NIFTY NAMES FOR NECTARS OF THE GODS

Or, do they really make wicked, witty wines from DeVines?

By Theolonius McTavish, a man of mirth and good cheer not to mention a keen interest in finding just the right seasonal gift for impossible people or those who appear to have everything.

If you’re like me, you truly can’t abide trundling through the stores at this time of year hunting for just the right seasonal gift for certain impossible people in your life, (you know ...the cantankerous cubicle colleague or feisty family member you want to avoid at all costs).

Fear not there is a simple solution at hand in the form of "naughty and nice" names when referring to nectars of the gods. For those who enjoy dining at a table, there's always a selection of deliriously decadent drinks to accompany one's vittles, you know the ones with “big aromas”, “full of body” just oozing all over with “flavor, spice and style”!

To make a long story short, I've found the best way to separate the “hoi polloi” from the “hoity-toity” is to take a wee peek at the wicked wine labels appearing on the shelf of your favorite liquor store.

The high-falutin, long-nosed snooty boot folks usually prefer wines with real corks and long foreign names to accompany their double crème brie, melted raclette, or a sheep’s milk cheese with a reddish brown rind served on crunchy, multi-grained crackers or sliced French bread.

The low-brow, pug-nosed types on the other hand often prefer casual “walkabout” wines (those with screw caps that can be served with home-made pizza or else “wild” ones synonymous with tossing lushness and refinement right out the door!

To make purchasing wines with wicked, weird or just plain wicked names easy, two quaffing categories have been created, “Snippy/Snooty” and “Sassy/Spunky”. We’ll leave it up to readers to decide which personalities fit into which wine categories.

So, without further ado...here's a ludicrously long list to get you started you on your way to choosing some festive fizzies if not DeVine Interventions:

A

• A to Z Pinot Noir, 7 Heavenly Winery (U.S.A.)
• Alibi White Blend – BlackHills Estate Winery (Canada)
• Alize Red Passion (France)
• Almaden Bag in Box Blush Chabilis (U.S.A.)
• Angus the Bull, Cabernet Sauvignon (Australia)

B

• Baobab 2004 Pinotage (South Africa)
• Baby Piper, Piper Heidsieck (France)
• Baby Duck (Canada)
• Bad Dog Red, Syrah Cabernet D’Oc, (France)
• Bad Dog White 2003, Sauvignon Chardonnay d’Oc (France)
• Bandit Merlot (U.S.A.)
• Barefoot Cellars Merlot/Bubbly Brut (U.S.A.)
• Barnadown Run 2002, Shiraz (Australia)
• Belle Glos “Clark & Telephone” 2003, Pinot Noir (U.S.A.)
• Beyerskloof 2002 - Synergy (South Africa)
• Big House White – Bonny Doon Vineyard (U.S.A.)
• Big Moose Red (U.S.A.)
• Big Yellow 2003 Cab, Cabernet Sauvignon (U.S.A.)
• Blasted Church – Merlot, Chardonnay, Riesling, Syrah (Canada)
• Bloody Good White, Ca' del Solo (U.S.A.)
• Blue Suede Chardonnay, Graceland Cellars (U.S.A.)
• Bodega Hijos de Juan Gil Wrongo Dongo (Spain)
• Bogle Petite Syrah 2002 (U.S.A.)
• Bommarito 2001, 2002, Cabernet Sauvignon (U.S.A.)
• Bonaparte Bend Winery – Saskatoon Berry Wine (Canada)
• Bonny Doon 2003 Cardinal Zin (U.S.A.)
• Boony Doon 2004 Clos de Gilroy (U.S.A.)
• Bonny Doon Heart of Darkness (France)
• Bored Doe, Goats Do Roam Wine Co. (South Africa)
• Boss Cat, Chardonnay – Coopers Creek (New Zealand)
• Brakeman’s Select Pinot Noir, Merlot, White Blend – Kettle Valley Winery (Canada)
• Brights – Spumante Bambino (Canada)
• Brokenwood 2002 Cricket Pitch Red (Australia)
• Bubbly Elderflower – Marley Farm Winery (Canada)
• Bug Juice Mosacoto d'Asti (U.S.A.)
• Burrowing Owl, Sandhill Vineyard, Cabernet-Merlot 2003 (Canada)

