gooey wads of bubble gum on the leather seats of the environmentally-friendly pedi-cabs blocking traffic in the downtown streets!

Hail the Queen of Quixotic Quandaries! May she, her ludicrous court, and her loopy subjects all enjoy much health, wealth and happiness! And as they say here, "When in doubt, chortle and chug-a-lug, 'cause tomorrow's another day!"