C

• Caboose White Blend, Kettle Valley Winery (Canada)
• CabernAlien 2001, Cosmic CruZers (U.S.A.)
• Cakebread 2004, Chardonnay (U.S.A.)
• Camelot California 2002, Chardonnay (U.S.A.)
• Campbell’s 2002 Bobbie Burns, Shiraz (Australia)
• Caputo 2002, Grego Ditufo (Italy)
• Cat's Pee on a Gooseberry Bush 2004 – Coopers Creek, Sauvignon Blanc (New Zealand)
• ChardonnAlien 2002, Cosmic CruZers (U.S.A.)
• Chateau Troplong Mondot 2002 (France)
• Cigare Volant – Bonny Doon 2001 (U.S.A.)
• Clancy's Red 2003 - Peter Lehmann (Australia)
• Cloof Dustry Road Rose 2005, (South Africa)
• Conundrum 2003 (U.S.A.)
• Cookoothama Nugan Estate 2000, 2003, Shiraz (Australia)
• Covey Run Yakima Valley 2001, 2002, Riesling (U.S.A.)
• Crocodile Chase (Australia)

D

• Dark Horse Estate Vineyard, Meritage 2003, Inniskillin Pinot Blanc 2004 (Canada)
• Darling Cellars Black Grainite Shiraz 2004 (South Africa)
• Dekuyper Pucker Peach/Grape Pucker, Peachtree (U.S.A.)
• Derailer Pinot Gris/Red Blend – Kettle Valley Winery (Canada)
• Devil’s Rock 2003, Riesling QBA (Germany)
• Dogajolo – Carpineto 2002 (Italy)
• Dog House 2004 – Charlie’s Chardonnay (U.S.A.)
• Dog House 2002 – Maxie’s Merlot (U.S.A.)
• Dog House 2002 Checker’s Cab (U.S.A.)
• Domaine des Blagueurs Bonny Doon 1999, Syrah Sirrah (France)
• Domaine Grassa Easy Drinker 2004 (France)
• Dragon Slayer (United States)
• Drostdy Hof 2000, 2003 (South Africa)
• Druid Fluid Barleywine (U.S.A.)
• Duckhorn - Paraduxx 2001, 2002, (U.S.A.)
• Duck Pond Cellars 2001, 2002, Pinot Noir (U.S.A.)
• Dudley Parnters Kangaroo Island – Porky Flat – Shiraz (U.S.A.)
• Dunavar Pinot Gris 2001, 2003 (Hungary)
• Dynamite 2002 Merlot – Dynamite Vineyards (U.S.A.)

E

• Eisbeerwein, Dessert Wine (Germany)
• Euphonium, Henschke Keyneton Estate (Australia)
• Elephant Island Fruit Winery – Dessert Apricot, Apple, Pear (Canada)
• Evolution – Sokol Blosser (U.S.A.)

F

• Fat Bastard 2003, Merlot, Chardonnay, Sauvigon Blanc (France)
• Fat Cat 2004, Chardonnay (New Zealand)
• Fifth Leg – Devil’s Lair 2002, 2003 (Australia)
• Finca Flichman Syrah 2004 (Argentina)
• Firefinch Ripe Red 2003, Merlot, Springfield Estates (South Africa)
• Fireman’s Red Blend – St. Hubertus Estate Winery (Canada)
• Fish Eye Chardonnay (U.S.A.)
• Flagstone Fish Hoek, Sauvignon Blanc (South Africa)
• Flatroof Man or Merlot 2004 (South Africa)
• Fogarty 2002 - Santa Cruz Mountain Cabernet Sauvignon (U.S.A.)
• Folie à Dieux 2004 Ménage à Trois, California Red (U.S.A.)
• Foofaraw Amusing Red Blend – Hillside Estate Winery (Canada)
• Foofaraw Precocious White Blend – Hillside Estate Winery (Canada)
• Foppiano 2002 Sangiovese (U.S.A.)
• Four Emus, Cabernet Shiraz Merlot 2004 (Australia)
• Foxtrot Pinot Noir – Kettle Valley Winery (Canada)
• Frog's Leap Merlot (U.S.A.)
• Fuki Plum (Japan)

G

• G L50 Latitude 50 2004, White (Canada)
• Giant Steps 2002, Pinot Noir (U.S.A.)
• Glamour Puss Pinot Noir – Coopers Creek (New Zealand)
• Glenugie Winery – Gamay Noir, Pinot Noir (Canada)
• Gnarly Head 2004, Old Vine Zinfandel (U.S.A.)
• Goat Rotie – Fairview 2003 (South Africa)
• Goats Do Roam In Villages – Fairview 2003 (South Africa)
• Goats do Roam Red – Fairview Winery 2003 (South Africa)
• Gray Monk – Latitude Fifty Select White 2003, 2004 (Canada)

H

• Hanging Rock Petit Verdot 2003/Riesling 2004 (Australia)
• Hang Loose Aloha Rita (U.S.A.)
• Hardy’s NV Whiskers Blake Port (Australia)
• 'Hare Label' Lingenfelder Gewurtztraminer 2004 Qba (Germany)
• Harper Hill Red Neck Red (U.S.A.)
• Harper Hill White Trash White (U.S.A.)
• Harper Hill Tiny Bubbles (U.S.A.)
• Henkell – Trocken Piccolo Pack (Germany)
• Hidden Valley Agenda 2003, Pinotge (South Africa)
• His Master's Choice 2004, Ridgeback Wines (South Africa)

I

• Idiom Viognier 2004, Whalehaven Wines (South Africa)
• Il Bastardo Sangiovese Toscana (Italy)
• Innocent Bystander 2003, Shiraz Viognier (U.S.A.)
• Iron Horse 2002 Wedding Cuvee (U.S.A.)

J

• JackaRoo 2003 Big Red (Australia)
• Jailhouse Red Merlot – Graceland Cellars (U.S.A.)
• Jake’s Fault 2003 Shiraz (Australia)
• Jest White – Jest Red Cellars NV (U.S.A.)
• Just Ducky Blush – Westham Island Estate Winery (Canada)

K

• Kangaroo Ridge Cabernet Sauvignon (Australia)
• Kapellenberg- Kruger Rumpf 2003, Riesling Kabinett Munsterer (Germany)
• Nk’Mip Quam Qwmt Meritage 2003 (Canada)
• Kaesler Old Bastard 2001, 2002, Shiraz (Australia)
• Kelly’s Revenge 2003/2004, Shiraz (Australia)
• Katnook Est. Wingara Coonawarra 2000, 2001, Cabernet Sauvignon (Australia)
• Kissing Bridge Merlot 2002 (Australia)

L

• Lady in Red Blush – Benchland Vineyards (Canada)
• Laughing Magpie 2003 – d’Arenberg, Viognier (U.S.A.)
• Laughing Stock Vineyards (Canada)
• Leaping Horse 2002, Merlot (U.S.A.)
• Leaping Lizard Sauvignon Blanc (U.S.A.)
• Leopard's Leap Cabernet Sauvignon 2004 (South Africa)
• Le Snoot 2002, Snob Hill Winery Merlot (U.S.A.)
• Lillypilly Noble Blend 1999 (Australia)
• Liparita Cabernet Sauvignon (U.S.A.)
• Lotusland, Pinot Gris 2003 (Canada)

M

• MacRostie 2001 Wildcate Mountain Vineyard Syrah (U.S.A.)
• Mad Fish 2000, 2001, Shiraz (Australia)
• Mad Housewife Merlot 2003, Rainier Wine (U.S.A.)
• Marge 'n' Tina, Mendoza 1997 (Argentina)
• Marilyn Merlot (U.S.A.)
• Meerlust 1999, 2000 – Rubicon (South Africa)
• Merlot-Over-and-Play Dead (U.S.A.)
• Mia’s Playground 2002 Russian River Valley Chardonnay (U.S.A.)
• Mitchelton 2002 Airstrip (Australia)
• My Fat Goose, Longview Vineyard (Australia)

N

• Naked Grape, Smithbrook (Australia)
• Navel, Tintella Estate (Australia)
• Nepenthe 2004 The Tryst (Australia)
• Nero, Sola-Nero, red (Canada)
• Night Owl 2003, Pinot Noir (U.S.A.)
• Nobilo 2004 Icon Sauvignon Blanc (New Zealand)
• Noble Rot Select Pick, Snowy River Winery (Australia)
• Nooky Delight, Woody Nook (Australia)
• Noon Gun – Flagstone (South Africa)
• Nota Bene Blend – BlackHills Estate Winery (Canada)
• Notorius 2002 – Duca Di Castelmonte, Syrah di Sicilia IGT (Italy)
• Nuthouse Argyle Chardonnay 2000 (U.S.A.)

O

• Obsession – Ironstone Symphony 2003, 2004 (U.S.A.)
• Old Bastard, Kaesler Wines (Australia)
• Old Codger, Dutschke Wines (Australia)
• Old Fart Chardonnay (France)
• Old Papa Port, Chateau Barossa (Australia)
• Oomoo, Hardy Wine Company (Australia)

P

• Paint Can Gift Box – Veuve Clicquot Ponsardin – Brut (France)
• Painted Turtle, Merlot, Chardonnay (Canada)
• Passion Peach, Scotch Block Farm Winery (Canada)
• Pear-A-Dise Pear – Puddicombe Estate Farms & Winery (Canada)
• Permanent Arm, God's Hill Wine (Australia)
• Petite SirAlien 1997, Cosmic CruZers (U.S.A.)
• Pitchfork, Hay Shed Hill Winery (Australia)
• Phil's Fetish, Bellarine Estate Vineyards (Australia)
• Pickpocket, Backpocket Wines (Australia)
• Platypus Play Range, O'Reilly's Canungra Vineyards (Australia)
• Poachers Blend 2003 - St. Hallett (Australia)
• Pop Extra Dry – Pommery (France)
• Porcupine Ridge 2002, Syrah (South Africa)
• Pretty in Pink, Stevens Brook Estate (Australia)
• Prince of Orange, Prince of Orange (Australia)
• Promised Land Shiraz Cabernet 2002, Wakefields Winery (Australia)
• Ptomaine des Blagueurs 1996, (France)
• Puddleduck, Puddleduck Vineyards (Australia)
• Pulpit Rock, Pulpit Rock Estate (Australia)
• Punters Corner Shiraz Spartacus (Australia)
• Purple Patch, Chain of Ponds - Adelaide Hills (Australia)

Q

• Quintessa Quintessa Red (U.S.A.)

R

• Rabbit Fence, Heritage Wines - Stanthorpe (Australia)
• Racy Rosé, Bremerton Wines (Australia)
• Rancho Zabaco Dancing Bull 2001, 2002, Zinfandel (U.S.A)
• Red Bicyclette 2003, Chardonnay D’Oc (France)
• Red Dust Cabernet Sauvignon (Australia)
• Red Truck, Cline Cellars (U.S.A.)
• Reynolds Little Boomey 2003, 2004, Shiraz (Australia)
• RockBare 2003, Shiraz (Australia)
• Rock Rabbit, Purple Wine Company (U.S.A.)
• Rocking Horse 2000, Monte Rosso Zinfandel (U.S.A.)

S

• Scraping The Barrel, Tempranillo, (Spain)
• St. Supery 2001, 2002, Sauvignon Blanc (U.S.A.)
• Schloss Laderheim Light (Canada)
• Schloss Schonborn Riesling Kabinett 1996 QmP (Germany)
• Screw Kappa Napa, Don sebastiani & Sons (U.S.A.)
• Seagull Shiraz 2004, Vin-X-Port (South Africa)
• See Ya Later Ping 2003 – Hawthorne Mountain (Canada)
• See Ya Later Ranch Ehrenfelser Icewine – Hawthorne Mountain (Canada)
• Seven Deadly Zins – Zinfandel 2003, Michael David Vine Lodi (U.S.A.)
• Seven Heavenly Chards, Chardonnay (U.S.A.)
• Shoofly Buzz Cat (U.S.A.)
• Six Foot Six 2004, Pinot Noir (Australia)
• Sizzurp Purple Punch (France)
• Smoking Loon 2002, 2003, Syrah (U.S.A.)
• Smoking Parrot (U.S.A.)
• SnoGoos Blush – Westham Island Estate Winery (Canada)
• Splatese – Geil 2003, 2004, Riesling (Germany)
• Stag’s Leap Winery 2001, Syrah (U.S.A.)
• Stones Throw Gewurztraminer – A Very Fine Winery, Lotusland Vineyard (Canada)
• Stickleback Red 2003 (Australia)
• Sticks 2004, Chardonnay (Australia)
• Stump Jump Red – D’Arenberg 2004 (Australia)
• Suckfizzle Margaret River 2000, Cabernet Sauvignon (Australia)
• SuperMerlova 2001, Cosmic CruZers (U.S.A.)
• Sweet Caroline Blush – Scherzinger Vineyards (Canada)
• Sweetheart & Lapin Dessert Wine – Spiller Estate, (Canada)
• Sweet Scarlet Strawberry, Scotch Block Farm Winery (Canada)

T

• Tatachilla Breakneck Creek 2002, Shiraz (Australia)
• Testarossa 2003 Sleepy Hollow Vineyard Chardonnay (U.S.A.)
• The Backchat Blend 2003 - Cellar Hand, Flagstone (South Africa)
• The Custodian - d'Arenberg 2002 Grenache, McLaren Vale (Australia)
• The Dead Arm - d'Arenberg 2003 Shiraz, McLaren Vale (Australia)
• The Derelict - d'Arenberg 2002 Grenache, McLaren Vale (Austalia)
• The Chocolate Block – Boekenhoutskloof 2003 (South Africa)
• The Golden Egg Red Blend – Red Rooster Winery (Canada)
• The Hermit Crab – d’Arenberg 2004, Marsanne/Viognier (Australia)
• The Hitching Post Generation Red (U.S.A.)
• The King Cabernet Sauvignon – Graceland Cellars (U.S.A.)
• The Kissing Bridge 2003, Shiraz (Australia)
• The Laughing Magpie 2003, Shiraz/Viognier, McLaren Vale (Australia)
• The Little Penguin 2003, Merlot (Australia)
• The Mad Hatter 2003, Shiraz, Hewitson, McLaren Vale (Australia)
• The Money Spider 2004 - d'Arenberg Roussanne, McLaren Vale (Australia)
• The Prospect, The Hanging Rock Winery (Australia)
• The Pump, Bellarine Estate Vineyards (Australia)
• The Ruins Rose, Wine Cap Winery (South Africa)
• The Sticks & Stones - d'Arenberg 2003 Tempranillo/Grenache/Souza, McLaren Vale (Australia)
• The Unpronounceable Grape (Hungary)
• The Wolftrap – Boekenhoutskloof 2004 (South Africa)
• Therapy, Naramata Bench Pinot Gris 2004, Therapy Vineyards (Canada)
• Thirsty Lizard (Australia)
• Thirteenth Street Wine Co., Funk Vineyard Merlot, Pinot Noir, Riesling (Canada)
• Three Dog Vineyards Cabernet Sauvignon 1997 (U.S.A.)
• Three Thieves Pinot Noir (U.S.A.)
• Tin Barn Zinfandel Jensen Lane (U.S.A.)
• Tinhorn Creek – Merlot 2001, 2002 (Canada)
• Toad Hollow Cacophony Zinfandel 2001 (Canada)
• Toad Hollow - Eye of the Toad (U.S.A.)
• Toasted Head Chardonnay/Merlot (U.S.A.)
• Tom Cat Merlot – Coopers Creek (New Zealand)
• Tott’s – Brut (U.S.A.)
• Trockenbeerenauslese – Monchof 1996 (Austria)
• Trumpeter Cabernet (Argentina)
• Tugwell Creek Meadery, Vintage Mead (Canada)
• Twelve Staves 2002 Glenn's Folly, McLaren Vale (Australia)
• Twin Fin 2002 Cabernet Sauvignon, 2004 Chardonnay (U.S.A.)
• 2 Brothers Big Tattoo Red 2002, Calma Wines (Chile)
• Two Hands 2004 Angel's Share, Shiraz, McLaren Vale (Australia)
• Two Hands 2004 Bad Impersonator, Shiraz (Australia)
• Two Hands 2003 Gnarly Dudes, Shiraz (Australia)
• Two Hands 2003 Lily's Garden, Shiraz, McLaren Vale (Australia)
• Two Hands 2003 Shovel Blanc, Merlot Cabernet Franc (Australia)
• Two Left Feet, Blossom Winery (Canada)
• Two Tone Merlot (U.S.A.)

U

• Undurraga, Merlot (Chile)

V

• Vampire Cab & Merlot (U.S.A.)
• Virgin Vines Chardonnay 2004 (U.S.A.)
• Vivacious Vicky!, Kiona Vineyards (U.S.A.)

W

• Wattle Creek Winery 2003, Mendocino Sauvignon Blanc (U.S.A.)
• Whiskers Blake Tawny Port - Hardy's (Australia)
• White Lie 2004, Early Season Chardonnay (U.S.A.)
• Wild Goose Vineyards & Winery, Pinot Noir, Chardonnay, Riesling (Canada)
• Wild Horse 2002 Cabernet Sauvignon (U.S.A.)
• Wild Pig Shiraz/Chardonnay (France)
• Wirra Wirra Church Block , Cabernet Shiraz Merlot 2002, 2003 (Australia)
• Wits End – The Procrastinator, Sauvignon Blanc 2004 (Australia)
• Women in Wine Red/White Wine 2005, (South Africa)
• Woop Woop South Australia Shiraz 2002 (Australia)

Y

• YellowTail Reserve 2003 - Chardonnay (Australia)

Z

• Zed 2004, Sauvignon Blanc (New Zealand)
• Zingaro 2002, Zinfandel (U.S.A.)

Suffice to say that you'll have lots of choice when it comes to selecting the appropriate one to take a drop or two, tipple to your heart's content, and possibly just raise your arm and toast everyone in the room (possibly until the cows come home).

__________

For those Nervous Nellies who need to know whether this might be a comprehensive if not reliable list or just a figment of my imagination, please stop by http://www.wine.com for more details and wine reviews.

Those interested in more than 230 unusual wine names and irreverent labels, take a peek at http://www.winelabels.org., or for a few more whimsical wine monikers check out: http://italianwinelabels.com/articles/04/whimsical.html

And for those who want to take a Sommelier and Wine Cellar Management Program, do check out The Art Institute of Vancouver and Dubrulle Culinary Arts at http://www.aivdc.aii.edu

Last but not least, don't forget to attend the 28th Annual Ode to the Grape -- The Vancouver Playhouse International Wine Festival to be held in Vancouver, British Columbia Canada - from February 27 - March 5, 2006. See: http://www.playhousewinefest.com